COMPLETELY DEFIANT....
- Thread starter neednewtechnique
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neednewtechnique
New Member
Well, the therapist seen our difficult child last night, and she believes that a lot of the defiance is coming out because of the situation with bio mom changing again, and difficult child's fear that she will only have a short time to visit with mom before she gets into trouble again. So, the therapist has her writing letters to mom explaining how she feels about her situation and has asked her to write in the letters the specific ways her mother's problems have caused her to suffer and some of the things that have resulted from that. At first, I kinda blew it off because I didn't think she would do it, as she has always PURPOSELY AVOIDED doing anything "therapy-related" involving her bio mom. But with all this new behavior coming to the surface, it just so happened that she is ready now, and the first letter she wrote was AMAZING. The therapist told her that these don't have to be letters that she will mail, but just getting it out of her system and down on paper will be a huge step, but difficult child insisted that she wants to mail these letters as she feels these are things that mom needs to hear. She talks in the letter about how she feels like mom chose her drugs over her, and how she doesn't even get excited anymore when mom gets out of jail or prison, because she is too busy trying to figure out how much time she will have before she gets sent back in, and some other things that she felt important to say. I guess there is a whole series of letters to write, each with a different point, but difficult child wants to mail them all, and the therapist even asked our difficult child if she could make copies of these letters to use in her "substance abuse group" so she is really blown away.
As for the suicide "story" or whatever we can call it, after the therapist met with her yesterday, she met with my husband and I, and explained to us that after evaluating difficult child for the risks, she doesn't feel that she is truly suicidal, she thinks that she is "way to pleased with herself to kill herself" (which sounds harsh, but trust me, it's the COLD HARD TRUTH) and also, our difficult child apparently has a whole notebook of things like this that she carries in her bookbag that she offered to SHOW her counselor, and after reviewing the material inside the notebook, she said that she feels like our difficult child is "romanticizing" suicide as a "creative writing exercise". She told me that although it may seem dark and very gruesome to the normal reader, the BIG thing that she noticed is that even if she writes about suicide in detail, in every single one of her writings, after she writes about the suicide, there is stuff written about the things that have happened to her in her life, and she thinks that this is actually THERAPUTIC for her. So, in some sort of twisted way, after meeting with the therapist yesterday, we have all discovered that, rather than taking steps BACKWARDS, our difficult child has actually made a HUGE BREAKTHROUGH and now that she is starting to work on these issues, is actually beginning the healing process, which is also another reason for the "defiant behavior". Which the therapist feels will get better over time.
So anyway, that's an update on that.....what do you all think???
As for the suicide "story" or whatever we can call it, after the therapist met with her yesterday, she met with my husband and I, and explained to us that after evaluating difficult child for the risks, she doesn't feel that she is truly suicidal, she thinks that she is "way to pleased with herself to kill herself" (which sounds harsh, but trust me, it's the COLD HARD TRUTH) and also, our difficult child apparently has a whole notebook of things like this that she carries in her bookbag that she offered to SHOW her counselor, and after reviewing the material inside the notebook, she said that she feels like our difficult child is "romanticizing" suicide as a "creative writing exercise". She told me that although it may seem dark and very gruesome to the normal reader, the BIG thing that she noticed is that even if she writes about suicide in detail, in every single one of her writings, after she writes about the suicide, there is stuff written about the things that have happened to her in her life, and she thinks that this is actually THERAPUTIC for her. So, in some sort of twisted way, after meeting with the therapist yesterday, we have all discovered that, rather than taking steps BACKWARDS, our difficult child has actually made a HUGE BREAKTHROUGH and now that she is starting to work on these issues, is actually beginning the healing process, which is also another reason for the "defiant behavior". Which the therapist feels will get better over time.
So anyway, that's an update on that.....what do you all think???
neednewtechnique
New Member
Also, something else that I should throw in there, ther IS discussion now that she has started making some progress, that maybe an in-patient treatment program (short term, 3-6 weeks) may help move things along for her and give her a stronger foundation to work off of. Decisions regarding this have not been made yet, but are on the list of possibilities for her.
