easy child acting like difficult child this weekend
- Thread starter KFld
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HereWeGoAgain
Grandpa
I was just thinking that this experience of yours is a kind of mirror image to how PPs of PCs often seem to view us as parents with- difficult children. I've had friends and neighbors, even cops, somewhat taken aback when we've said things like "she's not welcome here" or "I'm not going to help her out" or "I wish you'd keep her in lockup a little longer".
Our two PCs were/are sometimes more easy child than "normal" just because they saw how difficult child's shenanigans affected wife and I -- the worry, the sleepless nights and middle-of-the-night calls; and they knew things from school about the kids she hung out with that we didn't, other than PCs occasionally saying something about so-and-so has a bad reputation without any specifics. They could probably have gotten away with more than they did.
You mentioned easy child's less-than-stellar driving skills. Boy I know what you mean! Aside from everything else, difficult child is the worst driver ever, even when clean and sober. Always fiddling with the radio, rummaging for something in her purse, lighting a cigarette or eating or opening a pop can or applying makeup (or all the above at once), and just generally paying no attention to the road and traffic. She has a lead foot and oversteers (a recipe for rollovers), watches directly in front instead of aiming high, habitually drives in the passing lane, never checks her mirrors and gauges, and suddenly jumps lanes without checking her blind spots. I'm glad she has no license now. She could get one -- the year's suspension is up -- but she has no car and she can't drive ours so she hasn't bothered to renew. When riding with me she makes little comments from time to time about my driving -- sheesh! If only she had the remotest hint of a clue... Riding with her is absolutely terrifying. Chicago is just that little bit safer since her license was revoked.
Our two PCs were/are sometimes more easy child than "normal" just because they saw how difficult child's shenanigans affected wife and I -- the worry, the sleepless nights and middle-of-the-night calls; and they knew things from school about the kids she hung out with that we didn't, other than PCs occasionally saying something about so-and-so has a bad reputation without any specifics. They could probably have gotten away with more than they did.
You mentioned easy child's less-than-stellar driving skills. Boy I know what you mean! Aside from everything else, difficult child is the worst driver ever, even when clean and sober. Always fiddling with the radio, rummaging for something in her purse, lighting a cigarette or eating or opening a pop can or applying makeup (or all the above at once), and just generally paying no attention to the road and traffic. She has a lead foot and oversteers (a recipe for rollovers), watches directly in front instead of aiming high, habitually drives in the passing lane, never checks her mirrors and gauges, and suddenly jumps lanes without checking her blind spots. I'm glad she has no license now. She could get one -- the year's suspension is up -- but she has no car and she can't drive ours so she hasn't bothered to renew. When riding with me she makes little comments from time to time about my driving -- sheesh! If only she had the remotest hint of a clue... Riding with her is absolutely terrifying. Chicago is just that little bit safer since her license was revoked.
KFld
New Member
It's funny because my difficult child is an excellent driver. If he told me he was driving to Florida and back I wouldn't worry. My easy child is a different story. She has no common sense when it comes to driving, but thinks she's an excellent driver.
"Our two PCs were/are sometimes more easy child than "normal" just because they saw how difficult child's shenanigans affected wife and I -- the worry, the sleepless nights and middle-of-the-night calls; and they knew things from school about the kids she hung out with that we didn't, other than PCs occasionally saying something about so-and-so has a bad reputation without any specifics. They could probably have gotten away with more than they did."
I usually find that is why easy child is so upset when she is caught doing something, because she knows what difficult child put us through and would never want to cause us anything like that.
"Our two PCs were/are sometimes more easy child than "normal" just because they saw how difficult child's shenanigans affected wife and I -- the worry, the sleepless nights and middle-of-the-night calls; and they knew things from school about the kids she hung out with that we didn't, other than PCs occasionally saying something about so-and-so has a bad reputation without any specifics. They could probably have gotten away with more than they did."
I usually find that is why easy child is so upset when she is caught doing something, because she knows what difficult child put us through and would never want to cause us anything like that.
Fran
Former desparate mom
Karen the whole easy child thing was a different set of issues that were hard to deal with. I felt like I had to completely change channels when parenting easy child and difficult child.
When easy child was being difficult(this being a relative term) I had to tread lightly. I was so traumatized from difficult child I tended to over react to small things.
As easy child got older he would use guilt. It was the "difficult child never has to worry about XYZ". Finally I had to just tell him that it hurt me when he said that. It's still his last resort weapon when he feels he is up against the wall(as DDD says)
In the end, I told him that although he was a good kid and a easy child that he wasn't done cooking and it was a parents job to guide him and make him aware of better choices. Just because he was a easy child didn't mean he didn't need parenting. Consequences are what we use to help him be aware of his choice.
I expected easy child to push the boundaries at least once. Fortunately, it hasn't been drugs or alcohol. It's normal teen stuff and I agree we don't want them submissive. Friends can undermine a easy child's sense of right or wrong.
