Deep Breaths...trying to stay at least semi-detached

[Copabanana]

So ready to live. What a brilliant and insightful post. You touched so many of my hurt places by your own sharing of your pain, I do not feel so bad, knowing that somewhere on Earth there is somebody (you) who feels like I do. That we share this. That by both of us feeling this together we help each other carry the pain, and negotiate a way to live outside of it.

Oh how heavy and hopeless this feels. How old and tired I feel. In 10 years I have aged 20.

Our son is adopted and I'm always afraid that his "can you help me?" calls equate to do you love me? If he only knew how much we do.

OMG. You know my son is adopted, too? And near 100 percent of his travails are related to his birth circumstances and parents. I thought my love would cure all, but it does not cure life, that I have learned the hard way.

Oh, so ready to live, he knows with every fiber of his being that you love him. His doubt, their doubts, are about their own unlovability in relation to their experience of rejection and abandonment. Why did they not want to take care of me? Why did they do this to me? (My son was born drug exposed and we later found out acquired at birth the Hepatitis from his mother.) In my son's case there is a sense he does not deserve my love and support, and works to undermine it. Nor does he feel he deserves the sweetness of life itself. It breaks my heart. I struggled my whole life with the sense that I was undeserving: What is wrong with me, that I do not deserve (this or that); things that felt beyond my reach.

Sometimes I fear that I transmitted my own limitations to him. That I trained him to have this orientation towards life. But then I remind myself that every single thing that I felt I deserved but was beyond my reach, I fought and fought for. In this way I changed. While I may not have gotten what I wanted, the process of fighting changed me.

Except now I am being called upon to lay down my arms. Fighting for this or that has no positive effect with him, for him.

I have no control. None. I keep on and on, with the same result. Who's the fool here?

Is the fool the one trying to figure out who the fool is?

I think you might have a point here. On another thread a dad reminds me to keep it simple. He is right. There is really no room or use here for all of the convolutions we bring to the table. There is room for food and to eat. That is it.

I know this is about me. It's the PTSD of years of him failing. I expect it, I'm so afraid of it.

OMG. Reading this I see myself. Except in my case it goes deeper still. I had a father who went off the deep end in amorality, alcoholism, drugs and a deep cynicism, except worse than that. He went to the bottom.

I had idolized him as a child. Handsome and charming and fun. His demons destroyed him or his choices destroyed him. And I believe I have a hard time quelling my dread of what did happen, to what could happen.

When I should feel hope and strength, I feel dread and brokenness, a horrible dearth of control to stop what I cannot stop. This downward trajectory of my father has defined my life. I post a lot about my mother. I almost never, try not to ever think about my father--this black hole.

And I think this very black hole, is where I fall into with my son. That most everything I do is a frantic effort to not fall back in myself.

My anger lasted a few months only. Now it is cold again and I am so sad

Well. My anger lasted about 18 hours. and it is very cold here and I am so sad, too.

It is awakening over and over at night with my son as the first and only thing on my mind.

Two nights now I cannot sleep.

Lil, your son is young and has landed on his feet many times. I feel he is out there figuring it out. I have hope for him.

Lil. How many times have I posted this very thing? I think so ready to live and I were separated at birth.

Can one person, even one we love so much wield that much power? To ruin our years?

No. We are ruining our years. But the upside of this, is we can learn to reverse it, and put into place practices and a way to be, that fuels rather than defeats us.

our understanding of "can't control it" would equate to health for us.

I appreciate the viewpoint, but I do not think this is so for me.

To happiness despite our circumstances, to living above what happens or doesn't.

Now, here you nail it. This is it. This is where I want to go.

Thank you, so ready to live.

 

[Copabanana]

Is this not the truth! Any binding to know safety

mof. The battery of the laptop is almost dead. I will reply later on this morning. Love this post!!!

 

[A dad]

We need something for people to know what post are we talking about besides quote because of the space it takes like @above. Will help a lot.

 

[Lil]

I would do anything for him to call.

You see, I want him to call. I do not dread the call. I want the ties that bind us. I want to know he is OK, and where he is. I want to speak to him.

