Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2

[Copabanana]

My son called and told me that the manager at the liver practice was furious. She will not fax an order for blood work anywhere until my son see's the Hepatologist and the earliest appointment is October.

There is nothing I can say or do. The pain is horrible and unrelenting. All there is to do is to go cross country and do make a separate and good life.

 

[InsaneCdn]

The earliest appointment is October. Does he have a phone? if so, he can ask to go on the "short notice" list - which is usually a call today for an appointment tomorrow, available due to cancellation.

I hate it when various parts of the medical system think that THEIR part is the most important part. I wish we didn't need these people - but we do.

 

[BusynMember]

My son called and told me that the manager at the liver practice was furious. She will not fax an order for blood work anywhere until my son see's the Hepatologist and the earliest appointment is October.

Can he see another Hepatologist? I would. That waiting time is insane.

 

[Copabanana]

Does he have a phone? if so, he can ask to go on the "short notice" list

Insane, he does not have a phone. He uses my number. And the appointment for last Friday was from the "short list." They have lost patience with him. He is now to the back of the line. Nobody wants to do him any favors or cut him slack. Even if his life is at stake.

I do not feel safe to intervene. One, I cannot control his compliance. Two, the only way this will change is if he decides to change it. I do not want to get in the way anymore.

SWOT, I will discuss with my son that he call and request to be seen by another Hepatologist in the same practice. I am hesitant because I do not want to complicate this more than it is. But I will bring it up.

 

[nerfherder]

I found something here that might be of use - even for those of us without suicidal "end of my rope" thoughts.

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-33598223 the semi-colon as tattoo - why? What's it for?

 

[Copabanana]

the semi-colon as tattoo - why? What's it for?

I have always been enamored of the semi-colon. While I overuse commas and dashes I have no special love for them. But the semi-colon...ahh. I want one. I need one. Thank you Nerf.

 

[allusedup]

Copa, I have no words of wisdom. Just warm wishes for the happiness you deserve. I hope you find it with M by your side, wherever you may go. I think admitting that your son must help himself has set you free in a way, to look to your own happiness, which you so richly deserve.

 

[Copabanana]

I called the Hepatology Clinic and asked that the Manager call me back. They explained they have a 3 strikes and you're out policy which they waived in my son's case.

I reinforced that we made every effort to make the appointment. As for prior no shows on my son's part, I said I could not excuse them, and understood their policy, BUT my son is mentally ill.

Symptoms of his mental illness include disorganization, anxiety about his illness and self-sabotage. He was born with limitations. His early life reinforced them. Discovering that he had an illness from birth due to parents' behavior would be difficult to bear for anyone. For my son? Intolerable. Is there an option to waiting two months more without medication? Can he see another Hepatologist?

I will say the same thing tomorrow to the manager. I will let you know what comes of this.

Thank you.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

My son called and told me that the manager at the liver practice was furious. She will not fax an order for blood work anywhere until my son see's the Hepatologist and the earliest appointment is October.

There is nothing I can say or do. The pain is horrible and unrelenting. All there is to do is to go cross country and do make a separate and good life.

Can you ask for the doctor call you, Copa?

Something isn't right, here. That office manager has entirely too much power. Is this a Clinic, or a small private practice? If it is a Clinic, call Patient Relations or Customer Service. State the facts here. Tell them you will take the October appointment but that your son is homeless and mentally ill, that you had no control over the train, and that you need either an assurance that waiting until the next available appointment in October will not cause further harm, or you need the blood work reviewed, now.

If the office manager (?!?) refuses to ask the physician to order blood work until your son pays for an appointment with a doctor who is unavailable until October, that is the situation that needs to be addressed. The office manager does not have the right to be furious at your son. She manages the office.

You need the bloodwork done.

Contact NAMI, to learn whether they have suggestions as to how this could be better handled. Call 211 or your local crisis line to see whether they know who you can talk to about having the blood work done. Call the Emergency Room or a Nurse Online to ask what options there are.

Call Social Services.

There has to be something.

This is unacceptable.

roar

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Unfortunately, mental illness, including psychosis, do not give a person extra rights in this country. A medical office can have a three strikes you're out rule. Some have a one strike and you're out or if you forget to cancel you are billed. I am also mentally ill, although I am choosing to treat my illness. I am still spacey. Always have been. I do forget even to check my trusty calendar at times and I NEED it. If I forget, it affects me just as much as it would affect somebody who is not mentally ill. I think we treat the mentally ill wrong, but this is how they do it here and these are our laws.

I like the idea of ER. Get his blood work there. It will be fast and TODAY. It can be forwarded to doctor's office and he will have it for his next visit. ER can also prescribe anti-viral drugs, but they can't make him take them.

One day maybe we'll "get it." Right now the mentally ill are expected to comply just like everyone else.

 

[Copabanana]

You need the bloodwork done.

I just spoke with the clinic manager. It is a liver transplant clinic at a large university hospital.

She was immovable. She became hostile and defensive. I got nowhere.

He had 6 no-shows. There is an existing order for blood work, so he can go today to the laboratory. I will go by where he lives a little bit later. She will not budge from the 9/23 appointment. That appointment is with another Hepatologist. She said the doctor left a note that my son not be rescheduled at all. They are doing it anyway. I doubt that his doctor would have done that. It must have been another.

I can delay traveling to the BIG CITY and go with him for that appointment.

I guess I can try to find somebody to oversee his appointments and going with him maybe through the County Mental Health.

