Hi BHM, so sorry for your troubles and your need to be here.
Meth. It is a terrible drug. Makes our loved ones unrecognizable. I am sorry.
My two daughters are on meth.
It doesn’t matter if your son is upset that you didn’t bail him out. His choice to steal, his consequence. That sounds harsh, but it is true.
The more we try to cushion addicted loved ones from consequences of their lifestyle, the more we enable them to continue as is.
It seems to be an endless cycle we can’t seem to get out of. We don’t want to enable him but don’t want to push him even further into this dark hole he is in.
You did not cause this, can't control it, or cure it. He is in a dark hole and he will have to recognize that and want to get out of it
for himself. What you may fear as far as pushing him even further, has
everything to do with you taking on his consequences for his choices. That is what addicts want us to believe, that we made them go deeper
by not enabling. My daughter has asked a few times to "come home" and I won't let her. It is because she does nothing to change her lifestyle, drags us through her drama and chaos, steals and lies and uses us. I am over that. These are her choices. Just as whatever your son chooses, his choice, his consequences.
Addicts are very cunning and manipulative. Nothing matters more than the next high, NOTHING.
I have a niece who is in recovery after years and years of meth use. Her parents tried everything to get her to stop, including housing her and taking care of her children. She said that the best thing they ever did, was kick her out and have nothing to do with her. That made her think hard about her choice to use.
He has no place to stay, no job, no money, can’t afford insurance on his truck. If he were to find a job, he would need his truck to get from and to work but would probably get arrested again if they catch him driving without insurance.
but maybe he should focus on getting off meth first. Until this changes, nothing changes.
I am surrounded by meth in my neighborhood. Neighbors husband has been on it for
years, he has no inclination to quit. What for? She works and pays all the bills. My nephew admits to being a "casual" user. There is nothing casual about meth. Even if one is able to hold down a job, that stuff just eats away at the brain.
We believe that deep down he is still the son we raised and love and don’t want to make any mistakes that could be detrimental for him. Any thoughts or suggestions?
I understand your concern about making mistakes that may be detrimental to him, but my dear,
you are taking on way too much responsibility for the choice your son makes to use meth. I feel the same way about my two, deep down inside they are there. Many times I said to myself, "This is not the real them." It isn't, but, it is, on meth. On meth, they are totally different people. The drug drives the bus.
I am so sorry for the pain of this, I know how hard it is. By sending them off to live their consequences, did I drive them deeper into use? I ask myself this. Then, I remind myself they were using when they were in my home. Nice and comfy. Uh Uh, not going to happen. Done.With.That.
I noticed in your signature that you have a teenaged daughter. You are correct when you write that you need to focus on her. That is what helped me switch my focus off of my two. My son. He grew up watching the nightmare-go-round of their partying and drug use. We tried and tried to help them, with no change. They just got worse. He suffered long enough. I raised them to do right. They were adults. They were literally stealing away
his time. Not alone that,
I was not myself, dealing with all the crazy they brought in to our home. It was not fair to my son that he had a broken down mom, who was focusing so much on helping stubborn addicted adult children. One thing he said that struck me, "Mom, why do we have people living with us that we cannot trust?" He was so over all the drama and chaos. It is my job to provide a good home for him, a place he can relax in.
I had to learn to detach and let my two learn from their choices.
I have linked below a very good read on detachment.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD
Detachment doesn't mean we coldly cut off our adult kids........... we love them,
but not the choices they make. The hard part of all of this, is how we get so deeply entangled with their choices, their consequences, it is as if
we take on the load for them. Recognizing this and learning to switch focus to getting our own lives back in order is not an easy task, it is a process.
That is why CD is an amazing place to come and find comfort and support. The folks here have been through just about everything. It is definitely not a topic we can bring up casually in the break room.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. If you need, find a counselor to help you through this. There are support groups, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon that can help guide you to a healthier place.
It is a heart wrenching ordeal when our kids choose this lifestyle. Please be very kind to yourself and learn as much as you can, as we say here, "fill your toolbox". It takes a lot to stand firm, to switch focus to what we can control,
that is our own reaction, our choices. We cannot control what our adult d cs do. But, we can learn to rise above and live well. It may sound selfish, but self care is what we wish for these d cs. We, as parents can be role models in that. Standing firm, changing direction and saying no.
If you have faith in a higher power, that helps tremendously. I keep my two daily in prayer. That gives me strength to get through the day. I have not given up hope for my two, just given up the notion that I am the one to help them. Meth addiction is far bigger than I am, I am not a drug counselor. My two do not care one bit the affect their addiction has had on my home, their brother and sisters.
Many hugs to you, BHM, so very sorry for your broken heart.
I know how hurtful this can be.
You can find ways through this.
Take one day at a time.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy
