Can't take it anymore !!!
- Thread starter sooooo tired
- Start date
sooooo tired
soooootired
Ok so I post one positive remark and today I feel like I am back at square one!! My daughter called once again saying she cant take it anymore,she just wants to leave the baby with her boyfriend ,
and run because she cant stand her life anymore, I know she wants to move in with me but I cant I will end up in the psyche ward if that happens!!! I just want to scream!!! I really thought I could do this but she is literally going to put me in my grave!!!! I need an encouraging word, I am not very strong I am just starting to try to do this, she always makes me feel like a rotten person, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry!!!!!
sooooo tired
soooootired
I get panic attacks when she starts....I am so afraid she is going to kill herself, or end up in a mental ward, and leave me with raising a toddler.....whoever said that these are the golden years obviously never had a dysfunctional child!!!!
Take some deep breaths ST...........step back from the edge. Your daughter can drag you in to her drama each and every time, which is why we suggest limiting your contact, not answering the phone, getting as much support as you can, finding a therapist, going to 12 step groups, whatever it takes to get your boundaries up and running and your tools intact. If you can, meditate, do yoga, go for a brisk 20 minute walk, get on to YOUTUBE and search peaceful guided meditations, do whatever you can to move beyond the fear and guilt that is taking you over right now. We have all been in that crummy place, we know what that feels like, believe me. I know. It is pretty awful.
As you stay here you'll develop a "tool box" (the term childofmine coined for us). Various tactics you use when the fear and guilt and sorrow overtake you. We need those tools. Find some now and utilize them.
I found a lot of help along the way. I needed it. I needed a village. I could not do this alone. I also went to an acupuncturist because that helped so much with all the stress. Make sure you have daily exercise of some kind, walking is a great stress reliever. Limit sugar, alcohol, gluten and anything that creates stress for you. Get as healthy as you can in whatever ways that work for you. Commit to your own health and well being. The focus has been on your daughter for a long time, it is time to put it onto you now. You deserve a healthy, joyful, peaceful life. You will need to be the one that creates that for yourself. You can do it.
We're here. We know how you are feeling right now. Your daughter has thrown her fear at you and now you are living in it. Nothing has happened. You are still in this moment and you're okay. All of your fear is about future stuff you can't control now. Breathe deeply and let go of the fear. It is not real. It is about the future and it is called catastrophizing, which is what we do around our kids. With support, you can learn not to go there. Down the line if something happens, you can trust yourself to deal with it then, but right now, today, nothing has happened. Let the future go and stay here in the present moment. Go for a walk.
You may want to get a book called Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Re-read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. If you can, read books by Eckhart Tolle and Pema Chodron, they both helped me tremendously.
You'll be okay. You just got sucker punched. Breathe. Let go. We're here...........
As you stay here you'll develop a "tool box" (the term childofmine coined for us). Various tactics you use when the fear and guilt and sorrow overtake you. We need those tools. Find some now and utilize them.
I found a lot of help along the way. I needed it. I needed a village. I could not do this alone. I also went to an acupuncturist because that helped so much with all the stress. Make sure you have daily exercise of some kind, walking is a great stress reliever. Limit sugar, alcohol, gluten and anything that creates stress for you. Get as healthy as you can in whatever ways that work for you. Commit to your own health and well being. The focus has been on your daughter for a long time, it is time to put it onto you now. You deserve a healthy, joyful, peaceful life. You will need to be the one that creates that for yourself. You can do it.
We're here. We know how you are feeling right now. Your daughter has thrown her fear at you and now you are living in it. Nothing has happened. You are still in this moment and you're okay. All of your fear is about future stuff you can't control now. Breathe deeply and let go of the fear. It is not real. It is about the future and it is called catastrophizing, which is what we do around our kids. With support, you can learn not to go there. Down the line if something happens, you can trust yourself to deal with it then, but right now, today, nothing has happened. Let the future go and stay here in the present moment. Go for a walk.
You may want to get a book called Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Re-read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. If you can, read books by Eckhart Tolle and Pema Chodron, they both helped me tremendously.
You'll be okay. You just got sucker punched. Breathe. Let go. We're here...........
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sooooo tired
soooootired
thank you for responding....I feel so defeated all the time because I have always had low self esteem and self worth so it is hard for me to deal with her when I cant even crawl out of my hole. I have been to many many counselors and have tried alot of different antidepressants. But every time I think Im improving I get attacked again then I go right back down that hill. I am responsible, I work for an area dermatologist, I am crafty and artistic when I want to be, but nothing I do ever seems to be good enough in my eyes, I always feel inferior, like im the least important, even though I am a very hard worker and good employee. I just feel like I live each day with no joy, just existing and I hate it!!! Im 61 years old and want to love and enjoy my life, but sad as it seems, with her in it I feel like dying when she starts her mental escapades!! Sorry for rambling but i so want to be happy.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Hon, listen to the people here. I have a few suggestions. Maybe you think they will work for you. You are never obligated to do what we suggest, but I will pass along what has worked for me. Then you decide. We support you no matter what.
