easy child's moving on sat.

[Jena]

she isn't going to take belongings to our home. she doesnt' even want her dresser. i'll lock my bedroom door and my windows this time. as far as her friends coming in why do i have to make this any uglier than it already is? the kid shouldn't be moving out. sorry my xanax wore off and my tearless moments. i'm officially in the gutter.

she left tonight also when difficult child and i went to movies. and began to take some things. i gotta get my act together and save my upsetment for saturdasy difficult child will be gone and i can spend the weekend in bed if i want watching movies eating junk etc.

husband doesn't think she'll really go thru with it.i told him she's been saying same for quite sometime now seems to be real tome. such a shame her graduation picture is in our dining room yet she won't graduate. she's relying on friends of hers to guide her now, very scary. like blind leading blind.

it's very hard when you have to watch your kid do stupid things, as i'm sure you all know. she robbed herself of her prom, graduating after all she's gone thru with high school, the opporunity to live at home and not worry about bills so soon. what is this other parent going to do for her keep her till she's in her twenties? what ihate most is the story she'll tell to that parent. yet she stated she told no stories i said if that parent had any common sense theyd be calling me talking to me.

i'd never let a kid move into my home with-o calling a parent at 17 even 18. would never happen. must be a real class act.

 

[HaoZi]

Do you have ANY proof she intends to move in with anyone's parents and not some guy or other above 18 friend that has a place of their own?

 

[rlsnights]

Jena -

You are held in my heart right now. The last month before difficult child 1 turned 18 were a true nightmare for us and, while different in many details, your story still sounds very familiar.

For our difficult child 1 those last few weeks were mostly about getting our complete, undivided and tortured attention. I know our difficult child didn't understand why he was doing what he was doing. I know he didn't know what he wanted or how to do anything differently. I think he felt at least as crazy on the inside as he was acting on the outside. I know for a fact that he was absolutely and totally terrified of turning 18 and being an "adult".

But he was equally desperate to be "free" of home and family and rules. The torture he felt on the inside because he was caught between these two extremes was something he just couldn't hold within himself. So he spilled all that psychic fear and pain and anger out on all of us.

You are right I think to just let her go and not demand a lot of details or show that you care too much about her leaving - even while it is tearing you apart inside. The drama/trauma of it all must stop in order for any of you to move forward (let alone heal) and you are each taking steps to stop it. Not making a lot of demands for info from easy child feels to me like an almost respectful way of treating her right now. She has stepped up to the plate and taken the responsibility to move out. Perhaps it's your turn to step up to the plate by letting her go.

And in the meantime remember that today is just that - only today. Tomorrow and the day after and the day after that - are not here yet and no one can predict what will come then. The fears that are eating you alive right now are not "real". Those things have not happened. They may never happen. Do not water those fears with your strength and attention. Starve them by staying focused in the moment. The best way I have found to do that is to pay attention - to really truly stop and study the things and people around me. The sky, the flowers, the pets, children, friends, art. Those are the things that are real. Give them your attention and they will bring you a measure of peace.

 

[DammitJanet]

one thing you need to remember while I think you are doing just fine letting her go now. New York is a unique state. It is the only state in the country that I know of that holds the parents responsible for the kids until 21 if they wont leave, wish to come back home or go to public aid under some circumstances. There are a ton of rules on parents for kids between 18 and 21 that parents in other states dont have. I would never have kids in NY...lol. You need to check.

 

[jbrain]

Janet is right--NY says parents are responsible for their kids til they reach 21. We kicked out my 18 year old daughter and she and her boyfriend went straight to DSS. DSS called me and asked if it was true I kicked her out. I explained that I could not have her in my home because she was flaunting all the rules and also it wasn't safe for my younger daughter. The caseworker explained that they would sue me for child support if E used their services. (I would not have minded that, I could not have her living in our home).

She also said that we need only provide the basic necessities and could have very strict rules--if E then chose not to live at home it was her choice. So, I said, "sure, she can come back home", knowing she would not want to return under those conditions and I was right.

