Difficult child and stepchildren

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by WearyMomof2, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. WearyMomof2

    WearyMomof2 New Member

    We would have informed her but she made the decision he was going to the emergency room without even seeing him. We could have waited until the next day and taken him to the pediatrician but his mother decided he was going to the emergency room. It's not just about the cost but the parental control.
     
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    How do you feel about the state of your marriage? Have you consideref marriage counseling?

    My son has been in litigation with his ex for five years. in my opinion she is nuts and is not thinking of the best interests of my grandson at all. She ran off with another man while married to my son and disappeared for a month. She eventually married him. My son and ex have been to mediation but ex wouldnt do what mediator wanted and frankly mediation is not legal. She got into no trouble for not listening. Im not even sure the judge got a report on tje mediation.
    Ex does what she wants and my son is told to deal with her. Period. He texts her on Wizard only and does not talk to her. His son has come over with bruises and nobody cares. I am not sure what you can do if husbands ex continues to insert herself into your life and nobody stops her. My son never wants to marry again partly due to her. And ex's new husband who got out of his car during an exchange and in front of his son threatened to beat him up. My grandson was hysterical.

    Nobody cared. Son was accused of exaggerating. Grandson wasnt asked about it.

    Its not easy. Does ypur husband have a good attorney?

    I hope things can change. It is hard to be married with the ex having hernl nose in everything I am sure.

    I have my own.opinion on whether the courts REALLY care about the best interests of the kids. It doesnt seem that way to me. My grandson suffers because he is terrified of stepfather and nothing can be done. My son has tried everything legal.

    My son.has 50/50 visitation, joint legal and the legal address after ex tried to move out of the school district and Son fought it.

    It is a mess. I hope your husband can find something he is comfortable with that makes things better.

    Maybe your husband needs a new attorney. My son just changed lawyers, something I had hoped he'd do sooner. This one is more willing to fight for my grandson. The other one did very little.

    Im so tired of my son's case, and he lives in another state, so I can only imagine how it is for you. I hope you can find peace with all this legal stuff in the way.

    My son and his ex are informed about illnesses snd injuries on Wizard. They dont speak to each other. Im sure they would if something serious happens but not normal stuff that the parent can handle.

    Again I advise marital counseling.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2018
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I have to say, the mother was right in insisting that her son go to the emergency room. He had a concussion.
     
  4. JustForToday

    JustForToday New Member

    I mostly just read here and don't post, but like Cori, I would like to offer another point of view.

    First looking at your stepsons's point of view. They have dad 50% of the time. Dad gets married to another woman, has another child, takes on a stepchild, and now their time with their dad, and moreso, their dad's attention is being taken away from them. I think as a child I would feel hurt if my father decided to take another child (even a bio sibling) on a special day out and I wasn't invited. This type of feeling is double in situations of divorce.

    Then this other child is violent towards you or your siblings and tells lies that get you in trouble both at home and at school, and you feel blamed because you are accused of escalating it. "Ignoring" him may be more an act of self preservation and not bullying. "If I stay away from him I can't be accused of escalating him, and can't give him any excuse to hit me or blame me for something I didn't do."

    Also, consider their mother's point of view. Imagine if you were sending your children to stay with their father for a period of time and they were coming home with black eyes, or requiring ER visits for head injuries, or if you were being called to the school for discipline issues that were a result of a lie told by their stepbrother.

    Honestly, you should never encourage children to keep secrets from their mother. That would send up a huge red flag to me if I were their mother.

    Just like you feel like you need to protect your son, she, too, probably feels the need to protect her children.

    As adults, we recognize that your child has differences and behavior problems as a result of these differences, but you are expecting a level of maturity from children that isn't reasonable, especially if those children have been the victims of violent behavior and lies told to get them in trouble.

    Also understand your husband's point of view. While it may be the easy solution for you to greatly reduce his time with his children, that is an awful position to put him in. He is stuck in a position where he has to choose between his wife and his children. If he ends up distancing himself from his children it will do great damage to his children, and, quite possibly, your marriage.

    If his children are using therapy to complain about your son, you should listen to their complaints. I know you see this as a pile-on, but understand that your stepsons are children, too, and like your son they are hurting. Not only do they not feel safe in what should feel like their home, they feel like they are losing their father. Maybe you can go to counseling sessions with them without your biological children.

    I grew up in the home where the one with the bad behavior got the lion's share of the attention and I had to tiptoe around the one with the behavior problems because it was always my fault for "escalating" things. Even when I was the victim.

    I am sure that your son is in therapy and working on his behavior, and I completely understand that you feel the need to protect him, no mother ever wants to see her child hurt, but being angry at your stepchildren and their mother isn't the answer here.

    Since, as you said, so much time and energy is spent on your son and your daughter, maybe you and your husband can try to carve out some time to spend just with your stepsons. Get to know them better. Develop a bond with them

    Maybe your son's medication does need some fine tuning to help with the impulsive behavior and maybe you can find a family therapist that you all can agree on.

    Blending families under typical circumstances is hard. You have extra obstacles, but setting up and "us and them" situation is going to make it harder.
     
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I agree with a lot of what JustForToday says. But I see both sides...two people who married each other and didnt think of maybe the problems of mixing all those kids into a family and the mother to boot. There are four of the stepkids and two of yours and your hub no doubt loves his kids more thsn yours, plus your boy has special needs. The mother is nervous and not without reason. I also think ex is deliberately stirring the pot. Was the divorce contentious on her part?

    So many dynamics and issues.

    I disagree that kids dont or cant understand special needs. My now 25 year old son has high functioning autism and his sister adores him, always did,b and is always posting about understanding autism on social media. But my son was never violent. However she plus the kids when he went to school understood him.

    Having said that, the step kids may be inwardly angry that they have to interact with such a difficult stepbrother and now a half sister who is young, cute, the only girl and possibly autistic. They may not have even wanted their dad to remarry. This is common snd kids can be passive aggressive when unhappy about a situation. I had to really prepare my kids before I married my spouse and he didnt even have any kids.

    I think the only way that this family can survive longterm is therapy for all, including ex. If that is not going to happen, marital therapy probably HAS to happen. This is a very VERY complex situation with many players and a very difficlt child with a mother who will put her .02 in all the time and threaten your husband. If her kids get hurt this will only get worse. And she has cause to be upset. Sadly. I am NOT blaming your son for his special needs.

    in my opinion for this group to come together as a family, some therapy will probably be necessary. If all you can manage is marital counseling, go for it.
    Something has to give.

    I honestly wish you all the best.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2018