Criminal acts

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by runawaybunny, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Posted on behalf of new member @Circlebread

    My daughter, 23 years old, has significant judgment impairment and has.committed 2 felonies in 3 years. She has a job.

    I have felt under seige for last 3 years.

    Instead of arrest, I told her to move out. The police had a very long talk with her before she left.

    Anybody have any similar type experiences?

    She has severe ADD, bipolar illness and chronic attachment disorder.

    She does take her medications.
     
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Some positives: she takes her medications, has a job, the police spoke with her and you asked her to move out.

    If she commits a crime against you, I would call the police. I’m taking a guess here, but you’ve probably let some things slide. Almost all parents do at first. But at 23...no more.

    You might offer to pay for her to go to counseling if she is truly interested, really would go regularly , you can afford it and you pay directly. Kind of unlikely that this is in the cards though.

    I would limit your interaction with her. And if she is impolite to you...limit it further. If it’s really bad...greatly, big time limit it. If you haven’t done so already, learn to set boundaries.

    Enjoy your life as best as you can. See a therapist if you aren’t already and find yourself overly stressed. Go at least for a few appointments. This stuff is not easy.
     
  3. Circlebread

    Circlebread New Member

     
  4. Circlebread

    Circlebread New Member

    Thanks for your.reply.
    She has cognitive deficits and cognitive behavioral therapy did not work.. They don't have dialectal therapy here. That would have helped.
    Yes, She had another episode previous to the recent one, of.stealing 180. Right after.HS. I figured if she got a job, check fraud would not happen.
    She has.lied and stolen things for 16 years. I adopted her.
     
  5. Circlebread

    Circlebread New Member

     
  6. Circlebread

    Circlebread New Member

    Thank you. It is nice to have.opportunity to write this stuff.
     
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Circlebread:

    Welcome. I have a 30 year old adopted son with issues. For about 11 years things have been difficult. If I could go back and change my own response I would. I would have worked more and made my choices based upon preserving the relationship, as opposed to specific results that I felt were important at the time.

    That said, when the relationship with our child becomes abusive, that's another thing entirely. We need to protect ourselves and others from harm, whether that's direct violence, emotional, financial, whatever. You can't directly maintain a relationship that is harmful. That's when you love from a distance.

    You should NOT live under siege. This means that boundaries need to be identified and created and maintained. This is YOUR issue, not hers.

    If you and your daughter are still able to talk openly and freely, I would treasure that and I would try to keep her sufficiently in her own sphere so that you can maintain love and communication in a way that it is safe and healthy. If you are able to talk to her, that is a huge bonus. She may not live as you want, but the fact that you can turn to each other is a huge deal.

    What I am trying to say here is to have the space between you be not about results, but about feeling and sharing and communicating. Of course if she is yelling or screaming or stealing or hitting, that is not possible. But again, let me state, if that is happening that is your issue, not hers. We cannot tolerate abuse of any sort and the burden is on us to learn how to stop taking it.

    So. If I could do it over again the only result I would seek would be to be with my son in a safe way, to love him. Just that. From that space can come a whole lot more. People need to feel loved in order to love themselves. Self-love does not come from a solitary state. But again, my refrain: No abuse. No drama.

    Finally. I believe your daughter could be helped by a 12 step group. I do not know about her history but it sounds like there are early wounds. This is extremely common in adopted children. Unlike other people who post here I do not believe that these early wounds are unsurmountable. I have them too. So do many, many people.

    So. First I would try very hard to be with your daughter in a loving relationship, even if at first, the only way you can do it is in your mind. That's a big, huge deal. And if you can't do that, identify and enforce boundaries in relationship to her that are sufficient to protect you and maintain them. And then when you can do that, you will be able to reach a point where you can evaluate whether or not you can be with her, and how.

    Any 12 step group could help you or your daughter. The helpfulness of a loving community of suffering people, cannot be overstated. Not only Al Anon, but the other groups such as AA can be hugely helpful in acceptance and empowerment and setting and maintaining boundaries and a thousand other things. Most groups do not insist that people have a drinking problem. I don't and I go. We weren't meant to do this alone.

    I'm answering questions that you did not ask. I'm sorry. Sometimes what you learn is not what you think you need to or should. I found myself telling somebody the other day, I did everything right. I may have done the wrong thing, but I did it right.

    I am thinking the same thing here. If I had it all to do over again, I would have acted more from love than from goals. Except for the most important goal: be safe from harm. Especially emotional harm. And note to self: don't create harm for others, either, by my reactions. And I'm responsible to make my boundaries firm enough to avoid reacting in a way that is toxic.

    Take care.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2019
  8. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    ~ Very true, Copa.
     
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This post called out to me. In
    all I adopted five kids and gave birth once. The infant adopted kids are amazing people. They are sewed into my heart just like DNA and we are all close. But....I had.....

    Two kids I adopted as older kids and they were were messes with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). One was dangerous and we had to tell CPS to get him and why and they quickly did so....we dont see either Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child.

    Just remember that she is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) because of what happened to her before you even met her. If she was drug/alcohol exposed in utero I am sure you know this can affect the brain. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is still a mystery and nobody is sure how ro treat it. Do take care of yourself.

    I won't post much anymore but you can private message me if you want to "talk."
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2019
  10. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    I too have an adopted son now 25, he has 2 felonies and numerous misdemeanors. He broke into our house numerous times and finally we had to press charges. He stole from us from when he was about 15 to 19. He has matured some ( still lots of problems) and appears to be more trustworthy . We still will not let him stay in the house alone and l lock up my purse when he comes to visit. It is really hard to forget how violated we felt. We don't bring it up with him anymore as this behavior appears to have changed. He too has ADD and was diagnosed with bipolar. I still am not sure if the bi polar is correct or his behavior is/was related to his drug usage. I think his being adopted played into all of this but he denies it. If you have some questions please feel free to ask and hang in there - you are not alone.