We consulted with a lawyer before this happened--she and boyfriend spent the summer in New England living in homeless shelters. The lawyer told me to pray she stayed in New England because there is no such thing as emancipation in New York state unless the kid is married or in the military. He said if she moved back to New York we would again be financially responsible for her.

So, the upshot is that if you kick your kid out or do not allow them to come back if they leave voluntarily, you can be taken to court by DSS for child support if the kid seeks out services.

Good luck, Jena. I do want to say that my dtr and I are very close now--almost 5 years later. She understands how awful she was and has repeatedely apologized. She has really turned her life around but I was not the one who could help her do that. She has an amazing woman friend who is like a mom/best friend to her who was there when E was ready for help. I am so grateful to this friend for all she has done for E.

 

[Shari]

what ihate most is the story she'll tell to that parent. yet she stated she told no stories i said if that parent had any common sense theyd be calling me talking to me.

i'd never let a kid move into my home with-o calling a parent at 17 even 18. would never happen. must be a real class act.

I, too, am not trying to criticize, but want to point out that you have said many times you don't call other parents because you don't know them... What's to say that's not the same case here?

I think its time to let her go. While you see it as bad, it could possibly be good. Your life with difficult child is chaos, at best. Maybe she will flourish in a calmer environment, which you can not provide. And while it hurts as mom to not be able to provide that, its time to see what a different setting will bring out.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

husband and I both moved from home between 16 and 17. difficult child has been gone quite a while now and while I will not say she is doing fabulous, I think she is learning a lot in real life out there. And I give her credit, she has not asked for a thing from us...

Maybe this will be the best thing for you all. Sounds like she is actually being very mature about it..

 

[busywend]

Yes, I was going to mention to get ready to pay child support to someone.

Also, this could be really great. I am here to tell you my child has never seemed happier in her whole life since she moved out of my house. Now - that could be saying something bad about me...haha!....but I choose to look at it as she is just much happier not being 'parented' all the time. Mine moved at 19, so bit different. But, I am telling you that it is possible that you will have a much deeper relationship with her after she moves out. Be open to that.

 

[Andy]

Ohhh Jena! Big HUGS!!! This has got to be soooo hard.

I just want to make sure that the therapy $$$ is going directly to the therapist office. I am sure you know not to send her the payments to make.

I understand her not giving you info as to were she will be staying. My Diva would do the same thing and you just can't find it out yourself without her saying something.

Hopefully as Saturday comes, she will start to get more nervous about going through with this. I think either tonight or tomorrow you can approach her with, "You know, I want to always make sure you are safe and I can not help you stay safe if you do not let me know where you are spending the night. Other people are not going to care about you like I do. If I get word on the street that you are in danger, where am I to start looking? I will be the ONLY one who will stop the world to search for you. I need to know where to start looking and that would be where you spend your nights."

 

[Jena]

Hi

I appreciate all the responses, the support it means alot. I'm ina very bad mood today, called the school in a.m. and she didn't go again.

things i will not do:

I will NEVER pay child support to some other mother who took my child in allowed her not to attend school and with-o my consent. over my dead body literally.

I will not ask her again where she will be, show her overwhelming amt of love or caring, or keep pushing for info she refuses to give.

if she was willing to adhere to anything none of this would be happening.

this isn't about me "keeping" her safe, when she leaves she choices to be on her own, except therapy which i said i will def. cover and ofcourse check will be sent to therapist. I do not trust her at all.

I do not think she will thrive in another household. this is a kid who needs an abundance of help who is spiraling out of control and regardless of any gfgness we have had is also very well cared for, loved, and she has driven our home upside down to be honest since 12 when she first got kicked out of school which lead me to move to long island otherwise id' never even of been here.

this isn't a wow shell do great elsewhere, nor is this a similar situation with i wouldnt' call a parent ifa kid slept here. your right i wouldn't. yet if a kid was showing up here in middle of night, missing school next day i would def. be on a phone. that is being a responsible parent. whoever this loser is is not a responsible parent. i dont' care if easy child is sitting there saying she beats me than call the cops on me. yet you do not let a kid her age sleep in at your home, miss school be out till 5 a.m. it's all bs.

