<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: everywoman</div><div class="ubbcode-body">But...I still miss cuddles and tummy aches and bandaids. I miss bedtime stories and... Well pcson and I had a game that we started when he was really young---probably four or five---We would come up with different ways to say "whatever suits you." Like "Whatever floats your boat" "Whatever sweetens your coffee" and on and on...Those are the things I miss. The little intimate everyday moments. </div></div> EXACTLY......... I know I will not miss being physically needed.......and unfortunately we still have long ways to go. But I miss the little kid connection Mat and I had. He is an only child, and me a single mom, and that connection was so, unbelievably deep. Probably too intense, in retrospect. I know I did not allow him to be independent enough, and feel his own feelings, but rather felt like I always had to fix everything, and make everything better. But we still had the best time together. Exploring lazy creeks, catching frogs, building lego towers, tickling, reading stories.........OMG.........I miss being a nurturing Mommy. It brings tears to my eyes. Perhaps, though, it brings tears to my eyes, because I remember all the pain he was in, and consequently, I was in. All I wanted was that boy I loved more than anything, to be happy. And no matter what I did, he was not. I feel like his childhood was cruely swept away by mental illness, and that no matter how much I nurtured and loved, I could not make it better. Maybe I miss not just being Mat's Mommy, but being the Mommy I always dreamed about. I had never thought about that until I just wrote this post. My feelings have always been intertwined in my head into the one statement "I miss my little boy". But maybe it is: "I miss my little boy - but I also grieve over the loss of that little boy's innocence to his illness. I grieve that things could not have been different. And I grieve that I still feel that somehow I failed him." So where do I put my need to nurture? Definitely my pets. I have 3 dogs, and I baby them like there is no tomorrow. I mean, pleeaaaazzzeeeeee! I used to mock pet fanatics, back when I was young. Now, I am right there with those kooks. Recently I added the third pup, and he was just a little baby, 4 weeks when his mom died. I have projected every last nurturing feeling I have available on him.......and I love it. I know they are just dogs, but still, it satisfies that need I have to cuddle, love, and nurture.