Can I trust her when she says she wants to change?

[SadFlower]

Again, thank you all... you have no idea just how much I appreciate all this. When I feel like I'm drowning, I read these posts again.

Daughter went to a "culture camp" for adopted kids a few years ago but she hated it. She said that it wasn't really about the "culture" of her homeland - the way people think, their perception of interpersonal relationship, of gender relations, of the way society should be run - but more about the way "stupid white Americans" think of the concept of culture, that it's just like traditional dances and interesting foods. I can see her point.
I had a tutor for her who taught her the language, but that ended when we moved. She's trying to teach herself online but it's not easy. There are no classes nearby. I keep reminding myself that this is her journey, and that the only thing I can do is remind her that I will support her no matter what.

I've never heard of addicts "turning" young children. The idea makes me sick. We got the restraining order done and I hope that'll be the end of it. Daughter now says that she wants to take up boxing and join the Marines after high school so she could learn how to fight "properly". I guess that her way of expressing her anxiety over all this. She can't handle it on her own. I have to step in and protect her. I don't the police about that guy looking for her in our home and the officer said it'll be taken care of immediately. i hope so.

Daughter and I have decided to get a genetic test done. She is very interested in her genetic heritage, where did her parents come from and what feature of her looks and personality comes from her mother or father. I really hope that this will quiet her down at least for a little bit. I am so, SO tired of the drama.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hang in there, warrior mom! You are doing a good job. She is talking to you - that is huge.

 

[BusynMember]

While my son who came here at six was ALWAYS aware of his culture and proud of it and duplicated it with his wife and learned to speak Mandarin, my daughter from a different Asian country is less than zero interested in her country of origin. If Koreans talk to her and are surprised how well she speaks English, and it does happen, she says, "I'm American." I have tried to get culturally realevant clothing and toys for her daughter, who is half white, but looks 100% Asian and IS part Asian, she thanks me, but does not push it with her daughter at all. She also went to culture camp and enjoyed it, but did not continue to learn more about her culture. I think each child is different. I have two kids who are partly black (one is 100% black) and Sonic, who has a high functioning form of autism, has again little to no interest in his culture evevn though he was offered exposure by his case manager. He politely told her "naw." My daughter Jumper makes jokes about it more than anything. She is aware of the black in her and hates racists and will interrupt and put in her two cents if anyone makes a racist comment about ANYONE be it black, hispanic, muslim, fill in the blanks. She won't tolerate THAT, but has had many chances to hang out with black kids and never has.

Both Princess and Jumper may develop more of an interest later, maybe after we are gone, although we have never tried to stop them from learning about their cultures or even contacting their birthparents. Right now, all I know is that Jumper has had three white boyfriends and does not seem interested in the black boys who like her.

It's interesting that I did talk to a peer of Jumpers who was adopted from Korea. She is VERY interested in her heritage, is shy at being different, and can't wait to visit. Although she is definitely a good kid, and Jumper is her friend, and she is also very smart and in college, and s he loves her family, she suffers from depression and is on medication.

It is interesting the difference in all people, not just adoptees. All are different. Jumper seems to have a very high level of being able to cope with anything as does Sonic, autism and all.Princess is more sensitive, but has overcome a drug addiction so she is strong. All three have, at one time or another, had sadness about being adopted. Princess said, "It's the rejection. Why didn't she want me?" I get it!

Again, I truly think genetics plays a bigger part in our lives and our abilities to cope with adversity than anything else, but, well, that's JMO

 

[New Leaf]

I had a tutor for her who taught her the language, but that ended when we moved. She's trying to teach herself online but it's not easy. There are no classes nearby. I keep reminding myself that this is her journey, and that the only thing I can do is remind her that I will support her no matter what.

SF, you have worked very hard to help your daughter. You are a good mom.

We got the restraining order done and I hope that'll be the end of it. Daughter now says that she wants to take up boxing and join the Marines after high school so she could learn how to fight "properly". I guess that her way of expressing her anxiety over all this.

Oh that is a relief, you got the restraining order. Are there any martial arts classes available nearby? I know that aside from self protection, they also teach respect and discipline.This may be an avenue to check out, it will keep her active in a different, healthy way.

She can't handle it on her own. I have to step in and protect her. I don't the police about that guy looking for her in our home and the officer said it'll be taken care of immediately. i hope so.

