Car - again!

[Triedntrue]

I saw today he only cleaned the outside not the inside. Confronted him. Said he did not feel like it. Which invalidated his words from yesterday that he is grateful to his Grandfather. Words are cheap. Actions speak much louder. He said he would get inside done and I nailed him down when. He said tomorrow and I asked for a time. He said noon. I told him that was the deadline and he replied that he was not setting a deadline !!!! Every.single.boundary I set gets challenged. Which shows me he does not take me seriously. I should have never helped him get this car. Shame on me for being so very stupid. He did not learn from the consequences of losing his Honda due to letting his high friend drive it (with him in it). I did not feel strong enough to ask for the keys or up the ante. This is why he does not respect me. It's on me. I thought about what I am afraid of and it is his anger. The way he has laid into me and gotten loud and assassinated my character , my motherhood, and broke my heart by saying he did not love me. I need to start using my head instead of my heart.

Very familiar went through it many times. It is why he is not allowed to live with me. If you need to call the police do so. He needs to know that you are willing to do so. I got to the point where i just couldn't stand it. Thank goodness my husband was willing. A lot less tantrums when he knew i had learned. It is hard to stand your ground and you never do it when you could be in danger. Sometimes you need to give consequences from a position of safety. Example i will not give you a ride because the last time you were in my car you were out of control. I am sure others have better ideas but the point is if you let him continue he won't learn. Unfortunately it took me far too long to learn and i am not perfect, far from it.

 

[AppleCori]

Wise, if I am reading this correctly, you came up with the idea that your son should buy your dad’s car. You came up with the terms of the sale. Your dad agreed to go along with this as long as he didn’t have to be involved. Your son went along with the plan.

I imagine that this seemed like a great idea at the time, so that you wouldn’t have to take your son to work and back every day. It’s another case of us trying to solve our adult kids’ problems and taking over.


I think this is yours to deal with, without involving your dad.

 

[AppleCori]

If it were me, I would probably let son have till the end of the year to get a loan on the car (since that is what you have agreed on) and let the rest go.

If, on December 31st (or whatever the last banking day of the year is) if there is no loan by 5pm, I would take the keys. The car would need to be restored to the way it was when he received it, even if he (or you) must pay for professional cleaning.

Then it goes up for sale and be done with it.

And, then needs to find his way to work on his own.

My husband, back in the old days, would fall into the trap of trying to fix his sons’ problems by making a plan, executing it, and expecting his sons to follow through. It never worked well, caused a lot of problems and hurt their relationship in the long run.

 

[Blindsided]

What

What do you suggest exactly by involving him in the decision making process? I assume you mean my son? What would that look like and why should he be involved?

I learned this one decades ago.

Identify offensive behavior with your son.

Ask him, if you were approaching this behavior for someone else, what consequences seem reasonable?

It clarifies the person is being heard. It helps the person see ownership in the behavior. Their consequences are probably not strong enough, but we can negotiate. I learned this technique when my son was in youth diversion as a teen. I wish I would have seen the need with my Difficult Child daughter. She was the easy child, or so I thought.

I hope I made sense.

 

[WiseChoices]

I learned this one decades ago.

Identify offensive behavior with your son.

Ask him, if you were approaching this behavior for someone else, what consequences seem reasonable?

It clarifies the person is being heard. It helps the person see ownership in the behavior. Their consequences are probably not strong enough, but we can negotiate. I learned this technique when my son was in youth diversion as a teen. I wish I would have seen the need with my Difficult Child daughter. She was the easy child, or so I thought.

I hope I made sense.

It makes a lot of sense. Thank you .