Marguerite
Active Member
That therapist makes sense to me. I'm also wondering if, further down the track, she hasn't maybe got some talent as a writer? If she's using her imagination and creativity to find her own way towards recovery and strength, this is good. It is also a brilliant foundation for a writing career. And in my opinion, she's not too young. I wouldn't tell her yet, though - she needs to get a better handle on herself and a better self-understanding, but maybe in a few years' time, when the need to write for therapy eases, she might like to try her hand at writing stories for children on how to cope with the darker side of childhood? Who knows? From what I've read of recent literature for children, and also read about upcoming young authors, it's not outside the realms of possibility.
If she expresses ANY interest in purely creative writing (aside from her 'book') then I would especially encourage her to not just write stuff down, but to go back and polish it, maybe with the help of a writing mentor. Learning to edit is the most valuable part of learning to write. It's also something our kids are generally not taught to do.
But she shouldn't edit her own journal. THAT needs to be allowed to flow, as it is doing. Only edit pure fiction that she has worked on as pure fiction. It doesn't matter if it resembles her therapeutic stuff, that's OK. But she needs to see it as apart.
Also, at 13, the defiance is typical teen as well. Add in everything else she has been dealing with and I suspect her teen years will be turbulent for you. You may have to change tack a bit.
But all in all, this sounds like good news. About time!
Marg
If she expresses ANY interest in purely creative writing (aside from her 'book') then I would especially encourage her to not just write stuff down, but to go back and polish it, maybe with the help of a writing mentor. Learning to edit is the most valuable part of learning to write. It's also something our kids are generally not taught to do.
But she shouldn't edit her own journal. THAT needs to be allowed to flow, as it is doing. Only edit pure fiction that she has worked on as pure fiction. It doesn't matter if it resembles her therapeutic stuff, that's OK. But she needs to see it as apart.
Also, at 13, the defiance is typical teen as well. Add in everything else she has been dealing with and I suspect her teen years will be turbulent for you. You may have to change tack a bit.
But all in all, this sounds like good news. About time!
Marg
DFrances
Banned
You need immediate outsize intervention and assistance.
This child is in deep emotional pain which they are way too young to handle and they are screaming for help in every which way.
Suicides among young people continue to be a serious problem.
Each year in the U.S., thousands of teenagers commit suicide.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15-to-24-year-olds, and the sixth leading cause of death for 5-to-14-year-olds.
Teenagers experience strong feelings of stress, confusion, self-doubt, pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, and other fears while growing up. For some teenagers, divorce, the formation of a new family with step-parents and step-siblings, or moving to a new community can be very unsettling and can intensify self-doubts. For some teens, suicide may appear to be a solution to their problems and stress. Depression and suicidal feelings are treatable mental disorders. The child needs to have their illness recognized and diagnosed, and appropriate treatment plans developed. When parents are in doubt whether their child has a serious problem, a psychiatric examination can be very helpful. Many of the symptoms of suicidal feelings are similar to those of depression. Parents need to be aware of the following signs of adolescents who may try to kill themselves:
* change in eating and sleeping habits
* withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities
* violent actions, rebellious behavior, or running away
* drug and alcohol use
* unusual neglect of personal appearance
* marked personality change
* persistent boredom, difficulty concentrating, or a decline in the quality of schoolwork
* frequent complaints about physical symptoms, often related to emotions, such as stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, etc.
* loss of interest in pleasurable activities
* not tolerating praise or rewards
A teenager who is planning to commit suicide may also:
* complain of being a bad person or feeling rotten inside
* give verbal hints with statements such as: I won't be a problem for you much longer, Nothing matters, It's no use, and I won't see you again
* put his or her affairs in order, for example, give away favorite possessions, clean his or her room, throw away important belongings, etc.
* become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression
* have signs of psychosis (hallucinations or bizarre thoughts)
When a child says, I want to kill myself, or I'm going to commit suicide, always take the statement seriously and immediately seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional.
People often feel uncomfortable talking about death.
However, asking the child whether they are depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Rather than putting thoughts in the child's head, such a question will provide assurance that somebody cares and will give the young person the chance to talk about problems. When one or more of these signs occurs, parents need to talk to their child about their concerns and seek professional help when the concerns persist. With support from family and professional treatment, children who are suicidal can heal and return to a more healthy path of development. Don't wait!
