difficult child transported by police to phosph -

[So Tired]

slsh writes:

We cannot force treatment on our adult kids. We can't force safe environments, safe housing, safe employment. We cannot force education or hygiene or even legal behavior. Our hands are tied, regardless of whether we're guardians or not. We've tried to prepare them, we can continue to offer them resources, but we have to at some point start letting go and let them find their way. quote]


This was so well put by Sue and it is the basis of the feelings of frustration and helplessness we face when trying to help our difficult children.

Steely you absolutely did the right thing for you and for him! Who knows how things could have escalated? You did the right thing by staying calm and keeping a bad situation from getting worse. You are very brave. I hope I can be as strong in my decisions....

The others are right. Take some time to heal your spirit while you know he is safe and being cared for. Know that you are being thought of and cared about by all of us, and we are all sending healing thoughts your way.

 

[janebrain]

Also, Steely, not only are you safe but he is too. Imagine how scary it must have been for him to be so out of control. He needed a strong mom who could do the right thing and give him a secure place to be where he can't hurt himself or others.
Hugs to you,
Jane

 

[DammitJanet]

Im chiming in too to let you know how glad I am to hear that both you and Matt are safe this morning. Im sorry to hear that things spiraled back out of control again but glad the police responded the way they did. Let the professionals deal with the medications. You worry about you for now.

Physical violence is a line that Matt needs to know just cant be crossed. If that means he can never live at home again then that is what it means. Work with the social workers at the phospital to find all the services available to help him. There are most likely group homes that teach independent living skills and then group homes for adults. Help is out there you just have to beat the bushes. Fran might have some leads on this in Texas. But you can worry about this in a few days after you settle down.

Again...Im glad you are both safe right now.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I've been busy the past few days and am just catching up. Steely, I am so sorry that you are going through all this. My heartfelt prayers are with you and Matt.

 

[Star*]

Steely -

Actually - by telling them you COULD NOT see him - you did you BOTH a huge favor. By saying you can't deal tells staff this is VERY SERIOUS - and gets you and him more help.

And WHY would anyone FORCE you to see a child? OMG - that is krap. He hit you, you fell, he broke your phone....he said you were his Minion and had delusions....yeah - I want to go be around that - Don't bother giving me time to heal and deal. eesch. People think we as parents are STEEL. I am not - I'm pluff mud. lol (don't say my name is mud either) lol.

Hang in there - HUGE hugs
Star

 

[meowbunny]

(((((STEELY)))))

Before you really start beating yourself up, do remember you tried to come up with alternative to the hospital. Matt refused it, not you, not his father. I don't care who you are, you have a right to be safe, especially in your own home. When a person claims to be God and you his minion, hits you in the back and knocks you to the ground, you are not safe. When you have to call for help outside while hiding in the bushes, you are not safe. Sadly, neither is your son. He is not safe from himself, he is not safe from doing serious damage to you, your home, his life. You had no choice but to seek help.

The fact that you chose to have him sent to the best hospital you knew of rather than having him sent to jail speaks volumes. You did what was best for your son regardless of what it could ultimately mean to you. You had to have been angry and scared. It must have taken incredible strength to get him taken to the hospital rather than just letting the officers take him to jail. You should be so very proud of yourself.

As to refusing to see him right now, I don't know if it is the right thing or not. What I do know is that if I'm angry with someone, I will say something I regret and that certainly is not what a young man needs when he is unstable. You have to be very angry regardless of how much you love him, regardless of how much you know/believe he couldn't help himself. You'd be superhuman if there wasn't a lot of anger there with all the other emotions. So, not seeing him for now is probably the best for him and for you. We parents need time to heal and forgive, too. Take this time to regroup, get your bearings, focus on you.

The future isn't going away. Decisions don't have to be made today or tomorrow regarding Matt. He is coming of age and at the stage where moving out and being on his home is a high priority regardless of your decision. So, when the time comes, remind him that he is almost an adult and needs to start acting like one. Help him as much as you can but protect yourself. Just remember, YOU DESERVE TO BE SAFE. Period. End of converation. Finis. Done.

 

[terryboberry]

Steely,

You did the best thing for your son. You are a good, capable and strong mom. You obviously love your son very much.

I have been sending prayers, "juju" and white light to you and your son. Think positively. "He IS getting the help he needs." With each step, you are doing the right thing. Stay in the present. Breathe.

This is a long post, but I'd like to share just a couple of things:
-I also am challenged with depression and anxiety. Many times throughout the day with difficult child, I wanted to run away or escape somehow. My fears and sadness would overwhelm me. I didn't think I could handle caring for my son. My dad signed himself out of a phos and suicided. I would get scared that my son was going to have the same future.