Do not talk to Daughter every time she calls. Maybe once a week for ten minutes. You know the call will be her threatening you or blackmailing you or asking for something so why do you need to listen to her every time she is feeling whiny and childish? I think your life would be richer and far more peaceful if you set a boundary on how often she can call you.I'd not check her FB either as our little darlings tend to post nasty or scary stuff JUST FOR US! Aren't we special? You must have other loved ones who are actually fun to talk to. I would tell her you are limiting contact unless she refrains from all complaints and expectations of you. I did this with Difficult Son. After showing him I meant it, he has really stopped the phone abuse!
Let her know in advance that you are not going to pick up the phone just to hear her complain about her terrible life; that you need space from that. She WILL call you a terrible mother. You CAN say, "You are a smart woman and you don't need me to care for your anymore. You can work this out yourself. I love you so I want to help you grow up by not solving your problems for you. I know you can do it." If that causes a burst of abuse, say, "I have to go now" in a calm voice and hang up and then put your phone on vibrate and don't answer her.
If your daughter chooses to run off without her child, then that was her decision and Dad will raise him. You don't have to raise your daughter's child. There are other alternatives. Some of us are in the wrong mindset or too old or tooooooooooo tired to do that anymore and we are not bad people if we don't. Obviously we can't emotionally meet the needs of a busy toddler if we are not up to it in every way. Your daughter is using the very common emotional blackmail we see with these men and women. They want to still be children so they blackmail us with horrible scenarios if you dare to say "no."
Wishing you strength, which grows each time you say "no", and the peace of knowing you HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN and that it is her responsibility now, not yours, and that if the worst happens and your grandson needs a place to stay there are loving foster homes, not just your house. You are not obligated to anything that you don't feel you can do nor should you. THAT helps NOBODY.
Huggles and try to relax. We are here 24/7 and don't even take off Christmas.
Do not talk to Daughter every time she calls. Maybe once a week for ten minutes. You know the call will be her threatening you or blackmailing you or asking for something so why do you need to listen to her every time she is feeling whiny and childish? I think your life would be richer and far more peaceful if you set a boundary on how often she can call you.I'd not check her FB either as our little darlings tend to post nasty or scary stuff JUST FOR US! Aren't we special? You must have other loved ones who are actually fun to talk to. I would tell her you are limiting contact unless she refrains from all complaints and expectations of you. I did this with Difficult Son. After showing him I meant it, he has really stopped the phone abuse!
Let her know in advance that you are not going to pick up the phone just to hear her complain about her terrible life; that you need space from that. She WILL call you a terrible mother. You CAN say, "You are a smart woman and you don't need me to care for your anymore. You can work this out yourself. I love you so I want to help you grow up by not solving your problems for you. I know you can do it." If that causes a burst of abuse, say, "I have to go now" in a calm voice and hang up and then put your phone on vibrate and don't answer her.
If your daughter chooses to run off without her child, then that was her decision and Dad will raise him. You don't have to raise your daughter's child. There are other alternatives. Some of us are in the wrong mindset or too old or tooooooooooo tired to do that anymore and we are not bad people if we don't. Obviously we can't emotionally meet the needs of a busy toddler if we are not up to it in every way. Your daughter is using the very common emotional blackmail we see with these men and women. They want to still be children so they blackmail us with horrible scenarios if you dare to say "no."
Wishing you strength, which grows each time you say "no", and the peace of knowing you HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN and that it is her responsibility now, not yours, and that if the worst happens and your grandson needs a place to stay there are loving foster homes, not just your house. You are not obligated to anything that you don't feel you can do nor should you. THAT helps NOBODY.
Huggles and try to relax. We are here 24/7 and don't even take off Christmas.
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sooooo tired
soooootired
I know I am taking baby steps here and I appreciate you all so very much!!! Hopefully I can regain my joy of life again...it has just been so many years of this...I wish I would have started a long time ago!!! But better late then never! It is just so hard to watch a child go down so far that they cant and wont even try to pick themselves up...her favorite words are I CAN'T !!!!!!
You're a good person ST, you've just been on a long ride where your attention was on another, over time that derails us, depletes us, takes over our lives and robs us of joy. I know how that feels. Three years ago I was in a similar place as you are now. I found this board, I got myself into an intensive program of codependency recovery, which I did for ME. I had therapy and a therapy group. I attended CoDa groups, I read a lot of books and I posted on this board a lot and I listened to what the members here, who had already managed to detach, said and I emulated what they were doing. It took time. But I found my joy. I found my peace.
Listen to what MWM is saying about limiting the time spent listening and dealing with your daughter. That was the first thing I did too. Set a moat around yourself that she has to figuratively swim through to get to you. Learn about boundaries. In the time spent without her, begin doing things you love, that mean something to you. You didn't do anything wrong, there is no need to punish yourself with guilt and remorse. My kid went off the rails too. I thought I was supposed to suffer along with her. Well, I got a lot of help that made me realize I don't have to do that. Nor do you.
Make each day about you and what makes you happy. Do something kind and nurturing for yourself every single day. It's very, very important to take action for YOU now. You have to love yourself.
Your daughter may not ever change. She may always say, "I can't." But unless you take it on, it doesn't have to mean a life sentence for you as well. It is your life ST, go grab it with both hands and get out there and live it. We're in our 60's, NOW is the time, not tomorrow, now. You have the power to change this for yourself. I did. You can too.
Choose you. Choose joy. Choose life.
Listen to what MWM is saying about limiting the time spent listening and dealing with your daughter. That was the first thing I did too. Set a moat around yourself that she has to figuratively swim through to get to you. Learn about boundaries. In the time spent without her, begin doing things you love, that mean something to you. You didn't do anything wrong, there is no need to punish yourself with guilt and remorse. My kid went off the rails too. I thought I was supposed to suffer along with her. Well, I got a lot of help that made me realize I don't have to do that. Nor do you.
Make each day about you and what makes you happy. Do something kind and nurturing for yourself every single day. It's very, very important to take action for YOU now. You have to love yourself.
Your daughter may not ever change. She may always say, "I can't." But unless you take it on, it doesn't have to mean a life sentence for you as well. It is your life ST, go grab it with both hands and get out there and live it. We're in our 60's, NOW is the time, not tomorrow, now. You have the power to change this for yourself. I did. You can too.
Choose you. Choose joy. Choose life.
Work on focusing on YOU not her. When those panic attacks hit, slow down, close your eyes and take slow easy breaths. You are at the beginning of letting go and it's new to you and can be scary but remind yourself of what you have already survived. You have made it this far, you are much stronger than you think you are. You can do this. Each day it will get a little easier.
Practice those simple lines..... you know the kinds of things your daughter will say, so come up with and practice what you will say to her.
Limit contact with her. You are not obligated to answer every time she calls.
You can also writer her a letter explaining that you are making some changes in your life, that you love her but she needs to start taking responsibility for her self and her child.
I know you are concerned about your grandson, that is the hardest when young children are involved but there is nothing you can do.
The number one thing you need to do now is limit your contact with her.
You will get through this. There are so many here that have been right where you are now and we have gone on to take our lives back with joy.
Practice those simple lines..... you know the kinds of things your daughter will say, so come up with and practice what you will say to her.
Limit contact with her. You are not obligated to answer every time she calls.
You can also writer her a letter explaining that you are making some changes in your life, that you love her but she needs to start taking responsibility for her self and her child.
I know you are concerned about your grandson, that is the hardest when young children are involved but there is nothing you can do.
The number one thing you need to do now is limit your contact with her.
You will get through this. There are so many here that have been right where you are now and we have gone on to take our lives back with joy.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Good Morning, Sheila
I hope your night was peaceful, and that you were able to rest. When we are just in the beginning phases of our healing, we don't yet have the tools those further along in the process have found so helpful. Here are some things that have helped me begin seeing my situation, and my children, differently.
Key for me was to see my children as the bright, competent, very strong adults they are. Then, I began telling them exactly that. Things like: "You are bright and strong and I raised you well. You can do this. Everything is fine." I could not say such words to my kids at first. I felt so horrible about the things that were happening to them. I tore myself apart wondering where exactly it was that I'd gone wrong so I could address it and stop the suffering of my innocent children.
That is the worst thing we can do.
If our kids are going to make it through, they are going to have to be strong. What we are learning here is how to change the way we talk to them so they will believe they are strong, too.
They say that hearing our mothers tell us all will be well is one of the most soothing things we can hear. "All will be well."
Another helpful thing. There are three steps to this exercise.
1) What concrete things would you need to see from your child before you would willingly, confidently, help her again? This is a very important piece. Take a minute to think this one over. It will be pivotal in your change process.
2) Now that you have done that, now that you have that picture in your mind and heart, you will be strong enough to say no. "No money." "No you cannot live with me." "No I will not raise your baby." What you can say instead is: The phone number for Social Services is: The crisis hotline is:
Always, always say: "You can do this. I know you, and I know you can do this."
3) What you will realize Sheila, once you think all this through is that if the kids would only take the simplest, most basic actions to set themselves on their feet...they would not need you.
And that is the point of the above exercise. To help us realize our kids are sabotaging themselves with their choices and their lifestyles and though we can and do advise them until we are blue in the face, we cannot change the choices they make.
Once we understand that piece, we begin to see our situations with our children differently. It gets to be about survival.
Our own.
We begin to be angry at what the child is doing, has done, intends to do, to us.
And we begin to change.
We change the way we see our children, and we change the way we see ourselves.
We reclaim our lives.
***
For those times at night when you cannot sleep: The Serenity Prayer. One of the moms who was here when I first began told me to read it and read it until I got it. When I did that, when I do that, it helps me. I will write the words again for you, here. Please Sheila, read them over and over when you don't know what to do, or when you can't sleep or have a decision to make, or when you need strength to face whatever is happening. These words helped me.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
I don't want to simplify any of this. We are suffering, here. Our children are in trouble and we don't know how to help them.