i will as said earlier wish her well, i will not in any way shape or form set nights for her to come eat here, supply her with a job or anything else clothes,, prom dresses etc. thsi mom wants to take her in GOOD LUCK TO HER IS WHAT I SAY.

yes i'm speaking in a bit of anger today. dont' get offended it is somewhat of a vent. yet truth be known i'm not at all concerned about child support, cops knocking on my door etc. i have been backed up by her therapist, spoke toher school today. so i covered my bases.

it's ok to have problems, it's even ok to hurt yet to walk all ove rme for the amt of time she has, lie, steal, cheat, etc. not ok on any level at all. so i'm done and tired of being her doormat. i will always love her yet i will def. be working hard at lettting go.

i found a new therapist that deals strictly with kids parenting this type of junk i made appointment for monday for me. wish sat. was tomorrow. i'm not hoping she changes her mind. bottom line is if she can't adhere to rules and respect us than she can leave, i'm done and tired of it. yet i gotta be healthy to make me ok and to get the rest of my family thru this. husband who is well a really touch kinda guy almost cried last night he was so upset over it.

i love all of you dont' take this as me being nasty i'm slightly venting too just upsetting situation and well im giong to get thru this one way or another. we all do afterall, dont' we??

iv'e run the gammet with-this kid between her running away ona nd off past two years,her failing out of schol when she was 12. her sleeping around with guys, not protecting herself, stealing my belongings, lying to me, cheating on state tests i had to meet with school officials, than getting arrested. she's a train wreck. i'm so over blaming myself at this point. i've given my blood, sweat, tears every ounce of energy i have to this kdii who thinks she's been ignored by difficult child world. it's bs i have always given to both of them, i sat and quietly reviewed it and double checked our life what i've done. i'm good. i'm giong to ride a horse today husband said listen you gotta go be alone smell some horse ****, your a mess today....... go u need it.

thank god this husband i was giong to toss is being an anchor right now let's hope it stays that way

 

[DDD]

I'm glad that husband is at your side. I really believe that he not only loves you but cares deeply about both girls. I thought it was significant that your former easy child spoke up for him when you all were arguing. My bet is that he is the closest thing to a Father that she has known and she cares for him.
DDD

 

[jbrain]

Hey Jena,
I felt much as you do--as soon as my difficult child walked out the door with her boyfriend on the day I officially kicked her out I locked all my doors and was actually rather elated that she was gone. I was certainly relieved.

To clarify, you would only be contacted by DSS if your daughter went to them for services (like housing or food stamps, etc.) My dtr only knew to do that because her boyfriend knew how to work the system. However, they made it clear to my dtr that she could come home but she would have to abide my all rules. She did not want to do that. She was not eligible then to receive services because we were "willing" to have her home, she just did not want to live there. I was not really willing to have her home but I had to tell the caseworker I was in order for them not to take me to court.

Anyway, I so totally understand your feelings and I know my anger helped me stay strong and do what I had to do. Whenever I started feeling sorry for her was when I got in trouble!

 

[Jena]

exactly. i'm acting like this is earth shattering and i need to remove the drama from it. easy child does care for him yet she's avoiding saying good bye to him or my other kids.

i told her kids will be here today i'd like you to just let them know your leaving, and husband planned on talking to her today also. i got back from riding and she was gone again. her response was well i'll be here monday and wednesday for dinner with kids, it isn't like i wont' see them.

husband said she really isn't getting what this means, is she?? when she moves out she's out. unless she wants to return and therefore a mtg with therapist will be set up because him and i both wont' go back to what was ever again.

i guess we all live to tell the tale, right? husband said this is weird i can't tell her if your in trouble call me, i'll give you money etc. he said thats' rough for me. yea no kidding that's how he shows love, if your in a jam i'll get you out, you need something let me go run and get it.

easy child gave husband a hard time when i was away in portland. he'd text her each day you get home ok how was school from work. she would hardly ever answer. if she needed something she'd call me to call him. bizarre. yet if anyone ever speaks badly of him difficult child mostly lol she defends him.

since his meltdown she came home last week each night and said did you save him dinner? i didnt' take any of his socks today, how's he doing?

