I am dealing with a 32 year old bipolar who will not medicate and doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him.
4now I went back and read some of your first posts and then some sporadically thereafter.
While it may feel to you that things keep backsliding, for a third party reading your posts it is surely not the case. First, your son took a concrete and very difficult step to change himself, qualitatively different from going to the ER or begging/manipulating you and others. This cannot be undone, whether he left or not. He did it. There is no turning back because he is the one who voluntarily admitted himself, as I understand it.
He is verbally abusive and has made threats so he can no longer stay in our house.
over the years he has stayed with us but this is no longer an option.
Anyway difficult child shoved my husband to the floor and that was the last straw for me
So much of what you write is like our situation. The explosive behavior, the escalation to violence. My son would call the cops to get US thrown in jail, indifferent about the consequences to us (I am a professional with a license; my SO is an undocumented immigrant.) Once he gave M, my SO, a black eye and had him pinned to the floor. And then he called the cops to get US thrown in jail!
I feel for him and he has no one left that even will talk to him but it can't be okay for him to terrorize us with threats of harming himself.
And this too. Manipulating us with threats to kill himself. Over and over again.
That said, I do not believe my son has used Meth, although I feared it.
There are millions of meth users who stop, but it is one of the hardest of drugs to quit. Partly because it changes brain chemistry and without it the brain mimics serious symptoms of mental illness--including hallucinations. There is a great deal of fear, anxiety, and sometimes, depression, associated with stopping, as well as the psychosis, which can last for years but typically fades.
That said, many, many people quit. I live in a place that is rampant with meth, as it is on the highway where it is transported up and down the state and to other parts of the US. It has been rampant here for 25 years that I know of and still is. I tell you this because my community is full of people who have quit, many of them mentally ill. I see their faces--marked by years of use--and can tell by how they act and what they do--that they are clean. I admire them so much.
So what is the summary statement here, from this long post? There are a couple.
What your son is doing is hard, hard, hard. It is particularly hard for somebody bipolar because the manic phase can sometimes be perceived as pleasurable--and the depressive phase intolerable. Who among us can really say that they would have the strength and fortitude to face this head on?
But many, many people have and do.
Second summary statement: You, like me, are balancing on a beam like a gymnast, holding our breath, eyes closed, in prayer--waiting, waiting, for our children to decide to keep themselves safe. Who in the world could live like this? And yet we do. For years, and years, we do it. Can you imagine what this is doing to your health, let alone mental health? And you, with a 12 year old?
Nobody could or should live like this. And we do.
I will say two more things, personal things. They may or they may not apply to you.
First. After my mother died 3 years ago most everybody here knows that I became profoundly depressed and stayed in bed. I have a profession. Actually I am a psychologist. There is no way I could or would work, although I am very, very good at what I do and it gives me a great deal of meaning and self-esteem. What I did was buy stuff. For two years that is how I coped. (During these years my son was largely homeless and it is when many of the difficult events I have described above, occurred.)
I could not work or do anything purposeful in my life so I imagined lives and I bought the "props" that I would need to do those things: Fishing poles, bait, looms, yarn--black yard waste bags full of all types, embroidery thread, hoops, spinning wheels, sleeping bags, tents, porta potty, thermometer for, what is it called, when you put your rotten vegetables--oh yes--compost. Oil, water color and acrylic paint, pastels, fountain pens, easels. Yes. Maybe 5 or 6. And dancing shoes: to tango, salsa, for Jazz and ballet. Then I bought clothes, scarves, jewelry. The problem? I virtually never left the house. Every single thing was imaginary.
Thing two, I want to say: I did go back to work and I did beautifully, except it was virtually all I could do. I worked 3 months, and stopped.
I am on the cusp of establishing a private practice.
And tonight? I am thinking I may be making a mistake. I was reading the Medicaid rules about everything. And thinking about the burden of it all. And I wondered to myself, why?
So how does this relate to you?
However crazy I seemed to myself and to everybody else as I was buying all of that junk, I was doing something profound. (And it is hard to say that because I have a great deal of shame and regret about it--I went through a whole lot of money, that I really do need.)
Perhaps until I realized that doing for myself and putting myself in the center of my world was the essential and necessary thing--I needed to keep buying junk. I was a very, very slow learner.
Our kids are just that. Our kids. We are here
for ourselves. I will not become religious here, but the bible tells us this. In Genesis. I will try to look for the passage. We serve G-d by becoming our true selves. And our sons will find their own godliness in the same way. I know to those secular types who "know" me must think I have gone off the reservation, but I believe truly that everything that is good is served by your own self-care and by finding something, many things that fuel you and give you joy and contentment and meaning.
Our sons will live and die. That is the truth. (You know my child is ill, with a mortal illness. I know from which I speak.)
Of course we want them to thrive and to be fine and content and happy and productive.
We cannot hinge on their doing so. Only they can and must. We must thrive and be who we need to be, and that is joyful and free.
Forgive me. I do not mean to either lecture or minimize here. G-d knows I do not. I am trying to find myself, and the direction in which I need to go. Your posts are helping me find my own way. I hope some part of this helps.