I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your child.
Through sharing our stories, our successes and failures and grief and happiness, we form a community here where we can draw strength when we need it and give strength when it is needed.
You are here with us now.
You aren't alone with it, anymore.
***
These are tools for our toolboxes. (This concept was given to us by Child of Mine. Toolbox is a euphemism for a developing skill set.) When something really bad happens, we go into a form of shock. We cannot think. Everything seems to be spinning. We leap to save our child.
And things keep getting worse.
A better way is to teach our children to save themselves.
It isn't easy. It is not warm and pleasant, and we will never come through it as the innocent, loving mothers expecting only the best that we once were.
But we are very sure, here on the site, that standing up to our children in these ways and protecting ourselves in these ways may be the only way our adult children will ever take themselves and their lives seriously.
It is a very hard thing, to parent a difficult child child.
***
An equally helpful action in our recoveries is to form an intention. How do you want to see yourself? How do you want to see yourself responding to your daughter? How would you like to treat yourself, to think of yourself? There are people who make what is called an intention board. It can be anything, really. A piece of paper, a bulletin board, a notebook, a page in your journal. To begin it, people often take a stack of magazines and cut out pictures that appeal to them. Pictures of anything, at all. Then, go through your stack of pictures until you have found those that speak to you. What do they mean to you? Put them in your journal, or on your bulletin board, or up in your office to remind you of your intention to reclaim and to recreate your life.
***
Here is a quote for you:
"In order to experience yourself more powerfully, you must will to do so. If you want to radiate from your own source and stop depending on other people, you must work very hard at learning to trust your own mind. When you succeed, you will have preferences, instead of needs and dependencies. You will operate from your heightened intuition and honed awareness, and your behavior will be calm, appropriate, and exacting. You will use your will with consciousness, and take responsibility for all of your decisions. When problems create minor upsets, you will live through them with dignity, fluidity, and exactitude...and then, you will move on."
***
"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degree?"
Shakespeare
***
"There was a time when you were not a slave. Remember that. You walked alone, full of laughter, you bathed bare-bellied. You say you have lost all recollection of it ~ remember. You know how to avoid meeting a bear on the track. You know the winter-fear when you hear the wolves gathering. But you can remain seated for hours in tree tops to await morning. You say there are no words to describe this time; you say it does not exist. But remember. Make an effort to remember. Or, failing that, invent."
Monique Wittig
Les Guerilleres
This above quotation is about taking time, about no panic, about bravery in the face of, in the very teeth of, the nightmare of what is happening to our kids.
***
This is a quote from years ago. It is from one of the moms here on the site. I have never forgotten it.
"It is what it is.
Part of my life, but not the defining force."
Fran
***
For strengthening ourselves, we can explore Brene Brown's writing and YouTube presence. Her take is that human beings are wired for conflict. We thrive on it. Her question to each of us, parent and child alike, is: Given that human beings are wired for, thrive on, conflict...where are you concentrating your energies?
Once we know that, we can change that.
We can go any direction we choose.
"No one is listening. Now you may sing the self song.
As the bird does.
Not for territory or dominance
but for self-enlargement.
Let something
come from nothing.
Stan Rice
***
For learning how to see our children's situations. For learning the words we need to speak to them in these new ways we are trying because nothing else has worked. For learning how to communicate our new understanding that we cannot change them but only ourselves, only our own words, only our own actions. For realizing that isn't much to fight the battle before us but it is more than we had, before:
drkathleenmccoy.blogspot.com
***
Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy Sarah Ban Breathnack
Gratitude journaling will help you, Sheila. List five things every day for which you are deeply, truly grateful. All at once, your life will be yours again in the heart of you.
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Our self talk contributes to our misery. We convict ourselves of strange and awful things, when our children are self destructing. In this book Eckhart tells us how to recognize ego for what it is and to let it go, to stop taking it seriously. We can learn to let our suffering be what it is ~ but no more than what it is. Guilt is a useless thing for a mother. If you were the kind of mother who had something to be guilty for, you would not be here with us.
This is a valuable thing to know, and can help us turn our lives around.
Wishing you well and happy and strong and whole again, Sheila.
You are welcome here with open arms.
There is a certain richness here, a wealth of warmth and laughter and hope.
It is a good, good place.
Cedar
I hope your night was peaceful, and that you were able to rest. When we are just in the beginning phases of our healing, we don't yet have the tools those further along in the process have found so helpful. Here are some things that have helped me begin seeing my situation, and my children, differently.
Key for me was to see my children as the bright, competent, very strong adults they are. Then, I began telling them exactly that. Things like: "You are bright and strong and I raised you well. You can do this. Everything is fine." I could not say such words to my kids at first. I felt so horrible about the things that were happening to them. I tore myself apart wondering where exactly it was that I'd gone wrong so I could address it and stop the suffering of my innocent children.
That is the worst thing we can do.
If our kids are going to make it through, they are going to have to be strong. What we are learning here is how to change the way we talk to them so they will believe they are strong, too.
