difficult child Fugitive and headed here.. with friends!

[susiestar]

The others here are right. These "nice kids" are drug abusers. Just because they came from small towns is NO reason to think they are not drug users/dealers.

Remember: If you use, you deal. It is the only way to afford it.

I have a cousin who has lived in small towns all his life. Married a small town girl.

Her uncles are mobbed up. Her entire family deals and uses. When they were having a tough time financially, cousin's mother in law gave them baggies of pot and other drugs to help with the bills.

Small towns tend to be RAMPANT with drugs in many areas. Of course not all, but if these "Nice small town kids" are travelling with your drug abusing daughter, they are abusing too. There simply is no way around this truth, whatever sunshine they blow up your tushie.

Meet them AWAY from your home. Don't let ANY of them into your home or even on your property. If you have a car that is less nice looking than the other one, use that car.

Just don't let them in your home or property.

It is OK to need to see your daughter. It is also OK to protect yourself and your husband from your daughter and her friends.

difficult child may be a master at manipulating people, but the other kids problem are too. So who knows what stories they are telling themselves and each other to justify running away?

Gentle hugs, this is terribly, terribly hard to do.

Susie

 

[Rhonda]

Thanks again all! I hear you loud and clear.

I will do the best I can. And right now I feel pretty good. I dont know about these people or my own difficult child for that matter. But, I know me. I know my SO (20 year military officer) and we have agreed on our plan of action.

I will keep you all posted. difficult child has said all of the right things.. big clue number one in my book that she is lying to me and herself!! I am not blind here. We will see. I hope I am wrong and she is being serious but I am dubious.

They will be in Monterey in the morning. I have given them the address of a place to stay and it serves breakfast and lunch for free.

Thanks again for the warnings... I am truly listening..well I think I am but then again based on the posts... after I put my plan out... maybe I just think I am hearing what was said... I hope not.

Was expecting more support/negative or additions/changes for my plan... not more warnings... but it is all good... everyone out here talks from their heart.. not necessarily what the writer is looking for but what they want to say.

Love you all!
Rhonda

 

[ThreeShadows]

I can only speak for myself. I am worried about you.

 

[Hound dog]

Rhonda

I understand you wanting/needing to know if she's serious or not. The others gave very sound advice based on experience. Let it run thru your head as you make decisions and while talking with difficult child. It helps, believe me.

Do not be alone with difficult child and her friends. Make certain husband is with you. Maybe difficult child, but not difficult child and friends together.

I ditto the others......extremely doubtful the other kids aren't user/dealers themselves. Birds of a feather and all that.......and it may just be a saying.......but I've found it to ring true too many times.

Above all else, proceed with the upmost caution.

Saying prayers.

Hugs

 

[susiestar]

Hey, we are supporting you no matter how tihs ends up. As long as you are not hurt the rest can be worked with.

I didn't give comments on your plan specifically because I couldn't see anything to change other than NOT being at your home at any time with difficult child or the other kids and NOT trusting her no matter what.

I DO support your plan. It sounds pretty good as long as you are NOT alone with difficult child and friends and you meet them away from your home. Also leave a note at home with where you were going and what the rough plan was once you got there. If you take precautions you won't need them, but if you don't take them you just might REALLY regret it.

The plan sounds fine as long as you stay in the headspace where you don't trust what she says and stick to the rules you set out for her coming home.

Gentle, supportive hugs,

Susie

ps. We will ALL be with you in spirit while you are going through all of this!

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, hon, I hope I'm wrong. I just don't want others to make the same mistakes I did. I was sucker punched by my kid so many times. When she really wanted to quit her behavior was dramatically different from when she was trying to "play" me. I'm worried about you too. My daughter is now 24 and most of her old "friends" are or were in jail and still doing drugs. She realizes how dangerous they were, but at the time, they were all playing the same reckless game with their own lives and she was one of them. Back then and now her old "friends" are not safe people or anyone I'd feel comfortable being around. And I don't want anything to happen to you. (((Hugs))) Yes, take hub with you!!!

 

[Rhonda]

Thanks again...

It is Wed morning. They were driving through the Mohave last night. Should be in Monterey early this morning. She begged us last night to let her and friends get just a couple of hours sleep when they get here since they have been driving for 56 hours straight through. I gave her the number and directions to the shelter. She called them and the recording said to call between 8 and 5.

