difficult child and school. Hoping I didn't make a big mistake

[BusynMember]

I don't think dying her hair is that good an idea. I dye my hair to cover the gray (grin) and it requires a lot of upkeep that she may not want to do. Nothing looks worse than dark roots (or, in my case, gray roots). I think your daughter's problems are far beyond her oily hair, although hygiene could matter, but not if she is still very shy and offputting, which is probably not her fault.

Does she WANT to make friends? It kind of seems like she doesn't really care. But if she really does, but is shy, self-conscious, and certain that her peers will never accept her, it is very hard to jump in and even join the chess club, which is usually reserved for less popular kids (or it used to be in our school and still is in daughter's school). You can be ignored in a club just as easily as in the lunchroom, which is torture for a child sitting all alone (been there done that). Example: My niece was in the pommies, very high prestige, but the other girls thought she was a geek (she's brilliant) and made fun of her rather than befriended her and it was a fight to keep her in the club.

Could you sign her up for a social skills class? She probably needs to look like she is more sure of herself and to go up to other kids first, which is hard for shy kids, but often it takes initiative to make friends. She has to be motivated to do it. Kids are cliqueish and often already have t heir friends in high school and it's hard to break in.

Is there anyone who sits alone who she can take a bold risk with and sit next to and try to befriend?

I had such a crummy childhood...seems like I can personally relate to all the kid's problems. But here I go again. At various times I had to sit alone due to no friends. But I did try to talk to the unpopular kids or younger kids and make friends that way and it often worked. I never had a ton of friends, but I didn't have to sit alone at lunchtime and had people to hang with on the weekends. In high school, when I was a senior, my friends were sophomores, but they were older sophomores and remained my friends for many, many years...way past the time when what grade you were in school mattered. I felt safer with younger kids.

Just a few thoughts....gentle hugs.

 

[Californiablonde]

I think I will try the dry shampoo. That's a brilliant idea. I will look for it at Target when I go this weekend. Midwest Mom, we don't offer a social skills goup at my school. She was in one in her last school and really enjoyed it. She was finally starting to make friends and here I go and screw it up by moving close to work. So I do feel guilty for that. And she is very artistic and loves to draw so I am trying to encourage her to join the art club, but she wants no part of it. She says she is not good enough to join and she is embarrassed of her artwork. I think she is quite good and I'm actually jealous cause she inherited the artistic gene from her dad and I can't even draw stick figures. And then there's the choir club, and difficult child loves to sing. But again her low self esteem gets in the way. She doesn't think her voice is good enough even though other people tell her otherwise. So I feel bad for her because I was never really good at making friends either. In school I was painfully shy and the only reason why I had a group of friends is because they approached me first. So I am hoping somebody will have a heart and introduce themselves to her and befriend her.

 

[DDD]

We used dry shampoo years ago and I'd forgotten all about it. Good idea, guys. DDD

 

[InsaneCdn]

Once she's a bit more familiar with the school... maybe the GC or her case manager could talk to the teachers who run the art club and choir... probably art club first, because it doesn't involve performances... and see if there is a way to "recruit" difficult child. Is she taking an art or music class at school?

 

[Californiablonde]

She is taking an art class at school. She says she doesn't like it cause the other students are much better than her and she feels dumb.

 

[InsaneCdn]

This is where the case manager comes in. What type of art is her strongest forte? portraits, landscapes, abstract, 3-d,... ? and then... case manager can work with art teacher to have that be one of the upcoming projects... where she will shine. THEN she can be invited to join the club based on what she is GOOD at... Know what I mean??

 

[BusynMember]

CalilfornyMom, sometimes I felt weird doing activities in my school because I didn't have a lot of friends, but did you think about putting her in private art lessons with some other kids? No rule says your friends HAVE to always go to your school, and maybe she'll see that some kids from her school are in the same private class, but the dynamics are different when it's not in school.

My mom had me in drama and singing, but in private school. It helped a lot. I made lots of friends at those schools until I got very depressed and quit (I never should have, depressed or not). I understand her self esteem issues. Don't blame yourself. I swear some kids are born with that charm and ability to connect with everyone, and some of us are just born more quiet and unsure of ourselves. What about community theatre? That is usually not through school, but requires a lot of interaction between kids that she may not have met yet. I liked the idea of the activities not being in my school where people had ideas about me already.

Artistic, creative kids, like your talented daughter and my pastry chef, have less activities they can join...everything to me, when I raised Julie, seemed geared toward sports. But we have to try, don't we? Keep up the good work. You are an involved, caring mom...and that means everything to your daughter.