Evicting an Adult Child

[Exhaustedat22]

On Wednesday I went to court to have Kyle evicted, he didn't show up to even defend himself. Of course the Judge signed the order. He now has until 4/8 to move our, if not I have to go back to City Hall and file one more piece of paper, then I can have the Sheriff's Dept remove him.
I told him what was going on and boy did that cause hystieria, the crying, pleading, slamming sfutt around. He is so ill equipped to be put out on the streets and of course I'm feeling guilty. Of course!! He's penny less, will have a small tax refund coming (small because he couldn't or wouldn't hold down a job for longer than a few weeks), has no where to go.
He refuses to talk to me to try and figure out what he is going to do, just hides in the basement, comes up for food. I'm at such a loss here, but I know I can't continue to live on edge with here.

 

[GoingNorth]

Why are you feeding him? Are you planning on supporting him in any way after he is evicted?

There are shelters and food kitchens.

 

[Copabanana]

He is so ill equipped to be put out on the streets and of course I'm feeling guilty.

How old is he? How long has this been going on? How has he supported him? What makes you feel he is unable to handle being out of your home?

He refuses to talk to me to try and figure out what he is going to do, just hides in the basement, comes up for food. I'm at such a loss here, but I know I can't continue to live on edge with here.

Seven or eight years ago, I was in this situation. My son was depressed and refused to work or seek treatment. He laid around all day. He was hostile. He had had a brain injury, and after that stopped working in the job he had had as a nurse's aid.

People told me the only way to deal with this was to throw him out so he would help himself. That did not happen. What did happen was he stayed two years rent free with a friend of the family, got himself on SSI and got a marijuana habit, and began a pattern of homelessness, dependency, and irresponsibility. Throwing him out did not achieve what I had hoped.

Nonetheless, I'm unsure what would have been the right thing to do.

Would it have been the correct thing to let him continue as he was? I don't think so. If he refused my counsel and my support, to seek out treatment resources, what was my option? Did I not matter here? What about my comfort, my security, my peace of mind in my home? I tell you all of this to let you know that there is NO RIGHT THING TO DO, in the situation we find ourselves. It is one day at a time.

Your son has the obligation to learn to live his life. He will not learn hiding in your basement. There are questions of capacity and competency. I am assuming here your son has the intellect and the emotional where with all to seek support and to learn how to live.

There are all kinds of resources available for adults who have a hard time managing on their own.

I am sorry you find yourself in this hard, hard place. You will find counsel and support here, and a way to go forward.

By the way, my son is back living in a home that I own, apart from me. Before he came back, he was sleeping in a truck a couple of hours from where I live. It may be that he finally understands that HE needs to put one step in front of the other to address his issues. I have to pay hardball with him. He has no key, and he MUST LEAVE if he does not address his life, and act in a way that is socialized. It is day by day, hit and miss. But I am clear, and I believe he is clear, that he cannot put all responsibility on me, and/or lay around all his life in a drug-fueled haze--near me. If he wants to do that, he needs to find somewhere else to do it. So, as I think about it, potentially, I am back in the situation in which you find yourself.

Welcome to you. I hope you find here, answers.

 

[susiestar]

Welcome! It is HARD to evict your adult child. With many adult children, they just won't mature and become adults until you do. Give yourself credit for taking this incredibly hard step.

I would look up a list of shelters, food kitchens and churches who help the homeless. Have it ready for him for when he leaves. If we cope for our kids, and give them all they need, some of them just don't seem to grow up and become adults. If we let them flounder, they are pretty likely to either figure it out for themselves, or latch onto someone else who will figure it out for them for a while. You just cannot support another adult forever, and sometimes drastic steps like this are needed. But it stinks and hurts to have to do this. We are here for you!

 

[Exhaustedat22]

Why are you feeding him? Are you planning on supporting him in any way after he is evicted?

There are shelters and food kitchens.

 

[Exhaustedat22]

I don't know what I plan on doing after I finally make him leave. I feel as if I'm throwing him away, but I don't know what else I can do. I fear for his safety, his well being, what kind of trouble he'll get into. I know, he's an adult in a childs mind. I suppose I would help him get help if he asks for it. I'll let him know that I'll do that for him. Other than that, I just don't know.

 

[Exhaustedat22]

Why are you feeding him? Are you planning on supporting him in any way after he is evicted?

There are shelters and food kitchens.

 

[Exhaustedat22]

I guess I'm feeding him because I know what it's like to be hungry, and I have to eat! Being hungry makes people crazy, plus I worry what he'll steal from me to get food. Guess it's cheaper to buy a little bit of food to save my belongings?
I don't know??

 

[Albatross]

Exhausted 22, I am so very sorry you find yourself in this terrible dilemma. If it helps at all to tell you this, you are not alone. Most of us here have had to tell our children to leave, or force them to leave, because they were stealing from us or threatening us or physically harming us.

He doesn't work, at least leaglly. i have no idea what kind of covert activites he's up to. I live on edge, on high alert, have security alarms so that I know when he's coming and going. However that doesn't stop him from stealing from me. He gooes through everything I own. He's stolen and sold a garage full of tools (his dead father, my husband), his father's wedding ring, my grandmothers jewerly, the list is so long, I'm exhausted just trying to list of the things he has taken from me. Not sure what event happened two weeks ago that triggered me to take the next step. I went to City Hall and filed formal paper work to get hm evicted. Court is scheduled for Wednesday morning. I wa sick about doing this, thinking "Geez, what kind of parent are you"? then I'm getting dressed and look for my belt, and it's gone! Really my belt? then look further and my cordless drill set is missing. My employer replaced the one he already stole months ago.