But, LIKE YOU STEELY, each time my son's issues escalate... I find that I can do it. I am doing it. Just stay in the now and don't project what could happen. There's a reason my son and I are together in this life. Same as you and your difficult child.

When my difficult child was in crisis I posted big notes around the house for myself. Maybe this would help you. The notes said things like:
"All is Well. There is nothing to worry about"
"You are Beloved (for me this means by God) You are supported. Breathe and feel the Lightness"
"You not only CAN do this, you are ALREADY doing it."
"It's OK. You are OK. Relax"

- My difficult child was on Concerta for 3 years and it worked fine and then started getting more anxious and a little depressed. They put him on Prozac. He got more anxious and started cutting himself. They upped the Prozac. He said he hated himself, hated us, hated school.... more prozac. He started getting aggressive. They added Clonidine and Abilify.
Finally at our 2nd psychiatric hospital in 4 months, they took him off all medications and really looked at him. He isn't Bi-polar, no longer on anti-depressants, and he's doing the best he has in years.

Please consider give the psychiatric hospital another chance and perhaps ask them to clean him of all medications and start over.

Thanks for understanding my intentions with the long post.

Terry

 

[terryboberry]

Steely,

You did the best thing for your son. You are a good, capable and strong mom. You obviously love your son very much.

I have been sending prayers, "juju" and white light to you and your son. Think positively. "He IS getting the help he needs." With each step, you are doing the right thing. Stay in the present. Breathe.

This is a long post, but I'd like to share just a couple of things:
-I also am challenged with depression and anxiety. Many times throughout the day with difficult child, I wanted to run away or escape somehow. My fears and sadness would overwhelm me. I didn't think I could handle caring for my son. My dad signed himself out of a phos and suicided. I would get scared that my son was going to have the same future.

But, LIKE YOU STEELY, each time my son's issues escalate... I find that I can do it. I am doing it. Just stay in the now and don't project what could happen. There's a reason my son and I are together in this life. Same as you and your difficult child.

When my difficult child was in crisis I posted big notes around the house for myself. Maybe this would help you. The notes said things like:
"All is Well. There is nothing to worry about"
"You are Beloved (for me this means by God) You are supported. Breathe and feel the Lightness"
"You not only CAN do this, you are ALREADY doing it."
"It's OK. You are OK. Relax"

- My difficult child was on Concerta for 3 years and it worked fine and then started getting more anxious and a little depressed. They put him on Prozac. He got more anxious and started cutting himself. They upped the Prozac. He said he hated himself, hated us, hated school.... more prozac. He started getting aggressive. They added Clonidine and Abilify.
Finally at our 2nd psychiatric hospital in 4 months, they took him off all medications and really looked at him. He isn't Bi-polar, no longer on anti-depressants, and he's doing the best he has in years.

Please consider give the psychiatric hospital another chance and perhaps ask them to clean him of all medications and start over.

Thanks for understanding my intentions with the long post.

Terry

 

[susiestar]

Steely,

timerlady, sue and star along with-everyone else has given such great advice. Give yourself time to grieve, to heal, to cry. See your son when YOU can, not when the psychiatric hospital says to. YOU need more than that.

I AM glad you had him taken to the psychiatric hospital by police. He has been so unstable for days. I am also so glad you were not killed or seriously hurt physically- though your emotions are so seriously hurt.

Know you are loved.

 

[karif]

You did what you had to do to protect yourself and your child. Knowing this I know does not make it easier. When your ready go see him at let him know how much you love him.

 

[butterflydreams]

I'm sorry, you have to be really hurting right now. Just know you did the right thing.

Hugs,

Christy

 

[bran155]

Steely,

Oh hun, I am so, so sorry!!

I know I am so late in replying, my computer has been on the fritz again, so I haven't checked in since the day before yesterday. I thought about you all day yesterday and worried if you and your son were okay. I finally got on today and read your newest post, it broke my heart. I am so sorry you are going through all of this at once. Forget your boss, I know your job is important, but not as important as you and your son's safety.

I feel for you, I can imagine how you must have felt in the bushes hiding from your child. How, scared, frustrated and overwhelmed you are. You absolutely did the right thing. He has to know that he cannot hit you, no matter what!!! I completely understand how you feel, hospitalization is a waste of time, I truly get that. But in this instance you did not have a choice. You did what you had to do to keep your son alive and you safe!!!

