difficult child Thanksgiving

[recoveringenabler]

GM, it was once explained to me that healthy folks have an intact "fence" around them, an invisible boundary line which is well developed by a healthy, intact, loving family. Those of us who were not the recipients of a loving, healthy childhood, can develop broken "slats" in our "fences" thereby allowing bad, negative and hurtful behavior through. It was a good visual for me, since it made sense and I could see how I needed to build new "slats' in my fence.

How you do that is by developing self care, self forgiveness, self acceptance and behaviors that foster self trust. Self trust is when you are confronted with a situation which is not healthy for you and you decline to put yourself in it. Self trust is knowing who has your back and who doesn't and keeping yourself far away from those who don't, EVEN if they are family members. People earn trust, it is not given freely, once trust is broken, the offender is the one who has to work to reinstate it, not you, the abused one. Abused people believe they are to blame for everything, giving the abuser free reign. When we develop self trust, we stop allowing that in our lives........... and it stops.

Until you have that intact "fence" around you, those hurtful abusive people will be able to slip in and harm you. Boundaries are probably one of the most important tools to learn to keep ourselves safe. We were not safe as kids, the adults around you and me were the offenders, so our ability to trust in a healthy, safe way is broken. Perpetrators sense that vulnerability and a perfectly negative scenario begins. Once you have healthy boundaries, perpetrators no longer make the attempt, you're safe from them.

There are always perpetrators out there, the way to not be their victim is to change our core beliefs about ourselves........

Oh, and abusers often accuse the victim of being overly sensitive or over reacting. Reality is bent to allow them to continue. Your feelings are absolutely valid. You have every right to feel as you do. The next step is to NOT put yourself in those situations where you will be harmed by the behavior of others. Your daughter and your brother are abusers. You are their victim. Stop being a victim, stop allowing them to treat you that way.

Take a break from it as you regroup and figure out your plan of action. You will be physically moving soon, it appears to be a good time for you to make the changes in your life that are necessary for you to find your power and your self compassion so you can keep your boundaries intact.

Hang in there GM. It looks like you are seeing the truth around you. As horrific as that can be, it is what ultimately pushes us to change and grow.

 

[BusynMember]

The biggest myth on earth is that ONLY family is always there for us and will love us and be there for us no matter what. This is true in some families now. If I took a rough guess I'd say families that are really pure love without rancor, forgiving, and without sibling rivalry would be maybe 40% and that could be generous.

In fact, most of us talking to a therapist about abuse are talking about our families of origin. They hurt us more often and often on purpose than any others. We are told we have to love our family...our parents, our siblings, our aunts, our cousins...we are guilted into relationships with people who treat us like dirt. The reason is nothing more than sharing DNA. Because of this it is considered not nice to want to never see your brother, aunt, mother, father's new honey bunny, sister, or father even if there was extreme abuse of us by them. We are told we are bad if we don't love and forgive them, no matter what. We hear, "It IS your mother" (meaning, she WAS the one who gave birth to you.) I say...so? A true mother, in the sense the word was meant to be, is nurturing, kind and tries to show her love. A mother is not normally seen as one who belittles you, beats you, starves you, calls you names, tells you how inferior you are to your DNA siblings, is totally disrespectful of you as a little person. A father doesn't climb into bed with his daughter and say he is showing his love. He doesn't scream at his chld, belittle, call names, or slap around...at least, this is not what we normally mean when we think of the word father. Too often, though, this IS what a mother or a father are to a small child and it never goes away unless we learn how to move on...with help. It is hard to do ourselves.

We even forgive them for no other reason than we were created in a person's womb and delivered by a man's sperm, certainly usually not in a sacred act that was known to be creating us. We are born at random.