Oh Copa - I don't mean that I don't want to hear from him! I'd give anything to keep getting calls like I got the other day, just calling to tell me he had the best hamburger ever. What I dread is THAT call. The "I'm helpless and alone and I need you to rescue me" call. The "screaming and crying and threatening dire consequences if I do nothing" call.

I just want my son to love me again. I want him to care.

He DOES love you. I'm sure of that. Both our son's love us. They just haven't got it in them to show us the way they should.

There's a part underneath my skin that fears stopping still. I know this is about me. It's the PTSD of years of him failing. I expect it, I'm so afraid of it.

Yes. I am NOT yet ready to stop entirely. I paid his phone for this month. Jabber, I know, wasn't happy about it. But, I HAD to do it. I had to do it for ME. I didn't make that payment for my son's benefit, but for my own piece of mind. Same with the sleeping bag I bought the other day. When I have to choose between helping him and telling him to stand or fall with no help, my fear of his falling wins.

When we go to pick out a Christmas tree and I think I don't feel like it, then remember I didn't feel like it last year or the year before...Can one person, even one we love so much wield that much power? To ruin our years?

Heck, last year Jabber and I went to Vegas to avoid Christmas. lol

But the holidays are by far harder than anything else. I should remember that he ruined so many Thanksgivings and Christmases when he was here...but instead I'm just sad and ... Scrooge-like. Bah Humbug.

 

[Copabanana]

for people to know what post are we talking about

Sorry, a dad.

Did you mean you want to know the context of the quote, or that I go on and on in circles and confuse you? Or both?

Here is the context of the quote:

I want the ties that bind us. I want to know he is OK, and where he is. I want to speak to him.

Lil and I and others (Albatross and possibly MOF come to mind) are in situations where our sons are "out there."

Our own choices, and viewpoints, our thinking about them and their lives, has contributed to their leaving.

Ours are intolerable situations for mothers. Because by nature we want to feel them to be safe and protected. They are our children. But they are men, who must be bound to take responsibility for their lives.

This is the vortex in which we find ourselves. Flying around within a cyclone like The Wizard of OZ. On the one hand we cannot bear how they are when they are dependent upon us. On the other, we cannot bear our fear for them, and for ourselves--when they are out there.

It is from the latter, that I spoke in the quote. When my son is gone and I do not know where he is, how he is, I find it unbearable. I want connection between us. For my whole life, I will want it.

That I acted to get him to leave even though I thought it was right, causes me anguish and self-doubt.

I want more than anything that he call or that I find him out there. When I feel like this, I am motivated to do almost anything, to remove this feeling. Call it what you want: enabling, etc. This is what I feel. Will I act from this, and override what I said and did before, I do not know? Should I? i do not know.

This is what I meant.

We are dealing with this theme on my thread, My son is out. Again. Honestly, I am considering possibly even relenting on the marijuana, as I recognize the wisdom of what TL has posted: to not try to control that which she cannot control.

Color me: lost.

 

[mtic]

He was home for 2 months, started out great, gradually went back to old friends, old ways and then we found drugs in our home and once again made him leave.

I stopped using phrases like "made him leave" or "kicked him out." The second time my son came back to stay with us we used the terminology that he's choosing whether or not he wants to live at home. My son chose to continue doing drugs and lying to us, so HE DECIDED that was more important than living with us. The change in terminology has made me feel better. He's living with a friend in another state and went to an outpatient rehab. He appears to be doing better and his roommate tells me he doesn't believe he's done any drugs since July. My son knows he has completely burned the bridge to ever live at home again. My physical and mental health can't take it. He is coming for a visit over Christmas for a few days and he is welcome to stay here during that time, but he knows he can never live here again.

 

[Copabanana]

My son chose to continue doing drugs and lying to us, so HE DECIDED that was more important than living with us. The change in terminology has made me feel better.

This is brilliant.

mtdenise. You have made me aware that I am playing both roles. I am taking away his responsibility. There is no right or wrong choice. It is only about, all about, letting him play his part--deciding for himself. He knew all along. He made a choice.