SO and I are meeting them at 1:00 when he gets home. I am getting sick to my stomach. I am thinking of packing up and heading to visit friends a couple of hours away. Did not feel this way yesterday at all. But, now running for the hills seems like a viable course of action. I should be mad as h*** but just sad.

Wish me luck or God's speed.. lol... thanks for holding my hand all of you..
Rhonda

 

[TerryJ2]

I am getting sick to my stomach.

Oh, Ronda. {{{Hugs}}

 

[ScentofCedar]

I remember the scent and feel of difficult child when I hadn't seen him for a long time.

It was wonderful.

Beware.

Barbara

 

[Nomad]

I just read this very quickly...will try to take a moment to look at it again.
A little confused...is this some sort of desperate move on your difficult children part...or is she trying to make a spring break vacation out of it?

I think it is good that you are proceeding with extreme caution and good that you have said that you don't wish for her to be in your home, especially when there is not indication that she is willing to follow your rules, is wanted by the police and has other difficult children with her!
You'll have to have boundaries firmly...very firmly...set in your mind. And detaching will be important.

Are there plans in place for her to get services of some kind? Shelters are okay, but what about real medical and/or psycholgical care? What about addiction treatment? Would she be open to treatment? Who in your community will be able to help you create a list of services? What about a crisis hotline? A local hospital? Could you see if she is eligible for services? Is she still on your insurance? Can you see if you are covered for in patient care? This is some footwork you could do ahead of time. Do you have an attorney or know of one that you can speak to?

Is there a Families Anonymous Group you could get to?
If you go to the website, you could call and/or email the person nearest you. Often, they have good insight.

Wishing you well. This sounds heavy duty stressful. (Hugs).

http://www.familiesanonymous.org/

 

[katya02]

Hi, I'm coming late to this and you've had great advice and thoughts from everyone; I guess I'd just add my thoughts to susie's and suggest that you don't meet your difficult child and her friends alone - have your SO along - and meet in a very public place, as others have said. I hope you have a good alarm system on your house because the other thing that could happen, if you insist on a public meeting place, is that one or more of the 'friends' may go to your house (address supplied by your daughter) while you see your daughter and go through the place. If anyone can be home - great. If not, please set the alarm.

I'm so sorry this is happening in this way. I understand your desire to see your daughter and see whether there's any chance of her turning around, and I think your idea of her staying in a shelter is great. Just be careful, be safe, and don't let the 'friends' anywhere near. They are the real danger.

Best of luck!

 

[Andy]

Rhonda, You do have a good plan. Keep her out of your home. Go to her and let her talk. I like how you see that she is a different person but can become a better person. You are arming yourself well for this visit. I would make it clear to her how she has changed. Tell her that you do miss that old person who was fun to be with. Tell her that you can not trust the person she has become but you have faith that she can become the person she really wants to be.

She is stuck in teenland. She is the only person that can transfer from being a teen to being an adult. No one can do it for her.

Keep us updated. Good luck!

 

[standswithcourage]

I agree with all the above. My hugs to you also. It is hard when you want so much for it to be "normal" and it is not. You want to believe everything will be alright "this time" but you dont know. I would take it slow - easy does it - and I would also Keep It Simple - dont promise anything you are not ready to follow through. Keep yourself safe and dont hide her from the police.

 

[Rhonda]

Quick post!! UPdate.. they did not drive thru the night. Took my advice and sleep at a restaurant before the Mohave... They should be here in the next 30 min.. SO invited them for dinner!!! OMG in our home!!

Well only redeeming thing is they have called the Shelter and they know they can not stay here and seem fine with that. Unfortunately I have called every shelter.. every homeless hotline.. even the runaway hotline and every place in this area is full. Monterey County is not equiped for homeless.. They told me hundreds of families are living out of their cars right now! UGH!!

I looked up a cheap hotel (way cheaper than Youth Hostel!!). If all else fails we will send them to the $40 dollar hotel for one night so they can use tomorrow to find a place to stay...

Let me point out that I do not want to do that.. and may not.. but SO is willing (I think they should sleep in their car)! I did not ask them to come and they should have thought about it! Oddly enough I dont mind feeding them. I just did not want them in my home. But we have a guard dog (he even sets off alarms when I walk up) who lives in-doors.. a very big one.. so I dont think them coming back after seeing him will be a worry. Never know though. I will alarm the neighbors. Great neighbors and here in Pacific Grove we all live bunched up beside one another. Would be almost impossible to sneak around!

