Can I trust her when she says she wants to change?

[New Leaf]

I ended up having daughter take a drug test and she tested positive for dexedrine. Fantastic.

Hi SF, I am so sorry. This is rough. Definitely one step forward, two steps back. It is very, very, hard. Have you gone to see someone? It took me awhile to figure out that I needed help to deal with all the craziness. The counselor I saw had a bunch of resources and it helped to talk with someone professional, who knew the situation, and had dealt with it before. It is a good idea to find Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or CoDa; those groups exist to help people in just your situation.

So she's not going anywhere this weekend, and frankly, I'm not all that certain about sending her to school on Monday. I'm going to ask my sister if she can stay with her during the morning. I really need to get my daughter out of this environment.

This is hard. I know how you feel. What is a mom supposed to do?
The first thing addicts are told, is to change patterns and friends.
But what are the possibilities of that for a 13 year old? Perhaps the groups above, if you seek any out, or a professional, could help here.

We had a big fight and I asked her why would she do that after telling me that she wants to change, and she screamed, "because I feel like !". I think she was being honest and I later thanked her for being honest and telling me how she feels.

The honesty is good. I wonder too, how many times she has used meth. I do not want to sound like a broken record, but the reality of it is important to understand. We think of meth users, as the pictures on tv, where there are drastic physical changes in a short time, this is the result of heavy use.
Users, like my daughter, are able to carry on a semblance of normalcy for awhile. When my daughter appears extremely depressed, I know she is not "high". When she is bubbly and functioning, I know she has smoked meth.
She is not thin, nor does she have rotting teeth. She does have the telltale acne, and is not in her right mind, she has extreme mood changes.
She does not want help.
Meth is very hard to test for, the drug doesn't hang around in the body like pot.
One huge sign, is the incredible craving for meth. Even if used only a couple of times, because of the extreme euphoria, the psychological, and biological changes in the body, a person will be craving meth. That could be why your daughter feels like .
I am not trying to scare you SF. Just relating facts. This hits close to home, I did not know what was happening to my daughter. She still denies using, to this day.

I am definitely going to call again and see if they can speed things up and get us a meeting sooner. We were offered other kinds of help - the resource officer wrote daughter a referral to an outpatient program for teens with substance abuse problems

When you speak with the resource officer, please share what I have shared with you, and see what the response is. It also helps to search the web, and learn about this drug.

Daughter might meet kids who are seriously addicted, which I don't think she is at this point, and who would teach her all kinds of negative behaviors.

There is different information about addiction. This is important to learn about, also, so we are aware of what is happening. Knowledge is one of the tools we need in our toolbox to be able to know how to cope, and what steps to take. It is a very complicated challenge. Please speak with the resource officer of your concerns towards the outpatient program. I am sure he has heard this before. Or, you could even call the program, and see what they say.

Daughter is one of six (!) Asian kids in her school, a large public school. I didn't want to move here because of this reason, but I didn't really have a choice.

This is hard SF. Believe it or not, coming to Hawaii in the 60's,a caucasian, I was a minority. So I know how it feels. There are anti bullying programs in school. If your daughter is being teased about her race, this is bullying. Mention this to the officer, they have to do something about this. It is hard when we are young, to find ourselves, our niche, to fit in. The reality is, this is a skill we need to learn to make us strong adults. The world is not a kind place, and we all have to learn how to stand up for ourselves. Sometimes even we need a little help. Your daughter is learning a tough lesson. Bullying, is unacceptable, and that includes teasing and racial slurs. I am sure you have mentioned this to the school, if it continues, it is up to the school officials to see that it stops. (I work at a school).

The private school I want to have her transfer into is still 90% white, but there are more than 20 Asians kids, including a few international students from China and Korea. I hope she will feel more comfortable there and meet nicer kids.

Yes, this may be a solution for her. But.....if you don't get a handle on her drug use, she will go there and find the same crowd. I do not mean to throw a monkey wrench in the plan, but it is true.

She is extremely stubborn, opinionated, and tends to be a perfectionist. The way she views the world is just so different. I would love to meet her birthmother, and I would love for daughter to meet her - but I don't think this is the right time. Once we get through this mess, we could start searching and preparing, but now... it could be too much.

I agree with you, got to get through the mess first.
You are so strong and such a loving caring warrior mom. Hang in there SF.
I am rooting for you and your daughter. I hope I have not offended you with the things I have shared.
I am doing so, because I have been in this boat, with my girls. It is hard to see, when they are in front of us daily. Our mom hearts do not want to think of the worst case scenario. It is important to go into this with eyes wide open and explore all of the possibilities. This, I think you are doing. It was a good thing that you tested your girl.

