Also wanted to mention that there was a family Dr. Phil was going to "fix." This was some years ago.
Dr. Phil did not fix anything for this family.
He worked with them for some time.
The difficult child was a female.
There was a younger sister.
The parents were so much like us, like we are, here.
Over the time of that series of shows, the business of the parents, the other members of the family -- pretty much anyone who loved that difficult child enough to listen to Dr. Phil -- was all over the screen.
None of that helped.
Dr. Phil did not help them.
Another thing to consider:
There was a post here once about a professional football player -- or maybe, it was a business man. The brothers and sisters (and mom) continued with drugs and poor lifestyle choices.
His mom had him sell drugs, when he was little.
Somehow, he got out.
He made a different kind of life.
He could never make a difference for the other members of his family.
He was different than the others, including the mother, from the beginning.
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Whatever it is that is going on with our difficult children must have had some survival benefit for the species in another, wilder time. Our difficult children were probably the warriors, or the robber barons or the Union leaders.
Maybe, they were the Bravehearts or the Pasteurs, or the Joan of Arcs.
Just as there was a survival benefit to the species in the genetic capacity to hoard every calorie that finds some of us, in this more settled time of three squares a day plus yummy snacks, obese, there was a survival benefit to the hair trigger responses, to the anger and self certainty, to the impulsivity and disregard for danger, of our difficult children.
America in particular, was settled by difficult children.
Who else would have had the courage to leave home, cross an ocean, and survive it?
There was no welfare then.
And yet, they did it.
My ancestors did it, and so did yours.
Some kids can sit in school and listen to things they don't even think about challenging. Our difficult children are as likely to challenge the teacher and punch a few students on the way out as they are to listen because someone else says they have to.
There is a genetic component to difficult child behaviors. It is not a bad thing in a society being settled. In our society, our difficult children don't fit. I don't know what the answer is. Feeling as I do about it hasn't helped me grieve the loss of what I wanted life to be for me and for my kids.
But I do think there is something there for all of us to look at and consider, where our difficult children are concerned.
They are not happy unless they are walking that wild edge.
Drugs are a piece of that. It isn't that we raised them to leap at the first opportunity to use. difficult children like that edgy, dramatic feel to life.
Cedar