Thanks tons. I am being very careful.. And feel much better than this morning (not quite as sick). I love her. Can't change her. Dont expect anything from her or the other difficult child's.. and the one bright spot is that I found a counseling center in all the calling of the hundreds of numbers today (to find shelter) that sounds wonderful and gave difficult child the number!

Rhonda (smiles and hugs to all)

 

[susiestar]

Sounds like you have a plan. Stick to it and let us know how it goes after the visit! good Luck!!

 

[Star*]

Rhonda -

I hope all is well. Just checking in -

Hugs Star -

 

[standswithcourage]

Rhonda - we are all thinking about you and understand. Hugs.

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm glad they got some sleep.
Boy, things change from moment to moment, don't they?
Best of luck with-the dinner and the motel.

 

[Nomad]

Your neighbors might be good people, but are likely to change their tune if there are several annoyances on several days...the "stuff" difficult children tend to do. Of course, being annoying is just where it begins.

It's too bad you and your daughter couldn't meet at a restaurant.

The low cost hotel sounds okay. How many days would you being willing to pay for this though? I think it might be a good idea to set a boundary here. For example...I'll pay for three days at this hotel. Afterwards, I think you guys should think about finding alternate arrangements or going back home.

Will your daughter consider going to the counseling center?

It sounds like you are hoping against hope that she will make good choices...giving you a chance to help her help herself.

Sadly, there is not much evidence indicating she can make good choices.

I understand a mother's need to want to try everything possible to help her child. Does your child want to help herself?

Be sure to look for evidence of some kind. What are the experiences telling you?

Be careful to protect yourself and understand that its very possible your child will have to hit rock bottom, before she can inch her way up.

Special prayers for tonight...and the next frew days. Hang in there.

 

[Rhonda]

Well, it wasn't as bad as I expected.. (dang... don't expect!!)..

She looked awful. Piercing's everywhere!! She look beautiful!! What a smile! It was so nice to smell her again.. to feel her hugs... WOW... It was so nice to put her in that car and say call me tomorrow so we can talk.

That said!! SO and I agreed to an hour or two to devote to these difficult child's max. They came in and were extremely polite..but we took no chances..stuck to them like glue. Both boys immediately introduced themselves to SO and shook his hand. One of the boys ask permission to brush his teeth and hinted that he would love a shower. Other than that, just very nice. They said that they are excited to be in CA and hope that they are able to find jobs quickly. I was skeptical but wished them luck. They were not on drugs that either of us could tell.. just dirty from nonstop travel. I fed them a big dinner. They all ate well and were very gracious and cleaned up after themselves.. They had already discovered that the shelters were filled and they had no where to go but did not ask to stay with us. SO and I had agreed ahead of time and so when they got ready to leave I gave them $60 because I had already found a $59.00 hotel room for them. I gave them directions and said good luck. One of the boys called his mom and asked her if she would back the room with a credit card and told her that they were paying for it with cash. They all were very thankful and called to get directions on the way.

We really did not get a chance for my difficult child and I to talk. In all honesty. My difficult child looked the worst of the 4. But she has already called twice to thank me for giving them the money for the hotel and given me their room number.

So, all that said.. MY Opinion... I think she wants to change.. I don't think she will. I think she is young and the first failure she has (or maybe just tomorrow will come), she will resort right back to drugs and bad things in general.

She is excited and wanting to have fun and live life a different way than she has been. But she has no idea of the work that will be involved. But... those are just my thoughts... I will listen to her.

The only conversation we did have was brief but I told her that I did not expect anything from her. That to do that was to make her feel like she had to live up to something for me to accept her or love her and that is not the case. I told her that I want her to live her life in a way that makes her happy. I told her I will help her if she wants a life that will work to achieve those things without hurting others (including me).

Hope that does not scare you all too much. I mean that in the most loving way. But, rest assured that it also means that my help to her will be in the way of holding a hand. Going with her to therapy if she asks (I will not offer). Walking beside her down a hard road or letting her do it alone, whichever way she has to do it. Love forced is no love at all..

She will be tenacious when it comes to holding on to her imaginary independence. She has found her identity in drugs and brokeness and will guard it with all the strength she has. My love will have very little attraction for her. But it will be there. I am so glad I was able to see her again.

I did cry after she left.. but my joy in seeing her after so many months overcame it pretty quickly..

Thanks to you all for getting me through these last two days.. I will start a new post for the next episode.. "hope it is just that and not a crisis"....
Rhonda.. slightly less wilting magnolia..