Keep up your strength, make sure you have time for yourself to rebuild.
please take care
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Nancy]

SWOT, thank you . I have seen you grow so much in the past few years. You have done fantastically with moving on and putting things into perspective and learning from the past. I admire you.

 

[Nancy]

I haven't called that place because I'm worried that it would just make things worse. Daughter might meet kids who are seriously addicted, which I don't think she is at this point, and who would teach her all kinds of negative behaviors. I really think that what daughter needs right now is supervision, therapy and being in a different environment where she could find a group of friends who would re-focus her on positive activities.

I understand your concerns. Your daughter is so young and so I agree that it is a worry that she would meet people that were into harder drugs more seriously. That was what my daughter was faced with when she went to rehab but she was 19 at the time and we had no alternative. An outpatient teen program might be much safer.

Why don't you call the program and tell them your concerns. Perhaps their program is split by age, so that the younger ones and not with the older teens. Maybe they can give you some insight. Knowledge is power, the more we know, the more we network, the better able we are to handle what comes up.

If I were you I would be looking to change her environment also. We had our daughter in a private school until high school. The public high school she attended is in a very good community, but still she gravitated to the bad kids. They are like magnets, they will find them wherever they are. I will just add though that no matter what supervision we gave our daughter, no matter what activities we had her in, it was a challenge. I will say however that had we not been as vigilant I think things would have been far far worse.

Keep us updated on how things are going.

 

[BusynMember]

SWOT, thank you . I have seen you grow so much in the past few years. You have done fantastically with moving on and putting things into perspective and learning from the past. I admire you.

Nancy, this means a lot to me, especially coming from you, a woman I totally have admired for a long time. Thank you for making me feel good and smile

 

[Nancy]

Oh my gosh you are too kind. Thank you SWOT. I'm glad you are smiling.

 

[New Leaf]

the resource officer wrote daughter a referral to an outpatient program for teens with substance abuse problems -

I see SF this is an outpatient program for teens.
I am sure they wouldn't mind a call from you voicing your concerns.

Hoping for the best for you and your girl
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Kathy813]

The bad news is that she is only 13 and the good news is that she is only 13. That means you still have a lot of control and can take actions needed. Once they get older it is harder to get them into treatment.

We took our daughter at 16 to an intensive outpatient program for teens and was told that she wasn't as "bad" as the other teens in the program and that she could learn bad things from them. So we didn't put her in the program.

Well, she ended up an addict anyway and overdosed on heroin a few years later. My husband found her on the couch in the nick of time and was able to do chest compressions until the EMT's could get there.

I guess I am saying that your daughter is already very troubled and using meth at 13 is very serious. I think the need for treatment overrides any concerns of her being around other troubled teens.

I am glad that you are being proactive. Please don't underestimate what is going on, though. We kept thinking our daughter was just going through a rebellious stage and waited too long to get help. When we did, we just went to counseling which wasn't enough. Looking back, I would have sent her into a residential treatment center if I had realized what was really going on.

~Kathy

 

[Carolita2]

You're all right: it's her actions that count. On the other hand, I don't want to make it looks like I don't take her words seriously. I want to make her feel strong and I don't know how. That's the essence of it, I guess....I want to help her believe that she deserves better, because she does,and because seeing her go through this mess is tearing me up.

SWOT - right now, she only leaves home for school or with me (for other things). I know she still talks to them at school; she has no other friends there. I don't know if she's as close with them as she used to be, before things got all crazy, but she definitely doesn't sound as "in love" with them as she used to be - she used to idolize those kids, and now she tells me bits and pieces about less-than-stellar stuff 1-2 of them did.

Leaf - I remember being 13, and I wouldn't go back there no matter how much they'd pay me I know she's lonely. I know she's fighting. I know she's trying to figure things out. I ended up telling her that I think it's great, and I hope we'll be able to have fun doing more productive activities... trying to find what to say, it's like walking on eggshells again. I don't feel all happy and excited, but I can't let her see just how scared I am for her. It might make her think that I don't believe she can do it.