I like the conversational tone that DDD suggests. I try to keep an open attitude but I do have a tendency to resort to being authoritarian if I am surprised.
If your easy child feels badly and discusses the issues with you, then this testing her resolve to do the right thing is a good life lesson. I remind easy child that to those who are given much(compared to difficult child) that much is expected. He can't use the same ruler on his behavior as we do with difficult child. He can lose all the privileges that he presently enjoys.
I hope your easy child grows through this trauma. It's a bit of a reality check for us too. It's unrealistic to think easy child's will never disappoint us. It's one of those things I have to remind myself regularly.
When easy child was being difficult(this being a relative term) I had to tread lightly. I was so traumatized from difficult child I tended to over react to small things.
As easy child got older he would use guilt. It was the "difficult child never has to worry about XYZ". Finally I had to just tell him that it hurt me when he said that. It's still his last resort weapon when he feels he is up against the wall(as DDD says)
In the end, I told him that although he was a good kid and a easy child that he wasn't done cooking and it was a parents job to guide him and make him aware of better choices. Just because he was a easy child didn't mean he didn't need parenting. Consequences are what we use to help him be aware of his choice.
I expected easy child to push the boundaries at least once. Fortunately, it hasn't been drugs or alcohol. It's normal teen stuff and I agree we don't want them submissive. Friends can undermine a easy child's sense of right or wrong.
I like the conversational tone that DDD suggests. I try to keep an open attitude but I do have a tendency to resort to being authoritarian if I am surprised.
If your easy child feels badly and discusses the issues with you, then this testing her resolve to do the right thing is a good life lesson. I remind easy child that to those who are given much(compared to difficult child) that much is expected. He can't use the same ruler on his behavior as we do with difficult child. He can lose all the privileges that he presently enjoys.
I hope your easy child grows through this trauma. It's a bit of a reality check for us too. It's unrealistic to think easy child's will never disappoint us. It's one of those things I have to remind myself regularly.
rejectedmom
New Member
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Fran</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I was so traumatized from difficult child I tended to over react to small things...
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I think that is fairly typical of parents who have such different children.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Fran</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> As easy child got older he would use guilt. It was the "difficult child never has to worry about XYZ"...I told him that although he was a good kid and a easy child that he wasn't done cooking and it was a parents job to guide him and make him aware of better choices. Just because he was a easy child didn't mean he didn't need parenting. Consequences are what we use to help him be aware of his choice.
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I cannot tell you how many times I have told my kids both easy child and difficult child that this is my job and that i would be an irresponsible parent if I didn't speak up when they were on the wrong track.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Fran</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I like the conversational tone that DDD suggests. I try to keep an open attitude but I do have a tendency to resort to being authoritarian if I am surprised. </div></div> Well you are definately doing better than me cause I can do this even when I am not surprised.
I think parenting multiple children with a variety of different needs is a challenge that must be met with much grace, strength and flexibility.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Fran</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I remind easy child that to those who are given much(compared to difficult child) that much is expected. He can't use the same ruler on his behavior as we do with difficult child. </div></div>
I have said the same thing to my easy child. I also think communicating is critical in situations such as yours. I have gone back and apologized to my PCs when i realized that I had come down too hard onthem due to the stress that my difficult child's had imposed on the household. I found them to be very receptive and forgiving when I admitted my mistakes. When they used difficult child's as guidelines for their behaviors I would simply say "do you really want to be like difficult child? I expect more from you because you are capable of more. I only ask for your best effort whether it be your grades or your behavior." -RM
</div></div>
I think that is fairly typical of parents who have such different children.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Fran</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> As easy child got older he would use guilt. It was the "difficult child never has to worry about XYZ"...I told him that although he was a good kid and a easy child that he wasn't done cooking and it was a parents job to guide him and make him aware of better choices. Just because he was a easy child didn't mean he didn't need parenting. Consequences are what we use to help him be aware of his choice.
</div></div>
I cannot tell you how many times I have told my kids both easy child and difficult child that this is my job and that i would be an irresponsible parent if I didn't speak up when they were on the wrong track.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Fran</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I like the conversational tone that DDD suggests. I try to keep an open attitude but I do have a tendency to resort to being authoritarian if I am surprised. </div></div> Well you are definately doing better than me cause I can do this even when I am not surprised.
I think parenting multiple children with a variety of different needs is a challenge that must be met with much grace, strength and flexibility.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Fran</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I remind easy child that to those who are given much(compared to difficult child) that much is expected. He can't use the same ruler on his behavior as we do with difficult child. </div></div>
I have said the same thing to my easy child. I also think communicating is critical in situations such as yours. I have gone back and apologized to my PCs when i realized that I had come down too hard onthem due to the stress that my difficult child's had imposed on the household. I found them to be very receptive and forgiving when I admitted my mistakes. When they used difficult child's as guidelines for their behaviors I would simply say "do you really want to be like difficult child? I expect more from you because you are capable of more. I only ask for your best effort whether it be your grades or your behavior." -RM
I was talking to difficult child 2's therapist about this yesterday. I told him that I had had a big fight with her the other day and part of it was triggered by her behaving in a difficult child 1 way and I overreacted. I told him I was unable to "validate" her feelings about something she is disappointed in and I was just too upset to feel bad about her feelings. But I did apologize later and told her I did feel bad about her disappointment (she has attended a creative writing camp the past two summers but can't this summer because she has to do school and we can't afford it). Her therapist said that was more important than the original blowup--he said we are always going to be less than perfect parents but if we can apologize and talk about it later that is the important thing.
