Can't relax

[Love never ends]

I seem to have spent from when my daughter was 13 worrying about her ... She has always been easily led and had real issues with her step dad, he didn't show her very much interest ... Now 23 she has ended up in a refuge due to a toxic relationship and I feel like because my husband made her feel unloved I've made her go down this path .. I feel torn between my daughter and husband .. She got in with wrong company and stole .. Lied ... Then finally ended up with someone who beat her and played mind games with her and the whole family ... She is now in a safe house but I feel I carry the whole blame on me yet I've tried to be the best mum and always let her know how much I love her and taught her manners and kindness for others .. Where has it gone wrong

 

[BusynMember]

I'm sorry you had to find us, but welcome. Where did any of us go wrong? We all wonder.After my divorce and remarriage, my daughter got on drugs. She's clean now a long time, thank God, but even today I feel like my choices triggered hers. I have talked to her about what happened...honestly, I feel as if I didn't parent her as well as my other kids because the divorce distracted me. She says the drugs may have happened anyway...she is very generous. I'm harder on me.

I think our kids are what they are due to DNA, us, peers, experiences, not necessarily in that order. More and more...DNA is being studied regarding behavior. Did she have a dysfunctional bio. Father? Maybe her bio. Father, absent or not, made her feel unloved. That would probably matter to her more than stepfather, unless he had been abusive. Is she perhaps heavily steeped in her bio. Dads DNA? Often kids are very much like parents they never even met due to genetics. Ask any adoptive parent who knows his child's birth parents. It can be uncanny.

Regardless of DNA, every adult can choose to go for help to change. Are drugs involved here?

What is she doing with her life? Does she live with you? Do you pay her bills? Are you going to let her come home to you? In many cases that isn't workable for our adult children who won't grow up.

One last thing, at your daughters age she and she alone is responsible for her choice of friends and partners. Unless you forced her into an arranged marriage (bad attempt for some levity you did not pick abusers for her. Please be kind to yourself. Your daughter is a woman now. Her choices are on her own shoulders, Hon. Guilt doesn't help her and it hurts you, a good mum who never did one thing ever that you felt was not good for your daughter.

You are a loving mom and a champ or you would not have bothered to come here.

Try to find some peace tonight.

 

[Love never ends]

Hello ... Thankyou for the reply I literally don't have anyone I can open up to about this as for a start I've had the most miserable few years ... She was involved with drugs from the toxic relationship and maybe before I'm so useless with drugs it's only weed I think the one you smoke .... She told me she was in a lesbian relationship and I was so nice to the girl we tried to make her feel welcome even though I did find it a little difficult as I felt little embarrassed as not been around two girls having a relationship, but I thought we can't help who we are so I will go with the flow and not pass judgement ... They stole things from the house .. The girlfriend worked out that I was so nervous of my daughter being beaten that she would phone for money and if I refused the girl would beat her silly ... So much so the police told me my daughters body chart was that of a 15 year domestic violence marriage ..This broke me as a person I don't care anymore about me or life as I fought so hard to get this dangerous girl of the streets and who is already on probation for attacking my daughter .. Yet every avenue comes back to her being in care and no further action ... My daughter at least is out of harms way so I'm greatful for that ... My husband won't have her home as he said she had bought nothing but trouble to the door ( I do understand but she had a useless bio father and then gets this one who really she could never do right even if she was the perfect child ) I feel as a mum maybe I should have walked away but I was scared I had nothing and no one so thought if I gave her my love it would be enough .... After the refuge she will be put into a room in a shared house and that's when my panic will set in again the type of shared house they showed us seem to have drinkers outside and gangs outside .. She follows and with a room no bigger than a cell I'm so scared she will go back into bad company ....my head spins as she has no real friends now and so she wants me to take her out everyday and I do because I don't want her to get down ... Today i just pulled the car over and sobbed I don't get five minutes to think and then my husband still expects everything done in the house and dinner on the table etc so my day is for those two and the rest of the time I'm miles away in worry what tomo will bring .... Her bio father I can only describe as dull of feelings not nasty not nice just blank ... He has a wife and little girl aged 10 and step son same age as my daughter he shows then much more love and again I carry the guilt for that as I think If she had a real dad about would she be different ... I then have to deal with the all the nosy mums of the children my daughter went to school with asking me how's your daughter ( knowing full well they know how she is as just by the look on there faces they are almost mocking me ) My daughter puts her whole buisiness up on face book and i have to try to hold my head high after all these things are posted .... Hey step father in my opinion pushed her out ... From little he would show me attention and leave her out .. He would want holidays alone and he holds a very good job but almost resented a penny being spent on her yet with me I could spend as I wanted ... I just feel a failure and she often asks me why I stayed with my husband after he made her feel that way .. That's making me feel awful and a very bad mum .. I haven't had much love as a kid myself so didn't know how a family should be its only after years of seeing others I realise that he should have done more with her ( not money ) I mean proper family things .. Today has been a bad day and it's 2 am in the morning in England and here I am laying awake wondering if I will ever feel happy again or worth anything as I seem to have well and truly mucked up the mum job X