Hi Sadflower..The first time my son stopped using he came to me and admitted he had a problem and said he wanted to stop..I was so angry at the time, I told him I didn't believe him..Surprisingly, he did make some changes that led to a period of sobriety. I always felt bad about my reaction especially because I later learned that he was sincere.
But one thing I learned was that my negative reaction didn't change the course if his actions..He quit because he was ready at that time.
Today I try and often succeed in my dealings with my son to be kind if possible..It doesn't mean I believe him but I can be supportive without changing my boundaries.
Trying to put more focus on my own life always helps me, and knowing that whether an addict is,using or not is always revealed, eventually..
xox,Carolita

 

[SadFlower]

Hi,

An update: daughter eventually calmed down and was very normal, sweet self for the rest of the evening. I think she is extremely stressed out by the situation and confused. When I talked to her, I got the impression that she, too, doesn't really know why she does the things she does... she said that she is ashamed of herself and that she wants to change but then she gets these thought about it doesn't really matter anyway. I know that despite everything she's trying to hang in there.

I'm taking a day off in order to stay here with her. And I'm going to call that program to schedule an intake.... I really, really hope that they'll say her problems are not severe enough for their program... I don't know whether I'm underestimating the situation or not. I don't really know if she's actually an addict or just a casual user, hoping she's the latter. She's not as out of control as she could have been.

Daughter was bullied not so much about her race, more about being Kazakh (stupid kids thought that Kazakhstan = Afghanistan; daughter constantly gets asked why she doesn't cover her head and whether she support Bin Laden). We talked to the school and they talked to the kids but nothing much has changed. Daughter is still extremely angry at the guidance counselor who, after she got into a fight with two other girls, told daughter: "they said they're sorry, what else can I do." I'd get her out of that school right now if i could.

The only positive friends she has right now are those she's met through internet forums - mainly girls around her age who like the same Korean boy bands she likes. It makes me sad that these more positive friendship are only online. I keep reminding myself that she will need to do the hard work herself, both on the issue of drugs and on the issue of finding nicer friends who will lift her up rather than drag her down. It is ultimately her decision. I take comfort in the fact that daughter is extremely stubborn and that when she puts her mind to something, she goes all the way. Once she seriously decides to change, she will succeed.

 

[Nancy]

I think your plan is good. My daughter often said she did not know why she acted the way she did, and that was long before any drug or alcohol use began. She would write me notes and say she was sorry and she wanted to change. But she couldn't, it was like something inside her was holding her back.

Years ago when she had a group of schoolmates for a sleepover, one of the girls brought vodka in a water bottle. I was supervising them constantly but somehow her and another girl drank the vodka and got very drunk. I overheard her say that the only time she felt normal was when she drank. That scared the bejebbers out of me. I knew she felt differently because she was adopted and then this, a recipe for disaster. She ended up in the ER for alcohol poisoning.

Soon after that she told me she wished I had never told her she was adopted. That made me very sad. I thought I was doing all the right things. I realized then that she had a hole in her heart that I could not fill.

I hope your daughter someday realizes how much you love her. Mine did. We have a great relationship now and she often comments about what a terror she was.

 

[BusynMember]

Daughter was bullied not so much about her race, more about being Kazakh (stupid kids thought that Kazakhstan = Afghanistan; daughter constantly gets asked why she doesn't cover her head and whether she support Bin Laden). We talked to the school and they talked to the kids but nothing much has changed. Daughter is still extremely angry at the guidance counselor who, after she got into a fight with two other girls, told daughter: "they said they're sorry, what else can I do." I'd get her out of that school right now if i could.

This infuriates me for your poor daughter.
When we moved from a multi-cultural town to a mostly white town (we were unaware it was so white at the time) my Asian daughter's school was mostly all blue eyed blonds. It scared me the first day I took her.In time, due to teasing, she was allowed to transfer to a nearby school in the same town that had much more of a mix.She was much happier. She made friends of all races there.
I really wish the schools would do more to stop any sort of bullying. Bullying makes my blood boil. People like your guidance counselor make me wish parents had the power to fire useless professionals who are supposed to help our children.

 

[New Leaf]

HI SF

When I talked to her, I got the impression that she, too, doesn't really know why she does the things she does... she said that she is ashamed of herself and that she wants to change but then she gets these thought about it doesn't really matter anyway. I know that despite everything she's trying to hang in there.

I am glad she calmed down and you were able to talk with her.At least she is still communicating, that is important.

I'm taking a day off in order to stay here with her. And I'm going to call that program to schedule an intake.... I really, really hope that they'll say her problems are not severe enough for their program...

I do too, SF, it is good that you are calling.

