Coming along....

[JayPee]

I cannot believe that I am making progress with my boundaries with AS (30 yrs. old). It has not been easy because he still sends out an e-mail to me (almost daily) telling me what a miserable horrible parent I am and I never should have had kids etc. (that's the nice version).

I had been gassing he vehicle every four days (in the summer/winter ev. 2 days), meeting up to get cloths to wash, bringing him soap, water snacks. Since our blow up when I was on vacation almost two weeks ago, I have not gassed his vehicle or run to get his dirty cloths. Every e-mail he sends says "out of gas". I mentioned previously, he started a job at a coffee place last week but first paycheck isn't until the 30th. He did take out a loan I think of about $400 against the title of his car (that I'm still paying for on another loan I rolled over). Sounds like all that money is gone.

He has sent e-mails to me of how that's coming due on the 7th etc. I've remained firm and just said, I'm sorry this is happening to you and you will likely lose the vehicle but you'll have to figure it out. I've said this over and over and over again.

I'm not fighting back, trying to "teach" him how to fix his problems (Lord, knows I have million ideas, as usual and want to fly in with my red cape flapping in the wind) but I'm biting my tongue and allowing him to face the consequences of his own choices.

I have "moments" that I get stuck on dwelling about his hunger, discomfort, sadness etc. but I try not to "stay" there too long. I sometimes can't even believe that this is "me" making progress. I always thought it was for other people. I am very faith filled but honestly, until I really turned this over to God, who is ultimately the one in charge and stopped "taking it back" nothing was going to change.

In the meantime, 26 yr. old AS is spiraling out of control drinking. With his father's imminent death, due to chronic alcoholism (so, so very sad) he is drinking more and more and probably smoking MJ to cover up his already PTSD and ADHD issues. He's not contacting me at this time but I'm hearing this thru his aunt.

Feeling hurt about that but I have tried so hard to change both of them. I'm now trying to step aside and stay out of the way.

 

[BusynMember1]

Why do you want him to contact you????

Good for you on your progress with older son. You haven't catered to him and he is still alive. Good for you. Keep depending on God!!

 

[JayPee]

Why do you want him to contact you????

Good for you on your progress with older son. You haven't catered to him and he is still alive. Good for you. Keep depending on God!!

Hmmmm..that's a good question! Probably part of my control problems. If I hear from him, I "think" I've got a handle on things?

I will think on that one a little more.

 

[Beta]

JayPee, I applaud you for what you've done with your older son. I know very well that feeling of wanting to swoop in and rescue and protect. I also know those moments when you imagine and dwell on what they might be feeling, in a sense, "feeling" their feelings for them. This always takes me to a dark place, and so I'm trying to gradually wean myself away from doing that. At times, I have to work hard to pull my thoughts elsewhere.
We put Josh up at a motel two weekends ago. It was expensive because it had to be close to where my sister lives, and she lives in an affluent suburb of Denver. By the middle of the week, he had begun disparaging us again, and yesterday I received numerous texts from him, telling us how much he despises us, how other people despise us, how we've let him down his entire life, and on and on.
Today I'm feeling angry with myself for spending money on someone who can say those things. My husband said last night, "It's time to get off the "Josh Train." He's right. So I think you are doing what needs to be done both for yourself and your son.

 

[JayPee]

Beta,
I've done those things too. I've paid security deposits, rent, utility bills, food bills, gas, bought two used vehicles for each homeless son. Put them up in hotels when we were expecting blizzards here in the Northeast etc.

It is not easy getting off the "train". I think I'll be like an addict to some degree all my life. My addiction is fixing/controlling/rescuing my sons. I could be wrong but I think that I'll have to be mindful and work on this my whole life.

The thing that is helping is really getting into my own self and trying to figure out where my fear, obligation and guilt stem from (apart from the obvious, that I'm their parent).

There is something deeper and I'm working on discovering that and want to release that as well to God. I think there's some unforgiveness and unworthiness I have towards myself even from when I was a young child. I came from the most loving, wonderful family. I had eight brothers and sisters and wonderful parents who brought me up with good morals and faith. I never wanted to look deeper at any issues because I didn't want to disrespect the memory of such good parents. But if I want to heal, which I do. I have to look deeper and not be afraid to uncover some things about myself that I've buried. And then ask God to help me release my new discoveries. There are some already I've unearthed.