This child is in deep emotional pain which they are way too young to handle and they are screaming for help in every which way.
Suicides among young people continue to be a serious problem.
Each year in the U.S., thousands of teenagers commit suicide.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15-to-24-year-olds, and the sixth leading cause of death for 5-to-14-year-olds.
Teenagers experience strong feelings of stress, confusion, self-doubt, pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, and other fears while growing up. For some teenagers, divorce, the formation of a new family with step-parents and step-siblings, or moving to a new community can be very unsettling and can intensify self-doubts. For some teens, suicide may appear to be a solution to their problems and stress. Depression and suicidal feelings are treatable mental disorders. The child needs to have their illness recognized and diagnosed, and appropriate treatment plans developed. When parents are in doubt whether their child has a serious problem, a psychiatric examination can be very helpful. Many of the symptoms of suicidal feelings are similar to those of depression. Parents need to be aware of the following signs of adolescents who may try to kill themselves:
* change in eating and sleeping habits
* withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities
* violent actions, rebellious behavior, or running away
* drug and alcohol use
* unusual neglect of personal appearance
* marked personality change
* persistent boredom, difficulty concentrating, or a decline in the quality of schoolwork
* frequent complaints about physical symptoms, often related to emotions, such as stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, etc.
* loss of interest in pleasurable activities
* not tolerating praise or rewards
A teenager who is planning to commit suicide may also:
* complain of being a bad person or feeling rotten inside
* give verbal hints with statements such as: I won't be a problem for you much longer, Nothing matters, It's no use, and I won't see you again
* put his or her affairs in order, for example, give away favorite possessions, clean his or her room, throw away important belongings, etc.
* become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression
* have signs of psychosis (hallucinations or bizarre thoughts)
When a child says, I want to kill myself, or I'm going to commit suicide, always take the statement seriously and immediately seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional.
People often feel uncomfortable talking about death.
However, asking the child whether they are depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Rather than putting thoughts in the child's head, such a question will provide assurance that somebody cares and will give the young person the chance to talk about problems. When one or more of these signs occurs, parents need to talk to their child about their concerns and seek professional help when the concerns persist. With support from family and professional treatment, children who are suicidal can heal and return to a more healthy path of development. Don't wait!
Marguerite
Active Member
Dore - you're right about raising the subject of suicide if you're concerned. Too often we think, "Oh dear, I don't dare mention suicide in case I put ideas into her head." But if you're already getting a sense that the person is feeling that desperate (or even close to it) then the person themselves has already gone there, mentally.
Suicidal feelings are often much worse when the person also feels emotionally isolated - "can't talk to anyone, nobody would understand." But raising the topic actually opens the doors again to communicate, which can be so very valuable, especially if the person is shutting down communication and feeling that nobody wants to understand. Suddenly, there is someone who has asked a very important question and now is clearly interested in listening.
Marg
Suicidal feelings are often much worse when the person also feels emotionally isolated - "can't talk to anyone, nobody would understand." But raising the topic actually opens the doors again to communicate, which can be so very valuable, especially if the person is shutting down communication and feeling that nobody wants to understand. Suddenly, there is someone who has asked a very important question and now is clearly interested in listening.
Marg
Is she a big attention seeker? NOT that I think ANY suicide indicators should ever be swept under the rug as attention seeking...I dont mean that part...I am wondering if this whole defiance thing is a bad girl image she is trying to produce for peer attention...? Of course there is the whole "negative attention" stuff. And my expeirence is that the more you take away and ground, the more they will wait you out becaues they are in it for control. I was amazed how unmotivated my oldest was....I would end up in personal battles of the wills with her and she enjoyed it and I was looking like the crazy one!!! Does she still turn back into a sweet girl at times? And seek out your comapany? Hmmm...wonder about those friends at school....is this a new change in friends?
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Wow. Very cool about actually mailing the letters to her bio mom. That will really make her bio mom accountable. Way To Go, difficult child!
I can see both sides of the suicide issue ... can't really help you there, except to say that she definitely has writing talent.
Sounds like a very, very good counseling session! I'd stick with-this therapist.
I can see both sides of the suicide issue ... can't really help you there, except to say that she definitely has writing talent.
Sounds like a very, very good counseling session! I'd stick with-this therapist.
