Crushed

[BusynMember]

Copa....i agree with you!!! I am sensitive right now which impacts my feedback. I just gave Bart an ultamatum and I never did that before. I so dont want others to allow it to be where they accept hurtful treatment by their children. i talked to him too, three times a day and kept waiting for him to respect my wishes that he be halfway nice...I was always always there for him.

It didnt happen. I hope it changes next time. I dont think this daughter has any reason to treat her mother as lesser than. I hope it stops. But how she deals with it is totally up to her.

 

[ahhjeez]

I think it's really unfair of your daughter to say what she did. You don't have the option to care for your mom. You've got to work and can't afford to hire a caregiver so I'm not sure what they are expecting you to do. Perhaps your daughter is realizing she may have bit off more than she can chew with the care of her grandmother and is a bit resentful. Your mom's manipulations are troubling as well. I commend you for holding your tongue as I have great difficulty in that department. LOL. My mom has lived with me for 13 years. She's only 67 so she's very capable for the most part. Some health issues are creeping up and she is requiring more care from me. I'm an only child so I've got no siblings to argue her care over with which is probably a good thing. LOL. Had she been older/needing care and I had to work a job outside my home I wouldn't have been able to care for her either. We do the best with what we have. I really feel for you here. I don't think you are in the wrong at all and I'm really sorry that your daughter lashed out at you like that. Maybe a heart to heart if she'll have it? I think she might be feeling overwhelmed and took it out on you. Of course I could be way out in left field with this. I just wanted to chime in with support for you.

 

[ahhjeez]

I just reread what your daughter said to you again. This seems a bit more than lashing out due to being overwhelmed. The "I don't respect you" part is what is particularly bothering me. That's cruel. I think your daughter owes you an apology. Again, I'm really sorry and just wanted to offer my support.

 

[BusynMember]

Honestly if Bart had ever said "I dont respect you" i i would have dripped the gavel long ago. As much as he yells and carries on he doesnt swipe at my value as a person. Thats no excuse for putting up with his screaming at me but...and I missed this when I read it.... Expressing that my child didnt respect me with all we have done for all of them...I dont know. I just dont know. I think she does owe a big apology and to stop sating that...ever... but these types of kids dont honestly apologize. Nice kids do. We do. My nice kids give hugs and we both cry and both apologize and then move on and there isnt much we do argue over. The entitled, victim, angry, snotty, meaner kids feel justified for anything they say or do. This dsughter is 36. Youth no excuse here.

I wonder if this poor poster has left the forum because the responses were hard to read.

 

[Copabanana]

"I don't respect you"

I agree with this (and I also have GOT to stop posting because I have things to do). I am not quite sure why this thread is proving to be so addictive.

But I agree with ahhjeez, that the daughter escalated HORRIBLY with this comment. And is very, very wrong. And I would be crushed. Anybody would be crushed.

But where are we here?

They all sat down as a family to discuss these matters BEFORE the arrangement was effected. There has been a point of communication and trust. And the daughter did accept the responsibility.

Yes. The mother feels a history of being disrespected by this daughter, it sounds on the basis of a change of social class, which THE MOTHER enabled )*the good kind), through her parenting and her support.

So. What do we do now? The daughter is disrespectful and out of line. She sounds like she may be arrogant and self-satisfied and in some ways to have her values out of whack.

The daughter SHOULD apologize. But how do you control that? How do you make somebody decide to accept responsibility and to take the high road?

I do not believe that is within my power to do. I can want it, but I cannot make it happen.

This mother can insist on an apology. (Which she surely deserves.) Do you really think this will happen? She can wait and wait for it. She can demand it. How do you think this will work out?

Or she can basically do this: Recognize her daughter is acting badly. And go from there. She does not have to take on the bad behavior of her daughter. She can rightfully recognize it is not about her. It is about the daughter. It is the daughter's to own (a la the detachment thread.)

The idea of asking the daughter how she is doing, and opening up dialog, as Lil suggested, entails responsibility and risk. A strong person could do this. I could not. But I could do it in my head. I could re-focus my thinking and being in me, and I could go about my business, and put the incident behind me (more or less). As mothers we spend an awful lot of time letting water go under the bridge. I do not think this is a bad thing. Letting it go is to not take it on. To not make it a huge deal that continues into the future.

The business of daughter's changing and owning her bad, is her own. At 35 years old, a mother cannot do much to effect change. This mother has a lot to gain by letting the water go under the bridge, and letting her daughter own her own behavior and sit with it. She does not have to engage. But doing that, taking the high road, does not take away the hurt and wrongness of this daughter, to say those words to a mother.

 

[BusynMember]

This us a VERY addictive thread lol!

I think it hit home to some of us who post a lot (who feel more comfy writing rather than talking about things) and bet to many who dont post too!

 

[ahhjeez]

I hope she hasn't left. I really feel for her. My son would and has apologized when he has overstepped. I agree, you definitely can't force that. I think I'd let the daughter stew on what she's said and take a few steps back. I'd have a really hard time not being furious and saying something I would undoubtedly regret. I'm working on that aspect of myself. For some reason, this thread has infuriated me for the OP. I'm angry on her behalf. I hope her daughter does come around and apologize. She deserves it.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh these can be very tricky waters to navigate. Anytime a family member steps in to take care of another family member, conflict can easily arise.

Your daughter has done a very generous act by taking in your mother. It's a commitment that cannot be taken lightly.

My daughter has scheduled and taken my mom to doctors appointments, attorneys appointments to change her power of attorney and such without letting anyone know these appointments were scheduled. I asked her why she's not sharing that information and she says "If Grandma wanted you to know she'd tell you".

