Co-ed Sleepover

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Crayola13, Jan 6, 2019.

  1. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    On New Year's Eve my son went to a slumber party. There were ten guys and about nine-ten girls, all middle school age. It was supervised, of course. This isn't extremely uncommon nowadays. My parents think it was disgraceful that I allowed my son to go. What do you all think?
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If you talked to the parents and learned what type of supervision involved and was comfortable with that...then you made an informed decision.

    But, (there's always a but..,) where will you draw the line next time? I know that some youth groups have all night activities, but they usually have adults that actually stay awake and chaperone. Not just disappear to another room...

    Personally, I would be uncomfortable with it, based on my DDs behaviors at that age. Maybe if they would have been more responsible, and had a better friend group, and those friends had responsible parents...

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  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    A party is usually not as well supervised as a youth group. Someone is awake all nigjt at youth groups and the kids are in one room. I think that is safer, although I dont think what you did was horrific.

    For me, maybe if the kids had a parent sleeping in the room I may have said yes....but to a much smaller group. Thats a lot of teens with raging hormones! And pot is common in that age group too.

    I allowed a little coed sleepovers this way:

    My youngest used to crash at one boy's house often but we knew the family well and my daughter was always and still is extremely trustworthy. Plus she was with only maybe four kids and we were friendly with the parents and were aware of what the parents would allow.

    Although I dont think its morally "bad" to have sent your son, I think every party a middle school kid attends should require an informative phone call with the parents, knowing the kids who will be there and the sleeping arrangements, and knowing if your kid is vulnerable to peer pressure. Because there likely will be peer presdure in that age group.

    Jumper, my youngest, was the only one ever in this situation.

    I would be more careful next time if you didnt know everyone well but I wouldnt feel ashamed for letting your son go. But maybe get more informed on the parents and if the group is nice kids next time. No biggie. But in my opinion still a possible way for middle school kids to do things you dont want your son to do.

    And I would say no to any party with more than eight to ten nice kids and two fully grown adults checking with regularity.

    Who on earth can keep an eye on twenty nine kids?????? They are insane to try!! :) The amount of kids alone has me scratching my head!!! Yeesh!
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    Last edited: Jan 6, 2019
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    This came up when my older kids were that age.

    I decided that I wasn’t comfortable with co-ed sleepovers and picked my kids up at an agreed-upon time. It was never a problem, and my kids were relieved that they didn’t have to try to stay awake all night or run around in front of the opposite gender in their pjs.

    Adults succumb to peer pressure as well, and sometimes allow things they wouldn’t otherwise do.

    If you are fine with this (and many people are) just tell your parents that it is you decision and you don’t care to discuss it.
  5. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    The party is over. Don't beat yourself up over it now. Do you have a reason to think something happened that shouldn't have?
    Next time (there will be one) you may want to ask more questions and maybe pick your son up at a designated time to come home to sleep.
  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't suspect anything bad happened. It's just that my parents think it was a disgrace. They also think it's inappropriate that I drop off my son to meet girls at the movies. He's fourteen. I had my first date at fifteen. My son is trustworthy and behaves well. He's a little too sociable and talkative, which has always gotten him in trouble at school.

    I'm not going to be unreasonably overprotective and strict like my parents were, as long as my son stays out of trouble and keeps his grades up.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Jeez. I dropped my kids off at the roller rink at 11. I went on my first one on one date at 14 at a time when 16 was more common.

    Its really about the kid. I always tried to teach my kids to be independent. That didnt mean we had no rules....we did....but i did a slowly grow up thing. One of my kids got into drugs but she got clean by 20. There are no guarantees.

    I think it is far more harmful to be a helicopter parent.
  8. One Hurt Mama

    One Hurt Mama New Member

    I think it's fine to drop your son off at the movies to meet a girl, but I am OLD SCHOOL about co-ed sleepovers. In my opinion, it is just inviting bad behavior! I do not for one minute believe the parents were AWAKE and in the same room keeping a close eye on them all night. Good kids or bad, they are all teenagers with raging hormones, and I think it is NUTS to allow this. As I said, just my opinion!!
  9. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Honestly. You're his parent, they aren't. it sounds like they still want to parent and protocol what you do, extending into how you parent.
    I'm not a big fan of co-ed sleepovers, problems being given an opportunity to happen. But I wouldn't berate you for it. Your circus, your monkey :)
    Dropping him off to meet friends, girl at movies, what is wrong with that? I would have offered to pick the girl up. Heck you drop them at movies, her parents bring them home. We did stuff like that.
    I wasn't allowed to go out with a boy on a date til I was 16..OMG that was 1977, a billion years ago. Maybe it would be nice to be back to those old rules..a bit unrealistic. Lot of good it did..I had boyfriends from jr high onward. I would rather my kids be upfront with me with where they want to go and who they want to meet. they will find a way to do it anyway.
    Enjoy his age, and hopefully he will share with you and your get to meet who he is hanging with.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Your son is NOT their son. They don't get to dictate the rules he follows.

    Coed parties are actually fairly routine in many circles. You trust your son, but you still verified what was going to happen with the host's parents. You cannot run your son's life by other people's rules.

    As for going to see a movie with girls, why would that ever be a problem with trustworthy kids? Your son h as EARNED your trust and has absolutely NOT earned their suspicion. If they get too pushy, tell them that they don't have a say in the matter and you will happily put some distance into your relationship if they keep up the nonsense.

    I may seem a bit harsh, but sometimes you have to set a boundary and enforce it. It sounds like your parents don't understand the boundaries, so maybe you need to let them know that enough is enough. If they are saying this to you, what are they saying to him? It really HURTS to be distrusted that way when you have done all you can to earn trust. I was the "good kid" and my brother was always the one making poor decisions.

    Kids who have earned trust and are openly distrusted can be pushed to the point where they live down to your expectations. You REALLY don't want that. Treat your son the way that feels right to YOU and ignore the outside interference and noise. Chances are he will continue to live up to that trust. Don't make him live down to a lack of trust.