Detach Detach

[ML]

I'm having trouble with ss J and his attitude. The couple of times he's lived with us before it always comes to this. I think it probably is depression. Like his father, my husband, he withdrawls when unhappy and if you confront him, even in a kind and non abrasive way, he'll deny anything is wrong and act like you're the problem. He is filled with anger and resentment and the only way to survive it is to detach which is basically to ignore. That is so uncomfortable for me. I guess in a way it's good that he seldom comes up from the dungeon.

He is a difficult child and was doing drugs and alcohol since a teen but I don't see any of that going on now. He doesn't seem high or intoxicated but I guess it's possible. I know he needs counseling but if I suggest it he'll resent it and then I will really start to become the enemy in his eyes.

Manster wont' go down to the basement, it's always been a scary place, even now. They barely connect but with manster it takes somone with patience and J just doesn't have that.

It's hard living with someone who is angry and unapproachable all the time. I think I need to start going back to meetings regularly to help deal with this. I just feel like it's my fault which is a key my codependence is kicking up. I think he resents that his father remarried which is understandable. I know it's not me in particular and that he would resent whoever he married. Doesn't make it any easier and there's nothing I can do about it, he'll have to work through his demons. I really do wish he would go to counseling.

 

[AnnieO]

ML, how old is SS? because I know how it is to not want to be home. Coming home from work I'd put off, go the long way, talk to a coworker, etc. Anything to avoid the acidy feeling in the pit of my stomach before I went home to a child who screamed if so much as asked to turn down the radio. The tension was - literally - VISIBLE. A friend stayed with us for a few weeks then went to see his girl for 3 weeks. When he came back through and the light had broken over difficult child 1 re biomom and he said it was like walking into an alternate universe.

difficult children never thought of me as a replacement, or that I was trying. A psychologist asked difficult child 1 once what she thought her parents' biggest mistake was and she said, "getting married". I think she was 8 at the time! But the kids' biomom kept pushing that husband was "still in love" with her and trying to replace her. LOL - she still pulls this once in a while! But when husband and I got married the kids asked what they should call me. I told them, you choose as long as it's nice. So I get "Mama C", "Mom", "Mommy" and of course my first name. When I have overheard difficult child 1 talk to her friends, I am stepmom sometimes, and mom others. Guessing it's just easier.

About that codependence, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I am sending you as many cyber hugs as I can. because I've been there too. It's not going right, so I must have messed up...? This child has so many other influences in his life, how could it possibly be your fault? Maybe if you were the only influence and kept him locked in a cage. And if he is a user, you might not see it. Users/abusers are very, very good at hiding it. It's like the Snuffleupagus in the living room. Somebody thinks it's there (Big Bird), but no one else can see it - directly. And then all the sudden THERE IT IS.

I feel like I'm preaching to the choir here - as much great (!) advice as I have seen you give here - but then I also know that if everything in your life were perfect you wouldn't be able to. And sometimes no matter what your rational mind says, your emotions just don't get it!

(((((HUGS))))) I'm thinking about you. I can't find the hug smiley!!!!! Will this one work?

 

[Star*]

ML,

I wondered how things were going. Some people you feel after years and years of trying to communicate that you will never reach. I don't believe this. I think maybe there is a way to reach him - but you haven't found it yet.

I loved what you said about "it wouldn't matter whom your husband married." and that is so true.

Look up or google effective communication. I swear I'd feel like Ghandi if only I had a better understanding of how to talk to people. Some just have it as a gift naturally but me? I have to work on that - I never quite seem to be able to say things to Dude without rehersal. lol

Hugs
Star

 

[standswithcourage]

I think you are doing a great job. About codependency I am the queen of it. I need recovery all the time for that. I have to read and reread literature I have on it. It is my downfall - the defects of character that I do when I feel sad or guilty. Those are the feelings of codependence and when we feel that way you need to start thinking of the positive things about yourself and how lucky you are compared to others.

 

[Hound dog]

I have no great depth of wisdom here. husband and I married when K was 3 yrs old, which is why I don't really look at her as my stepdaughter.

But I never ever made any attempts to fill the mother role. She had a mother, a perfectly fine mother despite her faults. (we all have faults) The mothering I did with K came naturally over time. It just happened.

I've had multiple stepdad's, and a few stepMom's. The one's who meant the most to me were the one's who didn't actively attempt to befriend me. Then we sort of developed relationships that went beyond or around a parent child thing. Like my Dad divorced his (god only knows what number) wife, a woman I admire and happen to like very much. My Dad can groan about her all he wants, has no effect on how she and I relate to each other. But then I'm told I'm a bit odd that way. lol

You just be you. Things will fall into place as far as any relationship goes. It's not your fault ss is the way he is, nor is it your job to fix him. I know it's hard to watch a kid struggle, but it's something he's going to have to work out.

Hugs

 

[ML]

Thank you so much everyone. I love this new home of friends. You are all so wise and wonderful.

I'll try not to push J too much and just hang back and be as supportive as I can. He has a lot of issues with his dad and mom who he hasn't seen in years. She was into drugs bad, married about 8 more times after marrying his dad and she's not been there for him or his brother. They literally want nothing to do with her, she's still actively drugging. But I can't take her place, that's a loss he needs to process and grieve. He also has carp to deal with with his dad, my husband. husband is going to his meetings and has some peace I haven't seen in years. The best thing I can do for them is to give them space to heal and grow from the past. I'll just concentrate on manster who is a handful in and of himself.

Thanks again all.

Love xoxox ML