I'm really searching to understand myself insofar as why would I tolerate so much verbal abuse and for the most part become numb to it.

I'm a work in progress that's for sure.

 

[Copabanana]

I think there's some unforgiveness and unworthiness I have towards myself even from when I was a young child.

But if I want to heal, which I do. I have to look deeper and not be afraid to uncover some things about myself that I've buried.

You know, JP, I have thought that life sometimes can be hardest for those who come from a loving background, because they are unprepared for real life. Having protective and nurturing and strong parents, can be a set up too. Because what do you do when you encounter the opposite of that? You are unprepared and without defenses. It's like you step into a trap.

The human default is to hold oneself accountable, for most of us. Of course any life has it's vulnerabilities, it's hidden soft spots. But it sounds like in your marriage you got caught up with somebody who victimized you, you were unprepared and felt defenseless. Over time you became traumatized and paralyzed. A deer in headlights.

When I read this post, I hear such loving generosity of spirit. I hope you extend this great and gentleness to yourself, along with your family.

 

[RN0441]

Congratulatoins JayPee on your progress and recognizing it. I was shocked when I made progress also!! Very!!

We are all broken in one way or another.

I think we accept this behavior and/or abuse because we are dealing with something foreign to us and we just aren't sure. We think "is it me"?

When I found this site it made me see things more clearly. At first I thought I was different and my son was different than everyone here and then I realized no, we are the same.

Our situations are different but the bottom line is that we desperately love our children and want what's best for them.

But they have to want it for themselves or it does not work.

 

[Beta]

I think I have the same "addiction" for rescuing and fixing, and like you, I suspect God has something He wants to do in me to heal from that need and to let Him truly be God in other people's lives. One thing I've realized is that not rescuing really tests my faith in Him, especially in the area of goodness and faithfulness. I am the adult child of an alcoholic and the oldest in my family, so I practiced rescuing/fixing for most of my life and trust is a huge issue for me. For me right now, the depression I'm feeling is also a motivator. Tired of living in fear, guilt, and defeat.

 

[RN0441]

Beta
Did you ever read anything by Max Lucado? I'm reading a book of his now and WOW. Deep but an easy read.

 

[DaisyC1234]

My parents have an addiction to rescuing and fixing. They've done with my brother for years. He's almost 40 now. They know it, but still continue to support him and be that net, but it's their choice and now they are trying to save/fix/rescue my daughter.

 

[JayPee]

I feel like I didn't even realize I had those issues until I walked through the doors of Al anon a few years ago and then this forum reinforced my knowledge. I'd like to look at is as "good news". Once we finally know we have a problem we can hopefully find the right tools and support to get better. It's all in how "we work it".

For myself, living with a severe alcoholic and all the drama that goes with that along with two sons who gave us all their issues taking care of "things" began as a necessity to survival. I put out fires, tried to get kids out of legal trouble etc. It snowballs and before you know it you've built yourself an avalanche just ready to cave in on you...and it will mostly definitely will. Then we go ahead and beat ourselves up for being the fixers and rescuers.

I'm trying to be more compassionate with myself now.

 

[DaisyC1234]

I've heard my mom say that they were the enablers and they say they aren't going to do XYZ and they still do it. They helped him with his legal troubles, by posting bond and using their travel trailer as collateral, well they came darn close to losing it. They loaned him their truck that they were still making payments on, trashed then it got stolen then had the audacity to ask for the money that the insurance was going to give them. They rented a car and gave him their other car.... It just never ends. I think him and his girlfriend are currently living in the car, which is the one they were going to loan to my daughter, but I said good luck on getting that car back from him.

My parents live on a fixed income. He's told my mom things a mom should never be told and there they go. All these years of this and I'm the good one and never got the attention that I should have. I am considering going to an Al anon meeting. I have been seeing a therapist for the past couple of years now and it helps a lot, just to deal with this stress.

