Enabling coming to a quick halt

[Tanya M]

A while back my husband and I took our daughter to our financial adviser to help her set up some funds and invest for her future. My daughter asked the adviser about our financial situation and the adviser told her 'You do not ever have to worry about them' This made me mad, first of all it was none of my daughters business

I do not think the adviser thought she was doing any harm, she probably thought this was a concerned daughter for her parents future.. We will be having a meeting with our adviser and will be discussing this.

First, I think it was a very loving thing your husband did by taking her to a financial adviser. I hope your daughter was able to glean some good information.
Now, for the part of your adviser responding to your daughters question and this only my opinion, I think the adviser should have told her "I cannot discuss this with you. If you have questions about your parents finances you will need to ask them". I don't care if the adviser thought she was just asking out of concern. For me, it comes down to what is ethical in business practices and what the adviser said was not ethical.
Also, why did your daughter ask the adviser this and not you or your husband as she should have?
I'm glad that you will be discussing the matter with your adviser.

I have no business in her business and I truly do not want to be in her business.

This is a very wise statement!!!

Today I worked on my patience while she talked non stop about politics. She is the expert, she has the deepest inside information to what is happening

Oh Newstart, I admire you in this regard. I need to try and be more patient in listening to my son.

I'm glad your daughter paid you what she owes you. I agree that she may have sensed things were changing.
I hope she continues on with taking more responsibility for herself. You are wise to keep your guard up. I know with my son, he can show he's "trying" for several months but then he will slip back into his old patterns. I would have to see consistent change for a couple of years before I would believe he's really "changed".

You are doing great Newstart. You have grown and gained so much strength.

 

[newstart]

SWOT, I agree with you about my daughter not wanting to be alone and her boyfriend maybe the only guy that will tolerate her. In past years she has been with many great guys that were willing to work with her on her mental problems but I do not know if they could tolerate her for the long haul, I have trouble tolerating her and I love her with my entire heart and soul. My daughter is very draining with her constant drama, paranoia, lying, being very mean and rude.
I once overheard my daughter say that she can't believe her boyfriend still tolerates her and she also has said many times that she is too mean to live with anyone. When I have the problem with the boyfriend is when it costs me money or she tells me how awful he is, I always say 'then help him not be awful'. I get a sense of security knowing he is around so she is not alone. He is a tall strong man so I feel she has some protection. I have never seen any evidence that he has hit her in anyway, and God knows it takes a ton of strength not to punch her while she is manic. I have had many long talks with my daughter about her personal hygiene. My daughter is very paranoid about germs. I think when she goes into depression she just does not have the energy to take a shower. I remember many times inviting her to a dress up party or dinner and she smelled bad. This is inexcuseable with so many showers handy. I told her just say no, I can't make it and if she says yes then at least take a bath.
Tanya, I do know it takes years to see a positive change. My daughter only has a few more years until her house is paid off. She has blown it a few times and I have jumped down and saved her and the house. I know she knows that I am truly DONE with it. It is in my words, tone and body language. With just a few short years she will have a very nice home to live in that will be paid. I think she realized what a good deal that was after looking for an apartment. We put a huge down payment on her home so her payments are doable, the same it would cost to live in a small studio apartment. It seems she has a good roommate that is clean and pays on time. If her boyfriend would contribute she could really get ahead but with him just putting up with her BS must be enough for her. In the past when she starts fighting with her boyfriend which makes her unable to function in daily life, that is when she has all the job related troubles and her hygiene suffers that most. I have been lucky enough to see some good months here and there but then she slides back into a toxic hole and it takes a long time to repair the damage she leaves behind. I know the day that we are competely severed with any financial ties to her is a day of big celebration.

 

[Elsi]

I agree with you about my daughter not wanting to be alone and her boyfriend maybe the only guy that will tolerate her. In past years she has been with many great guys that were willing to work with her on her mental problems but I do not know if they could tolerate her for the long haul, I have trouble tolerating her and I love her with my entire heart and soul. My daughter is very draining with her constant drama, paranoia, lying, being very mean and rude.

Your daughter sounds a lot like mine - also diagnosed borderline. She had a great boyfriend for a while but he couldn’t take it anymore. I saw him months after they broke up and he gave me a big hug, got teary and said he was so sorry it didn’t work. It’s been years and I still miss him! Ever since it’s been a string of users, abusers and addicts. Sadly I don’t get to pick for her!

Mine has trouble with bathing when she’s not doing well, also.

I’m glad you’re successfully getting untangled emotionally and financially. I know how hard it is. Hopefully your daughter will continue taking steps towards more independence.

 

[newstart]

Elsi, I see you have 2 children that are off track, my heart and compassion go to you. Having one off track is so hard but you have two, other people have more, my dear friend has 4 kids and all of them off track. It breaks our momma hearts in a million pieces.
I have had several of my daughters boyfriends call me years later and want to talk about the bizzare relationship they had with my daughter. They tell me that they miss my husband and me but could not take my daughter's lying any longer. I have no idea how a marriage can work especially if you share financial accounts with someone that lies and steals or how simple everyday affairs can continue with such a person, I just do not have the patience to deal with it and I feel so sorry for people that got tricked into being with such a person and did not realize this until after they got married or were too young to realize what they were getting into. I watched my sister pick wicked men and she has had a life of misery, she is now married to a man that she has had a doable marriage with but she is unhappy.
I remember as my mother was getting older and dementia was coming on a bit, she still was worried about my sister and her awful choices. She would ask me all the time if my sister was doing better. She was concerned about this until the day she died, dementia did not even relieve her from that worry.

 

[Elsi]

Newstart, my heart goes out to you and your husband as well. It must be especially hard to see your daughter like this when you have already lost a child. I am so sorry for your loss.

I feel so sorry for people that got tricked into being with such a person and did not realize this until after they got married or were too young to realize what they were getting into.

Me, too...that was me, young, dumb and socially inept. I look back and shudder at how unprepared I was for the life I was signing up for.

Sadly, with the genetic nature of so many of these problems, it seems there are many of us out here with multiple children off the rails. I'm just grateful for the relationships I have with the ones who are on track right now.

That's so sad that your mother continued to worry even on her deathbed. I'm afraid that will be me as well. (I'm even more afraid that I am likely to outlive my difficult ones, with the paths they are on now.)

I hope your sister manages to find peace and happiness one day.

 

[newstart]

Elis, Thank you for your compassion.
My sister goes off and on with her peace. Thank you for wishing peace and happiness for her. I often pray that for her.
I wished you would have had someone step in and warn you about the man you were going to marry and have babies with.
My grandmother's spirit came to me and told me that the guy I was dating was a great guy and I should marry him.
I have been with him 43 years and must say he is one of the kindest people I have ever met. I had spiritual help, no way could I know if someone was right for me or not at age 18.

I rescued 2 cats. One is not well, he is off balance the other is a spit fire. They get along well together. I see on your post you rescue animals. I thank you very much for your great work. My rescued cats are so grateful. When my male cat cleans his nails he looks for my hands to clean mine too, he has to get me ready for the tribe.