difficult child was stopped for speeding

[Nancy]

Terry, I'm glad she got pulled over too. For years now we have been the ones who called the police on her, gotten her into trouble while other parents looked the other way, forced her to go to court and face the consequences of her behavior while her cohorts in crime walked free. This time she got caught all on her own. I know she was scared. She never cries and she was sobbing and when she got home she went to her room where she stayed the entire day and night without saying a word. This is the first time that she was caught on her own and I couldn't be happier. Paying a fine would have no effect on her. Having the cop yell at her and make her face our punishement is far worse.

Sara and dreamer, see above. I think, in fact I know, we have gone over and above what most other parents have making their difficult child accept consequences for their behavior. I make no apologies and I have a different opinion than you do about this. I don't live in an affluent area and difficult child certainly isn't exempt from getting into trouble with the police around here.

Nancy

 

[Sara PA]

I have no idea why you would take that tone with me. I said nothing to warrant it. I have no clue why you would suggest that I believe you should apologize.

But since you mention it, obviously your consequences have had little effect on her behavior. I clearly said that she would have benefited from the natural consquences -- those imposed by the legal system. If both officers had given her tickets, how many points would she have? If you don't believe the prospect of losing her license is enough to make her drive more responsibly perhaps she isn't ready to be driving.

Really, this shouldn't be about you at all but about her and the legal system. You shouldn't have to be a part of it. As I said, the police failed her.

As for whether or not you live in an affluent neighborhood, that really wasn't my point. Your defensiveness is rather startling. The point was that when police let kids escape the natural consequences for whatever reason, it perpetuates that very common teenage sense of entitlement. And it could be very sad for them when they finally learn they aren't entitled.

 

[MyFriendKita]

Me? I would yank that license and park that vehicle till I am not sure when.

I believe Nancy said she did take the car keys away, and is not letting her drive. As to whether it should be permanent, I think that should be up to Nancy and her husband. It doesn't sound to me like they're being irresponsible. I know with my son, he would have driven anyway, whether we took away his car and his license or not. He would have simply driven a friend's car, and we would still have been responsible had something happened. I preferred to have some control over his driving, which I had when he was using our car.

 

[witzend]

L just by-passed the whole teenage driving thing by not getting her license until she was 18. I agree that having the cop scare the bejeezis out of her is probably about as good as it is going to get at this point. It's possible if he had given her the ticket she would have gone on the defensive and not learned a thing. Fear is a great motivator, and most teenagers have no fear. They know what it means for mom and dad to get mad. Mom and Dad have been telling difficult child's for years "One day you're going to get into trouble and I'm not going to be there! You'd better be careful because I'm easier on you than you think!"

She did the wrong thing and maybe she learned a lesson this time. You handled it well. There's not a lot you can do to make them "get it" at that age.

 

[DammitJanet]

Nancy...someone mentioned a defensive driving course. Can you call the courthouse and ask about getting her into one?

I had to take one when I was 17. I was involved in two car accidents that were neither my fault but the courts ordered me to take one simply because of my age and the fact that I seemed to be in the wrong place twice in a short period of time. Once at 16 and again a year later. This course didnt involve any on the road driving but it was all lectures and films. Let me tell you I still remember the lessons I learned there to this day.

They showed absolutely gory drunk driving accidents, speeding accidents, people not wearing seatbelts, things like that. They explained exactly why you need to stay so far back from other vehicles and the rules of the road. All the stuff you learn and think its stupid...they explain the whys and what can happen. They show examples of what happens when the worst comes into play. It makes a lasting impression.

I will never forget one thing that they taught me: "Here lies the body of Micheal O'day. He died while maintaining the right of way. He was right dead right, but he is just as dead as if he was wrong." Gives a whole new meaning to driving defensively. I would rather give up the right of way and arrive alive than fight for my rights and end up dead.

 

[Fran]

I would imagine at this point that you are tired of being the one who has consequences for difficult child's behavior. Taking her to yet another class/meeting/therapy has been ineffective thus far. How many hours/days/years over and above normal difficult child parenting do we give up to give them another chance.

Personally, I have gotten to the point that I resent having to work harder for my difficult child's independence than he does. He is almost 24 and still isn't getting it.
I can understand trying to make your difficult child do the work to understand the need to accept responsibility for driving. Also, when they have found some success such as earning a DL you want to give them every chance to pull it together. It is a tool if they are using average age appropriate behavior. She wasn't under the influence. She was just stupid. I don't know a teen even easy child teens who aren't stupid several times in their life. Locking them up and throwing away the key doesn't seem appropriate for the crime. Having not gotten a ticket isn't the best result but it's hardly the parent's fault. We have enough battles let alone dealing with police.

Nancy, I told both easy child and difficult child that I would hate for them to carry the burden of hurting an innocent person because of their irresponsible driving choices. I asked them to imagine facing the parents of a small child that they had hit. Imagine the guilt you carry the rest of your life just to get somewhere 60 seconds sooner than if they had gone the speed limit. Of course, easy child took it to heart. I don't know if it stuck in difficult child's head or not but he is a pretty cautious driver.

Hang in there Nancy. 11 months and you have some hope of her making some big decisions that she will have to live with for a while.

I know if my difficult child just showed some progress in this treadmill of growing up I would have hope and would put a lot of energy to be his support but after a while, I become drained of all heart to continue the battle on so many fronts.