They say that hearing our mothers tell us all will be well is one of the most soothing things we can hear. "All will be well."
Another helpful thing. There are three steps to this exercise.
1) What concrete things would you need to see from your child before you would willingly, confidently, help her again? This is a very important piece. Take a minute to think this one over. It will be pivotal in your change process.
2) Now that you have done that, now that you have that picture in your mind and heart, you will be strong enough to say no. "No money." "No you cannot live with me." "No I will not raise your baby." What you can say instead is: The phone number for Social Services is: The crisis hotline is:
Always, always say: "You can do this. I know you, and I know you can do this."
3) What you will realize Sheila, once you think all this through is that if the kids would only take the simplest, most basic actions to set themselves on their feet...they would not need you.
And that is the point of the above exercise. To help us realize our kids are sabotaging themselves with their choices and their lifestyles and though we can and do advise them until we are blue in the face, we cannot change the choices they make.
Once we understand that piece, we begin to see our situations with our children differently. It gets to be about survival.
Our own.
We begin to be angry at what the child is doing, has done, intends to do, to us.
And we begin to change.
We change the way we see our children, and we change the way we see ourselves.
We reclaim our lives.
***
For those times at night when you cannot sleep: The Serenity Prayer. One of the moms who was here when I first began told me to read it and read it until I got it. When I did that, when I do that, it helps me. I will write the words again for you, here. Please Sheila, read them over and over when you don't know what to do, or when you can't sleep or have a decision to make, or when you need strength to face whatever is happening. These words helped me.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
I don't want to simplify any of this. We are suffering, here. Our children are in trouble and we don't know how to help them.
I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your child.
Through sharing our stories, our successes and failures and grief and happiness, we form a community here where we can draw strength when we need it and give strength when it is needed.
You are here with us now.
You aren't alone with it, anymore.
***
These are tools for our toolboxes. (This concept was given to us by Child of Mine. Toolbox is a euphemism for a developing skill set.) When something really bad happens, we go into a form of shock. We cannot think. Everything seems to be spinning. We leap to save our child.
And things keep getting worse.
A better way is to teach our children to save themselves.
It isn't easy. It is not warm and pleasant, and we will never come through it as the innocent, loving mothers expecting only the best that we once were.
But we are very sure, here on the site, that standing up to our children in these ways and protecting ourselves in these ways may be the only way our adult children will ever take themselves and their lives seriously.
It is a very hard thing, to parent a difficult child child.
***
An equally helpful action in our recoveries is to form an intention. How do you want to see yourself? How do you want to see yourself responding to your daughter? How would you like to treat yourself, to think of yourself? There are people who make what is called an intention board. It can be anything, really. A piece of paper, a bulletin board, a notebook, a page in your journal. To begin it, people often take a stack of magazines and cut out pictures that appeal to them. Pictures of anything, at all. Then, go through your stack of pictures until you have found those that speak to you. What do they mean to you? Put them in your journal, or on your bulletin board, or up in your office to remind you of your intention to reclaim and to recreate your life.
***
Here is a quote for you:
"In order to experience yourself more powerfully, you must will to do so. If you want to radiate from your own source and stop depending on other people, you must work very hard at learning to trust your own mind. When you succeed, you will have preferences, instead of needs and dependencies. You will operate from your heightened intuition and honed awareness, and your behavior will be calm, appropriate, and exacting. You will use your will with consciousness, and take responsibility for all of your decisions. When problems create minor upsets, you will live through them with dignity, fluidity, and exactitude...and then, you will move on."
***
"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degree?"
Shakespeare
***
"There was a time when you were not a slave. Remember that. You walked alone, full of laughter, you bathed bare-bellied. You say you have lost all recollection of it ~ remember. You know how to avoid meeting a bear on the track. You know the winter-fear when you hear the wolves gathering. But you can remain seated for hours in tree tops to await morning. You say there are no words to describe this time; you say it does not exist. But remember. Make an effort to remember. Or, failing that, invent."
Monique Wittig
Les Guerilleres
This above quotation is about taking time, about no panic, about bravery in the face of, in the very teeth of, the nightmare of what is happening to our kids.
***
This is a quote from years ago. It is from one of the moms here on the site. I have never forgotten it.
"It is what it is.
Part of my life, but not the defining force."
Fran
***
For strengthening ourselves, we can explore Brene Brown's writing and YouTube presence. Her take is that human beings are wired for conflict. We thrive on it. Her question to each of us, parent and child alike, is: Given that human beings are wired for, thrive on, conflict...where are you concentrating your energies?
Once we know that, we can change that.
We can go any direction we choose.
"No one is listening. Now you may sing the self song.
As the bird does.
Not for territory or dominance
but for self-enlargement.
Let something
come from nothing.
