Do others feel this way with other children too?

[Chasejazz]

I can't get my quote thing to work right now, but I read through all the posts, and this stuck out:
We miss our lost children and the people they will never be. Unrealized dreams. I imagine you must feel that when you look back at when you first adopted Kay.
This is how I feel about Josh. I've lost the Josh we once knew and loved, and I've lost the Josh he could have been. He had SO much: looks, intelligence, athletic ability, a good loving family, and he threw it away. And in his place, we now have a lying, manipulative, abusive, profane, callous person who cares nothing about us.

This past week, I sent him $70 early in the week through Walmart for food because I just wanted to make sure he had food to eat. Then, Thursday I offered to order a winter coat for him on Walmart's site. He said he wanted one of those work coats that are insulated. Well, the only one they had was not a "pick up" item. It had to be delivered, which I knew wouldn't work with how he is living right now, so I took a chance and sent him another $70 that day so he could buy a coat. He said he would buy one today at Walmart or go downtown to Denver.

Well, I just texted him to see whether he got the coat. His response: "Sorry, I spent it on food and beer."
I was furious, and I told him I thought he is selfish, manipulative, and deceitful. I told him that it took me a week to earn that money from my part-time job, and how dare he treat someone like this. He couldn't have cared less. He showed no remorse or concern whatsoever.

I am so angry, but even more than that, I just feel so much hurt that someone could treat their mother this way and be so completely unfeeling. My Josh is gone, and I grieve the loss of him. This Josh---I want nothing to do with him.

They are the unrealized dreams that we had with the people our kids will never be.
I also know what it's like to search for some solace and find none.
I've had my hopes dashed many times just trying to get a teeny tiny sense of emotional calm when trying to do something for my boy, only to fall into a deep dark well of despair because of the foolish choices that he makes AND the utter lack of appreciation or love (or anything for that matter) that he hasn't shown towards me for so, so long.
It's sad and maddening at same time, if that's possible.
No, I'm not going to debate as to whether or not we should "help out" our adult/homeless/difficult/addicted kids, especially with things like winter gear, which could be a matter of life or death.
I'll go out on a limb and say it sounds like you were furious that he chose beer over warmth.
I'm shaking my head as a type this because I know the feeling all too well. My boy is sleeping in his car, and came by to get some mail recently. I offered him a meal and some warm blankets. He declined both.
It saddens me terribly.
Like you, there's not a lot of money to be had around here, and great sacrifices have gone unnoticed (by all of my kids) for as long as I can remember.
It's lost to me, too.
Please don't beat yourself up. Had you been able to order the coat directly, he still could have sold it or traded it. We both know that.
We do the best we can, one day at a time. ♡ ((hugs))

"Well, I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you -
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too...".
'Landslide' - Stevie Nicks

 

[Beta]

I haven't been on the site for several days and just found your responses. Thanks for acknowledging my "vent".
Copa--you're spot-on as usual. No, I never had any control over what he chose to do with it. I just assume (mistakenly) over and over again that he thinks the way normal people do, and right now, he is not normal and doesn't think that way. I keep telling myself if he gets cold enough, he can always find a Goodwill or Salvation Army and get a coat. I can't stress over it any more; it's his choice.

Busy--I thought I had the perfect, most wonderful child when Josh was little. And even as he grew into his teens, he was still compliant and a "good kid." It wasn't until he was in college that things began to change, and by the time he finished, things began to go downhill for him from that point. I try not to dwell on the "dreams" I had for him and I'm trying to just accept things as they are at this time. I'm sorry for the disappointment you feel over Kay. You did SO MUCH for her, and she had it all. It's truly tragic what mental illness/addiction can do to people.

 

[Beta]

ChaseJazz--Just saw your post too. Thank you for your kind words. The choices these kids make are just inexplicable and baffling and just so painful. You're right--whenever we have done something recently for Josh, there's maybe a "thank you" but within a day or two, he's back to his vile, profane, abusive speech. There's no true appreciation. Copa is right about one thing too---often we do things for our kids because WE need to do it, for ourselves, and I recognize that in myself many times.

 

[Copabanana]

I keep telling myself if he gets cold enough, he can always find a Goodwill or Salvation Army and get a coat.

Until this minute, Beta, I did not feel so deeply the pain and fear that laid behind the anger about not buying a coat. I am sorry.

I feel now the slap to the face (that he did not mean; he could not have known how this hurt you). Had he bought the coat you could have rested just a little bit easier. You could have had maybe 5 minutes of peace. The coat was a little bit of a tranquilizer for you. A tiny bit of insulation from your 24 hours a day of dread and anxiety. I am sorry Josh could not give you this. He cannot right now feel much empathy. But in your posts of late he has shown moments of kindness and care. A glimmer.

I thought I had the perfect, most wonderful child when Josh was little. And even as he grew into his teens, he was still compliant and a "good kid."

My experience was this too, Beta. My son was a dream for me. I had the most perfect, beautiful, adorable, loving child. From the moment I saw him until his teens, my son too was compliant and loving, healthy, stable and upbeat.

The reality I see more clearly now. The truth of my son's life was only partly about me, his mother and our time together. He had birth parents who were not me, trauma before me, abandonment before me, and genes before me. This is not only my story, it is his. And he deserves his true story. He has to live his real life. Not just the safe, happy, loved part. He has to revisit all of it. I see that now.

My son has Hep B which he was born with. We did not know this until he was 19. Since he left here at 23, he has not taken the antivirals that would likely have protected him. While I have tried to suppress my fear, I have been terrorized about the progression of this disease. He currently has elevated enzymes and viral load, and he will have a biopsy this month. I am so, so afraid. I know we are better off knowing, but I am so scared.

We found out about the Hepatitis when my son was in college and donated blood for a class. He ignored the letter from the blood bank which sat on the dining room table for a month, until I opened it. Had I not opened it we would never have known. I wonder if we would have been better off. We were both devastated. And when his condition worsened a couple of years later, neither one of us could handle it. Maybe he would have been able to stay on track in college if we had never learned the truth. But here I am arguing against my original point. That facing the truth can heal.

We need to know and fight to know the truths of our lives. As much as I hate the idea, that's what I feel now. In so many ways Josh may be plumbing the depths of his history, too. I wish it wasn't so. For either of us. I pray with all of my heart that our sons survive this, and thrive.

In my faith there is the idea that if we embrace the pain of truth, jump into the vat of it, that this will be cleansing and there can come to be peace. I understand the principle of it. And I have experienced this release in other areas of my life.

But with our children? I am sorry we suffer so, Beta. I am sending you hugs.

 

[Beta]

Copa, YES! That's exactly what the coat was about--a few moments of peace. A few moments of being able to offer love and nurture to my son. But once again, it failed. As we go into winter, I worry about his becoming sick, with no one to care for him. I find I'm really having to pray and let it go many times each day.

Wow, I hurt for you, for the beautiful boy you once had. For this new information you shared about the Hep B. I am praying for you and for your son--for peace for you, for G-d's healing touch on him, and for a positive outcome from this upcoming biopsy. Sending you hugs right back. You have given so much to so many of us other hurting parents. Please know how much it is appreciated.