Daughter was bullied not so much about her race, more about being Kazakh

Kids can be ignorant and mean, I am sorry she is going through this.

Daughter is still extremely angry at the guidance counselor who, after she got into a fight with two other girls, told daughter: "they said they're sorry, what else can I do." I'd get her out of that school right now if i could.

It is hard if she is not getting support from the counselor, have you talked with her supervisor, VP, or Principal? Sometimes it takes parents to go to the top.

The only positive friends she has right now are those she's met through internet forums - mainly girls around her age who like the same Korean boy bands she likes. It makes me sad that these more positive friendship are only online.

That is sad. My son does not have a lot of friends, either. He says that the kids in high school are pretty immature and he doesn't relate to them. He has always been sort of an old soul.Does your daughter keep in touch with any of her old friends from where you moved?

I keep reminding myself that she will need to do the hard work herself, both on the issue of drugs and on the issue of finding nicer friends who will lift her up rather than drag her down.

Yes, that is the hard part. But, you have helped her so much, I am sure she will be able to do this.

I take comfort in the fact that daughter is extremely stubborn and that when she puts her mind to something, she goes all the way. Once she seriously decides to change, she will succeed.

This is good SF. I am pulling for you and your girl. I do so hope that you both will find solutions and peace.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[SadFlower]

Hi, dear friends... just wanted to post an update: We've got a meeting with the therapist next week!!! I am so looking forward to it.

I've called that program and we've scheduled an intake evaluation. They said that they are not sure that she's suitable, based on my description. My main worry is that they offer NA meetings. These programs require people to acknowledge that they're addicts, and if my young and impressionable daughter adopts that kind of an identity or thinks that way about herself... it can just lead to bigger problems.

I haven't talked to the Principal - I talked to the guidance counselor, daughter's homeroom teacher, and the head teacher there. I will try reaching the Principal although I don't believe he will do much. I've given up on these people.

I've spent a good day with daughter yesterday. We went out for dinner and talked about some neutral stuff, and then ended up talking about Kazakhstan. Daughter has a very negative opinion on international adoption, and I respect her perspective, although it sounds a bit too extreme for me. She's grieving - and again, this is something she will need to work on on her own.

One thing that encourages me is that ALL of her recent drug tests were clear. I really think that she's not using right now. She's also started talking about the future more... She wants to go back to Kazakhstan for a while. There's a summer program there for teenagers, and I plan on sending her in 2-3 years, when she's a bit older. She also wants to spend a semester or a year there during college.

I think things are calming down a bit and it's the best feeling in the world.

 

[SadFlower]

Added, since the topic was raised:
I don't think daughter has attachment issues. The orphanage where lived from the time she was 3 months old until 10 months old was basic but the caretakers there did respond to the children's needs - when we met them, they sometimes left our meeting and had us wait while they went to attend to some child who was crying or needed something. When we met her, she made instant eye contact and smiled. She also later wanted to be picked up by one of the caretakers and seemed very comfortable with being touched and carried. The doctors, too, never identified any signs of attachment disorder with her, so I don't think that's much of an issue.

 

[Nancy]

SadFlower, a lot can change in 2-3 years for sure, hopefully she is in a much better place. My concern if she goes to Kazakhstan and she is still troubled is that she would not come back or get into the wrong crowd while there are get into trouble in a foreign country. But of course that is far down the road and I am sure you would not send her if that was a concern. I so understand her wanting to know and visit her roots. FWIW when my daughter was that age she was in the height of her wanting to find her birth mother phase. It was also the height of her resentment toward me for adopting her. At 24 she never mentions it now and she constantly reaffirms how she appreciates how supportive we are to her.

I'm glad you are checking out the program, it may not be right for her but as I found everything was a process to getting the right help. Good luck with the therapist, I was always so hopeful when I found one that I thought was good. The right one can connect with your daughter and really make a difference.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I don't think daughter has attachment issues.

She doesn't have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

She may still have "insecure attachment", a less severe form. Unless you are dealing with therapists and doctors who have significant experience with foreign adoption and all it's complexities... they won't recognize insecure attachment.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi SF, thank you very much for posting and letting us know how you are doing. I am so glad things are progressing towards solutions and help for your girl.

We've got a meeting with the therapist next week!!! I am so looking forward to it.

Oh, good, SF, I hope it is the right fit for your daughter.

I've called that program and we've scheduled an intake evaluation. They said that they are not sure that she's suitable, based on my description. My main worry is that they offer NA meetings.