 

[WiseChoices]

JayPee, I applaud you for what you've done with your older son. I know very well that feeling of wanting to swoop in and rescue and protect. I also know those moments when you imagine and dwell on what they might be feeling, in a sense, "feeling" their feelings for them. This always takes me to a dark place, and so I'm trying to gradually wean myself away from doing that. At times, I have to work hard to pull my thoughts elsewhere.
We put Josh up at a motel two weekends ago. It was expensive because it had to be close to where my sister lives, and she lives in an affluent suburb of Denver. By the middle of the week, he had begun disparaging us again, and yesterday I received numerous texts from him, telling us how much he despises us, how other people despise us, how we've let him down his entire life, and on and on.
Today I'm feeling angry with myself for spending money on someone who can say those things. My husband said last night, "It's time to get off the "Josh Train." He's right. So I think you are doing what needs to be done both for yourself and your son.

I used to hear that kind of crap out of my son until I learned that it was all about power, and I quit playing. When he said he wanted nothing to do with me anymore, I looked at him and I said "I accept that*. Discussion was over. Since then I no longer explain or defend myself . I have told him his childhood the way he remembers it is his. Nobody gets to butt in there and change his mind. And I no longer accept any blame, or name calling, or being defined. I will state that I don't accept it, and walk away. But first, I adjust my crown !

 

[JayPee]

I used to hear that kind of crap out of my son until I learned that it was all about power, and I quit playing. When he said he wanted nothing to do with me anymore, I looked at him and I said "I accept that*. Discussion was over. Since then I no longer explain or defend myself . I have told him his childhood the way he remembers it is his. Nobody gets to butt in there and change his mind. And I no longer accept any blame, or name calling, or being defined. I will state that I don't accept it, and walk away. But first, I adjust my crown !

Wise

I’m glad you brought up how they remember their childhood and somehow in their minds have made up their own reality. I’ve had moments of insanity trying to delve into the deep recesses of my mind and to reach into the crevices of my brain to try to recall any semblance of a memory that they seem to be accusing me or my ex of.

I can’t figure this out for the life of me. Why is it do you think they conjure up these false realities and accusations?

 

[Chasejazz]

Wise

I’m glad you brought up how they remember their childhood and somehow in their minds have made up their own reality. I’ve had moments of insanity trying to delve into the deep recesses of my mind and to reach into the crevices of my brain to try to recall any semblance of a memory that they seem to be accusing me or my ex of.

I can’t figure this out for the life of me. Why is it do you think they conjure up these false realities and accusations?

In my opinion, it's their way of being devoid of any responsibility for their actions.

 

[Beta]

RN0441, What book by Max Lucado are you reading? I've read one or two of his books in the past (In the Grip of Grace?)

 

[Beta]

Our son "remembers" childhood with the most crazy things. He told me yesterday, "How are you almost 60 years old and moving like to your 15th residence since I've been alive, but you act like your not the trash that you are." We have moved, but nothing like 15 times. One day he told me that he "remembers" the time I was screaming and yelling my head off. Never happened.
I have racked my brain trying to figure out where these types of things come from that never happened, but I'm at a loss. I don't know if he really believes this stuff or what.

 

[Copabanana]

We have moved, but nothing like 15 times.

The fifteen moves was me.

What's that got to do with anything?

 

[JayPee]

Our son "remembers" childhood with the most crazy things. He told me yesterday, "How are you almost 60 years old and moving like to your 15th residence since I've been alive, but you act like your not the trash that you are." We have moved, but nothing like 15 times. One day he told me that he "remembers" the time I was screaming and yelling my head off. Never happened.
I have racked my brain trying to figure out where these types of things come from that never happened, but I'm at a loss. I don't know if he really believes this stuff or what.

Oh my, I absolutely relate to this. The other thing the younger son will tell me is because I'm "old" (56!) I don't remember things.

 

[BusynMember1]

They all seem to have their own realities. I think that Kay invents things to make me feel crazy. Or maybe to guilt me. It used to work. I knew she was wrong, but I would think that her childhood must have been horrible for her to think of it that way. I blamed working long hours at the business on that, even though she and the other kids came with us after school and had fun there. At least they all seemed to.

I can't and won't listen to lies anymore. I am still smarting from Kay's FB nonsense and her friend calling. I can't do this craziness anymore. It is soul killing if you take it too seriously.