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome Love, I'm glad you found us here.

Please hear me on this, you are not responsible for your daughters choices. There are no perfect families or perfect parents.
There are plenty of people who were raised in very good homes with lots of love, morals and values and yet the end up making horrible life choices. There are also plenty of people who were raised in homes full of chaos, abuse and no structure and they end up being very responsible people.
I know you did your best in raising your daughter and that you love her very much. I know this because you found your way here.
The environment in which our children are raised is just one part of who they end up becoming. We are not the only influence in their lives. There is also the factor of genetics. My son's bio-dad dropped out his life when he was 4, so there was very little influence from him on my son's life, yet my son is exactly like his bio-dad.
It is hard to watch our adult children's life spiral out of control. We can no longer "kiss their boo boos" and make everything better. We have no control over the choices they make. The only control we have is in our own lives.
Again, please do not harbor any guilt. I know it's easier said than done but by letting that go you will free yourself from so much anxiety.
I'm really glad you are here with us. Keep posting and let us know how things are going, or just vent if you need to.
((HUGS)) to you......................

 

[Love never ends]

Welcome Love, I'm glad you found us here.

Please hear me on this, you are not responsible for your daughters choices. There are no perfect families or perfect parents.
There are plenty of people who were raised in very good homes with lots of love, morals and values and yet the end up making horrible life choices. There are also plenty of people who were raised in homes full of chaos, abuse and no structure and they end up being very responsible people.
I know you did your best in raising your daughter and that you love her very much. I know this because you found your way here.
The environment in which our children are raised is just one part of who they end up becoming. We are not the only influence in their lives. There is also the factor of genetics. My son's bio-dad dropped out his life when he was 4, so there was very little influence from him on my son's life, yet my son is exactly like his bio-dad.
It is hard to watch our adult children's life spiral out of control. We can no longer "kiss their boo boos" and make everything better. We have no control over the choices they make. The only control we have is in our own lives.
Again, please do not harbor any guilt. I know it's easier said than done but by letting that go you will free yourself from so much anxiety.
I'm really glad you are here with us. Keep posting and let us know how things are going, or just vent if you need to.
((HUGS)) to you......................

Again ... Your all so lovely and I wish I had found this site sooner on some of my darkest hours .... It's nice to hear people say it's not my fault as unless you hear it ( and I don't speak to anyone about it as I'm embarrassed after the looks I get on the street regarding her face book posts ) I really hope I can give this advice to people your so strong it gives me hope that I will be messaging people saying these lovely things ... I know I have to let this go for my own sanity and maybe coming across this site is someone's way of helping me to do just that as I think I was ready to give up on life there is only so much worry a mind can handle for too long alone ... I never let my daughter know how down I am as I'm the mum and don't want any worry on her ( again probably wrong but it's a guilt thing ) I will know if she gets this little room on Monday and then I guess time will tell if she will follow she seems to want to be accepted somewhere that's what hurts as if your from a loving family would you feel like that ? I'm so confused I'm problem not talking sense ... And is my husband right never to have her back and am I just silly ? X

 

[Tanya M]

and I don't speak to anyone about it as I'm embarrassed after the looks I get on the street regarding her face book posts

Sweet lady, all I can tell you is to ignore them. Hold your head high. Who cares what other people think. I've been where you are, the feelings of being embarrassed and feeling ashamed. My son has also posted some ugly things on facebook for others to see. I have come to learn that those who pass judgement on me without really knowing all the details are not worth the breath I breathe. These people do not understand because they have never walked in our shoes. Please do try to not look at her facebook posts. If it causes you pain then stay away from it. If you put your hand on a hot stove it would hurt and would remember that pain and not do it again. It's no different with social media.

