difficult child is truly evil....

[recoveringenabler]

Oh boy. JKF, I'm sorry. Can you get a restraining order, your locks changed, a surveillance system which you trust, all the same things I remember talking to you about the last time he was headed home. Are there any warrants out for his arrest in your town? Can you go to the police and let them know and ask they to patrol more once he shows up?

I am so very sorry. Make sure you and your family are safe.

Keep posting JKF, let us know how you are..........sending you hugs.............

 

[Calamity Jane]

There are home alarm systems that can be visually monitored from a smartphone or laptop. If you leave the house, you can scan the system to be sure he's not walking around your property. It's terrible that it's come to this. RE's idea of a restraining order is a very sensible idea. I'm so terribly sorry for all you and your dad and your family have been enduring. How is he getting 3,000 miles across country? Please be safe.

 

[JKF]

Thank you for the prayers. I'm just so sick to my stomach and am dreading all of the craziness that's to come. I was finally doing better and also easy child is doing better than ever. He's heavily involved in Boy Scouts and has a nice group of friends. He's really doing well without difficult child's influence and constant drama and I'm so angry and sad and scared because I know our peaceful days are over once difficult child sets foot back in NJ. I'm happy that he'll be gone from my dad's life but I'm devastated he'll be back in ours. How horrible to say but it's how I feel! He's severely damaged and he damages everyone around him. He refuses to get help and it's just a devastating cycle that I want no part of. He is worse than EVER before and it is with something FAR beyond bipolar. He's most definitely a sociopath and his behavior is bordering on psychotic at this point.

Anyway, we have a basic alarm system but I really like the video monitoring and phone app control idea. As for the restraining order it's definitely something I'm more then willing to get but the way I see it is that if difficult child really wants to hurt us he'll find a way to do it. He won't care about a restraining order. Stuff like that means nothing to him. He's threatened to burn our house down in the past. I fear he'll do something like that while we're sleeping or somehow get in and hurt us. And what about when easy child is out playing in the neighborhood or riding his bike. What if difficult child somehow lured him away and hurt him. Ugggh! You have no idea of the things going through my head right now.

As for how he's getting home, I believe the Morman church out there is footing the bill for a bus ticket across country. So if he leaves tomorrow he'll be back on Tuesday which is husband's birthday. Omg. I have no words. I just want to pack up my family, abandon my house, and run!




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[Childofmine]

JKF, I am worried about you and for you too. From what you are saying here, it's way beyond anything I have dealt with before. Is there someone who can actually confirm if and when he does leave the West Coast? Maybe it won't happen, is what I am hoping.

And if it does, I think you need to make a plan now that assures you as much protection as possible. I would take out that restraining order and tell him you have done so, and not to come there or you will immediately call the police.

I know that won't or can't stop someone who is determined to hurt you, but it puts him on notice. I would also have a discussion with the police about him and get their advice.

Also, can you leave town for a few days if you confirm that he is coming? Nothing---no property---is as important as you and your family's safety.

What else can you do? I'm wracking my brain. Hugs to you tonight. We care about you and are ready to help and listen.

 

[BusynMember]

JFK, be prepared then to be in control of the situation.

You do not have to answer his phone calls or texts even if he does it 200 times a day. That is actually harassment and the police will stop it if you report it. Keep that phone on vibrate and maybe, if you can, decide not to respond to him or to get angry at him for doing what you KNOW he will do.

Make sure your locks are changed and if he comes by CALL THE POLICE. He is tresspassing onto your property. He doesn't live there anymore...no need to worry about eviction for you, thank God. As soon as you see him on your property, call the cops. Do not engage him in any screaming, yelling or even talking. He could hurt you.

Do not give him no for an answer. Don't answer him at all. After what he did, I can't imagine it would be too hard for you to not even listen to his demands. Don't talk. That fuels them. Act.

Do.not.allow.him.the.chance.to.destroy.you. It is your option NOT TO LET HIM. Do NOT let him spend even one night back home because of what happened with your father...he may say he lives there; cops may believe it; then you have eviction on your hands. Don't even let him in the house. He could steal from you, destroy things, or harm you.

Maybe get some friends to be a support system for you. If not, see a therapist to help you through this. This would be a great time to join a Narc-Anon group because you are afraid and you need others who are willing to give you extra support right now. I think, if you go, that will happen. Your story is so appalling. But I'm sure you are not the only person who had to take desperate measures to keep a dangerous adult child out of the house.

Maybe call the police BEFORE he comes to NJ, as you know he will, and ask about options or suggestions. They deal with this stuff all the time. They could help.

