Jaypee,
I think that it's important to have courage and walk through our fears . I have not been able to figure out how to read other members' signature lines, so I am not 100 percent familiar with your story.
My fears and anxieties belong to me. I tend to want people to change in order for my fears to be eleviated and that is not fair to anyone else . I think our adult children give us a training ground to practice our new skills (what I learn in Al-Anon). So for me, I would not cut my child off from my phone communication based on what I anticipate they might say. Because they may not. It's speculation on my part, and cutting off is akin to silent treatment which is the opposite of positive communication and boundary setting.
I would wait and see what my children come back with. If it is abusive, or defining, I would then set a boundary and tell them that I don't accept that kind of communication, and therefore have to get off the phone now. I would then stop replying to texts after the boundary has been set. It's important for me to grow and learn and push myself into uncomfortable territory because that is where growth happens.
I had a situation with my son in May where he started to verbally attack me and I set the boundary and did not allow myself to be verbally abused. I stayed firm about him not being able to use my car for a job and he finally ran outside to blow off steam (good way to process anger). He then apologized making an excuse, but did feel bad his demands and I let it go. But before I left for my meeting that night, I went into his room and told him I love him. I stayed calm throughout and never raised my voice , never attacked his character, and showed how to stay in control of my emotions . Whenever we leave the room during a conversation where unacceptable language or behavior happens , we suck the power right out of that room with us. This has worked extremely well with my son.
It leaves the door open for honest communication, and allows us to stay connected . What I am trying to say is that cutting off is a tool for protecting yourself where you need to be protected but I would not want to use it out of fear . It's the wrong motivation. Again, I don't remember all tue particulars of your situation and whether there were threats to your life and well being .
I believe that when we trust ourselves to stand up for ourselves consistently, that we can have conversations with our adult children that are neutral. If you stated clearly that you were no longer willing to contribute financially to your sons' lives, and then when they asked friendly and attached like a good cop reiterated your boundary , the requests would eventually stop. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it meanly . No is a complete sentence and when there is a comeback after no, I can just ignore it. They will get the message .
I think that in the past I abandoned myself over and over and over, but that is not my child's doing. It is mine and I have to fix it. Through that behavior I taught that when they bug me, I give in. So I have to undo that lesson now .It's more painful now for all involved but it teaches self respect for myself and others .I model self respect. I don't believe young adults respect themselves when they live off Mom and Dad and then turn that anger at self around and project it on parents .
I may be looking at this too simplistically, but that is my opinion at this point .
we had no air conditioning in the hot weather and we lived in a scorching hot state. Starts with an A. I lived to talk about it.