I think I was ready to give up on life there is only so much worry a mind can handle for too long alone

YOU are important!! You have a life to live, YOUR life. It's so easy to get lost when dealing with our difficult adult children. We want so desperately for them to function well that we forget ourselves and the WE need to function well. It is important that you take care of yourself. Try and do one small thing each day that is just for you.

And is my husband right never to have her back and am I just silly ?

Here's the thing, if you let your daughter move back in with you, in your heart you would be "helping" her but in reality you would be enabling her. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. It's also very easy for our adult Difficult Child to fall into a place of complacency when they move in with us.

It's good that you are here sharing your feelings. You will find much needed support here which will help you grow strong.

 

[Love never ends]

Thank you again so much your words have meant so much and your right unless people have walked in our shoes they don't know the heavy pain we have .... I stopped looking at her face book 5 months ago after she went into the safe house .. Facebook was my only way to see activity to know she was alive because I truly believed that the girl she was with would have either killed her or made her do it herself as the manipulation and sheer evilness was almost unbelievable at one point I was scared to tell the police things incase they thought I was lying luckily she showed herself in the real light and I was taken very seriously and the police tried there very best to also get this girl locked away. My daughter is not a saint her only crime is she trusts people and they use her I truly believe hand on my heart my daughter has some form of ADD .... My daughter attempted to end her life twice over this girl she was with ( the girl used to throw her out always early hours of the morning saying she had seen my daughter with a man or heard her talking to a man in the flat, I wouldn't mind but my daughter was locked in with no mobile and no life she wasn't even allowed to go to the bathroom alone or take a bath without supervision from this girl .. The things I learnt from the police daughter and courts were truly heartbreaking .. I picked her up one night from the police station as they phoned to say she was cold and walking the streets as her girlfriend had chucked her out with her pjs on .. I got her in the car even then she was crying saying she wanted her the police had drug tested her and nothing was detected so I can't even blame that, she was just so confused and brainwashed and controlled she thought she needed this girl ... She threw herself out of my moving car Thankyou I was only doing 15 miles an hour as I was exhausted so taking it easy ... She then went full on into on coming cars causing a man to swerve almost causing a really bad accident, I managed to grab her and I wouldn't let her go she kicked screamed and we fell to the floor she was sobbing but would not move so I just sat in middle of the road pouring with rain holding her the best I could as I knew if I lost my grip she would run straight in a car .. She kept repeating your not my mum I hate you I kept repeating I know you hate me darling but you will love me for it one day ... It was awful I had a man shouting at me to let her go ( as she was saying help she isn't my mum ) eventually the fire brigade came out who promised me if I let go they have got her and won't let her harm herself ... The police came they said to my daughter or tried to tell her that the girlfriend is toxic and how she is worth more .. She was sectioned in the end but let out as they said I can care for her better at home with there support ... One day it lasted she ran straight back to her i told them this would happen but no one seemed to care. I won't ever forget this night I think that's the night I broke in two and thought why ? Why me why my daughter why my life and then decided to blame myself because as a mother you should be able to do things .. I wanted to protect her but I couldn't and I find that hard to accept as when they are born you look at them and think I won't ever let anyone harm you and there I was letting life harm her and a girl beat her but other than getting hold of this girl ( and trust me I wanted to ) my hands were tied with the law and with not having it in me to protect or at least that's how I felt. It's a strange feeling as if you ask a mother who has a child with very few problems what they would do if someone beat there child ( no matter what age ) the answer from most would be I would go mad or kill them
( figure of speech ) yet you can't when it actually happens so I guess I feel weak and I've let her down... If only I could give each and every one of you a special gift it would be a halo as your kindness on here and stories are heart wrenching yet you still have time to lift others up who have hit rock bottom. Your all angels and I Thankyou and hope I'm here for you all when I'm stronger to give advice .. Love and hope to you all X

 

[Tanya M]

What a scary night that had to be for you both.
I know you want to protect your daughter but that is no longer your job. She is a grown woman and is responsible for her own life and choices whether good or bad.
I have found that many of our adult Difficult Child have some sort of "disorder", ADD, ADHD, Bipolar, Mental Illness, etc......
All of these disorders can be treated with therapy and or medication. It sounds very simple however our Difficult Child are often reluctant to seek help. Ultimately it is up to them, we cannot force them and that is the crossroad we find ourselves.