These two truths...that some woman had us in her womb and some man had some good sex and hit the egg is not a realistic or sensible reason to have to love those people. And the fact that a few other spersms and eggs were created by the same people also doesn't guarantee they will be good people or that we have to love them, but it is almost sacrilegious to think that you don't even LIKE them, let alone love them. I have thought about this a lot. So I should love my abusive sister, who calls me crazy and borderline and says I'm loony every time she doesn't agree with me, just because she was created by the same two goofy people I was. She cuts me off for months or years, but she is my sister and we sort of look alike so I have to love her or I am a bad person. I am supposed to love my mother who gave birth to me just because...even though she told anyone who would listen how horrible I was and deliberately turned the rest of my crazed DNA collection against me...and they all let her do it. I'm supposed to love her even though she didn't even acknowledge me as her daughter at death. But she gave birth to me. How nice of her (like she had a choice here...this was pre-abortion) and for that I need to love her or I'm a bad person.

Long ago I questioned those beliefs. It never made sense to me why some people take care of their elderly mothers to their deaths while being abused and cussed at and even disinherited after they, and they alone, made sure Mom or Dad was comfortable in those last years...and favorred Sis and Bro let you do it and did nothing to help, but got all the kudos. That makes no sense to me.

But I weird. I ask a lot of questions I think too much, or so I've been told. And I'm too logical.

Even in this day and age people are brainwashed into having to love all of their DNA members. THIS IS A FORM OF GASLIGHTING!

in my opinion, and I speak for nobody but me, I do not see how it makes sense to love somebody for any reason if they abuse you UNLESS they are a child you love...there is a difference. But we still don't have to allow them to ruin our lives. Nobody in the world should have that power. If you believe in a higher power, only that entity has that right and, if you don't, NOBODY has that right.

I'm venting because of my recently throwing up my hands even at 90 year old dad screaming at me about not contacting him and disinheriting me. At one time I would have been so crushed I may have called him 100 times and even driven to his apartment when I was in Illinois and then also shivered over not getting his money, since we do not have money. Today? I DON'T REALLY CARE. I'm just mad at me that I didn't tell him not to abuse me at an earlier time, like I did my other DNA creations.

Without the drama and hate in your life, it is amazing how beautiful the world is...how lovely every moment is that passes. I'm never going to allow any person, no matter how, to make a wonderful life of sunshine and roses turn into a storm just because of what that person thinks of me. It won't happen again. I'm just sorry it took so long to learn this life's lesson. I am in control of my happines. Nobody else is.

 

[2much2recover]

I'm never going to allow any person, no matter how, to make a wonderful life of sunshine and roses turn into a storm just because of what that person thinks of me. It won't happen again. I'm just sorry it took so long to learn this life's lesson. I am in control of my happines. Nobody else is.

Me too! I can't agree more.
Both of my birth parents are long deceased but they were good people. Due to the loss of one of my sisters at (her) age of nine, my parents just weren't emotionally available. They kind of shielded their own hearts from further hurt. This left me with siblings who are very dysfunctional and I walked away from them many years ago actually right around the holiday season. I said to myself: "Self, would you rather sit at a table surrounded by dysfunctional people because they are your "family" or be alone or make plans with friend?" I chose the latter. (Except daughter sister until she passed 2 years ago)

We are told we have to love our family...our parents, our siblings, our aunts, our cousins...we are guilted into relationships with people who treat us like dirt. The reason is nothing more than sharing DNA. Because of this it is considered not nice to want to never see your brother, aunt, mother, stepfather, sister, or father again due to the person's extreme abuse of us.

I often say that I "hated" my (maternal) grandmother and it just really shocks people. Why? Well she was a mean, angry and a manipulative bit*h. She also was the only one ever in my family to physically abuse me. She would hit the backs for my legs with the old fashioned wire type flyswatter with the wire just because I was passing by and within her reach! (I was afraid to tell anyone) also a lot of sexual abuse went on under her roof as well. She would be very mean to me and my siblings and my mom too, even though my father was not only providing for his own family but paying the majority of her bills too. I think the sociopath in her couldn't stand to have her ego deflated by someone else getting the credit for her lazy life so she took it out on mom and the kids. Anyway when my therapist brought up to me where I thought this sociopath behavior my daughter displays was coming from (by the way the 1st and only person who ever asked me that question) I knew instantly is came from "Granny" My do I hate that term LOL