Well I guess you can cross that bridge when you get there. I think the fact that you are working this hard for your girl, will touch her heart. Also, if she is not the "right fit" the knowledge and information, might encourage her to just say no to drugs. If anything, hopefully it will open her eyes to the world she is almost stepping into.

I haven't talked to the Principal

I would urge you to do so. Talking with the teachers and counselor has not worked for you. The Principal is the ultimate authority in the school. It seems necessary for you to go to the top. My son was bullied in kindergarten, it was not looked at seriously, until I spoke with the V.P. The counselor, actually would not speak with me again, referred me to the V.P. when I called, because he said "I mentioned bullying". Well, too bad for him, he did not do his job. Schools are no exception for incompetence. If the Principal does not respond, I would go to District. If you go the right route, you cannot be ignored. What you fix for your daughter, could mean a world of difference to the next kid, who may be subjected to the same unacceptable B.S. (bullying scenario). Ahem.

One thing that encourages me is that ALL of her recent drug tests were clear.

Oh good. Encouraging things are good. It allows us to breathe.

I think things are calming down a bit and it's the best feeling in the world.

I am glad for you SF.

Keep strong. You are a good mom.

Keep posting. I am pulling for you both.

Peace to you
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[SadFlower]

Thank you guys for your feedback.
Daughter doesn't really want me to talk to the school because she doesn't like to trust her teachers. I'll talk to the principal anyway although I really don't think he would do much. I told her that next year she will go to a new school, even if we'll have to take a loan to pay for that, and she's really looking forward to it.

We'll see how she feels in 2-3 years, but right now she's saying that she doesn't like this country and that Americans will never consider an Asian person as a "real" American, so why try. She will always be asked "where are you from" or complimented for her good English.
She loves science fiction, so she was looking forward to watching the movie "The Martian"; but then she found out that the NASA administrator who was described as an Indian man in the book has been replaced by a black man in the movie, and the character of a Korean woman was replaced by a white woman. Daughter was very angry about that.

Daughter cried yesterday and said that nothing she does ever works. I asked her what does she means and she said that she wanted to make friends and that she thought that drugs would help her with that but now "everybody's angry at me". I'm glad she understand the consequences... but I'm just so sad for her.

We've sent daughter's saliva sample to the company that does the DNA testing, and daughter asks about it everyday now.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi SF,
I am glad you are having meaningful discussions with your daughter. It is good to keep communication lines open. I am sure she appreciates it.

Daughter doesn't really want me to talk to the school because she doesn't like to trust her teachers. I'll talk to the principal anyway although I really don't think he would do much.

It will be interesting to hear what the principal has to say, or what he will do. If anything, this will show your daughter, that there are steps to take, to rightfully fight injustices like ethnic bullying. Hopefully it will open the door for discussion on remedies for the situation. Does your daughter like to write? Maybe you could encourage her to write poetry or a short story about her experience.

We'll see how she feels in 2-3 years, but right now she's saying that she doesn't like this country and that Americans will never consider an Asian person as a "real" American, so why try. She will always be asked "where are you from" or complimented for her good English.

It is hard when kids feel like they do not fit in.

Daughter cried yesterday and said that nothing she does ever works. I asked her what does she means and she said that she wanted to make friends and that she thought that drugs would help her with that but now "everybody's angry at me". I'm glad she understand the consequences...

Middle school, high school age has always been scary for me. This is when my two started dabbling with drugs. I didn't know it then, but I do now. I wish I had known. My youngest is now 14, in the 9th grade. He plays the tuba, I have found band to be sort of a saving grace. The group of kids that are in band, seem to march to the beat of their own drum. They embrace different people and have goals. Is your daughter interested in music? Does she play an instrument? My son also plays sports, it is good for all of us to exercise, it makes us stronger. I have always felt, keeping kids active is a way to counter the drug scene.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/544214-does-exercise-release-dopamine/
Does your daughter enjoy any sports?
There are many leagues here, outside of school sports. Is there anything in your area, that your daughter would enjoy?

I am glad that the therapist appointment is soon. I am hoping the best for you both, that you are able to overcome this situation. You are working so hard for your girl.
It is evident that you love her very much.
She is young and has so much potential.
Love is so important.

Here is one of my new favorite quotes.

“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Hoping you are able to help your girl find her potential and her meaning.
Helping her in her search for it, will mean much to her.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Hi SF just checking in, I hope things are better for you and your daughter. Have a good Monday, (is there such a thing?). Off to work I go......
(((Hugs)))
Leafy