 

[Nancy]

Thanks Fran. We have given difficult child much the same talk about living with the pain of having hurt or killed someone and the pain her family would endure if she was injured or killed herself. And you are right, she wasn't under the influence she was just being stupid and handing her a ticket I believe would not have had the same effect on her as what did happen. Teens do stupid things all the time and fear is a great motivator for some.

I know you and I have worked very hard at making our difficult child's responsible and there does come a point where they have to do it themselves. This is one of those life lessons that hopefully will stick. I know years ago I got a speeding ticket on my way home from taking difficult child to the doctor. I wanted to get home before easy child got home on the bus from school. I had to go to court because it was over 15 miles over the speed limit. I was terrified. I had a clean record until then and brought husband as my attorney. After watching the mayor's handling of violators before me I told husband I wanted to do it on my own. I pled no contest, explained why I was speeding, and told the court I was upset that I had ruined my perfect driving record. They dismissed the charges and sent me on my way with not so much as a fine. I remember that every time I drive now. I was given another chance and that keeps me from speeding. We are hoping that difficult child remembers her experience every time she gets in the car. That stuck with me more than paying any ticket would have.

Will difficult child remember that chance the next time? I think that is the whole point here, trying to teach our juvenile instead of just punishing them.

rm, you are correct. We yanked the keys and she has to drive with us now until we are confident that she is observing the speed limits. I agree that I would rather have some control over the situation than have her pay a fine and continue driving irresponsibly.

witz, I do believe this is what the cop thought. I have to say that we have some of the best police officers around when it comes to juveniles. In all of our dealings with them they have proven over and over that they want to help our kids grow into responsible adults, not just be punitive and cause kids to be resentful.

Nancy

 

[janebrain]

Well, sure, she was sobbing--she got caught and was scared. Remorseful tears? Probably not. My difficult child 1 was the queen of sobbing and it usually worked. The thing I found out was that she could sob on demand, she should have been an actress.

Doesn't sound like your dtr has really learned anything--perhaps she actually will have to feel the consequences, not just hear what they will be. I know that any time my dtr managed to avoid natural consequences for a behavior she learned nothing except that she got away with something.

I remember getting ticketed for speeding a couple of times when I first had my license--I wised up after that and haven't gotten another ticket since then (about 35 years). Raising teens is not for the faint of heart, that is for sure!

Hugs,
Jane

 

[susiestar]

Nancy,

It sounds like you know your difficult child pretty well and are doing the best anyone can to get through to her. I think for the unmotivated those courses that show all the gory stuff are as effective as the "Reefer madness" videos were in the whenever they were made. I can't remember the year, but it was a "cult classic" by the time I was in college.

So what you are doing is probably the best anyone can do to get through to her.

Hugs,

susie

 

[GoingNorth]

You should be able to get her into a defensive driving course whether or not it's court ordered.

You still have to pay for it, and there may be a waiting list as those who are court ordered get priority.

I know that when I returned from Germany back in '92 and had to take a road test for my IL driving license, I was able to attend a daughter course despite having passed my road and written tests (interesting sidelight...the German driving test is 100 questions).

It'd been 8 years since I'd driven in the US and I Felt the brushup wouldn't hurt.

When I moved to WI, I took a daughter course up here. It cost me 70 dollars and took two months to get in. Well worth it.

When my mother turned seventy she paid to take the daughter course on her own even though she, like me, had a clean lifetime driving record.

I don't know how it works in the rest of the US, but I do know you can do it in IL and WI.

 

[Holliewho]

In Texas and Arkansas you can sign up on your own too. I think I paid like 60$ for mine when I had to take it. Interesting side note your insurance will take this into account and if she has good grades and this course she may get a discount.

I have to agree with you. Teens are teens and they will speed around like the little hooligans they are. Its a teen thing in my opinion. My friends are doing it so I must too attitude. I know I did (not all the time) I was pulled over twice. Once I got ticketed and once I didnt. The time I didnt he really couldnt have made anything stick because there were no actual speed limit signs around there and I was on the feeder and typically in that area the feeders are 45 MPH that one happened to be 35... I was going 46. He just gave me a warning. The other time I got pulled over for going 65 on the freeway.... they were in the process of switching from 65 to 75mph on the freeway. I got ticketed. I went to daughter and it was passed off. I only had to pay for the class. My insurance went down and I didnt have to pay a fine... worked better for me.

I also have one more input here and that is was she in a school zone? I know for a fact that many people speed through the school zones during the summer thinking that school is out so therefore the "school limit" isnt in effect. Cops see it differently my mom got ticketed going 45 in a 20 for this very thing. So while no children were around it didnt matter the speed limit is posted whether they are there or not.

 

[flutterbee]

The only thing I can recommend if you don't already have it is an umbrella policy on your insurance. I would recommend it for anyone with a teenage driver, easy child or difficult child.

 

[busywend]

Nancy, sorry for your hurting mommy heart - I know it hurts to not have your child 'get it'. I hope she learns her lesson.

You & husband made the exact right call for your difficult child. You do not need to defend it. Just because others would do something different, does not make your way wrong.
You & I know that they would end up doing the exact same thing as you if they were parenting your difficult child. We do figure out what is best for our own.

Hang in there! 11 months to go - for both of us!!