Bottom line: Resolve to not allow him to destroy you. Do not give him an inch. Do not engage him. Do not text him. Do not read his texts, if you can restrain yourself. He isn't going to tell you the truth about his plans for you.

Is it possible to go away for a while and stay with somebody else he wouldn't think of? Then you can tell the cops that you won't be home and nobody should be there...could they make extra trips past your hosue? Not a perfect solution. He could damage the house, but at least YOU would be safe.

Maybe it was good that you got the heads up on FB. That gives you a chance to get in contact with many people, change your locks, go to the cops in advance, go to Narc-Anon, see a therapist....just get your act together without further engaging him which will only throw gasoline on a burning blaze. YOU HAVE TIME! Don't go anywhere without carrying your cell phone. Try to bring a friend with you if you need to go out (I know this isn't easy).

Remember that Warrior Moms of the World (that's us) are on call 24/7, every single day of the year, even Christmas. We are also here if you need us.

"God grant us the SERENITY to accept the things you can not change,
the COURAGE to change the things you can,
and the WISDOM to know the difference."

Big hugs for your hurting heart and strong arms to help protect you.

 

[Echolette]

JKF,
can you talk to the local DA? They are the ones who can handle a restraining order if you feel unsafe. Can you text JT and tell him not to come to your house? When I had to get a restraining order against SO's ex wife, who told me by text that she would not rest until we were both face down in the dirt (this was two years after they split up), they told me I first had to prove that I had told her to stop. In my case I had to send her a certified letter saying to stop texting etc, or I would get a restraining order. Maybe there is something like that in your town. At least they will be alert.

I pray for you and your family.

Please stay in touch.

 

[Echolette]

JKF,

my SO just suggested you can hire security...we are not far from you, I think, and can give you the name of a company. We can inbox message each other if you would like. Maybe just for the first few days he is home, till you figure out his mood...

Hugs don't seem like much to offer here.

Echo

 

[nlj]

I'm worried about you JKF.
Keep posting and let us know how you are.

 

[Hopeless]

JFK Hugs to you and your dad. I'm so sorry.


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[recoveringenabler]

Thinking of you today JKF, sending caring thoughts, prayers and many hugs..........

 

[BusynMember]

Please keep posting so we know you're ok.

 

[jeanne in CA]

Hi JFK, I am so sorry to hear about your problems. My parents are both gone and I cannot imagine the horror of having our difficult child hurting them like yours is hurting your dad.

On the other hand, as awful as it may be to contemplate, maybe it is best if he does come to NJ where you probably have the best opportunity to protech both you and your dad. I agree with the advice here. If it were me I would do the following:

1. absolutely refuse to respond to any communication from him regardless of what he says, 2. follow up on the restraining order using the texts, emails, and voice mail messages as evidence of harrassment, 3. See if the police will do a preemptive strike and warn him not to try to contact you, 4. Get copies of the communcations he sent to your dad and check into a restraining order for your dad also. 5. Change the locks and/or get an alarm system and USE it. (Like dummies, we failed to use ours) 6. Make sure he has no access to your mail box where he can intercept mail and steal checks, etc. (Ask me how I know about this.)
7. Consider advising the neighbors/neighborhood watch if applicable. 8. Make sure all your passwords and ids are absolutely unbreakable. (again, personal experience) 9. Think about installing security cameras if at all possible. 10. Put yourself first regardless of what he does.

Sending caring thoughts your way.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh again...so sorry. The poster above made me think about security cameras...you can get a couple of camera's that hunter's use and install them outside your house and they will take pictures of anything that moves. At least you will have proof if he shows up when you are either sleeping or not at home.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Wow, all such great ideas. I am so, so sorry for what you are dealing with. Please stay safe and post to let us know that you are okay!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Don't talk. That fuels them. Act.

call the police BEFORE he comes to NJ, as you
know he will, and ask about options or suggestions.

Resolve to not allow him to destroy you.

MWM gave excellent advice: Resolve not to let him destroy you. Resolve to prepare yourself and your family.

Resolve not to live in fear.

Whatever it takes, you are going to have to stand up to him JKF, to reclaim your life.

If you do not have a way to protect yourself now, make a plan. Don't rely on the police arriving on time. Get your contingency plan in order.

No fear.

Fear isn't going to help anything.

Preparation.

That is what will help.

Pepper spray, mace...gun? Black pepper in one of those big containers from Sam's Club. Phone on speed dial, a metal core baseball bat. Fishing net to drop over his head from above. Spray can of oven cleaner. I don't know how you would protect yourself from him setting the house on fire in the night. The police will have advice for you there.

Drive easy child to school.

Get a Doberman.

Be prepared, and be bold ~ fake it, if you have to.