I get it. It feels like it goes against every cell in my body to tell my child to leave. But is it really possible to continue to live the way you have been living?

I do agree with Going North. As hard as this is, I think mixed messages are going to cause you to lose strength and credibility.

 

[Exhaustedat22]

Exhausted 22, I am so very sorry you find yourself in this terrible dilemma. If it helps at all to tell you this, you are not alone. Most of us here have had to tell our children to leave, or force them to leave, because they were stealing from us or threatening us or physically harming us.



I get it. It feels like it goes against every cell in my body to tell my child to leave. But is it really possible to continue to live the way you have been living?

I do agree with Going North. As hard as this is, I think mixed messages are going to cause you to lose strength and credibility.

 

[Exhaustedat22]

"I do agree with Going North. As hard as this is, I think mixed messages are going to cause you to lose strength and credibility."

I believe I have already lost strenght and credibility. Family, friends and even Kyle, and yes so many mixed messages coming in.
No two situations are identical, can be simliar, but not the same.
I guess I'll figure it out, somehow.

 

[Exhaustedat22]

I just read this in a post.
FOG .... Fear, Obligation, Guilt
This is so me!
The more I read here, the more it's giving me the strenght (at least today) to do what I know needs to be done. We'll see what kind of tricks or how thick the FOG gets tonight and tomorrow, it's a day to hour tug of war
I don't want to not any more creditibility.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm sorry Exhasutedat22.....so sorry you find yourself struggling with your son's inability to launch into adulthood.

You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post.
If you haven't already, you may want to contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Here is the website:
Find Support | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness
NAMI has excellent groups for parents. They may be able to offer you resources, support, options and information for you and perhaps for your son as well.
You can also call the Nationwide help line at 211 which offers support for those in need.
Most of us here seek professional support to learn how to walk this terrain. If you're interested in finding a therapist in your area you can contact goodtherapy.org or the psychology today website.
I found it helpful to attend CoDa 12 step groups to learn how to let go and accept what I have no control over.
A good book is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie.
Here's another resource which may offer support for your son: Delancey Street Foundation - About Us - Who We Are

I've been through similar issues with my adult daughter. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done.....but it is doable. After a long time of setting stringent boundaries with my daughter, she is finding her own way now. I needed a "village" to get through it. My best advice to you is to get as much support as you can for YOURSELF. I attended a 2 year course at my HMO which focused on codependency and offered weekly parent groups..... I had weekly therapy, attended 12 step groups, wrote on this forum daily, read every book I could on related subjects.....I was determined to NOT go down the rabbit hole with my daughter and to somehow find my own peace and my own joy, regardless of what my daughter did or did not do.

Meditation & prayer helped. Giving my daughter over to my perception of a Higher Power helped. Making sure I got out in nature daily, that I slept well and ate healthily, all helped. Self care is absolutely necessary. Being kind and compassionate with yourself is extremely helpful. After we've been at this for a long time, many of us forget how to take care of ourselves.....put your self care as the priority. Find safe places you can go to get the support YOU need now. Nurture yourself.

You matter too. Your needs and desires matter. Keep posting, it helps to tell our story and receive support. I'm glad you're here. You're not alone.....we understand, we've been there too.

 

[Tanya M]

I'm feeling guilty.

This is a very normal feeling but not warranted. Our children are supposed to grow up and leave our homes to live their own lives.

I feel as if I'm throwing him away, but I don't know what else I can do. I fear for his safety, his well being, what kind of trouble he'll get into.

You are not throwing him away. You are liberating him to live his own life. I completely understand the fears you have, I've been right where you are. What I can tell you is not allow those fears to consume you. Do not give them power or they will rob you of peace and sleep.

I know, he's an adult in a childs mind.

My son is now 37 but still operates with a teenage mentality. He's off the charts smart but has zero common sense. My son lives a homeless wandering life style. I don't like it but it's his choice of how he wants to live. He has always managed to find food and shelter. One thing I have learned from his life style is how well the homeless network together.

I suppose I would help him get help if he asks for it. I'll let him know that I'll do that for him.

I would be very careful here. If it were me, I would not tell him that I would help him. You will be sending a message that he doesn't have to do anything because you will "help" him. Also, keep in mind that helping isn't helping when it's enabling.
I would caution against giving him money. If he's hungry, meet him somewhere and buy him lunch.
Something else you can do for him before he leaves is give him a list of shelters and places he can get food. You might also buy him a good backpack.

He refuses to talk to me to try and figure out what he is going to do, just hides in the basement, comes up for food.

I would guess that he's hoping by giving you the cold shoulder that you will feel bad and change your mind.
Whenever we, the parents change how we respond, in other words, we stop giving them what they want, they will ramp things up. They will cry, beg, plead, they will also lash out in anger.

It's hard to watch our children struggle but it's through the struggle that they grow. We do them no good by taking care of everything for them. They need to learn how to navigate through life on their own.

I know it's hard and you feel guilty but what you are doing is really the best thing you can do not only for your son but for yourself. The sooner your son can start figuring out his life the better. You will not be around forever.

It's not good to continue enabling an adult child. When the parent is 85 and the child is 65 and the parent dies, the 65 year old is left trying to figure out what to do. It's much better to allow our adult children to figure it out when they are young.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome and so sorry.

I won't repeat what others have said as it is all great advice. I do know what it's like to just want it to all STOP and CHANGE and not having a clue HOW to do that.

You don't mention if your son is using drugs or his age. The more information that we have the better we can relate.

You have definitely come to the right spot. This site helped me tremendously. I cannot even imagine going through what I went through without these very compassionate and knowledgeable friends!!