Car - again!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WiseChoices, Nov 14, 2019.

  1. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Very familiar went through it many times. It is why he is not allowed to live with me. If you need to call the police do so. He needs to know that you are willing to do so. I got to the point where i just couldn't stand it. Thank goodness my husband was willing. A lot less tantrums when he knew i had learned. It is hard to stand your ground and you never do it when you could be in danger. Sometimes you need to give consequences from a position of safety. Example i will not give you a ride because the last time you were in my car you were out of control. I am sure others have better ideas but the point is if you let him continue he won't learn. Unfortunately it took me far too long to learn and i am not perfect, far from it.
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  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Wise, if I am reading this correctly, you came up with the idea that your son should buy your dad’s car. You came up with the terms of the sale. Your dad agreed to go along with this as long as he didn’t have to be involved. Your son went along with the plan.

    I imagine that this seemed like a great idea at the time, so that you wouldn’t have to take your son to work and back every day. It’s another case of us trying to solve our adult kids’ problems and taking over.

    I think this is yours to deal with, without involving your dad.
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  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    If it were me, I would probably let son have till the end of the year to get a loan on the car (since that is what you have agreed on) and let the rest go.

    If, on December 31st (or whatever the last banking day of the year is) if there is no loan by 5pm, I would take the keys. The car would need to be restored to the way it was when he received it, even if he (or you) must pay for professional cleaning.

    Then it goes up for sale and be done with it.

    And, then needs to find his way to work on his own.

    My husband, back in the old days, would fall into the trap of trying to fix his sons’ problems by making a plan, executing it, and expecting his sons to follow through. It never worked well, caused a lot of problems and hurt their relationship in the long run.
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  4. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I learned this one decades ago.

    Identify offensive behavior with your son.

    Ask him, if you were approaching this behavior for someone else, what consequences seem reasonable?

    It clarifies the person is being heard. It helps the person see ownership in the behavior. Their consequences are probably not strong enough, but we can negotiate. I learned this technique when my son was in youth diversion as a teen. I wish I would have seen the need with my Difficult Child daughter. She was the easy child, or so I thought.

    I hope I made sense.
  5. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    It makes a lot of sense. Thank you .