 

[susiestar]

She is one mixed up, confused, messed up hurting kid, isn't she? You are absolutely doing the only thing you can right now. While NY is bizarre in demanding that parents support kids until they are 21 (and it is state law there and a major reason I won't ever live there!), it will not be a problem for you. As others have said, as long as you are "willing" to have her come home and live by the rules in your home, then you are in the clear. If she does go to DSS for food stamps, housing help, etc... she will find this out for herself. I think a major reason for the laws that say parents have to support them and keep them at home until age 21 is that many many young adults went for food stamps, etc... because they didn't want to follow the rules at home. Not awful rules, just normal rules that we all have. So by doing this they get the kids off of the system's back and let them know that if they are not willing to follow the rules then they better get a job and figure things out because the State isn't going to do it for them. I still think the rule is nuts, but I do see some logic.

Before she EVER comes into your home again after she moves out, you MUST have a signed agreement that she will abide by the rules and what the consequences are for violating each one. If the rule is that you must be home by curfew and stay home until dawn breaks and the consequence is that you must move out in 48 hours if you violate this, it MUST be in writing. She also will NEED to pay rent. After she is 18 she needs to learn to pay these bills, and charging her rent is a good way to help train her. Doesn't have to be a lot, but enough that she has to have a job to help keep her out of trouble. If she isn't in school this is especially true.

If you let her in and the contract doesn't say that if she violates the rule she has to move out in X amt of time, you might end up with her home, refusing to follow any rule or do anything you ask, even stealing from you and destroying your home, and you won't be able to make her leave with-o formally evicting her. The courts take more than 30 days and you could be forced to follow the court's rules, prove she is breaking the rules and violated her "contract" with you as her landlord, and then still have her in your home as she gets the 30 day warning and several court hearings before you can lock her out. If she is under 21 the judge may give you a really hard time or even tell you that you don't have grounds to evict her.

So make that contract iron-clad and make SURE that for issues you would evict her over that the contract spells them out in great detail, including the # of hours she has before she won't be allowed on the premises.

That is the legal/technical stuff.

I am SO SORRY that it worked out this way. I hate the way she just flat out has no regard for you or her home with you. I know it is breaking your heart and that you will worry about her. You are handling it very well. I don't know if xanax would be enough to help me work this out in my heart. Esp not knowing where she will be or who she will be with at night. in my opinion not telling you is cruel.

Before you leave on Sat while she is getting "her" stuff out, make sure you label what she is allowed to take and let her know if anything else is taken that you will file a police report and press charges for stealing against her and all of her friends. Take a video of each room, or at least a photograph, so that you know what is there and if something is gone when you come back you will have proof that it w as there. Try to have something showing the date in the photos.

Don't assume she isn't going to take things that you don't want her to take. Or that a locked door will keep her and her friends out of anywhere. Heck, youtube has videos for how to make and use bump keys - both are easy (making and using) and they will open almost every door, including deadbolts. I don't know if her friends know about them, but they are very popular here esp at the high school.

Whatever happens, just let yourself feel what you are feeling. No shoulds in feelings!!

vvent all you need to. This is a very traumatic thing for a parent (and likely the child also, though they wouldn't admit it) and all you can do is get through it as best you can. I DO think you need to figure out that contract before Saturday and be ready for anything. If the family she is staying with suddenly decides that they don't want her there, and this has happened to other parents here in the past, you are going to have to have some plan to act on. I would insist that she see the therapist ASAP - this will truly be a crisis as easy child will be upset and will likely take it on you. Have that contract ready and tell her if she won't sign it and follow it then she should make sure the door doesn't hit her in the tushie on the way out.

Sending lots and lots of hugs and support to help through this hard time.

 

[DDD]

She is obviously #1 on her list of importance...like almost all difficult child's...but your husband is important to her. Hugs. DDD

 

[Josie]

Someone said it above, but I also wonder if she might be moving in with a boy/young man with his own apartment. It would explain why she doesn't want to tell you where she is going and also, why she feels she can not follow the rules at home. If she must be with this boy. It also explains why she is able to skip school and no parent is stepping up and making her go or calling you.

