Does anyone else have this kind of issue?

[InsaneCdn]

He was classified as behavioral disordered in school. I thought they were wrong, because he never acted out or was violent or any of that. He's just always had low self esteem and is introverted. He was bullied in his early teens and it was heart breaking.

Given your age... your son will be old enough to have missed out on many potential diagnoses. He was - and probably is - different. He doesn't think the way other people think. And because back then we didn't know much about people who were different... some of us who are different made it somehow, and others did not.

At his age, he would have to consent to this, but if he would be willing, it might be useful for him to have a comprehensive evaluation. Why? Does it even matter now?Well... yes. Because if, for example, he is somewhere on the autism spectrum, he may qualify for assistance in various ways - assistance that will remove the responsibility from you, while still providing for his needs. It might be one way to break the impasse.

 

[Kalahou]

ou are at a turning point in your life. I know this because you have found your way here and I am so glad you did. You know what you need to do but as a mom you are filled with all kinds of emotions. The most common emotion us moms experience is guilt. How can we not help our children, that's what moms are supposed to do, right? We don't want to see our children in pain, we don't want to see them suffer so we continue to give and they continue to take. This is not normal when they become adults. You know this, we all know this. That's where we start, with that awareness that we can no longer continue to give, to help/enable our adult children.

Thank you Tanya. I needed to hear all of this today myself. I printed out your post to re-read many times today.

Lea,
Tanya has shared great understanding and wisdom here. This is a turning point for you. I am still in my own turning point, trying to hold fast day by day.

When I finally decided enough was enough it wasn't easy because I had the guilt. I had to learn that I had nothing to feel guilty about. My husband and I raised our son with values and morals, we set the example of having a strong work ethic, we did everything we could to raise him into a responsible adult. It was his choice to not follow the example we set.
Another good tool is acceptance. I had to accept that my sons choice to live his life the way he wanted was just that his choice. I tried to change him but had to accept that I couldn't.

It is hard to release our hopes and dreams and expectations we had for our children. Coming to realize this loss is hard. I also feel sorry for my son, for the goodness and joy he could be having in his life, for the rewarding success and good self-esteem that would produce good returns for him. But so far it has not happened, so I am day by day trying to reinforce my acceptance of the moment as it is, and letting go of my own dreams for son, and trying to just accept him as he is. I am continuing to detach to allow him to be his own person, to be the person he wants and knows to be (according to who he is at this stage in his journey), and to allow him reap the harvest of his own actions. Perhaps his situation will change as he learns more hard lessons in his life, and perhaps it will never change. That is not my concern now. My task is to detach to allow him to spread his own wings, and for me to take care of myself to stay strong and peaceful.

Something else to keep in your toolbox is simple prepared statements.
Son: Mom, I don't know what to do, I'm going to lose my apt.
You: I'm really sorry to hear that. You are smart and I'm sure you will figure something out.
Son: I can't, I have no money, I have no job, you have to help me.
You: No, I don't. You have to figure this out for yourself.
Son: If you loved me you would help me.
You: I do love you but you are not my responsibility, you are a gown man. I love you goodbye. (hang up)

Setting limits is key to detaching. Limited contact. You do not have to answer every time your son calls or texts. It's ok.

Preparing our limited responses is good, and helps to keep emotion and involvement out of it. I am working on this. If son hears these types of statements enough, he will sense your growing detachment, and will hopefully gain confidence that you are releasing him to his own potential that he can figure it out and be on his own, however it will be. I honestly think our sons may feel guilty always coming to ask , ask , ask for help, because they innately know they are not being capable themselves. Our detachment actually may be a relief for them to set them free, even though it will be hard for them and for us. This is the turning point.

Keep coming back here Lea. It really helps to keep posting and releasing and gaining the guidance and confidence that you can do it , you can stay strong, and you will be alright. ~ Kalahou

 

[Lea]