Here is a link to a very good article on detachment. It has some very practical and helpful information. Many print it out so they can read it over and over to really absorb what it offers.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz48dI6M2WX

I know the word detachment may sound scary, like you will have nothing to do with your daughter. I'll be honest, in some cases it is best to have no contact or interaction with an adult child. It is up to each parent to discern for themselves. I have had to completely cut my son off before as his toxicity towards me was not good for my mental or physical health. I now have very limited contact with him.
Boundaries are key component in detaching. We have to set clear boundaries with our Difficult Child. Boundaries protect us and them.

It's so easy as a parent to lose our own identity as we become so consumed with our difficult child's life but our lives matter too.
One of the best things I ever did was to take my own life back and to live it fully. It was hard in the beginning as I felt guilty but it does get easier and the guilt lessens. I also came to understand that much of the guilt I felt was reinforced by my son via his manipulative actions. When your adult child tells you something like "I'm going to starve to death unless you give me money and if you loved me you would" this is pure manipulation. They will pull at our heart strings and use our emotions against us.

Please read the article on detachment.

Hang in there.

 

[BusynMember]

Look here, lovely lady (mock harsh voice just kidding), tons of kids grow up with stepfather, and not all of them are into our kids. Nowadays they often have single moms too. Some are adopted. Seriously, I believe resilience in particular can be an inborn inherited trait and we are powerless regarding the tools they are given in which to function. Many kids without bio. Dad around do great. In fact, if bio. Dad is toxic, they could do better without. Unless don't know the divorce rate in England, but here it is enormous.

I have four kids, five if you include the one we adopted at six from China who said good bye ten years ago.why? I don't know for sure, but suspect attachment issues. Back to the other four they are interesting. Oldest is biological, was spoiled, and lived with both parents until he was almostb18, but he struggled with mental health issues and being respectful to us. My three adopted kids, as in didn't know their birth parents, are much nicer (although bio. Son is 38 now and doing well). One daughter was easy to raise, then did drugs, but quit and is now a sweetie. My younger two, one high functionong autistic but doing great, are two of the best young adults I ever met. Not only are the three adopters adopted..
They are different races than me and second hubby.

Why did they turn out so good? Why did bio. Son struggle?

We can go crazy blaming ourselves. Don't do it. Don't. That will do nothing for your daughter and impact your health, which is a bad thing for your daughter AND especially for you. And you matter. You count.

Did you read the article on the top of the page on detachment?

Have a good day. One step at a time. Try not to scare yourself by thinking ahead in a negative way.

 

[Love never ends]

What a scary night that had to be for you both.
I know you want to protect your daughter but that is no longer your job. She is a grown woman and is responsible for her own life and choices whether good or bad.
I have found that many of our adult Difficult Child have some sort of "disorder", ADD, ADHD, Bipolar, Mental Illness, etc......
All of these disorders can be treated with therapy and or medication. It sounds very simple however our Difficult Child are often reluctant to seek help. Ultimately it is up to them, we cannot force them and that is the crossroad we find ourselves.

Here is a link to a very good article on detachment. It has some very practical and helpful information. Many print it out so they can read it over and over to really absorb what it offers.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz48dI6M2WX

I know the word detachment may sound scary, like you will have nothing to do with your daughter. I'll be honest, in some cases it is best to have no contact or interaction with an adult child. It is up to each parent to discern for themselves. I have had to completely cut my son off before as his toxicity towards me was not good for my mental or physical health. I now have very limited contact with him.
Boundaries are key component in detaching. We have to set clear boundaries with our Difficult Child. Boundaries protect us and them.

It's so easy as a parent to lose our own identity as we become so consumed with our difficult child's life but our lives matter too.
One of the best things I ever did was to take my own life back and to live it fully. It was hard in the beginning as I felt guilty but it does get easier and the guilt lessens. I also came to understand that much of the guilt I felt was reinforced by my son via his manipulative actions. When your adult child tells you something like "I'm going to starve to death unless you give me money and if you loved me you would" this is pure manipulation. They will pull at our heart strings and use our emotions against us.

Please read the article on detachment.

Hang in there.

You speak so much sense .. That's exactly what my daughter does puts me in the guilty frame and makes me feel as a mum I should be doing / giving this that or the other ... Saying that what really started these horrible "I'm a bad mother" feelings I have of myself is the fact she saw a counsellor for an assessment and he told her it was her home life and feeling unloved by her step father ( all this is 15 mins ) it put me on a real downer there I had it straight from a trained persons mouth ! I realise now after reading all your situations that I'm not to blame neither is her step dad for her adult choices the blame has to eventually stop falling to us ..... Sometimes I think I spoilt her too much and gave in to her every need when little .... If .. What ... Why ... Is not going to help right now but what does help is people like you who tell me things that make sense as I'm very confused right now as to what is correct and what isn't .. She is an adult but doesn't act like one and I think that's when I step in and she knows that .... I long for a day I can sit with a book and have that horrible sick uptight feeling gone and a little space in my mind just to hear silence ... I'm im that constant mind blowing stage where your head doesn't shut up and brain won't switch off ... Someone just asked me what's happened to my eyes I've realised I've not had more than two hours sleep each night for well over a week and not looked in the mirror so didn't see how black they are !!! Feel so embarrassed someone pointed it out I laughed it off saying I had a cold, but deep down I felt so upset that it's affected me in this way if only we had a label saying heartbroken woman people might think before they point out things All this time I was thinking maybe if I had a boy it wouldn't be like this, after what you have said I can see it makes no difference .. Sending you thanks and love for your kindness X

 

[Tanya M]

Saying that what really started these horrible "I'm a bad mother" feelings I have of myself is the fact she saw a counsellor for an assessment and he told her it was her home life and feeling unloved by her step father ( all this is 15 mins )

This is classic Freudian thinking, blame the parents.
I will agree that the homes we live in do have an impact on who and how we are, that being said, I also know there are many other influences in life that contribute to who and how we are.
My bio-father sexually abused me as a child. "statistics" say that I should have ended up a prostitute. That did not happen (thank God)
Did having that happen to me have an affect on me? Absolutely! We all come to a crossroad in life where we have a choice to make in how we are going to live. I made a choice to have a relationship with a man that turned out to be my sons bio-father. After a couple of years with this immature, irresponsible man I had enough. I made the choice to live a better life for myself and my son. It was not easy but I did it. I worked two waitress jobs for a couple of years and then a friend got me a job at very successful company. With a lot of effort I was able to turn my life around.

It's a shame your daughter found a counselor who planted that seed in her mind. Do not buy into it. As I said before, you and your husband (step dad) are not the only influences in your daughter's life.

Your daughter is an adult now. She has free will to choose how she will live her life. If she doesn't like how it's going it is up to her to change the course. It's up to you to let her live her own life.

It was not easy for me to accept my son's life choices. I would not choose to be a homeless drifter but that is what my son has chosen. I do not like it but it's his life. I have no say or control over his choices. It was very freeing to finally accept that he's going to live the way he is. I worked through the grieving process. My son is not dead, but the hopes and dreams I had for him are. I grieved for those hopes and dreams.

 

[Love never ends]

Look here, lovely lady (mock harsh voice just kidding), tons of kids grow up with stepfather, and not all of them are into our kids. Nowadays they often have single moms too. Some are adopted. Seriously, I believe resilience in particular can be an inborn inherited trait and we are powerless regarding the tools they are given in which to function. Many kids without bio. Dad around do great. In fact, if bio. Dad is toxic, they could do better without. Unless don't know the divorce rate in England, but here it is enormous.

I have four kids, five if you include the one we adopted at six from China who said good bye ten years ago.why? I don't know for sure, but suspect attachment issues. Back to the other four they are interesting. Oldest is biological, was spoiled, and lived with both parents until he was almostb18, but he struggled with mental health issues and being respectful to us. My three adopted kids, as in didn't know their birth parents, are much nicer (although bio. Son is 38 now and doing well). One daughter was easy to raise, then did drugs, but quit and is now a sweetie. My younger two, one high functionong autistic but doing great, are two of the best young adults I ever met. Not only are the three adopters adopted..
They are different races than me and second hubby.

Why did they turn out so good? Why did bio. Son struggle?

We can go crazy blaming ourselves. Don't do it. Don't. That will do nothing for your daughter and impact your health, which is a bad thing for your daughter AND especially for you. And you matter. You count.

Did you read the article on the top of the page on detachment?

Have a good day. One step at a time. Try not to scare yourself by thinking ahead in a negative way.

Hello Thankyou for your lovely message .. Your so true and making me see it doesn't matter if they are our bio kids,adopted, black , blue , green , boy , girl , what will be will be. I can see the fear lies inside me now I've got so used to worrying it's become my life .. Never relaxing never enjoying anything I'm just a shell walking around on auto pilot mode ... You all sound like such lovely mums it's so very sad how life can test us to the limits ... I honestly have no words to thank people on here so far as last night I was at the lowest point in my life and by some chance stumbled across this site.... I sat with wide eyes reading some stories and cried with relief that I wasn't mad or stupid and the only mum that did not have a perfect child .... Your all angels and you are all so strong and inspire me to walk a different path back to some form of life worth living ... It's gonna be a long road but at least I see a glint of future hope from you mummy's that are already on the right road to recovery x

This is classic Freudian thinking, blame the parents.
I will agree that the homes we live in do have an impact on who and how we are, that being said, I also know there are many other influences in life that contribute to who and how we are.
My bio-father sexually abused me as a child. "statistics" say that I should have ended up a prostitute. That did not happen (thank God)
Did having that happen to me have an affect on me? Absolutely! We all come to a crossroad in life where we have a choice to make in how we are going to live. I made a choice to have a relationship with a man that turned out to be my sons bio-father. After a couple of years with this immature, irresponsible man I had enough. I made the choice to live a better life for myself and my son. It was not easy but I did it. I worked two waitress jobs for a couple of years and then a friend got me a job at very successful company. With a lot of effort I was able to turn my life around.

It's a shame your daughter found a counselor who planted that seed in her mind. Do not buy into it. As I said before, you and your husband (step dad) are not the only influences in your daughter's life.

Your daughter is an adult now. She has free will to choose how she will live her life. If she doesn't like how it's going it is up to her to change the course. It's up to you to let her live her own life.

It was not easy for me to accept my son's life choices. I would not choose to be a homeless drifter but that is what my son has chosen. I do not like it but it's his life. I have no say or control over his choices. It was very freeing to finally accept that he's going to live the way he is. I worked through the grieving process. My son is not dead, but the hopes and dreams I had for him are. I grieved for those hopes and dreams.

[/QUOTE

This is classic Freudian thinking, blame the parents.
I will agree that the homes we live in do have an impact on who and how we are, that being said, I also know there are many other influences in life that contribute to who and how we are.
My bio-father sexually abused me as a child. "statistics" say that I should have ended up a prostitute. That did not happen (thank God)
Did having that happen to me have an affect on me? Absolutely! We all come to a crossroad in life where we have a choice to make in how we are going to live. I made a choice to have a relationship with a man that turned out to be my sons bio-father. After a couple of years with this immature, irresponsible man I had enough. I made the choice to live a better life for myself and my son. It was not easy but I did it. I worked two waitress jobs for a couple of years and then a friend got me a job at very successful company. With a lot of effort I was able to turn my life around.

It's a shame your daughter found a counselor who planted that seed in her mind. Do not buy into it. As I said before, you and your husband (step dad) are not the only influences in your daughter's life.

Your daughter is an adult now. She has free will to choose how she will live her life. If she doesn't like how it's going it is up to her to change the course. It's up to you to let her live her own life.

It was not easy for me to accept my son's life choices. I would not choose to be a homeless drifter but that is what my son has chosen. I do not like it but it's his life. I have no say or control over his choices. It was very freeing to finally accept that he's going to live the way he is. I worked through the grieving process. My son is not dead, but the hopes and dreams I had for him are. I grieved for those hopes and dreams.

I think your spot on ... It's just when your confused and in this whirlwind stage you can't see clearly, it's only when people like yourselves reply it starts to make sense. How sad for you that you lost all your hopes and dreams for your son, but also how strong of you to let go and give yourself a life that you clearly deserve .. As mums we try to take on the world for our kids until I'm the end we get to a stage of exhaustion and re think the whole situation. I think back to when she was born and you wonder what they will grow up to be but never did I think anything like this could happen ! I too was abused and I used to think I over compensated trying to be this perfect mum as I never wanted her to feel the hurt I did ... But as I read more it seems there is no logic for our adult kids ways of life ... I do here of these counsellors a lot saying oh it the childhood or this that and the other and it has in my situation fuelled my daughter to think she can blame me or her upbringing for everything she does in her life ( helpful not on the counsellors behalf, but they do only hear one side of the story so goodness knows what she says ) one thing I do know it its me that has to change the way I think but I'm scared she's my only kid and although I did want more I'm 37 soon and I don't think I could ever go through this heartache again it's really put me off being a mummy ... Feel terrible saying that but i truly believe I couldn't go through this again ... I do hope one day I learn to let go and find some peace like you as you sound like you still remember the hurt but you don't let it rule you. Your a real hope to me that happiness can become a reality again from such a heartbreaking cycle of hurt and confusion .. Love and hugs to you X

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Love never ends- you need to start a joy journal. Every day, find one thing to find joyful about. Every day do one thing for yourself- stop and get a coffee, a donut, a book, flowers, something for yourself.

I had an awful early childhood-lost two baby brothers, which cost my mother and father to drink, divorce and put my sister and I in orphanage. Our maternal grandparents adopted and raised us. Grandfather molested both sister and I and my cousin. We never told anyone. My mom and dad married other people, had more kids. We saw them off and on, knew who they were,etc. Lost my mine at 24 (died within a few weeks of being diagnosed with breast cancer). Grandma loved and cared for us- disciplined us when needed, loved us unconditionally. I should also have been a statistic, but I have had a good life. Point is- daughter has to stop blaming everyone for her life and her decisions. Period. IF she starts on you- stop it right there. Do not allow anyone to make you feel bad about parenting. YOU did the best you could and move on. Time for daughter to suck it up and put her big girl panties on and make a better life for herself. And you young lady, need a trip to the spa, get a cup of tea, read a good book, and say to hell with all this blaming garbage from your daughter. Live you life starting today.

 

[TheWalrus]

I keep a bullet journal for "brain dumps." I put everything I need to get off my mind in it - in bullet form. And then I put something I am grateful for and what I am praying for that day. It helps to clean out that brain clutter. And I can look back and see my own times of weakness and strength. It does help to get it out on paper.

 

[Childofmine]

Love never ends, you are getting really good thinking and support from these incredible Warrior Moms. Please know we really understand the whole idea of giving all to our kids. That is what moms do, right? That is what we all did too. And then they grow up our PCs and our DCs and we have to learn how to let them go. I see people everywhere around me who are at different points of letting our kids go. It is very hard and confusing when we have a Difficult Child who does not move into adulthood for whatever reason and so we keep on extending the parenting until one day we start waking up and realizing that we are way way way out of kilter with it all and our own lives are not working anymore and even more sadly, theirs aren't either.

That is where you are right now and you are completely depleted and exhausted from trying to be Superwoman for her and your husband too it sounds like.

Well, nobody is Superwoman and we cannot live up to that impossible standard.

As much as we want to we cannot save another person or make their life right for them. THEY have to do the work on their own lives. They have to make the hard hard choices and do the hard work of change. They have to want it enough. We can't want it for them.

For many of us, as we started realizing this, (and believe me I was one of the slowest learners anywhere) we experienced the terrible angst of powerlessness. It is not a good feeling at all at first. In fact at first I would rather have run a marathon than keep on feeling that feeling so I would try one more thing. I kept taking action because I knew how to take action. I didn't know how to stop.

Again I started to see and learn little by little inch by inch that I was going to have to change or I was never going to have a life. Little by little I started to believe that I was just as important as my own beloved son and perhaps even a little bit, a tiny bit, more important. That didn't feel comfortable at first either. It was counter cultural because we moms are supposed to always put our children first.

But as I started seeing things in a new way, I also started seeing that I was going to have to learn a whole new way of thinking and behaving. Not feeling, because for a long long time my feelings still were the very same. And that was very uncomfortable. I had to also learn how to disconnect my feelings and my actions and believe me, that took time and work because I am a "feelings" person.

That is when I really started working the alanon program with a dedicated sense of purpose and that is when I starred to really change. This type of significant personal change takes a lot of time and work with tools like therapy, reading books like codependent no more by melody Beattie and boundaries by cloud and Townsend, write in a daily journal (doing a daily brain dump is very calming), writing a daily gratitude list, doing one small thing for ourselves every single day like a nap, a walk, flowers for the kitchen table, lunch with a friend, whatever it is, it is something for yourself, you are nurturing yourself, and all of this is very healing and it is the stuff of change. I got a sponsor in alanon and I met one on one with her for years. Alanon is free and it is international.

As others have said, it is time to reclaim your life. This takes not one single thing away from your love for your daughter. I finally learned that I was a huge barrier in my Sons ability to deal with life on life's terms and deal with the true consequences of his own choices. I had to learn how to get out of the way. I came to see that for me and my situation, this amounted to the highest and best love I could ever offer him---the chance for him to have a real life as an adult.

