Difficult Child taking advantage of wife

[New Leaf]

I am sorry DoneDad, this is all so hard. One can only take so much.

It took awhile for us to see what was happening, because like you, there were grands involved.
Everything you wrote, could be our story. Tornado has unsuccessfully tried to leave her abusive relationship many times. Each time, we took her in, not only for her, but especially for our grands.

What we didn't realize, is that while we were trying to save our grands, we were just prolonging the situation.
Their parents continued to party, and we got stuck with the rest. They did not learn to put on the parenting hat, and everybody, including us, suffered the consequences. CPS was involved a couple of times, and their goal was to reunite the family (parents and children). How could this be, we wondered, as the parents kept messing up. The answer was simple, if they do not learn to be parents, they will never take on the job, and everybody loses, especially the grandkids. Why? Because when it comes down to it, all grandkids want is Mom, or Dad.
The behavior problems of my grands parents ebbed and flowed. Years went by. Baby's grew to go to school. My grands started to disrespect us, because the parents didn't respect us. It was awful.
I began to slowly see, that we had taken the parenting job from the kids, the kids did not feel grateful or appreciative and neither did the grands.
It became a two generation co-dependency.
It was a recipe for disaster for everyone.
We resented the parents for saddling us with their responsibility, they felt they were entitled to babysitting services, food, shelter, you name it. We went through most of our savings, while we cared for the three as babies. Not one thank you. Nothing. Tornado knows how to pour it on to get what she wants. Same as your daughter, works, but only so much. Pretends she is working, but out partying. Dishes in the sink, clothes not washed, grandkids not fed. We worked our butts off, while she partied it up. Then, to add insult on top of injury, we found out about the childcare monies, foodstamps, all the help she could have gotten, but relyed on us for. It was as if we had endless funds when the truth was and is, we are scraping along. Ugh. We found out, she was getting $900.00 for food. She would buy food for her friends, they would give her half the worth in cash, so she could party. Each time she came back to stay with us, the grands were held out like bait. Each time, we fell for it. It was a very unhealthy cycle for all of us. It was madness.
How do you stop this from happening to you and your wife? Years and years and years of this?

It has to start somewhere. You are here on CD, thIs is a step in the right direction. Finding help is important.

Sometimes we cannot see the forrest for the trees.

The childcare issue is a big step. I am glad you are checking a place out, only 4 minutes a away.
If your wife would see the importance of this, let go just a bit here, have grandson in childcare, then she would have some time for herself, time to think. Maybe she would accept childcare for grandson, if she knew you both could pop in every once in a while.

I think that would be huge, to get childcare.

Change does not happen overnight, DoneDad.
It takes time to learn, understand and change.
It is good that you are here, writing and thinking things through. That is a good start. I wish I had happened upon this site years ago. Things would have been much different.

I do understand being attached to the little miracles, and not wanting to lose them. Give your grandson a big ole hug for us.
We are here, you are not alone.

leafy

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I am glad you are here- safe place to vent. I do think it is harder for Moms to kick their kid out the house- but she is enabling here to destroy everyone's lives.

I am really concerned when you say she drives around with the baby without car seat. It will only take one accident and the baby, daughter could be killed, and other people. Your wife doesn't want to lose daughter and grand-child, but it could happen in a very tragic way.

Your daughter knows she can do whatever she wants- and wife won't do a thing to confront her. It's a very selfish way for your daughter to live- and I can only imagine the damage that is being done to your grand-child not having the love and attention from Mom.

I too would like to think I could do the right thing, the brave thing, to call CPS, for the sake of your grand-child and give daughter a wake up call. I do believe that if things stay as status quo, something is going to snap, either with you, wife or daughter, and who really is the one that needs the most protection, care and love in this situation? Your grand-child.

Have you thought of this. Maybe your wife doesn't have the courage to do the right thing- maybe she says don't throw daughter out- but deep down it is a cry for you to make that hard decision to save everyone from the insanity.

 

[AppleCori]

Interesting theory, Butter.

Maybe even subconsciously?

Who knows?

 

[Albatross]

I don't have grandkids complicating the situation. I can't imagine the many directions you feel pulled.

For me, the first step would be to set an appointment with a counselor in an effort to determine exactly what direction you want to go. Getting your wife to join you would be a great thing too, but for right now just getting your own needs clarified is of utmost importance, in my opinion.

Done Dad, I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[New Leaf]

For me, the first step would be to set an appointment with a counselor in an effort to determine exactly what direction you want to go. Getting your wife to join you would be a great thing too, but for right now just getting your own needs clarified is of utmost importance, in my opinion.

I agree. I have written it before, you may want to check out if you have Catholic Charities in your area. In my city, they have all sorts of services for families. It may be a start to some very good things. These agencies have all sorts of resources to work with. When we are faced with these impossible situations, stuck between a rock and a hard place, it is very difficult to know where to start. It is a tangled web. The resources out there have folks versed especially in what we are dealing with. There are many, many folks in your shoes. It is a lonely, desperate, hard place to be.
Try to make that call, DoneDad, it doesn't hurt to reach out and see what there is for you to lean on.
I went to a see a therapist.
I needed to get my head on straight with all of the craziness. I was at the end of my rope. I wish I went earlier, she had a whole list of places to go for help.

Turned out, my Tornado yanked the kids, and went back to her boyfriend, AGAIN. It was the umpteenth time. I found this site, and it has been a lifeline for me.

If I had to do it all again when the grands were babies, I would have sought help and counseling. I would have been more proactive in that respect. I was so deeply entrenched in it, life was chaos.

I think counseling is a great idea.

leafy