difficult child gets ride to detox but has other ideas

[HereWeGoAgain]

I got this second hand from wife so some of the details are unclear...

difficult child called wife and told her that she was locked out and the man she'd been staying with was inside going crazy. She said she had to get away from there. wife told her the only place she would give her a ride to was the hospital for detox. difficult child said OK, she’d go to the hospital. So wife went and picked her up (easy child 1 stayed home with easy child son 2). She had a laundry basket with her clothes and possessions.

Once in the car, she and wife fought about her getting into rehab after detox. She kept repeating that she wouldn't go to an "institution", which apparently means "any kind of psychiatric facility, treatment center, rehab, sober house, or program". difficult child called my parents and asked them to come meet her and wife, apparently wanting to negotiate some kind of post-detox arrangement with them rather than wife.

When they got to the ER, difficult child wouldn't wait for her grandparents but ran inside. When they arrived difficult child was in the back in triage. They sent word in to her by the nurse that they were there, but the nurse came back and told them difficult child would not see anybody. wife caught a glimpse of her texting somebody on her phone, presumably to come and get her. So wife and my parents left her there at the hospital and went home.

The standing offer is that she can have a ride if it's to go get help, but even that may be too much if she is not serious.

 

[CrazyinVA]

In hindsight, I don't think I would have worried about where she is it go after detox . Let the hospital deal with her on that one. Your wife did as promised, she gave her a ride to detox.. end of story. I think that was the right thing to do. What she does once she gets there, is up to her. If she chooses to walk out, it's disappointing, but, it's her choice. You guys did what you said you'd do with the ride, and that's what counts, in my opinion. Obviously, if this becomes a repeat pattern, you'll have to come up with a Plan B.. but for now, I'd try not to worry too much.

 

[Hound dog]

I agree with Crazy.

I know it was a pain since she doesn't appear to be staying..........But wife followed through with what she told her, which is awesome. Sends a clear message to difficult child that when she is ready you will be there to support her.

 

[susiestar]

wife did great but a real difficult child can find a way to mess up anything. Your wife followed through with what she had said and she gave the ride to detox, which is awesome. Even with the only ride being to go there, you cannot force detox on someone. It is very upsetting but your difficult child sure has earned the name.

I have often thought that difficult children spend the majority of their time trying to find ways to mess up anything that anyone wants them to do that might be good for them. IF they put half of that amt of effort into something positive and productive tehy would end up running the universe, Know what I mean?? I have a cousin who was a total difficult child as a teen but had his mom totally snowed about most of it. At age 30 he finally went to college for a year or so and was truly shocked at how much less work it was than trying to figure out ways to go against everything that anyone wanted for him that was good and positive. I had to laugh when he called about this because I had told him for many years that if he put the same amt of effort that he put into getting into trouble and messing up his life into college he would have a Ph. D in less than 6 years - going from GED to PhD in that time!

 

[troubled]

My sister is facing the same problem with my difficult child. difficult child has called asking her aunt to find a shelter and give her a ride to it, then after she is taken there, she decided she didn't like it there and within an hour, she left. She said she would rather "beg on the streets" than have to spend one night sleeping on a mat on the floor at the shelter. It sure seems hopeless at times, doesn't it? ((Hugs to you))

 

[rejectedmom]

So sorry your difficult child isn't serious about getting help. Glad your wife followed through and left difficult child at hospital. Sometimes our difficult child's use manipulation tactics to try to guilt us into Doing things we do not want to do. I think your difficult child wanted an offer of a place to come home to either yours or her grandparents. She figured she could do the couple of days in detox to get home. When that didn't happen she revealed that she wasn't ready to take charge of her addiction. Painful to watch and painful to live as a parent. Keep doing what you are doing. Rides to the doctor, a sandwich or a meal here and there, helping with paperwork when necessary, use of the phone for important stuff is all that I dofor my difficult child anymore. I'm still trying to decide what to do about the supposed baby his girlfriend is carrying. But that is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

In hindsight, I don't think I would have worried about where she is it go after detox . Let the hospital deal with her on that one. Your wife did as promised, she gave her a ride to detox.. end of story. I think that was the right thing to do. What she does once she gets there, is up to her. If she chooses to walk out, it's disappointing, but, it's her choice. You guys did what you said you'd do with the ride, and that's what counts, in my opinion. Obviously, if this becomes a repeat pattern, you'll have to come up with a Plan B.. but for now, I'd try not to worry too much.

Yes, ideally, wife would have simply driven her to the ER and resisted engaging on the topic of "what next?" - she is not quite there yet in terms of detachment, but every disappointment moves us a bit closer.

I do think that at some point, the response to such a call will change from drop everything and dash off to get her, to "I think you'd better call 911" or "have you looked into picking up a bus schedule?" But maybe difficult child will decide to follow through before we reach that point - I hope.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

I think your difficult child wanted an offer of a place to come home to either yours or her grandparents. She figured she could do the couple of days in detox to get home. When that didn't happen she revealed that she wasn't ready to take charge of her addiction.

Yes, I believe you are exactly right. Hopefully next time she really will be ready to follow through. She has to be brought to the realization that finally, after all these years, moving "home" is no longer an option. In her letter that she wrote a couple of weeks ago, she said that she has to get better on her own, without being under lock and key or 24-hour surveillance - well, she has to learn that on her own really does mean on her own, not "at your house but on my terms".

 

[rejectedmom]

she said that she has to get better on her own, without being under lock and key or 24-hour surveillance - well, she has to learn that on her own really does mean on her own, not "at your house but on my terms".

I totally agree with you I also think that she is being unrealistic in her thoughts of "on her own" An addict initially does need to be under surveillance because their addictions are so out of control. She also needs support that she isn't going to get if trying to be totally on her own. Unfortunately addiction and GFGness do not go hand in hand with rational thought.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Postscript: difficult child called my parents and asked them to get her things from wife and bring them to her, which they did. Met her outside a dollar store and handed over her laundry basket. She asked my dad to buy her some milk and sugar, which he refused to do. He told her that they would help her get help but not spend a penny for her to continue as she is. He said the image of her walking off down the street with all her worldly possesions in a laundry basket was burned into his mind, and he has a very bad feeling. But Mom says she thinks difficult child is a survivor or she never would have lasted this long, and the only question is how much more misery she will put herself and the rest of the family through before she finally wants out of that world for good. I tend to agree with Mom but have been fighting off that same foreboding.

 

[elizabrary]

I think the hardest thing is doing nothing waiting for something to happen. I know my mind can come up with all kinds of horrible events- most of which have never occurred. Sorry you are going through all of this, but you are all doing the right thing. So glad your parents are on board. I think it's very hard for grandparents to watch these kids go through this and not jump in and "save" them. I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts!