There are a number of things you HAVE to do.
1) Talk to the psychiatrist AND therapist. This could be a 'needy' matter, something he needs to get some sort of mental self-understanding for. We had this with easy child and I really wish I'd insisted on getting her into counselling more thoroughly. We'd find food sneaked but could never prove it was her. But ten when she wentto high school (which was furter away from home plus she had to travel independently) she would spend every cent of every bit of money she had (including what she earned from part-time jobs) in buying junk food. Then she wouldn't be hungry for the healthy meal I'd cooked, but she always wanted dessert. We had loads of fights over it. She still has serious weight problems and despite claiming to try to eat healthily, what she eats is so bad for me and my need for a greatly restricted diet, that I can't eat her food.
2) You MUST restrict ALL access to anything not healthy in the slightest. Yes, I know you say this punishes everyone else - but think on this:
First, food should NEVER be used as reward in any way. Absolutely never, because it builds lifelong bad habits. And Second, everyone else is already being punished for donig the right thing - you buy the ice cream cups and difficult child scoffs everyone else's share as well as his own, so people are being punished as it is now. At least if you restrict it for everyone, it's back to being fair to everyone.
Now, you WILL be tempted to buy easy child some ice cream when it's just te two of you out - but be wary of this too. Because difficult child will hear of it and get upset. And easy child will find herself in the position of 'pampered kid' vs 'hard-done-by kid' even though that isn't really how it is. And also, you're building up again, the concept of sweet treats as reward, as something forbidden but highly desirable. NOT good.
I'm not saying you have to live the health spa lifestyle permanently. But you DO have to live it semi-permanently, and you MUST be strict, at least for the first SIX MONTHS.
And in the meantime, go intensive with the therapy. You need to find out why he is doing tihs.
Now for some possible reasons for this:
1) He had a very rough start early in life. Doctors are now realising that there can be a connection to later eating/nourishment/metabolism problems. And here, easy child possibly has an explanation. In her case, the placenta began to die before birth and she was actually losing weight in utero. My doctor was onto it fast and had me in hospital on bed rest so we could help the baby build up that vital fat layer that builds in the last trimester; but despite this, she had to be induced early. She was a skinny rat when born but rapidly put on the weight AFTER she was born, that the placenta wouldn't allow before. Simply - she was being starved before birth.
Now we know what happens if a person goes on a starvation diet - it slows your metabolism and you often end up with even more weight being gained. easy child doubled her birthweight by 6 weeks of age. I've since met another woman, a doctor, whose daughter has the same problem and had the same history. She told me that yes, there is a connection betyween placental insufficiency and serious weight problems in that child later in life. So I take it further - ANY prenatal malnourishment of the baby, for whatever reason, is likely to cause this insatiable craving for calories, especially unhealthy 'comfort food'. A well-functioning placenta should prevent this, as a rule. A mother who is self-starving should still have a normal birthweight baby. But the slightest malfunction of the placenta could overturn this, and the placenta often does start to die back towards the end of the pregnancy.
2) A child who is born into a damaging, neglectful environment DOES get affected by this. In the 70s this wasn't thought to be the case. My sister adopted two babies, both over 6 months old. Different backgrounds. Both had been emotionally neglected, one had been in and out of hospital with malnutrition and we knew, from her behaviour when we got her, that she had been fed by being put into her cot with a cold bottle of formula. You couldn't give her a warm bottle, she would refuse it. And she refused to be held to have her bottle. She grew up to be very emotionally demanding, even though she had been lavished with love and surrounded by siblings from 7 months old. She grew up wanting it ALL, and would complain if her sister got ANYTHING. She would help herself to her sister's things constantly. She would raid food, raid everything. Luckily for her she has always been slim. Her adopted brother - he turned to drugs, then crime to fund the drugs. He's clean now but brain-addled.
3) He's male on the cusp of puberty. It's scary how fast their appetitite can increase, and how desperate they can be for calories. Urgently. It's a boy thing. I've had friends tell me the same thing about their easy child teen males and how they raid the cupboard in an almost whimpering frenzy - "I MUST have FOOD! NOW!!!" The best way to cope is to plan ahead and have GOOD food available for him. If that is what it is, he needs carbs and protein as a first priority. NOT sugar.
4) And of course, the reason already suggested - medications. We've had the risperdal experience andwhat it did to difficult child 1. He doubled his weight in six months. That might be OK for a baby, but not for a teenager! He has since lost the weight (some of it) but it took about two years after he went off the risperdal. He's back to his earlier wiry frame but now he's in his mid-20s, he has put on more muscle and bone so of course he weighs more than when he was 15. But he still weighs a lot less than when he was 16!
You need to tromp on this now. It won't be pretty, but you MUST remove ALL non-essential food form the house. At the same time, fill the fridge with nourishing alternatives. Make sure there is plenty of it. It's cheaper anyway, especially if you make it yourself. I personally have learned to specialise in what I call "gourmet poverty food" and you're welcome to any of my recipes. But you ALL have to do this. No having husband bring home a packet of jellies he bought wile waiting for the bus on the way home from work... any snacks bought must be eaten away from difficult child and away from the house.
Fast food - avoid it. It's expensive anyway. Finding healthy options when you're away from home is difficult (as I found when I had to go on my diet - I HAD to diet, or die). I won't tell you what is healthy in your area, because I suspect a lot of the healthy options we have here in Australai are not available in the US - it's because we have a different cultural mix here plus different products available. We do have McDonalds and KFC as well. However, you do have Subway - use them (or similar) when you're out. But the gourmet poverty food option - instead of going to Subway or similar, go into a supermarket. Buy a small packet of ham, or sliced meat, or smoked salmon. Buy some small tubs of low-fat cream cheese (to use as spread). Buy a pint of milk carton for the kdis to drink each. You can flavour it yourself with decaf instant coffee and a lesser amount of sugar (or artificial sweetener tabs, if you're watching their weight also). You open one corner of the carton, drop in the coffee/sweetener, close it up, hold it tight, then shake. You might need tp drink the milk down a little first so you have an air space to help it shake up better. But frankly, in our family we like milk plain.
Now for the rest of your lunch - in the supermarket if you like, you can buy some leafy greens and maybe a tomato and anything else you want. Or you cna go to a greengrocer's for them. I go to a hot brad shop for some crusty bread rolls, each person can ask for whatever plain bread roll they want. Wholegrain for preference, but with or without poppy seeds or sesame seeds. Whatever shape. But no sweet rolls, nothing topped with pizza. Then you take your ingredients and either go to the spupermarket car park, or to a picnic table in the area (or drive off somewhere nicer - we have some lovely foresty areas very near the mall) and make your picnic lunch. It is quick to do, it's fun to do it yourself, the kids learn more about making it yourself. Plus you can make it to individual preference. Perhaps difficult child doesn't like smoked salmon - so he can have ham. Or maybe he doesn't like tomato on his roll but will accept eating some chunks of tomato instead. What does it matter? The food all ends up in the same place!
Example - last night we had a roast lamb dinner at mother in law's. She knew that difficult child 3 will eat roast carrot but prefers his carrot raw. So she got a carrot out for him. But there she went wrong - she peeled it and was about to cut it up. I stopped her, then I fished the carrot peel out of the bin for him. (It's OK, there was nothing in that bin that was bad, it was simply the empty plastic bag the frozen peas had been in, plus some fresh potato peels). difficult child 3 prefers his carrots raw. he also LOVES to eat the carrot peel. A special treat for him is if I peel a carrot and keep peeling, so he gets raw carrot curls, a big bowl of them. But last night, he got on his dinner plate with his roast lamb, steamed peas and roast potato - his peeled raw carrot, the peel of that carrot and the little end his grandma had chopped off it. And he was very happy, because his tastes had been catered to.
Whenever I peel carrots, I put the peel into a bowl for difficult child 3. It's a special treat for him.
Now, you might be thinking, "poor desprived kid, no wonder he thinks carrot peel is a treat, he doesn't ever get ice cream or sweets."
But he does. He does tend to try to sneak food, but nothing like easy child and because we've already been through the extreme limitations within the home, the law-abiding side of the autism has kicked in. Plus he has added some healthy foods to his treat menu, without being forced in any way (other than restrictions).
There are some surprising favourites you can discover, when you begin this sort of restriction. The secret is - while you restrict junnk food and sweets, you simultaneously ADD the healthy treats and increase the supply of healthy food.
Does your difficult child have a problem with weight? In which case, you will need to modify the family's carb options to avoid all added sugar, all white bread (replace it with wholegrain bread) and swap brown rice for white. If this is too harsh, ease back as far as you feel you must. But to this day, we don't have jam in the house (except some sealed jars of home-made strawberry which I made, which we open when guests visit).
The rest of the family will benefit. Trust me. You will need to ignore the whines mostly, but ask them what it is they are wanting. When they say, "ice cream!" then say, "What is it about ice cream that you want?" Because there are alternatives.