It sounds like she wants to stay in touch and has some mixed feelings about leaving. Being an eternal optimist, I see that as a good sign and not just that she wants your free meals.

Either way, I think you are doing what needs to be done.

I hope it works out for her and that your home is more peaceful when she goes.

 

[Jena]

hi and thanks..... i've been doing ok, yet at dinner we told the rest of the kids and well than my stepdaughter said well maybe (other stepdaughter) who is a witch and stopped coming a year and a half ago can come now!! about ten min later had to excuse myself and go cry in the bathroom.

my stepdaughter is a nightmare, i will not lie. she with her mom worked hard for years to break us up and couldnt'. she than said it's either her or me. he said that's ridiculous well needless to say we went on and she doestn' come here anymore. the thought of easy child leaving and her returning ugh. disgusts me to no end.

anyway i found out where she is. it's a long story yet i am working on detatching i'm having a bit of a problem clearly. good thing therapy is monday. i called school in a.m. to see if she showed, than i called information for one of her friends that i heard her say she's staying with. anyway i got number called left message.

i got a call back tonight from a dad. it took a few min. yet after we talked we realized his kid was infact the right kid. winds up he's divorced and remarried and hasnt' seen his kid in a year. she didn't like the rules him and his wife made for her and she ran to mom's house (where easy child is staying) because it's a free for all there apparently.

so yea i sat and talked to husband i was tempted to go there plant this woman. he said why, what are you hoping to achieve? kinda got loud with me at one point. anyway i didnt' go. there is no point. he said at least we know where she is. if you go there you'll just explode on this woman, easy child may not be able to continue giong there than she'll stay here and keep doing what shes' doing or find another home to run to.

so we're just hoping this idiot mom and her lifestyle of do what you want makes easy child feel in time unloved and she realizes she made a mistake and returns home till she's ready mentally to take the world on as an adult.

 

[Marguerite]

Leave things alone. For now at lest, it's time to stop rushing to the rescue. She now has to ask for help. Once she chooses to leave, she is responsible. make it clear tat she can always choose to come back, all she has to do is sign the contract to follow your very reasonable house rules. In the meantime - let her 'enjoy' the freedom. I speak from my personal experience - when I moved out, my parents arranged for me to move in where they felt I would be well supervised. I was not. When I tried to ell the people I was staying with where I was going and when I would be back, they didn't want to know. They did not care.

The first time I stayed out all night, I got home at 11 am next day expecting a full-on search underway for me. Nobody had noticed my absence. That was when I began to really understand how my parents loved me and I began to value their concern. It only took me three months before this happened.

And I had not gone away mad, I had no lesson to learn. But the lesson was there to learn anyway. A kid who is 'running away' is likely to learn faster.

Sit back, be patient, at least you know where she will be at the moment, which is more than you will have if you make a fuss now. You will gain nothing, but lose a daughter even further, she will be even more secretive about where she ends up and could find a placement a lot worse. I know I did! There are some nasty, nasty places out there. Places where the flies take up a collection for a flyscreen; where the roaches all wear protective clothing. One place I remember mice living in the oven. A communal fridge where nothing was sacred. Carpet that felt sticky underfoot. Holes in the floor where rats could come and go. I was 18.

Marg

 

[HaoZi]

No advice, no ideas, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.

 

[Jena]

marg your right thats' exactly what husband said at least you know where she is.

Haozi thanks i have no ideas either lol. that makes two of us.........

husband just went in to talk to her with some coaxing he isnt' good with verbalizing how he feels at all. its one of his issues. yet i told him she's packing up sat. it's the right thing to do. don't you want to say good bye to her?? yet knowing him he'll go in there and say something not what i'm hoping he'll say.... lol. i told him united stand united. tell her love you, wish you'd stay and comply with rules yet we'll be here when your ready to follow them. he's probably saying why are you doing this, what are you thinking??

oh well, such is life. i gotta release this a little now. she's got so much control over me its' insane i'm slowly learning. going to watch a movie and eat some junk!!!

thanks again.....