Casual conversation about kids

[dayatatime]

I've been thinking lately that with people I meet in the workplace or other casual, temporary relationships I may stop acknowledging that I have a child. It's easy small talk for most-- do you have kids? how many? what are they studying? what do they do?

I love my son, obviously. But this harmless conversational thread seems to lead to unsolicited advice from strangers when I say he's 20, not in school, and not working. Regular civilian don't get that I have no control. I started lying about the where-is-he-living thing a while ago. I generally say with friends, though the truth is that he's in a foster home because he was too violent to stay in my home so I gave up custody.

I think I'm going to start saying I don't have any children, so I don't subject myself to the questions that always follow. I'm wondering how others handle these types of interactions??

I have never blocked anyone on my phone, but my son is now blocked. He can still leave a message if he wishes, or he can email me. I have told my doorman to stop letting him, and I have changed the locks. I'm at a new level of separating from him due to his choices and his outbursts. It feels awful. About having a kid, I'm having occasional thoughts to myself like, yeah- I had a kid but it didn't work out. And I think that as I think about my future and my aging process I may have to approach it as if I was childless. He's young enough that things may turn around, but they also may not.

I'm just wondering how others think about the fact that one has a child, when that child-having is so very far from the public picture of what child-having looks like.

 

[Triedntrue]

I truly understand the temptation. I have on occasion when asked desribed my other 2 and didn't say anything about the 3rd. Sometimes i say something like Difficult Child is Difficult Child. Insert name for Difficult Child. For people i don't know i just skirt around the issue. It is hard to talk about with people who don't understand . i of couse then feel guilty about it. I am not sure what the answer is but know you are not alone in your feelings.

 

[saskia]

I am just the same, I feel guilty but I need to get on with life and not feel the negative vibes of casual aquantances . Enough is enough

 

[Pink Elephant]

I've been thinking lately that with people I meet in the workplace or other casual, temporary relationships I may stop acknowledging that I have a child. It's easy small talk for most-- do you have kids? how many? what are they studying? what do they do?

I love my son, obviously. But this harmless conversational thread seems to lead to unsolicited advice from strangers when I say he's 20, not in school, and not working. Regular civilian don't get that I have no control. I started lying about the where-is-he-living thing a while ago. I generally say with friends, though the truth is that he's in a foster home because he was too violent to stay in my home so I gave up custody.

I think I'm going to start saying I don't have any children, so I don't subject myself to the questions that always follow. I'm wondering how others handle these types of interactions??

I have never blocked anyone on my phone, but my son is now blocked. He can still leave a message if he wishes, or he can email me. I have told my doorman to stop letting him, and I have changed the locks. I'm at a new level of separating from him due to his choices and his outbursts. It feels awful. About having a kid, I'm having occasional thoughts to myself like, yeah- I had a kid but it didn't work out. And I think that as I think about my future and my aging process I may have to approach it as if I was childless. He's young enough that things may turn around, but they also may not.

I'm just wondering how others think about the fact that one has a child, when that child-having is so very far from the public picture of what child-having looks like.

Yep, have felt at times that I was being grilled, even made to feel as though the person grilling me wasn't at all interested in the fact that I had kids or not, or what my kids did, but more so, how our kids compared, as in, who's kids were better, as in doing better.

I've never had the time for parenting, specifically, mothering contests.

 

[Lil]

Most people I know have known me a long time and know about my struggles with my son and even new people, when they asked, when things were at their worst, I never denied it. In fact, I probably have overshared many times. Sometimes people surprise you and you get: "Oh, I completely understand - my brother is an addict!" or "My sister has had the same problems with her oldest."

But, when I didn't want to say anything I just would say, "You know how some kids are - he's out 'finding himself' right now." or simply restrict the answer to name and age and change the subject. After all, it's not anyone else's business.