Don't know how much longer I can do this (major vent)

[meowbunny]

Wish she were a little older and I'd tell you to pop her on a plane and let her visit me for a week or even a month. She'd have a ball. You'd have a break and I've so been through this with mine that I doubt it would even phase me anymore and I'd have fun with a little one around again.

I really do know how hard it is. There were times when I wanted to run away and let my child run the house at age 8. She certainly thought she could! She truly thought she should be making the rules. I remember once letting her be the boss. I stupidly thought when she saw what a disaster things were when she made the rules, she'd understand that mommies really do know best. Nope, she didn't care that the pets were hungry, that we no longer had meat for dinner for two weeks, that the car had no gas, etc. She was quite content to let everything go to pot so she could be boss. (She was around 12 when I tried that stupid experiment.)

I've said before that you hiding in your room is ridiculous. Before I'd let my child chase me to my room and leave her the rest of the place, I'd truly run away from home. To me, that's just not a viable solution. It would be okay if the rule was when I'm in my room because of your behavior, you are to go (and stay) in your room until I come out. Honestly, I'd be dragging her to her room if I had to rather than me going to mine (whether I minded or not). It just gives her too much power.

I wished I had some answers or solutions, but nothing I tried really worked. It did get better as she got older and had more outside activities. The only thing that really seemed to help was keeping her busy with activities out of the house -- camp, visiting friends, the Jungle, etc. If we were home, I was supposed to entertain her. I did finally learn that I could get her to leave me alone by making her help me clean. I wouldn't tell her how to do it and I didn't care if she did a good job or not, she just had to be working if I was working. If she didn't, she would lose television privileges for the amount of time I worked. For us, TV was the only thing that she would miss if it was taken away.

But if you can find a way to get her down here, I'll happily play auntie for the summer (we have pools, summer day camp, kid movies, golf cart rides, etc.). And, yes, I'm serious.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

So when do I need to come accross and visit so you can have a break? A couple of days that she stays with Auntie Beth she will be begging to have the mama kitty back.

beth

 

[DammitJanet]

You all can come visit Auntie Janet and she can watch her cousin Cory on house arrest...lol. She can help entertain Keyana which should keep her busy. I dont have the big pool that TM has but I have one big enough for a toddler and an 8 year old to lounge in and on the weekends Tony can take them to the river!

 

[KTMom91]

Glad things improved tonight, Kitty. My house is way too small for company, but I'm portable! I can come and play with Tink while you breathe.

 

[susiestar]

Oh, Kitty, I am so glad yesterday is OVER! I hope tomorrow goes much better.

I think Witz and Star had some good ideas. But they may be tough to implement.

Now that Dad is not with Miss Fancy A## will he come get Tink? What happens if you drive Tink to him and just drop her off? Tell him it is HIS week/weekend and to bring her home on Monday. any chance this would work?

As I understand it, Tink is big enough now that dragging her to her room is very painful, isn't it? Cause if it isn't, drag her there and sit outside the door so she can't come out until she is pleasant!! Otherwise, going into your room is your only option. What would she do if you went into her room and shut the door and wouldn't let her in? Would she insist to come in, then you could leave, close the door and make her stay there?

I do think totally disengaging will work the best. Completely ignore her if she is acting inappropriately to you.

If that doesn't work after a couple of weeks, try the tantrum. I did that in Dillard's shoe dept when Wiz was sbout 2 1/2. He patted me on the back and said, "Mommy Stop - you 'barrassin me!". He never forgot it and so at least in public he didn't have tantrums!

anyway, I am sending BIG HUGS!!!

Susie

 

[Marguerite]

We're currently just starting to try something new.

After having to deal with easy child 2/difficult child 2's sense of entitlement FOR YEARS and never being able to get through to her, we've been enjoying tranquility since she moved out. Of course it's not all bad, we love the girl and miss her, but yes, it IS quieter.

However, easy child 2/difficult child 2's method of justifying herself FOR EVERYTHING (which has made discipline difficult since she was a toddler) has either rubbed off on difficult child 3, or he's been using it all along and we didn't notice, as he was in the shadow of his sister.

But I'm not standing for it.

Now, "Explosive Child" methods would make me hold back a bit and not chide him for answering back, when what he is trying to do is explain why he responded in a particular way. In the past, it's been Basket B or C.

No longer.

An example:
husband is cutting up salad at the bench. difficult child 3 wants to get past and pushes. husband won't budge but says, "Ask nicely, don't push. I'll be finished in a minute."
difficult child 3 gets angry and shouts, "I need to get past NOW! If you had moved when I first pushed, I wouldn't be having to ask now!"

In the past we'd simply say, "You must learn to ask," and not reacted to the shouting anger because in general to do so triggers major meltdowns and nothing is learnt.

But now - I say to difficult child 3, "Let's try this from the top. 'Dad, will you move please?' 'Certainly, son, you asked me so nicely.' No shouting needed."

And when difficult child 3 begins to justify himself by saying, "Well, if he had only moved when I asked, I was getting frustrated, etc...." I stop him and say, "Hang on - I'm not hearing what I should be hearing. I should be hearing, 'I'm sorry for being rude, thank you for moving, Dad.' Now, try that again."
And I won't allow the justification.

I actually went further with him last time - "It's not your place to try to justify bad behaviour. All it does is make people angry with you. Apologise first, THEN if there really is any justification, try that. But you are in the bad habit of justifying your actions or words first, without even checking to see if you really were justified at all. Don't do it. Get out of that habit. We are no longer accepting it."

It's not as if we won't apologise (even to the kids) if we get something wrong. We have been setting this example and it's not been followed, because easy child 2/difficult child 2 has been justifying herself for years. difficult child 3 has followed HER example.

So far, it seems to be working.

I'm wondering if something like this could shut off Tink's whining? A sort of, "OK, why are you whining? What do you really want? Let's get to the bottom of this, sort if out and get it behind us so we can both get on with much more enjoyable activities."

Often they get into bad habits of reacting a particular way, or repeating the bad behaviour habits that get a reaction, without even really considering what other options they have. It's like a kid who wants an ice cream when out shopping with parents. The first the parent hears is the whining for an ice cream. The kid didn't even try the polite request first; he just went straight for the old habit. The parent, irritated, says no (again, automatic reaction) and the kid keeps it up until the parent either caves, or a meltdown ensues.
At some point, there MUST be a payoff or they wouldn't do it. I do think when a kid is bored, the payoff is, this is the easy way; dump my misery on someone else and make them miserable too. I don't like to see the sun shining when I'm unhappy.

It's a pain when they do this.

Marg

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Ahhh well.

I do very much appreciate the offers to send Tink away (don't think I haven't mulled it over) or the invite to "Chez TM" (don't think I haven't checked Orbitz for flight info).

I think her father would be willing to take Tink more often now, except he lives so far and as of yet has no vehicle.

Marg, I have tried asking her to explain why she is so angry or why she whines. She has given me "because you're mean" and "it's like there is a bug inside me that makes me this way and I can't stop it". I will be talking to her psychiatrist about that.

Thanks for all the good advice and understanding. Most of all, the understanding. I am helped just knowing that I am not alone.

 

[ML]

I agree with Star that you need a break. You get worn down from all the badgering. I tell d all the time "you're badgering the witness". It happened tonight and was the perfect ending to an already rotten day and I feel completey spent. Hang in there BBK. I'm thinking of you. Hugs ML

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Yeah, I really do need a break. Thanks, ML.