Through all of this enormous change, people here and elsewhere walked with me through my grief and my pain and I will be forever grateful. We are here for you in that same way today.

 

[Love never ends]

You are all so kind and all give me ways of dealing with things that I can relate to .... I got very stressed yesterday as she isn't managing her money at all and it plays on my mind I just can't turn my head off ... I find I literally am tense the whole time I don't feel like me anymore ... I can't even put a dinner together my mind is full and confused ... Her bi father does nothing to help and her step dad just doesn't want the trouble so I carry it alone .. She has moved out of a domestic violence refuge and is in temporary council accommodation but she had no money for anything so I've rushed about and got her bits it's just never ending and if I don't help I lay awake all night worrying .. My whole day is consumed with what I have to do and what I need to do for her it's mind blowing and I'm cross with myself that I'm being pathetic and can't switch off and get things in order ... She seems to have this hold on me that I can't shrug of. I've tried relaxing with a book and I couldn't even tell you what I read about I'm just not taking anything in .... She has gone and got a contract phone sim now £15.00 a month and she can't even feed herself I felt like jumping on the phone and screaming WHY DO YOU NOT GET IT ! She is living on the bread line and does that I look at her and think how can she not understand, guess it's easy come easy go and I'm encouraging it I know. So so hard as a mum to find your self worth when your kid seems to think there life went this way because of family life ( which was in my opinion almost board wrong on being spoilt ) Thank you all once again it's very much appreciated and it does register in my brain but I guess I need more time for me to act on all your great advice and tactics ..... I will just make you al laugh though I went and bought a big box of nurofen plus tablets for my headache .. The assistant said only for short term use ... I replied you clearly don't know my daughter ! She was very confused and said pardon ... I said oh nothing and was thinking just telling you about my daughter is enough to bring on a headache Love to you all xxx

 

[Kalahou]

Hello Love never ends,

I am just now catching up / reading your post. You know you have found a safe place here. Others have given you good wisdom and insight. We understand and you are not alone.

From your last post, it sounds like you are in a frenzy, and frantic in your mind with thoughts of what to do to “help” and “fix.” You can do neither. All you efforts intended to be supportive assistance have not made any difference, and may indeed have even delayed your daughter from taking on responsibility for herself or at the least prevented her from reaping the hard consequences of her self-destructive choices. Sadly for us parents, this is a necessary part of learning our difficult children must experience on her own, and it can be hard to watch.

it plays on my mind I just can't turn my head off ... I find I literally am tense the whole time I don't feel like me anymore ... I can't even put a dinner together my mind is full and confused .

For your own health, peace and sanity, please:

• SLOW … way … down …
• Just stop and BREATHE … feel your breath and be thankful for your life / nothing else. Just Breathe.
• Do nothing. You need to do nothing.

if I don't help I lay awake all night worrying .. My whole day is consumed with what I have to do and what I need to do for her … I'm being pathetic and can't switch off and get things in order .

Right now there is nothing you need to do right now. The truth is there is nothing you can do.

All your confusion is because your are in a “fog” - the FOG of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt … feeling responsible to be responsible for your daughter and for her life. Come out from this FOG. Keep reading and re-reading the article on Detachment - http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4A21h88gu

you are completely depleted and exhausted from trying to be Superwoman for her and your husband too it sounds like.
As much as we want to we cannot save another person or make their life right for them. THEY have to do the work on their own lives. … They have to want it enough. We can't want it for them.

If you continue to wear yourself out doing all these things for your daughter, she will never work on her own life. Why should she ? … if you are doing things and getting her things. Your daughter does not need to do the things for herself that you do. If you make a change, it will be hard to stick with it, but you will get more peace for yourself. If your daughter is on the breadline and has no phone, and has no bits and pieces of whatever you are doing and getting for her, then she will just not have them and will just do without them or have to find another way. Believe in her that she will be resourceful to figure it out herself. It may not be the way your responsibility would work it out and it may be hard for you to watch, but it is the only way for her to grow and learn the consequences of her choices and the responsibility for her own life.

The title of your post is “Can’t Relax”, but I feel you can … you Can Relax.
Right now, just Slow…way…down, Breathe, and tell yourself there is nothing you need to do right now.
You are going to be alright.

Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? You might bring it to mind, when you awaken at night in fear of your daughter’s life.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Keep reading the postings here. We learn from responses to our own posts and by reading others also. It is a place of healing and comfort. We are all here with you. Take care. ~Kalahou