Devastated

[BusynMember]

Lil, unless something happened you did not post, which is your right, you have changed so much that if i was your mother lol id br proud of you. You are letting your son be. Like everyone here, he is not who you hoped hed be (sigh...yeah, my oldest will never be how I hoped) but you have let his choices go. He is so young. He may yet mature in a way more acceptable to you. But for now you love him dearly, but are not consumed with him anymore.

Lil, my daughter was a delicate child who looked like a stereotypical china doll. Gorgeous. I got complements about her cuteness all the time. She was loving and sweet. It was harder for me to detach from my daughters drug use than my oldest sons obnoxiousness and abuse, maybe because she is a female. I saw the six year old with long dark hair, shiny almond eyes, little nose and pink, rosebud lips...I get it. You only have one child. I so get it. That is hard too.

But you are on the right path and your son may be too. He has left home. Thats a huge step! Kudos!!!

 

[Nessie]

I am still feeling sick with this all. I have spent the entire weekend waiting for a phone call or knock on the door to give me some terrible news, it feels as though I will never experience peace again.

Son is in court tomorrow and he is adamant he does not want me to attend so I guess I won't. He returned this afternoon to collect some more of his stuff and it took everything I had to not offer him money or cry and try to have another pointless conversation with him. Seeing him has not helped at all, I actually felt a bit better last night but now I feel sick inside again. I am not sure that I can make it through this. Now he has left I can feel that buzzing of a million questions and worries going through my brain. I want to scream it's not fair but I don't even have the energy to do that.

 

[Copabanana]

Nessie. These behaviors are intolerable under your roof or near your family:

uses and deals drugs, was recently arrested and has demonstrated threatening behaviour to my family

He treats my husband so badly and he really doesn't deserve it.

These are anti-social behaviors and your son needs to experience consequences so as to motivate him to change.

By creating distance you are both protecting yourself and your family but you are acting in the interest of your son.

Believe that.

It has been proven that contact, living together, will not influence your son to stop criminality, self-destructive behaviors or disrespecting loved ones. You acted on that knowledge because you are a responsible and loving wife and mother.

Your son did this to himself (and to others). The bad acts were his.

I understand the sadness because I am sad and worried too about my own son (and myself.) But I recognize too (most of the time) that I had no choice.

 

[BusynMember]

Nessie, these types of young adults are survivors, if nothing else. You have every right to feel angry at him and sad for yourself that he is making dangerous choices that even affect his sister. Nobody would expect you not to grieve. We all do. We didnt want our dreams to turn into this nightmare. We still think it is partly our faults. Guilt is natural, although not really logical.

DNA is huge. Your son is like his father due to an obviously large dose of Dad's DNA, not his upbringing. Ypu had no control over that.

You need to find something to feel good about. You have saved your daughter, who does not deserve her brother's crap, from suffering from it anymore, at least not day to day. At least there are no drugs and fights in the house. A house should be a sanctuary.

Please try to see the good to your daughter. Your son was not refraining from bad/criminal behavior while he slept under your protective roof. He chose crime and drugs and assocoating with bad people anyway. He chose danger, even while living with you.

It cant get any worse than drug dealing even if he is no longer in your home. Sometimes it is the kick they need to get help, athough not always. And, if it is, often it can take years and years. But it can happen.

You protected your daughter. Thats huge. And you are also teaching a lesson to your your son. He cant be a criminal under your roof. Period. Its a strong message.

Certainly you stilll love him, but he is a danger to you right now. If you pray, pray and give him to God to watch over. If you dont pray, believe that you have done the only choice you had, and try to hang onto that.

We are all with you. And you can post, if needed, 24/7, 365 days a year.

Many hugs.

 

[bluebell]

My son came yesterday to do some laundry as well. It was hard. He sent a text earlier last week saying he had gotten his full time job back (that he had a year ago and has been lost ever since) and was getting back on track, but he didn't work all weekend and is not there today. It's hard and sad, I know he screwed it up again by not showing up or being late, but it is part of the process of hitting 'rock bottom' I tell myself.
I do wish he would quit showing up here and I may have to pick that battle soon. He and my daughter got into an argument, he was demanding to use her headphones and they were fighting over the washing machine. I was so glad to see him go, nothing has changed.

 

[wisernow]

Nessie.....I know this is difficult for you but some distance between the two of you will I think be good in the long run. The situation had deteroriated so much that neither you, or the rest of the family feel safe. Heck he may not even feel safe in that environment because he cant control himself. He needs to learn there are consequences for his behavior. Sometimes we cant teach them that...they need to learn through other venues. It was his choice! Hugs to you

 

[Nessie]

Everybody is so kind and supportive, it does genuinely help. I saw my doctor today and have prescription for antidepressants, not sure if I want to take them. I know I feel bad, worse then I have ever felt, but I was hoping to avoid this. Its like I think I have to learn to deal with this because the situation is very unlikely to be resolved quickly.

The anxiety is the worse. I feel completely paranoid - does this get easier? I have to pull myself together for my family I just need to figure out where to start.

 

[Copabanana]

I saw my doctor today and have prescription for antidepressants

If you are talking about an SSRI, like Paxil or Zoloft or something similar I have taken them almost a dozen times over the years. My preference is Zoloft. It is tried and true. I feel no side effects whatsoever. There are newer variants that are even better. It takes 3 weeks for your body to respond fully. What happens is that I cannot dwell. That is the only change. What I have done is take the pills for a few months or so until I am jump started. The only time they did not work was after my mother died, when nothing helped. But that was mourning not depression.

Some types of SSRI's apparently help reduce anxiety too. I would google to find which one(s).

There is absolutely no stigma in my mind to using an anti-depressant. You have endured severe stress and trauma--somebody you love with all your heart-put you at risk; and you fear that by protecting yourself, you put him at risk--or put your relationship at risk. Actually, the feeling I get is that my heart breaks because my heart is my son.

This is not true. None of it. Your son will be helped not hurt by your saving yourself, your home, family. He requires boundaries. He is required to know absolutely that his dealing drugs and use of drugs will not be tolerated by you.

You have done good. You need to feel better now. I would take the medication. In a heartbeat.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

I am so very sorry for your pain. These children lead frustrating and in many ways tragic lives. It has nothing to do with us failing them. They are wired differently than us. I don't really believe in the term 'normal' but at the same time most people can cope with the demands of everyday life. Our difficult children cannot. My difficult stepson is such a child. Like you, we mourn the paths not taken, and the paths we DID take that buoyed our hopes only to ultimately cause more disappointment. I fear for my marriage as difficult stepson becomes a legal adult, if he continues to struggle. My wife's position is that no matter what he is her son and if he needs a "port in the storm" she wants to provide it. I have told her that I respect that but at the same time, I will not have a violent, drug and alcohol abusing, unemployed, un-medicated, mentally ill and unpredictable person in my home causing me distress.....even if it means my spouse and I have to live apart for a time or even split permanently because of it. I hope every day it does not come to something like that but for many of us, it does.

Nothing has ever helped my stepson. Beginning at age 8 he has received therapy off and on. We had him evaluated for an IEP as a sophpmore, he was found ineligible - then when we withdrew him from traditional school so he could try to finish his diploma online we were told the SCHOOL was about to initiate another evaluation because he was doing so poorly. Had he received the IEP he needed one year ago perhaps he would have made some headway, then again maybe not. That could just be magical thinking on my part. The fact that the school took this step for a 16 year old (in a district that is known to be unfriendly to special education) just underscores in my mind how bad off he is.

I suspect my stepson has CD too though he's not been diagnosed. Won't accept anybody's authority and if the issue is pushed he becomes violent. I would urge you to seek counseling, maybe some self-help like Al-Anon as well, even if you do not have an alcoholic in your family history, the program can teach you how to detach and love yourself in the midst of the chaos these children cause. Like you, I know my stepson will be nowhere near ready to live his life at the age of 18. Sometimes I believe I can sense that his will be an early death either due to misadventure or suicide. I will hope for a miracle but keep my feet planted on the ground. I salute you for doing so much for your son while being a single parent. Don't blame yourself. He is just wired differently from most of us. I hope your stepson can be helped.

By the way, Risperdal is an anti-psychotic and can cause weight gain. Not sure if that would affect your son's willingness to take it and be compliant with it. My stepson has a tendency toward heaviness and would not take a drug with this side effect.

Good luck to you.