Okay,whew...where to begin....
To begin with, my sister did not put Josh out, as I expected she would. Here's what had transpired over several days: First, Josh lost the job he had been given, that my sister's son-in-law had stuck his neck out for to help him get, because he got upset when a piece of equipment wouldn't work right and he did not complete a task he was supposed to do...on two occasions last week. He also acted unprofessionally, in front of the company owner, no less. Second, my brother-in-law, who has been taking him around, trying to help him with things he needs to get done, witnessed him getting really upset and making a scene at the bank when the bank wanted to charge him a fee for cashing his paycheck. Brother-in-law suggested that the way to avoid the fee was to simply open a checking account, which Josh refused to do but would not say why at the time.
My sister and brother-in-law are going out of town this weekend and had initially told Josh he was welcome to stay in the house during their absence. Well, after his behavior on the job and the instances where he became agitated and angry, and the fact that they have noticed that he had been avoiding them and isolating himself in his room for hours at a time, they no longer felt comfortable leaving him alone in their home over the weekend. They also had found out (from him) that he smokes marijuana to "calm himself down" and they were worried about that. My sister said he has a great deal of anxiety, so much so that he will often tremble when he has to look someone in the eye. So he had nowhere to go over this coming weekend. Long story short--my husband and I agreed that we will put him up in a local motel for the weekend---to the tune of almost $400.
My sister and her husband had to sit him down Tuesday night and tell him that he couldn't stay there this weekend, and they (and we) were very stressed out and worried about how he would react. Would he freak out and become angry and violent? We had no idea. My sister commented that it seemed like during the first weeks he was there, he was able to "hold it together" enough to present himself to them in the way he thought they needed him to be, but the effort of doing so was just too much to continue, and he has deteriorated into what he really is. So on Tuesday night, my husband and I had to sit and wait and pray during their "talk" with him, to see if everything would be okay. As it turned out, he stayed calm and they had a conversation with him about what his next plan would be as far as work, about their desire to have him feel comfortable in spending time with them rather than in his room, and that they were "pulling" for him and wanting to help him. Josh revealed that the reason he doesn't want to get a drivers license or open a checking account is that he owes money to the state for the fee for his ankle monitor he wore during his house arrest last year. He is afraid that if it is known where he is, his wages would be garnished. They told him that he needs to be honest with them about things so they are not prodding him to do things that he doesn't want to do because they don't know his reasons.
After the conversation, they felt it had gone well and we were all very relieved.
Yesterday, I took a day off from work to try to recuperate from the stress and lack of sleeping from it, and I spent several hours trying to line up lodging for him for the weekend, as well as trying to find a new cellphone for him after his broke last week. I won't go into all the details but it was a very stressful and frustrating day. Anytime you have to deal with cellphone companies, it's going to be a frustrating (and expensive) day.
Last night, I got a few text messages from Josh, and it was interesting, as well as disheartening, to hear his perspective on all that had taken place, as well as his criticisms of my sister and brother-in-law, who have done nothing but be kind and helpful to him. His mind is so screwed up. It's scary. I told him that we and they are just trying to help him and he should show some appreciation instead of complaining.
My husband is angry about having to spend $400 of our hard earned money to put him into a motel, all because he can't be trusted in someone's house, and he's angry that I went ahead and put a new cellphone on our phone plan. I too am angry about all of that, but like I said to him, "What would you have me do? Let him wander the streets for three days and nights?" I just couldn't do it. I told him that I feel obligated to at least do something to help Josh because my sister and brother-in-law are bending over backwards to help him, and how can we do less? As long as they are willing to help him, I feel like I have to "do my part" so to speak.
I'm 99.9% certain that they will return on Monday, and he will return on Monday, and within a few days, they will finally have had enough and will ask him to leave. I know this is not going to work out. I know now that providing a calm, supportive environment is not going to make a difference because he is too messed up to function and to do even the simplest things. Once they have had enough and he leaves their home, that will be that. It's like his life is just spiraling downward and taking all of us with it, and I know that I can't continue to allow that. On Tuesday night, as I was waiting to hear back from my sister, I felt so terrible for having put them in such a stressful situation of being afraid for their safety during that conversation.
The drama and negativity of his life is creating a "ripple" effect, not just on us, but now on other people, and I know that it has to stop. I told my husband last night that buying him a cellphone is basically a last-act as his mother that I can do for him, before he disappears into whatever will happen to him, and it's not going to be good. I love my son, but I despise him as a person, and I really don't want to be around him. He is a very toxic person, and I know I have to let go. I need to toughen up and stop being so sentimental and soft-hearted toward a person who is destroying our lives. I will just end this (very long) post by saying that I feel like I am in a living hell right now.
Called my best friend. She drove an hour to find him and take him to her house. Her husband gave him clothes; they were willing to give him space to re-orient and re-start. Within a few days, Difficult Child had used her computer to view porn and her phone to repeatedly call the woman who had a restraining order on him. (reason he was in jail)
