Dear Circlebread:
Welcome. I have a 30 year old adopted son with issues. For about 11 years things have been difficult. If I could go back and change my own response I would. I would have worked more and made my choices based upon preserving the relationship, as opposed to specific results that I felt were important at the time.
That said, when the relationship with our child becomes abusive, that's another thing entirely. We need to protect ourselves and others from harm, whether that's direct violence, emotional, financial, whatever. You can't directly maintain a relationship that is harmful. That's when you love from a distance.
You should NOT live under siege. This means that boundaries need to be identified and created and maintained. This is YOUR issue, not hers.
If you and your daughter are still able to talk openly and freely, I would treasure that and I would try to keep her sufficiently in her own sphere so that you can maintain love and communication in a way that it is safe and healthy. If you are able to talk to her, that is a huge bonus. She may not live as you want, but the fact that you can turn to each other is a huge deal.
What I am trying to say here is to have the space between you be not about results, but about feeling and sharing and communicating. Of course if she is yelling or screaming or stealing or hitting, that is not possible. But again, let me state, if that is happening that is your issue, not hers. We cannot tolerate abuse of any sort and the burden is on us to learn how to stop taking it.
So. If I could do it over again the only result I would seek would be to be with my son in a safe way, to love him. Just that. From that space can come a whole lot more. People need to feel loved in order to love themselves. Self-love does not come from a solitary state. But again, my refrain: No abuse. No drama.
Finally. I believe your daughter could be helped by a 12 step group. I do not know about her history but it sounds like there are early wounds. This is extremely common in adopted children. Unlike other people who post here I do not believe that these early wounds are unsurmountable. I have them too. So do many, many people.
So. First I would try very hard to be with your daughter in a loving relationship, even if at first, the only way you can do it is in your mind. That's a big, huge deal. And if you can't do that, identify and enforce boundaries in relationship to her that are sufficient to protect you and maintain them. And then when you can do that, you will be able to reach a point where you can evaluate whether or not you can be with her, and how.
Any 12 step group could help you or your daughter. The helpfulness of a loving community of suffering people, cannot be overstated. Not only Al Anon, but the other groups such as AA can be hugely helpful in acceptance and empowerment and setting and maintaining boundaries and a thousand other things. Most groups do not insist that people have a drinking problem. I don't and I go. We weren't meant to do this alone.
I'm answering questions that you did not ask. I'm sorry. Sometimes what you learn is not what you think you need to or should. I found myself telling somebody the other day, I did everything right. I may have done the wrong thing, but I did it right.
I am thinking the same thing here. If I had it all to do over again, I would have acted more from love than from goals. Except for the most important goal: be safe from harm. Especially emotional harm. And note to self: don't create harm for others, either, by my reactions. And I'm responsible to make my boundaries firm enough to avoid reacting in a way that is toxic.
Take care.