I think I have gotten better at not overreacting but still have a ways to go. It was just so demoralizing when I realized she wasn't going to sail through the teenage years--she wasn't going to be perfect anymore. I felt like I couldn't bear it after what her sister had put me through. But, she really is not her sister and I am optimistic that she will return to being a easy child in a few yrs.
Jane
I think I have gotten better at not overreacting but still have a ways to go. It was just so demoralizing when I realized she wasn't going to sail through the teenage years--she wasn't going to be perfect anymore. I felt like I couldn't bear it after what her sister had put me through. But, she really is not her sister and I am optimistic that she will return to being a easy child in a few yrs.
Jane
KFld
New Member
Last night easy child was already getting tired of being grounded, on her 3rd day, and started making remarks like, difficult child was never grounded, he did anything he wanted and never got in trouble. I know she was just trying to get me to back down on the grounding, it didn't work though. I don't think she really truly belives that he got away with everything, because she was a witness to what went on. I reminded her of what difficult child put me through and that one had nothing to do with the other. I told her difficult child was punished many times and that we tried many things, though none of them ever worked, and that is why he no longer lives home. I told her if she would like to continue to argue about following the rules, that she could move out when she is 18 also :smile:
I know she was talking out of fustration of being stuck in the house, but oh well!!!
I know she was talking out of fustration of being stuck in the house, but oh well!!!
Karen my easy child has had her difficult child moments her jr yr as well.
Alot came from peer pressure and being with the wrong peers.
She wanted to get caught. It gave her the excuse to blame me instead of standing up to the girls and walking away.
Funny, after her punishment (parked that car for three weeks period!) she would come home and tell me what those girls were doing now and how much trouble they were getting into and how glad she was that she wasn't with them! I reminded her that she WAS with them and doing those things weeks ago and she said she was lucky because she had a mom that expected more from her than that!
She also has the excuse ~ No, if my mom found out she will take my car for a mth and you know she will.
She also is watching her bro from a distance and seeing how hard it is to survive in this world. When I say you can leave at 18 too if you don't like the rules she laughs and says she is never leaving she sees how hard it is.
Alot came from peer pressure and being with the wrong peers.
She wanted to get caught. It gave her the excuse to blame me instead of standing up to the girls and walking away.
Funny, after her punishment (parked that car for three weeks period!) she would come home and tell me what those girls were doing now and how much trouble they were getting into and how glad she was that she wasn't with them! I reminded her that she WAS with them and doing those things weeks ago and she said she was lucky because she had a mom that expected more from her than that!
She also has the excuse ~ No, if my mom found out she will take my car for a mth and you know she will.
She also is watching her bro from a distance and seeing how hard it is to survive in this world. When I say you can leave at 18 too if you don't like the rules she laughs and says she is never leaving she sees how hard it is.
Scent of Cedar I
New Member
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Last night easy child was already getting tired of being grounded, on her 3rd day, and started making remarks like, difficult child was never grounded, he did anything he wanted and never got in trouble. I know she was just trying to get me to back down on the grounding, it didn't work though. I don't think she really truly belives that he got away with everything, because she was a witness to what went on. I reminded her of what difficult child put me through and that one had nothing to do with the other. I told her difficult child was punished many times and that we tried many things, though none of them ever worked, and that is why he no longer lives home. I told her if she would like to continue to argue about following the rules, that she could move out when she is 18 also :smile:
I know she was talking out of fustration of being stuck in the house, but oh well!!! </div></div>
I think you are handling everything just right, Karen.
Our ability to trust our gut instincts is affected when we have had a difficult child child.
You are doing just great.
easy child is a lucky girl!
Barbara
(I am still seeing that pretty picture you posted, of easy child in her prom dress. Such a pretty girl! :smile:
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I know she was talking out of fustration of being stuck in the house, but oh well!!! </div></div>
I think you are handling everything just right, Karen.
Our ability to trust our gut instincts is affected when we have had a difficult child child.
You are doing just great.
easy child is a lucky girl!
Barbara
(I am still seeing that pretty picture you posted, of easy child in her prom dress. Such a pretty girl! :smile:
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SunnyFlorida
Active Member
Catching up on reading...
Sending you some cyber bubble bath.....time to rest your sore elbow and to rest your sore head from all those conversations with easy child.
You're doing great.
Sending you some cyber bubble bath.....time to rest your sore elbow and to rest your sore head from all those conversations with easy child.
You're doing great.
