Welcome Devastated, and I am so sorry for your pain. You're at the right place, because your story is our story. My son was living here and stealing from me. That was my deal-breaker. It actually helped me to be able to see clearly that someone who was stealing from me from inside my own house could not be permitted to stay here. That was a black and white decision for me in a horrible situation when I thought everything was a shade of gray.
So here are my thoughts on how you have some kind of relationship with him? It is almost impossible to have any kind of real relationship with someone who is using drugs. If they are actively using then the most important relationship to them is thier relationship with the drug....in no way is a relationship with you any kind of priority. There is literally nothing you can do about that. I think what is important in this stage is to have some very clear boundaries about what you will and will not do and stick with them no matter how manipulative or abusive he gets.
This is 100 percent correct. When I started learning about addiction, and where the addiction "center" is in in the brain---in the same place that breathing is---that helped me understand that my son's drive to get drugs was primal. It was like breathing to him. So me and my wants and needs weren't even on the list anymore. It wasn't about me or against me or for me. I was merely a pawn in his quest to get more drugs, and for years I was a very easy pawn, a soft touch.
You cannot live with someone who steals from you.
For most of us here on this forum, this has been a deal breaker. I remember the day I went to Home Depot and got slide locks for the outer doors in my house and rekeyed the main locks. I cried and sobbed the entire time as we walked through the store buying these things. I couldn't conceive that I was barricading myself inside a house to keep my own son out. But it was real and that is exactly what I had to do.
I was thinking about it and figuring that we are easy targets, because we continue to try to help.
I don't even think they think of what they are doing, when they are so focused on their addiction.
And sadly, even if people stop using, if they don't reorder their thinking, they are just "dry drunks" at that time, people who aren't using physically but still have the same selfish mentality of a drug addict or an alcoholic. Many people say the dry drunk is actually harder to live with.
Addiction is awful and it mows down everything and everybody in its path.
All we can do is get out of the way until our loved one decides he is sick and tired enough of his life to want it to change. If we don't provide that safety net, perhaps the day will come sooner rather than later.
This doesn't take away the pain that you are feeling, and that pain is real and valid. We so understand that. I grieved for months and years and could barely function for long periods of time. But I came through it, even though he wasn't better at all for long long after that, and I started to live again.
I realized he wasn't my precious little boy anymore. He was a grown man. That took time to grasp, for me, but I finally did, and was able to start letting him go.
This is hard stuff, and we are here for you. Keep posting. We care.