Resolve to not allow him to destroy you.

That is the most important battle. The one in your mind...are you going to be able to protect yourself from your own child, JKF?

Can you do it, do you think?

Cedar

 

[JKF]

I'm sorry I didn't post much over the weekend. I needed some time to clear my head and come to terms with what's happening. It was beautiful here this weekend and my husband and I worked outside in the yard. He's building a new shed and I was gardening. I just love being out there. It brings me such peace. I also love spending that time with my husband.

Anyway, difficult child will be back on Friday. He leaves Idaho today at 11:30 am. He texted me Sunday morning saying he needs a ride from the bus station in Newark to Morristown. I told him sorry but no. He needs to figure it all out himself. I gave him the numbers to social services and also the MHA and told him to call and make some kind of arrangements with them if he wants but that I will not be getting involved at all. I also told him that he is not to come to our house or the police will most definitely be called. That's it now. No more communication.

I am still terrified of him showing up out of the blue because that's what difficult child does. He doesn't care. I have alerted all of my close neighbors and they will be on the lookout for him. I have made sure all windows and doors lock properly and that there are no easy ways in for him. My husband and I have been thinking about security cameras for some time but money has been tight so that will have to wait. It's more of a waiting game at this point and that's what scares me most. I just don't know what's going to happen or when. It's like my peaceful bubble is about to burst. I hate the feeling of being scared in my own home and every day surroundings. And as long as he's in close proximity to us, no matter what I do, that feeling will be there.

JFK, be prepared then to be in control of the situation.

MWM - this is exactly what I'm trying to do. Be in control. I answered that one text from him to let him know that, no, we will not help him and that if he shows up the police will be called. That's it. I said what needed to be said, and now I will be holding firm and making sure that my family is protected.

Do.not.allow.him.the.chance.to.destroy.you. It is your option NOT TO LET HIM.

I keep repeating this to myself. It's my mantra the last few days. Do not allow him the chance to destroy you. Every time I start to waiver I say this to myself and it keeps me going strong.

"God grant us the SERENITY to accept the things you can not change,
the COURAGE to change the things you can,
and the WISDOM to know the difference."

My mother always used to say this when things were tough. I love this saying. It brings me peace every time I say the words.

my SO just suggested you can hire security...we are not far from you, I think, and can give you the name of a company.

Thanks Echo - but money is so tight at the moment. We make enough to get by and even have some extras here and there but I couldn't never afford to hire security. If I could though I would in a heartbeat. Thank you so much for the suggestion.

That is the most important battle. The one in your mind...are you going to be able to protect yourself from your own child, JKF?

I'm going to try my hardest Cedar!

I will post more when I get home this evening. I am at work and things are nuts here. I just feel like I'm tugged in every direction between work and my family and difficult child. I really want to run away.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hi JKF and hugs,
All the security companies offer very competitive pricing for the camera apps these days. If you have an existing system, like ADT, etc., you may want to call to see if you can work out a deal to just add that to your current setup. I was watching some TV show last week, can't remember which, and they showed how to set up your own system on the cheap thru Home Depot or Lowe's. I know you and husband have so much on your plate right now, but it may be worth your effort for real peace of mind, particularly if you ever have to leave easy child home alone. Stay strong!

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont know if you could swing the camera's Im talking about but I got Tony his deer camera on ebay for about 65 bucks. They dont show inside but they store images on a SD card. Now I also found an APP for my old smart phone that turned it into a security camera awhile back. I dont remember what it was but I was considering doing that when Tonys brother was still here and driving me nuts. You could just find one of those apps and then set your cell phones facing the doors at night. Oh and also...if your youngest son has a cell phone, get him the app from Robin McGraw (dr phil's wife) that is for domestic violence victims. I think it is called the ASPIRE app. It is made to not look like a domestic violence app but you can set it to record everything going on if you press a button and also it sends SOS messages. You all should probably get it.

 

[Childofmine]

JKF, warm hugs for you today and lots of prayers I am praying for you and for your family's safety and most of all, that someday soon, you find peace.

You are walking through this minefield, handling each step so very well. I am so glad you responded to difficult child and put him on notice.

You have told him the score. I pray that he respects it or at least doesn't come there.

They just keep coming back. I wish we could put a fence around our cities and our homes so they could not come here and rob us of the fragile peace that we work so hard to gain, while they are somewhere else.

It takes such strength to do this.

Please keep posting about your thoughts, feelings and plans. Please be so very very kind to yourself right now. This is some of the toughest stuff of your life.

We are here for you.

 

[TerryJ2]

I totally agree:

No fear.

Fear isn't going to help anything.

Preparation.

That is what will help.

{{hugs}}