Stan Rice
***
For learning how to see our children's situations. For learning the words we need to speak to them in these new ways we are trying because nothing else has worked. For learning how to communicate our new understanding that we cannot change them but only ourselves, only our own words, only our own actions. For realizing that isn't much to fight the battle before us but it is more than we had, before:
drkathleenmccoy.blogspot.com
***
Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy Sarah Ban Breathnack
Gratitude journaling will help you, Sheila. List five things every day for which you are deeply, truly grateful. All at once, your life will be yours again in the heart of you.
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Our self talk contributes to our misery. We convict ourselves of strange and awful things, when our children are self destructing. In this book Eckhart tells us how to recognize ego for what it is and to let it go, to stop taking it seriously. We can learn to let our suffering be what it is ~ but no more than what it is. Guilt is a useless thing for a mother. If you were the kind of mother who had something to be guilty for, you would not be here with us.
This is a valuable thing to know, and can help us turn our lives around.
Wishing you well and happy and strong and whole again, Sheila.
You are welcome here with open arms.
There is a certain richness here, a wealth of warmth and laughter and hope.
It is a good, good place.
Cedar
sooooo tired
soooootired
Good Morning, Sheila
I hope your night was peaceful, and that you were able to rest. When we are just in the beginning phases of our healing, we don't yet have the tools those further along in the process have found so helpful. Here are some things that have helped me begin seeing my situation, and my children, differently.
Key for me was to see my children as the bright, competent, very strong adults they are. Then, I began telling them exactly that. Things like: "You are bright and strong and I raised you well. You can do this. Everything is fine." I could not say such words to my kids at first. I felt so horrible about the things that were happening to them. I tore myself apart wondering where exactly it was that I'd gone wrong so I could address it and stop the suffering of my innocent children.
That is the worst thing we can do.
If our kids are going to make it through, they are going to have to be strong. What we are learning here is how to change the way we talk to them so they will believe they are strong, too.
They say that hearing our mothers tell us all will be well is one of the most soothing things we can hear. "All will be well."
Another helpful thing. There are three steps to this exercise.
1) What concrete things would you need to see from your child before you would willingly, confidently, help her again? This is a very important piece. Take a minute to think this one over. It will be pivotal in your change process.
2) Now that you have done that, now that you have that picture in your mind and heart, you will be strong enough to say no. "No money." "No you cannot live with me." "No I will not raise your baby." What you can say instead is: The phone number for Social Services is: The crisis hotline is:
Always, always say: "You can do this. I know you, and I know you can do this."
3) What you will realize Sheila, once you think all this through is that if the kids would only take the simplest, most basic actions to set themselves on their feet...they would not need you.
And that is the point of the above exercise. To help us realize our kids are sabotaging themselves with their choices and their lifestyles and though we can and do advise them until we are blue in the face, we cannot change the choices they make.
Once we understand that piece, we begin to see our situations with our children differently. It gets to be about survival.
Our own.
We begin to be angry at what the child is doing, has done, intends to do, to us.
And we begin to change.
We change the way we see our children, and we change the way we see ourselves.
We reclaim our lives.
***
For those times at night when you cannot sleep: The Serenity Prayer. One of the moms who was here when I first began told me to read it and read it until I got it. When I did that, when I do that, it helps me. I will write the words again for you, here. Please Sheila, read them over and over when you don't know what to do, or when you can't sleep or have a decision to make, or when you need strength to face whatever is happening. These words helped me.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
I don't want to simplify any of this. We are suffering, here. Our children are in trouble and we don't know how to help them.
I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your child.
Through sharing our stories, our successes and failures and grief and happiness, we form a community here where we can draw strength when we need it and give strength when it is needed.
You are here with us now.
You aren't alone with it, anymore.
***
These are tools for our toolboxes. (This concept was given to us by Child of Mine. Toolbox is a euphemism for a developing skill set.) When something really bad happens, we go into a form of shock. We cannot think. Everything seems to be spinning. We leap to save our child.
And things keep getting worse.
A better way is to teach our children to save themselves.
It isn't easy. It is not warm and pleasant, and we will never come through it as the innocent, loving mothers expecting only the best that we once were.
But we are very sure, here on the site, that standing up to our children in these ways and protecting ourselves in these ways may be the only way our adult children will ever take themselves and their lives seriously.
It is a very hard thing, to parent a difficult child child.
***
An equally helpful action in our recoveries is to form an intention. How do you want to see yourself? How do you want to see yourself responding to your daughter? How would you like to treat yourself, to think of yourself? There are people who make what is called an intention board. It can be anything, really. A piece of paper, a bulletin board, a notebook, a page in your journal. To begin it, people often take a stack of magazines and cut out pictures that appeal to them. Pictures of anything, at all. Then, go through your stack of pictures until you have found those that speak to you. What do they mean to you? Put them in your journal, or on your bulletin board, or up in your office to remind you of your intention to reclaim and to recreate your life.
***
Here is a quote for you:
"In order to experience yourself more powerfully, you must will to do so. If you want to radiate from your own source and stop depending on other people, you must work very hard at learning to trust your own mind. When you succeed, you will have preferences, instead of needs and dependencies. You will operate from your heightened intuition and honed awareness, and your behavior will be calm, appropriate, and exacting. You will use your will with consciousness, and take responsibility for all of your decisions. When problems create minor upsets, you will live through them with dignity, fluidity, and exactitude...and then, you will move on."
***
"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degree?"
Shakespeare
***
"There was a time when you were not a slave. Remember that. You walked alone, full of laughter, you bathed bare-bellied. You say you have lost all recollection of it ~ remember. You know how to avoid meeting a bear on the track. You know the winter-fear when you hear the wolves gathering. But you can remain seated for hours in tree tops to await morning. You say there are no words to describe this time; you say it does not exist. But remember. Make an effort to remember. Or, failing that, invent."
Monique Wittig
Les Guerilleres
This above quotation is about taking time, about no panic, about bravery in the face of, in the very teeth of, the nightmare of what is happening to our kids.
***
This is a quote from years ago. It is from one of the moms here on the site. I have never forgotten it.
"It is what it is.
Part of my life, but not the defining force."
Fran
***
For strengthening ourselves, we can explore Brene Brown's writing and YouTube presence. Her take is that human beings are wired for conflict. We thrive on it. Her question to each of us, parent and child alike, is: Given that human beings are wired for, thrive on, conflict...where are you concentrating your energies?
Once we know that, we can change that.
We can go any direction we choose.
"No one is listening. Now you may sing the self song.
As the bird does.
Not for territory or dominance
but for self-enlargement.
Let something
come from nothing.
Stan Rice
***
For learning how to see our children's situations. For learning the words we need to speak to them in these new ways we are trying because nothing else has worked. For learning how to communicate our new understanding that we cannot change them but only ourselves, only our own words, only our own actions. For realizing that isn't much to fight the battle before us but it is more than we had, before:
drkathleenmccoy.blogspot.com
***
Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy Sarah Ban Breathnack
Gratitude journaling will help you, Sheila. List five things every day for which you are deeply, truly grateful. All at once, your life will be yours again in the heart of you.
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Our self talk contributes to our misery. We convict ourselves of strange and awful things, when our children are self destructing. In this book Eckhart tells us how to recognize ego for what it is and to let it go, to stop taking it seriously. We can learn to let our suffering be what it is ~ but no more than what it is. Guilt is a useless thing for a mother. If you were the kind of mother who had something to be guilty for, you would not be here with us.
This is a valuable thing to know, and can help us turn our lives around.
Wishing you well and happy and strong and whole again, Sheila.
You are welcome here with open arms.
There is a certain richness here, a wealth of warmth and laughter and hope.
It is a good, good place.
Cedar
thank you for being here...this is soo helpful!! I was messing around with my profile and I dont know what I did but my name isn't Sheila your post seems directed to me I dont know what happened...I am still trying to understand how to navigate this site, Im a little confused but I will eventually catch on lolGood Morning, Sheila
I hope your night was peaceful, and that you were able to rest. When we are just in the beginning phases of our healing, we don't yet have the tools those further along in the process have found so helpful. Here are some things that have helped me begin seeing my situation, and my children, differently.
Key for me was to see my children as the bright, competent, very strong adults they are. Then, I began telling them exactly that. Things like: "You are bright and strong and I raised you well. You can do this. Everything is fine." I could not say such words to my kids at first. I felt so horrible about the things that were happening to them. I tore myself apart wondering where exactly it was that I'd gone wrong so I could address it and stop the suffering of my innocent children.
That is the worst thing we can do.
If our kids are going to make it through, they are going to have to be strong. What we are learning here is how to change the way we talk to them so they will believe they are strong, too.
They say that hearing our mothers tell us all will be well is one of the most soothing things we can hear. "All will be well."
Another helpful thing. There are three steps to this exercise.
1) What concrete things would you need to see from your child before you would willingly, confidently, help her again? This is a very important piece. Take a minute to think this one over. It will be pivotal in your change process.
2) Now that you have done that, now that you have that picture in your mind and heart, you will be strong enough to say no. "No money." "No you cannot live with me." "No I will not raise your baby." What you can say instead is: The phone number for Social Services is: The crisis hotline is:
Always, always say: "You can do this. I know you, and I know you can do this."
3) What you will realize Sheila, once you think all this through is that if the kids would only take the simplest, most basic actions to set themselves on their feet...they would not need you.
And that is the point of the above exercise. To help us realize our kids are sabotaging themselves with their choices and their lifestyles and though we can and do advise them until we are blue in the face, we cannot change the choices they make.
Once we understand that piece, we begin to see our situations with our children differently. It gets to be about survival.
Our own.
We begin to be angry at what the child is doing, has done, intends to do, to us.
And we begin to change.
We change the way we see our children, and we change the way we see ourselves.
We reclaim our lives.
***
For those times at night when you cannot sleep: The Serenity Prayer. One of the moms who was here when I first began told me to read it and read it until I got it. When I did that, when I do that, it helps me. I will write the words again for you, here. Please Sheila, read them over and over when you don't know what to do, or when you can't sleep or have a decision to make, or when you need strength to face whatever is happening. These words helped me.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
I don't want to simplify any of this. We are suffering, here. Our children are in trouble and we don't know how to help them.
I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your child.
Through sharing our stories, our successes and failures and grief and happiness, we form a community here where we can draw strength when we need it and give strength when it is needed.
You are here with us now.
You aren't alone with it, anymore.
***
These are tools for our toolboxes. (This concept was given to us by Child of Mine. Toolbox is a euphemism for a developing skill set.) When something really bad happens, we go into a form of shock. We cannot think. Everything seems to be spinning. We leap to save our child.
And things keep getting worse.
A better way is to teach our children to save themselves.
It isn't easy. It is not warm and pleasant, and we will never come through it as the innocent, loving mothers expecting only the best that we once were.
But we are very sure, here on the site, that standing up to our children in these ways and protecting ourselves in these ways may be the only way our adult children will ever take themselves and their lives seriously.
It is a very hard thing, to parent a difficult child child.
***
An equally helpful action in our recoveries is to form an intention. How do you want to see yourself? How do you want to see yourself responding to your daughter? How would you like to treat yourself, to think of yourself? There are people who make what is called an intention board. It can be anything, really. A piece of paper, a bulletin board, a notebook, a page in your journal. To begin it, people often take a stack of magazines and cut out pictures that appeal to them. Pictures of anything, at all. Then, go through your stack of pictures until you have found those that speak to you. What do they mean to you? Put them in your journal, or on your bulletin board, or up in your office to remind you of your intention to reclaim and to recreate your life.
***
Here is a quote for you:
"In order to experience yourself more powerfully, you must will to do so. If you want to radiate from your own source and stop depending on other people, you must work very hard at learning to trust your own mind. When you succeed, you will have preferences, instead of needs and dependencies. You will operate from your heightened intuition and honed awareness, and your behavior will be calm, appropriate, and exacting. You will use your will with consciousness, and take responsibility for all of your decisions. When problems create minor upsets, you will live through them with dignity, fluidity, and exactitude...and then, you will move on."
***
"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degree?"
Shakespeare
***
"There was a time when you were not a slave. Remember that. You walked alone, full of laughter, you bathed bare-bellied. You say you have lost all recollection of it ~ remember. You know how to avoid meeting a bear on the track. You know the winter-fear when you hear the wolves gathering. But you can remain seated for hours in tree tops to await morning. You say there are no words to describe this time; you say it does not exist. But remember. Make an effort to remember. Or, failing that, invent."
Monique Wittig
Les Guerilleres
This above quotation is about taking time, about no panic, about bravery in the face of, in the very teeth of, the nightmare of what is happening to our kids.
***
This is a quote from years ago. It is from one of the moms here on the site. I have never forgotten it.
"It is what it is.
Part of my life, but not the defining force."
Fran
***
For strengthening ourselves, we can explore Brene Brown's writing and YouTube presence. Her take is that human beings are wired for conflict. We thrive on it. Her question to each of us, parent and child alike, is: Given that human beings are wired for, thrive on, conflict...where are you concentrating your energies?
Once we know that, we can change that.
We can go any direction we choose.
"No one is listening. Now you may sing the self song.
As the bird does.
Not for territory or dominance
but for self-enlargement.
Let something
come from nothing.
Stan Rice
***
For learning how to see our children's situations. For learning the words we need to speak to them in these new ways we are trying because nothing else has worked. For learning how to communicate our new understanding that we cannot change them but only ourselves, only our own words, only our own actions. For realizing that isn't much to fight the battle before us but it is more than we had, before:
drkathleenmccoy.blogspot.com
***
Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy Sarah Ban Breathnack
Gratitude journaling will help you, Sheila. List five things every day for which you are deeply, truly grateful. All at once, your life will be yours again in the heart of you.
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Our self talk contributes to our misery. We convict ourselves of strange and awful things, when our children are self destructing. In this book Eckhart tells us how to recognize ego for what it is and to let it go, to stop taking it seriously. We can learn to let our suffering be what it is ~ but no more than what it is. Guilt is a useless thing for a mother. If you were the kind of mother who had something to be guilty for, you would not be here with us.
This is a valuable thing to know, and can help us turn our lives around.
Wishing you well and happy and strong and whole again, Sheila.
You are welcome here with open arms.
There is a certain richness here, a wealth of warmth and laughter and hope.
It is a good, good place.
Cedar
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Ha! You are right! I am so sorry. I was definitely posting to you, sotired!!!
Cedar
sooooo tired
soooootired
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Ironbutterfly
If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree
If they, the older ones want money, make them work for it. Cut grass, shovel snow, pick weeds, something so they associate work with pay instead of a handout.
Ironbutterfly
If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree
Your home is your safe haven for your own sanity. Look up some numbers for places she can go to get treatment and help. Then tell her you love her but someone is at the door and you have to go and hang up. Keep your replies simple and direct. Maybe she isn't able to take care of the baby and the boyfriend is the better suited one to do so.