Hi Tanya M,
Thank you so much. You are a very warm and encouraging person and I thank you for your kind words. I started to cry when I read your statement about this being a turning point in my life. Because, you are exactly right. I've known this day was coming for a long time. My way of dealing with my son has been to throw money at the problem and buy myself some peace for a bit of time. But, I always knew this was going to have to end. Last night I made myself sit down and look back at my check registers for the last few years to see exactly how much peace I've bought myself. It was over $15,000. I haven't gotten a very good return on my investment, as nothing in my son's life has changed and I'm still longing for peace. I like the "tool box" analogy. I will put the detachment article in it. I know about setting boundaries. My counselor discussed this with me. I don't still go. I probably went to about 6 sessions a few years ago. After each session, I would come home and write down everything we talked about so I could refer back to it when I needed too. This has helped me a lot. I think what you said about acceptance is major. I feel I have dealt with the grief of not having my son's life turn out how I had hoped (just happy and normal). And, I thought I had accepted him for the way he is. But clearly, I haven't. That's what I'm working on now. To know that his life is most likely always going to be difficult, and I'm most likely always going to have heart-breaking pain over it. I just need to accept this and keep telling myself that he needs to take complete responsibility for his life, as I do mine. I'm trying to be "happy", but when I find my attention diverted, next thing I know I'm thinking about him and his struggles and crying (but trying not to). I feel like I have gotten so much support already on this forum. I'm so sorry for the struggles you have gone through with your son. It must be agony to not know exactly where he is or what he's doing. You have done for your son all a parent could possibly do, it sounds like. Why is it some people just turn out the way they do? I always felt if I knew exactly what my son's issues were, I could deal with them. But, last night I came to the conclusion, it just doesn't really matter anymore. Because, even if I knew it wouldn't change a darn thing, unless he wanted to work on those issues and clearly he doesn't. I'll keep hope in my heart for my son and your son that some day they'll get it together. But until then, I'm sure glad this site exists. Thanks again for your heartfelt words, I appreciate them.

 

[Lea]

Hi InsaneCdn,

What kind of "comprehensive evaluation"? He is 40 years old now. In his mid 20's we had him seeing a psychologist who did some testing and said his IQ was on the low end of the average range. (We were trying to figure out why he couldn't hold a job.) He also said he was depressed. But, my son said he wasn't, but did agree to take an anti-depressant for awhile. We never saw any difference. I don't know what kind of services there would be available to him, because I don't think his disabilities are severe enough for assistance. He definitely has behavioral and learning disability. I think his attitude is his worst enemy, though. I have always felt he kind of "fell through the cracks", because he seems normal enough, but his thought process clearly isn't normal. He waits until the very last minute to deal with crap. He looks at things unrealistically. He lacks discipline to go to a job every day on time, when he does have one. The list goes on and on. I'm so weary trying to figure out his issues.

 

[Kalahou]

Lea,
Your last posts really resonated home with me. I understand so well.

To know that his life is most likely always going to be difficult, and I'm most likely always going to have heart-breaking pain over it. I just need to accept this and keep telling myself that he needs to take complete responsibility for his life, as I do mine.

Yes, the pain is always there with us, when our attention drifts to our difficult children. With this being a turning point in our lives, I’m hoping the heart-breaking pain will smooth out. I find myself already getting a bit numb sometimes in my feelings since I’ve starting implementing detachment strategies. Sometimes I find myself just not even having any feeling or caring for my son. It is like a callous that has built for protection. With this “non-feeling” comes some acceptance of the situation little by little. Keep your focus on what you need to do to take care of you and keep your heart and mind safe and same through this process.

Why is it some people just turn out the way they do? I always felt if I knew exactly what my son's issues were, I could deal with them. But, last night I came to the conclusion, it just doesn't really matter anymore. Because, even if I knew it wouldn't change a darn thing, unless he wanted to work on those issues and clearly he doesn't.

How right you are.

Another member here on this forum ( @Childofmine ) responded to my first thread with these heartfelt and comforting words. Maybe they will be helpful to you.

I have come to believe that letting go of people we love so much is the highest and best form of love. Letting people be who they are, whether they are homeless, in jail or lying on the side of the road high on drugs...these are adults. These are people who have had, and still have, every chance to get help and change, but they are...choosing...not...to.

They want the life they are leading, because if they didn't, they would start the process of changing it.

My son was absolutely not going to take any help. Every outstretched hand he figuratively spit on. He was going to do life his own way on his own terms.

I could not accept that, for years. I couldn't fathom it, I was terrified by it, and I could not and would not accept it.

I made myself miserable and I am sure I made him miserable too.

Seeing this, and then living with it...requires hard work to separate my thinking and my behavior from my feelings. It is the hardest work ever, because I was a person who was and is a very feelings-oriented person. I have been "accused" all of my life of being...too sensitive. I still hear that today, at times. I am a person who feels very deeply and it is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. This awful journey has helped me deal from new thinking...not my feelings. And that has taken a lot of work.

I hear the "sick and tired" in you. We have to be so sick and tired of the situation with our DCs that we are willing to do the very very hard work of changing ourselves and our thinking and our behavior. We have to be completely spent with it all, before we can do this hard work.

And the same goes for them. While they are "taken care of" they have no chance to get sick and tired enough to fight for their own lives, to want to change. Why should they? They have us to handle life for them.

Please know we understand the struggle, the terrible struggle, the wrestling, the dark night of the soul, the pain and the fear. I understand it, because i have lived it too.

And everybody is different and every situation is different. There is no prescriptive, onesizefitsall, solution. But these are ideas that may be helpful.

Keep posting Lea. We help and support and encourage each other here. Take care. ~ K