This is correct, SF, she can't handle this on her own, and you have stepped in and been her champion. Good job. I am glad the officer has reassured you that this will be taken care of.

Daughter and I have decided to get a genetic test done. She is very interested in her genetic heritage, where did her parents come from and what feature of her looks and personality comes from her mother or father. I really hope that this will quiet her down at least for a little bit. I am so, SO tired of the drama.

Oh DNA testing? I hope this will help her in her quest. I hope she will appreciate your efforts to help her in this way.

Yes, the drama is exhausting. Praying for your relief from it, and that your girl becomes more settled. What a challenge this age is.

You are a true warrior mom. Hang in there and stay with us. Most of us have been, or are right where you are, in the trenches.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[SadFlower]

Just when I think things are getting better, daughter exploded whenI asked her to come out of her room (she often stays there for hours and I often ask her to come out when she's been there for too long). So it was a lot of crying, screaming, and accusing me of trying to make miserable. She ended up back in her room, crying. I'm not even sure what went wrong here and what button I pushed. It's like a step forward, two steps back...
Daughter has always felt out of place. She told me that often. She was always very much aware of being different and when she was younger, she would always talk about going back to "my country". When someone described her as "Asian-American", she responded very angrily that she is not an American. But she knows she's not Kazakh, either. She has to find a place for herself, somewhere.

I will definitely look into self-defense classes - I haven't really thought of that. Meanwhile... I'm just hoping we'll get through the week without another crisis.

 

[InsaneCdn]

daughter exploded whenI asked her to come out of her room (she often stays there for hours and I often ask her to come out when she's been there for too long). So it was a lot of crying, screaming, and accusing me of trying to make miserable. She ended up back in her room, crying. I'm not even sure what went wrong here and what button I pushed

You may be dealing with depression and other mental health issues. A counselor/therapist probably isn't going to help much in figuring that out.

Yes, part of the issue is international adoption. PART. But not all of it. Would she cooperate with a comprehensive evaluation?

 

[SadFlower]

I think she would. I can't wait till we see that therapist and maybe get things going!

 

[BusynMember]

Daughter and I have decided to get a genetic test done. She is very interested in her genetic heritage, where did her parents come from and what feature of her looks and personality comes from her mother or father.

Any chance she can meet her birthparents? It's not that hard, even in different countries these days. Or is this somewhere you don't want to go?

 

[New Leaf]

Just when I think things are getting better, daughter exploded whenI asked her to come out of her room (she often stays there for hours and I often ask her to come out when she's been there for too long). So it was a lot of crying, screaming, and accusing me of trying to make miserable. She ended up back in her room, crying. I'm not even sure what went wrong here and what button I pushed. It's like a step forward, two steps back...

SF, I do not want to alarm you, but you have been very open and frank about your girl testing positive for crystal meth.
The behavior you are describing, is what I have seen with my daughter. Extreme mood swings.
Perhaps, if you spoke again with the resource officer, he can direct you to help sooner? Depending on how often she used meth, and how sensitive she may be to it, it can cause mood swings, withdrawal, and incredible cravings for the "high".
I do not mean to scare you, but I think it is worth exploring and finding out, if you have not already done so.
I just cannot imagine why there is not immediate help for a teenaged girl testing positive for meth.
It is ludicrous to me.
I hope I have not offended you.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Quicksand]

While my son who came here at six was ALWAYS aware of his culture and proud of it and duplicated it with his wife and learned to speak Mandarin, my daughter from a different Asian country is less than zero interested in her country of origin. If Koreans talk to her and are surprised how well she speaks English, and it does happen, she says, "I'm American." I have tried to get culturally realevant clothing and toys for her daughter, who is half white, but looks 100% Asian and IS part Asian, she thanks me, but does not push it with her daughter at all. She also went to culture camp and enjoyed it, but did not continue to learn more about her culture. I think each child is different. I have two kids who are partly black (one is 100% black) and Sonic, who has a high functioning form of autism, has again little to no interest in his culture evevn though he was offered exposure by his case manager. He politely told her "naw." My daughter Jumper makes jokes about it more than anything. She is aware of the black in her and hates racists and will interrupt and put in her two cents if anyone makes a racist comment about ANYONE be it black, hispanic, muslim, fill in the blanks. She won't tolerate THAT, but has had many chances to hang out with black kids and never has.