I have been where you are too many times to count. I know all too well how overwhelmed and worn out you are. It gets so bad at times, we just cant understand how our bodies continue to work. Sometimes I feel like my heart will just give out, shoot sometimes I wish it would. It is hard to imagine a light at the end of this loooong, dark tunnel. But there just has to be one!!! There have been many, many nights I actually thought about taking an entire bottle of one of my daughters pills and ending it. The pain and frustration really gets to be too much at times. It seems everything we have done for our children has been to no avail. No matter how hard we fight for them nothing seems to change. I am in a similar situation, my difficult child will be 18 in less than 6 months, then what??? What will their futures hold? What can we do for them once they are adults? The answer is, they have to find their own way. As hard as it will be for us, we must let them fall and pick themselves back up. The only way these kids will get any better is if they want to. It has to be their choice and that is very hard for a parent to accept. At some point we must leave their lives up to them. WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES NOW!!!!

Try not to beat yourself up anymore than you already have, you did the right thing. You are a good person and a great mom!!! I will keep you in my prayers.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}

Shawna

 

[flutterbee]

((((((((((((gentle hugs))))))))))

Keeping you in my thoughts...

 

[witzend]

You know that my M left our home at 17 after an assault on husband. husband pressed charges, and they are now off of his record as he was still a juvenile. He went first to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and really schmoozed them. The kid's choices there are to take responsibility for their actions or blame the parents. M chose to blame us, me in particular. The majority of the staff fell for it, and that was just about one of the most awful moments of my life. Some saw through it though.

Luckily, as we had pressed charges, he was put into the juvenile system, and went from there to a Transitional Living Center, then when he was nearly 18 and had graduated high school - by the skin of his teeth and with our help - he started going through the parent's of his friends, then friends, until he had to find a place of his own. The whole process took almost 5 years. But we are back into a tenuous relationship with him, and he is self supportive. In a difficult child kind of way.

If you haven't already pressed charges, please do so. He really can't come home, and I know you know that. You are in danger with him there. Physically he has proven himself to be violent to you. Emotionally you are at risk with him in your home. Something has to give in both of your lives, and I am very sorry to say that this is probably the only answer. He hasn't graduated high school yet, so it's more likely that the court will look for rehabilitation rather than retribution.

I have to tell you from personal experience, wherever he goes, it is going to stick in your craw and tick you off. And, you don't have the ability to protect him or you from his actions. They may look to family to place him, and that could be his dad or your parents. I know that thought just makes you crazy, but you could insist that he be highly monitored and participate in treatment.

Please, sweety. We care about you. You have to stop living your life as a victim. You have to take control of your home and your safety. You have to recognize the things that you can't control. Your difficult child is something that doesn't fit in with that. You know that if he is out of your home and with another family member, he knows what you know, and he won't want to be there. He may abuse the situation, but he will eventually find his way out of it. You have to break out of this hole you are in.

{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}

 

[mom_in_training]

Steely, the others that have had this unfortunate experience have given you some great input as well as support. I have not ever experienced this to validate input other then I can say I do agree with the others here " If you haven't already pressed charges, please do so. He really can't come home"

I am sooooo sorry that this happened to you. Now that you know he is safe its your turn to take care of yourself knowing that you can do this safely. I would imagine your hurting emotionally and physically from his violent outburst towards you. Are you ok? Just the thought of your difficult children violence scares the bejeebers out of me. I am glad that you got away from him when you did. Take care of yourself.

 

[amazeofgrace]

it is scarey when they can flip that switch and schmooze the cops like that, really scarey, my difficult child I is also like that, where as difficult child II's buttons are easily pushed.

I am so so sorry you're going through this now. Prayers ><>

 

[KTMom91]

Steely...many, many hugs. The others have said everything so well. He is safe. You are safe. I'll be praying for you both. Try and take some time for you and get some rest.

 

[trinityroyal]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Steely,

Others have already given you such good advice.
I can only say that, if not living under the same roof is what will keep both of you safe, then that's what you have to do.

My difficult child moved into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)/Assisted Living facility last year, and he is never coming home again. He and I cannot live under the same roof. It's not fair, but it's what is best for him and for our whole family.

I think that, for now anyway, possibly for good, this is what both of you need.

I'm so glad that you are safe and that you have the time and space to grieve, be angry, heal and make plans, and that your difficult child is safe in a place where they can get him stabilized and figure out the next steps.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[TerryJ2]

How's it going, Steely?
I'm sending support and checking in. {{hugs}}

 

[everywoman]

Steely,
I am hoping you are okay today. Please post an update so that we know that you are on the road to healing.