You said your mother can be manipulative. She may be telling your daughter things out of being hurt that you didn't take her in. Or, your daughter may feel superior for taking her in. There is no way to know the motivations behind what your daughter said.

Moms birthday is coming up and I wanted to make an appointment for her to get fitted for a wig as a surprise. Sent me daughter a message asking if there were any upcoming appointments. She said, no. I sent her a message and said I was making an appointment for Grandma and would let her know when since it wouldn't conflict with anything. She asked where I was taking her and why I was taking her, this rubbed me the wrong way and I responded with "a surprise for her birthday". She came back with "BS, if that's what it was you'd tell me, you're doing something else and I want to know what. I responded with "like you tell me when she has appointments?" Then it hit the fan.

Again, there is no way to know the motivation for why your daughter responded the way she did. I feel there are many more layers to all of this.

She responded by telling me "I don't have to share with you. You opted out of caring for your mother, you made the choice. It's not my job to inform you of what's going when you didn't want the responsibility in the first place. She's in my care now and it's my responsibility to take care of her, so no you don't get to swoop in with your plans because it's not about you. It's not my place nor my job to tell you anything. I don't respect you and am tired of you playing the victim all the time"

I find it very sad that your daughter was so disrespectful towards you. Regardless of her taking in grandma, it's just hurtful for her to throw it in your face.

My mother is extremely manipulative and always plays both sides of the coin all the time so I'm sure this is a mitigating factor. What hurts is that my daughter is well aware of this, she's known it her entire life. Now she's attacking me saying I'm belittling my mom, telling her she's alienating me among other things. I did tell my mom she's punishing me very well because she continuously tells me "You didn't want to take care of me or want me".

You know your mother and your daughter. You know how they operate. Yes, your mother may very well be filling your daughter's head with all kinds of things but bottom line, you have no control over what your mother will tell your daughter or what your daughter will tell your mother or how either one of them will process the "information"

I’m 55 yrs old and at least 12 yrs away from retirement. I can’t financially quit work, buy another home to accommodate my mother’s needs and go forward. I need to also plan for my own retirement and needs at 80. The plan was to find an assisted living home that worked in her budget and my daughters home was to be the interim. My daughter made the decision to just keep grandma with her since she doesn’t need to work. Side note, when my daughter and son in law were having their 5000 square foot home built 4 yrs ago they offered to build an area to accommodate grandma then and she refused. Now it’s my fault I can’t quit working and sell my home to buy another to accommodate??

I think you are wise to plan for your own retirement. As much as we all might like to think our children will be there for us when we are older, well there is just no guarantee and setting forth our plan for the golden years is our best option.

My advise to you is to step back from it. Your daughter has taken on the responsibility for caring for grandma. Take the high road and be as supportive as you can. Do not give your daughter or mother any ammunition that they can use against you. There's an old saying "Fake it till you make it"
I know it may rub you the wrong way but do things like, tell your daughter how much you appreciate the great care she is giving to grandma. How kind it was for her and son in law to take grandma in. Plan something for your mom like taking her out to lunch and make sure you share it with your daughter. Sometimes it's better to play the game because at least you will be in the game and not sitting on the sidelines.

((HUGS)) to you......................

 

[Tired out]

I didn't ask if she would like it better if she was in a retirement home to be mean. I am serious. Maybe she doesn't really trust her daughter with the care of her mom (daughter's grand mom).
We knew my husband's dad was better off in a retirement home that with the daughter-in-law in charge. It wasn't mean, he was better served being there. I worked at a retirement home and we took really good care of our clients and they had a more social life and outings with their peers.

 

[Tired out]

I’m 55 yrs old and at least 12 yrs away from retirement. I can’t financially quit work, buy another home to accommodate my mother’s needs and go forward. I need to also plan for my own retirement and needs at 80. The plan was to find an assisted living home that worked in her budget and my daughters home was to be the interim. My daughter made the decision to just keep grandma with her since she doesn’t need to work. Side note, when my daughter and son in law were having their 5000 square foot home built 4 yrs ago they offered to build an area to accommodate grandma then and she refused. Now it’s my fault I can’t quit working and sell my home to buy another to accommodate??

I think things come across wrong in text. I am not saying that you are wrong, not in the least. However I am saying that you can't control the situation when your mom is living with your daughter. Personally, if it was me. I would be glad daughter decided to have grandma live with her, or maybe not..your mom sounds a bit difficult and it is probably stressing your daughter out and she doesn't want to admit it. With the family dynamic and your mom's personality a retirement residence may have been a better choice.
I have a big fancy house and a handicapped son. the fancy house doesn't make it easier. It is the time it takes more than the money.
My son will be my responsibility as long as I am able. When I am no longer able we will need an alternative. His sister says it will be her and her hubby, she doesn't really understand at this point what she would be letting herself in for. No one really "gets it" until they have to be the care provider. I don't want to stress her marriage with the situation and I don't want my son in a "home" ..it is scary.My difficult child used to be the one that always helped with disabled son.
I hate that this stress is being caused between your daughter and you. do you think it is dues to your mom or just the whole situation?
I wish you luck, and peace. Don't shorten your own life with stress. Maybe if you try to approach it in a more light hearted manner and just say what you want to do with mom.
Again, good luck. Truly I wasn't trying to put you down in any way. I just know how people tried to second guess my sister-in-laws handling of my father-in-law and they were between a rock and a hard place. basically getting old sucks. and you are younger than I am.