 

[Lil]

So...I couldn't keep myself from texting him. The weather is apparently really nasty right now, tons of snow. He told me he'll be outside for a month after the semester ends...the "friend" will be going home and the dorm is out of the question without her. He suggested nothing else and nor did I, except to mention that there are 3 shelters, surely he could get inside in the nighttime...and he needed to find a girl who has an apartment instead of a dorm. It is what it is. I guess for Christmas I'll send a care package, if he can get mail somewhere.

 

[RN0441]

mtdenise

I feel that our son CHOSE not to live with us also. I am where you are in every way. He is doing much better away from us. We flew to see him for Thanksgiving and will do so again for Christmas.....it's cold here and warm in Florida! He looked good when we were there and we enjoyed our visit. He never did well long term in any of his treatment programs but he had to get something out of it. He can sink or swim at this point, it's his life. I also don't think I would ever let him live at home again and he should not need to. We are waiting for him to start college, trade school or something and then be self supportive. My health cannot take it either. I got a cold sore yesterday just from texting with him. It is insane how my body reacts - all by itself. Do you supplement him? We do the bare minimum and as long as he's doing better than he was, for now we are okay with it. I am thankful we can do it financially. I am on your page!!

 

[mtic]

Do you supplement him?

No, we don't supplement him at all. Thankfully, he's always been willing to work and enjoys it. He's currently working at a furniture store delivering furniture. His problem is he has a hard time holding onto any money and planning. I'm hoping he will learn that skill very soon. Even without buying drugs, he can spend money like nobody's business.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I stopped using phrases like "made him leave" or "kicked him out." The second time my son came back to stay with us we used the terminology that he's choosing whether or not he wants to live at home. My son chose to continue doing drugs and lying to us, so HE DECIDED that was more important than living with us. The change in terminology has made me feel better.

The volunteer who assists me with the class at work uses a phrase similar to this. She is retired from the public sector and did a lot of hiring and firing. She said that anyone who got fired "Earned the right to be fired" by their actions or lack there of.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You know I had to let someone go this week. And I felt sad about it afterwards. But my husband told me that I don't fire anyone, they fire themselves. And he is right. It still didn't feel good to do though.

 

[Childofmine]

It's 1000 times harder on us when the weather is so cold. I don't know if it's harder on them or not. The fact that they stay and don't make something different happen (with or without us) tells me it is possibly harder on us...the weather. I know I used to worry myself sick when winter came and Difficult Child was "somewhere".

We are one spoke on their wheel. See the wheel, my friends? There are 24 spokes. We are just one spoke, their mothers. That image helped me so much. I hope it helps you. We are not the hub of the wheel. We are not the whole wheel. We are not anything more than...just one spoke. They love us, we mom/spokes. They will circle back around to us, in time, they always do. But we aren't their first waking thought and their last waking thought, like them ours.

I try to compare it to how I feel and think about my own parents. They are one spoke. My wheel is full of other people and priorities.

Hang in there. They are warmer than we are, during these times.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

My son lived up North all his life. He was on the streets for 16 years in all seasons; winters are brutal in the state he lived. He survived. These kids are survivors and they have networks, friends who know friends who knows friends or places to go. We will never of course not wonder or worry but most of them find shelter, food and ways to get to way they need to go.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

It's 1000 times harder on us when the weather is so cold. I don't know if it's harder on them or not. The fact that they stay and don't make something different happen (with or without us) tells me it is possibly harder on us...the weather. I know I used to worry myself sick when winter came and Difficult Child was "somewhere".

We are one spoke on their wheel. See the wheel, my friends? There are 24 spokes. We are just one spoke, their mothers. That image helped me so much. I hope it helps you. We are not the hub of the wheel. We are not the whole wheel. We are not anything more than...just one spoke. They love us, we mom/spokes. They will circle back around to us, in time, they always do. But we aren't their first waking thought and their last waking thought, like them ours.

I try to compare it to how I feel and think about my own parents. They are one spoke. My wheel is full of other people and priorities.

Hang in there. They are warmer than we are, during these times.

Love this COM. We are just a spoke in the wheel. So true.