One suggestion is (if this is available for you) - small rectangular 'bricks' of fruit juice. We have them here, they are useful for school lunches. But ONLY available in the freezer, one portion, for dessert. They take a while to eat through, because they are so hard. If you can get the ones with pulp in them, they are easier to eat (I like thme better). We get mango nectar ones here, my favourites. Other options (for the budget) - buy fruit in season, sweet fruit. Bananas are fabulous as an ingredient here. Puree the fruit (or chop it up). If you have frozen raspberries, add a couple and you get a glorious sunset colour. ADD AT LEAST ONE OVER-RIPE BANANA. No sugar at all. Now freeze it, in ice treat moulds. And teach the kids how to make them.
Some lovely combinations - banana, pineapple, mango, raspberry (optional). Or a berry combo, with banana. Or mango & pineapple (it's so sweet it doesn't need banana). You can go the pina colada route with coconut cream, banana & pineapple. Just leave out the rum, or it won't freeze!
I did say fill the fridge with other healthy foods. I used to buy sausages in bulk, and cook them a dozen at a time. I would keep leftover cold sausages in the fridge and the kids could help themselves at any time. We stocked up on carrots, tomatoes, lettuce, celery. All available on demand. The only rule was - tell me (or write it on the shopping list) when you open the last packet of something, or the number gets down to three (with tomatoes). If I don't know we're running low, I can't buy more.
Of course sometimes dinner would come round and the kids wouldn't be hungry. But that was OK - what they had eaten was the equivalent of a healthy meal anyway. it often meant they were ready for bed earlier in the night.
Even dips can be healthy. Again, if you want recipes, let me know. But my kids developed a taste for dips like tzaziki, taramasalata, creamed cottage cheese mixed with corn relish. All served with vegetable sticks. I would have a sealed plastic tub of carrot sticks and celery sticks in the fridge so kids could have a dip if they wanted. Home-made dips are easy, they can be made with healthy options (even if they taste decadent) and therefore can be really cheap.
Main meals - I cook a lot of casseroles and curries. You can make a curry without any chili, so even a baby could eat it. I'm currently getting difficult child 3 acclimatised to chili. I do a lot of slow-cooking with the cheapest cuts of meat, the cuts I have to ask specially for because few people will eat it. Ox-tail, gravy beef. Other cuts like osso bucco can be expensive because it's become fashionable, but it SHOULD be cheap. Same with lamb shanks. Now THAT is comfort food! For the ultimate comfort food (cheap) try a Moroccan-style gravy beef with mashed potato. Always make sure you have plenty of leftovers, so people can microwave a serve.
A special treat under these conditions is one I make myself - home-made fruit loaf. Again I make it to family tastes. I love it with raisins and walnuts in it, but the family nixed on the nuts, so it's just raisins. It does have sugar in the mix, but it also has other flavours such as mixed spice. I also add an egg to every home-made loaf of bread, to boost the protein level. I just add raw egg to the liquid allowance. By baking my own bread, I'm saving bucketloads of money. We slice the loaf and keep it in the freezer. Home-made bread is a very fast way to switch a family from shop-bought unhealthy treats, to effective, tasty, satisfying tummy-fillers.
As the family adapts, you can consider adding to the luxury items. But slowly, gently. At the first sign of hoarding, sneaking or avoidance of the other good stuff, you drop it off again and go back to where you were.
And all the time - stay in touch with the therapist.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. This is a GOOD thing to do. Ignore the advertising world that says "you ought to be congratulated" or "The happiest families eat product X." It's all designed to take us furter from our pioneer roots and into a world where we are so dependent on manufacture that we forget how to look after ourselves and our family.
The best gift you can give your children, besides healthy living habits, is the ability to in the future fend for themselves even when times are tough. Now is your opportunity to teach them. We can't all be wealthy, but we can still be healthy.
And a suggestion on the food wastage - teach him to dumpster dive in your own kitchen. To do this you need to change the bin liner frequently, so it's safe to do this. We use a compost bucket and a worm farm (it's called the chook house, in our case). You need to check the compost bucket frequently and salvage what you need. HE needs to bot be so fussy - again, desperation should teach this. If he really is so desperate, he will eat it all.
However, if he is combining desperation with wastefulness with hoarding with sneaking other people's shares - I think it's time for the therapist, there is something overly acquisitive about this which screams of "It has to all be MINE!". And that needs to be dealt with fast.
PM me if you want my recipes. They are metric, but I can translate if you need me to. I've got it all as a computer file (except for the ones in my head). I've been committing it all to computer so as each kid leaves home, I send them with their own recipe book printed from my file.
Marg