Both Princess and Jumper may develop more of an interest later, maybe after we are gone, although we have never tried to stop them from learning about their cultures or even contacting their birthparents. Right now, all I know is that Jumper has had three white boyfriends and does not seem interested in the black boys who like her.

It's interesting that I did talk to a peer of Jumpers who was adopted from Korea. She is VERY interested in her heritage, is shy at being different, and can't wait to visit. Although she is definitely a good kid, and Jumper is her friend, and she is also very smart and in college, and s he loves her family, she suffers from depression and is on medication.

It is interesting the difference in all people, not just adoptees. All are different. Jumper seems to have a very high level of being able to cope with anything as does Sonic, autism and all.Princess is more sensitive, but has overcome a drug addiction so she is strong. All three have, at one time or another, had sadness about being adopted. Princess said, "It's the rejection. Why didn't she want me?" I get it!

Again, I truly think genetics plays a bigger part in our lives and our abilities to cope with adversity than anything else, but, well, that's JMO

Genetics are HUGE, in my opinion. My son is playing out his bio fathers life to the T. Bio had no role in his upbringing and he didn't meet him(briefly) until he was 17. At this time, he is identical to him in his behavior. Thank you for all of your help.

 

[Nancy]

Genetics are HUGE, in my opinion. My son is playing out his bio fathers life to the T. Bio had no role in his upbringing and he didn't meet him(briefly) until he was 17. At this time, he is identical to him in his behavior.

Ditto!!! My daughter played out her birth mother's life exactly. She had no knowledge of her life but has imitated her behaviors in every way. It's almost spooky how close they are in behavior. We have a saying "nature trumps nurture"

 

[BusynMember]

Genetics are HUGE, in my opinion.

I think people WANT to minimize genetics, even when their children are acting like perhaps a difficult father that we are no longer with, but whom we made a child with...or with adoption, when we know the bio. history is not good. It is not a given that the child will become difficult. Jumper is not and her birthfather is a mess and she is nothing like him. I met both of her birthparents. Her birthfather would probably feel strange if he knew she was going into law enforcement since his own experience with law enforcement has been prison and jail. He is a drug addict.She uses nothing. But her birth mother is sweet and sensible so that helps. Sonic had a drug addict birth mother who I swear must be sweeter than pie beneath her poverty and addiction because he is and he also does not use. But I'm sure he inherited his sweet nature from one of his bio. parents...their drug use is not their true nature.
I think genetics will trump environment almost every time. People, like me, with difficult DNA have to work harder in life. I have to be mindful not to be my parents and even siblings. DNA is very powerful. In my adoption group parents are always talking about how ironic it is that our children are more like their birthparents than us (after they meet them). Some say they even have similar mannerisms and speech patterns.And they did NOT know them growing up.

 

[New Leaf]

Don't forget about twins who were raised separately.......

 

[Quicksand]

I think people WANT to minimize genetics, even when their children are acting like perhaps a difficult father that we are no longer with, but whom we made a child with...or with adoption, when we know the bio. history is not good. It is not a given that the child will become difficult. Jumper is not and her birthfather is a mess and she is nothing like him. I met both of her birthparents. Her birthfather would probably feel strange if he knew she was going into law enforcement since his own experience with law enforcement has been prison and jail. He is a drug addict.She uses nothing. But her birth mother is sweet and sensible so that helps. Sonic had a drug addict birth mother who I swear must be sweeter than pie beneath her poverty and addiction because he is and he also does not use. But I'm sure he inherited his sweet nature from one of his bio. parents...their drug use is not their true nature.
I think genetics will trump environment almost every time. People, like me, with difficult DNA have to work harder in life. I have to be mindful not to be my parents and even siblings. DNA is very powerful. In my adoption group parents are always talking about how ironic it is that our children are more like their birthparents than us (after they meet them). Some say they even have similar mannerisms and speech patterns.And they did NOT know them growing up.

Yes. Yes. Yes. My son, was obsessed with magic when he was little- so was bio dad. My son used to eat paper- so did bio dad. My son smokes like a chimney- bio dad. My son charms women and leeches off of them for money and a bed- bio dad. My son looks exactly like him, bites his nails till they bleed- bio dad. And on and on. It's bizarre.

 

[toughlovin]

I understand that adoption is an issue... my son is also adopted.


But I am with New Leaf here.... her behavior sounds either like direct drug use OR withdrawel from drug use. I would be mostly concerned about that right now.

 

[BusynMember]

Daughter has always felt out of place. She told me that often. She was always very much aware of being different and when she was younger, she would always talk about going back to "my country".

Was she adopted as an infant?
Is your community almost all white?
Either way, all adoptees, like all children, are different. I've been in foster care and adoption and the kids are not at all the same. Some cope better. Like all kids, some are happy, some not. Some do drugs, some don't. I think it's best to adopt infants. Have had my experiences (two) with older adoptees and neither turned out well. One had to leave the house as he was dangerous to my younger two kids (in the worst sort of way). We adopted him at eleven. One was adopted at six.
It is hard when we don't know anything about bio. parents, I think. We don't know then where the attitude or behavior is coming from.
And it doesn't matter anyway now. The issue is the addiction...
Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.

 

[Nancy]

People, like me, with difficult DNA have to work harder in life. I have to be mindful not to be my parents and even siblings. DNA is very powerful.

I think many of us have to work hard not to repeat the cycle we learned growing up. Even if we have great parents there is always something that we can find fault with. Their smallest weakness becomes our biggest many times over. I look at my biological daughter and it is like looking in a mirror. The traits I see in her that are not the strongest were also not mine. My faults are magnified through her, even though I thought I did the best I could. I look at my daughter that I adopted and I find so many wonderful traits that I do not have, among those that got her in so much trouble growing up. She is not at all like me, and yet I find her delightful in many ways, much more easy going and adventurous ( which could be a good or bad thing). I am wondering if she may have rejected me all those years way back because she didn't see herself like me.

In one of my counseling sessions over the years I was told we get two chances at this parenting thing, so if we did not have the best parenting growing up, we can parent our kids differently.

 

[SadFlower]

I ended up having daughter take a drug test and she tested positive for dexedrine. Fantastic. So she's not going anywhere this weekend, and frankly, I'm not all that certain about sending her to school on Monday. I'm going to ask my sister if she can stay with her during the morning. I really need to get my daughter out of this environment.

We had a big fight and I asked her why would she do that after telling me that she wants to change, and she screamed, "because I feel like !". I think she was being honest and I later thanked her for being honest and telling me how she feels. I am definitely going to call again and see if they can speed things up and get us a meeting sooner. We were offered other kinds of help - the resource officer wrote daughter a referral to an outpatient program for teens with substance abuse problems - but I haven't called that place because I'm worried that it would just make things worse. Daughter might meet kids who are seriously addicted, which I don't think she is at this point, and who would teach her all kinds of negative behaviors. I really think that what daughter needs right now is supervision, therapy and being in a different environment where she could find a group of friends who would re-focus her on positive activities.

Daughter was adopted at 10 months old, and yes, the community we live in now is almost all-white. Daughter is one of six (!) Asian kids in her school, a large public school. I didn't want to move here because of this reason, but I didn't really have a choice. The private school I want to have her transfer into is still 90% white, but there are more than 20 Asians kids, including a few international students from China and Korea. I hope she will feel more comfortable there and meet nicer kids.

I strongly agree with you all about genetics. I don't know much about daughter's birthmother, but I do know that daughter shows a lot of traits that she definitely didn't get from us. She is extremely stubborn, opinionated, and tends to be a perfectionist. The way she views the world is just so different. I would love to meet her birthmother, and I would love for daughter to meet her - but I don't think this is the right time. Once we get through this mess, we could start searching and preparing, but now... it could be too much.

Take care everyone, and again, thank you.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Daughter was adopted at 10 months old

Her first 10 months may have left her with some attachment issues, as well. Finding a therapist who has specific knowledge of adoption issues and attachment would be helpful. Most therapists have NO idea how to handle this.

Some of the "stubborn and oppositional" may be from not developing secure attachment early. She won't be an extreme case, as she was adopted fairly young, but the first three years are critical in developing healthy attachment, and her first year may not have been conducive to that. Handling a kid with attachment challenges is totally different from handling a normally-developing but oppositional kid. What works for the latter would destroy the former.

Perhaps she is trying to solve her own problems - because on some level she learned that she has to. Not that she doesn't trust you, but that on some internal, intrinsic level, she may not fully trust anybody.

 

[BusynMember]

Nancy, I loved your post.