The problem is that he lives in one county and the appointment is in a distant county. Honestly, I do not know how to do this. He does not have a phone because he either loses them or destroys them.

Perhaps I need to accept he will die and there is nothing I can do. The manager asked me why I was not taking responsibility for getting him to all the missed appointments if I was so concerned about it.

How do you explain? My son will not let me be involved. He does not tell me of the appointments. He does not live with me so I cannot control him. I hoped that he could rise to the occasion. I accept it is my fault. Blame me. Please help my son live.

Clearly he is not able to live independently and manage his business. The only solution is that he enter the treatment program. The problem is that I cannot control his doing so.

I will try to call him and motivate him to get to the lab today.

I am very discouraged.

I will tell my son that I offered to be his payee or to help him get a payee to organize his money. He said no.

I will tell him that I will not bail him out again at the end of the month with food or money for food. And I will not.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

"Okay," Cedar said. "Time to get back to me."

:O)

So. Book Club last night. The daughter of the hostess was home. About 24. Ballet classes since she was a little girl, like my daughter. This young woman was beautiful, talented, accomplished, charming. The hostess has two other children, boys; equally productive and talented and successful. And to see the stability and the cleanliness and oh, I don't know ~ the sense of legitimacy of the mother role for this woman I have known for something like fifteen or eighteen years just hit me so hard. I realize I am especially raw from the intensity of the FOO trip. But all at once, I could see all the good things D H and I do not have now, and certainly did not have when our kids were that age.

And never, ever had when our kids were adolescents and every single thing fell apart. And I am really angry about that, and about all the things we did get instead, and just about how awful this all has been.

Just awful.

I have been thinking about the pain of it, and how that has changed
D H and I. It just sends me around the bend to remember how strong and beautiful and graceful this daughter is. The mom was such a good, strong, committed mother. She is very serious, very self contained. She worked full time, so that wasn't it. Everything was so clean and beautiful and the dessert was delicious and I couldn't sleep a wink last night because I am...something. Jealous? No, I don't think so. I am angry, that's what I am. Everything is so twisted for us, so freaking ugly. I don't know what to do with the feelings. Part of it is the FOO therapy. When I lost the belief that I was responsible for doing my part in pulling FOO together, when I saw FOO through changed lenses in which they were the villain and I was, after all, the victim of nothing that mattered in the least but hurt like the dickens (I was going to say like a son of a biatch but I am feeling tacky enough already this morning without adding profanity to the mix).

Where was I going with this.

Okay, so the changed perspective re: FOO changed everything. All at once, I am really, really angry or disgusted or something at my kids and at myself. It is a "should" thing, again. I should have been a stronger mom. I should have been Oh for heaven's sake I don't know! Of course there had to have been intense deficits in my parenting abilities that I could not even see. Of course that is true...but, this? Part of it is that I am angry at myself. I should have seen all this sooner and done something different sooner and maybe there was nothing I could have done.

But maybe there was.

If I'd been stronger, more certain, more self contained....

And there has been so much loss.

Lost pride, lost dignity, lost relationships to my own kids and to my grands in that good way of strong family. Lost potential, lost money and time and there has been so much ugliness I just want to sit here and sputter bad words forever.

Like that's going to change anything.

I can remember when I thought, when I was so sure, that would be me with my own daughter, so beautiful and graceful and strong.

Thank heaven one of the woman's sons were not there or I might have lost it entirely and her children will marry such nice people and that was part of it too and I am so flabbergasted and angry and mad.

roar

string of bad words ~ really, really bad words

Huh.

You know what part of it was is that her table was set so beautifully and the china was beautiful and unique and...the table cloth was the most beautiful white linen just like the one in my fantasy of family dinner.



So, maybe I am jealous, after all.

Oh, what a terrible day.

And I mean I know this is nothing compared to what Copa or Belle are going through. But. But it just seems like D H and I have been so focused on keeping this leaky rowboat afloat when everyone else cruised past on ocean liners they were piloting so masterfully with daughter ballerinas at the front like living figureheads and I just got that. We have been so focused on standing up and getting through it and being told terrible things by our children and somehow living through terrible, terrible things without even daring to believe anymore that somehow we can pull this one out of the fire.

That's the hurt of it.

I should not be making comparisons. I would not like someone to do that to me and I would never want to hurt my daughter in any way, ever. So, that will be a deep sixed secret, about the comparison that flashed up before I could help it because I had no clue, no clue at all, that it was coming. I will be able to tuck everything back in but oh, man, I am all in an uproar today.

Usually I can be in that place where I can be happy for friends whose families are okay. (That place where I can manage resentment, then. That must be what I mean.) So, this is resentment and anger. Better to have it out in the open. In a way, these are the feelings we have been working for in our FOO therapy.

Genuine ones instead of high road ones.



But the loss of it was like a punch in the stomach. So, I got up finally at 4:30 and ate melon and cottage cheese and a mango. Then, I had eggs and bacon with D H even though I wasn't one bit hungry.

Then, I finished the mango.

For heaven's sake.

roar

Cedar



And I feel like such a terrible poop, to be thinking this way.

But I am thinking this way.



Okay.

So.

All I can do is what I always do. Put things together as best I can do it. But you know, I feel like just driving away.

Just drive.

Anywhere but here.

And part of it is the whole detachment thing and the what ifs (for heaven's sake, it couldn't be any worse than what has happened).

And get it that that mom's daughter ~ I get it, that my daughter is coping with something very hard. If I had acknowledged the truth of it sooner instead of



instead of being cowardly and insisting on that family dinner I am always posting about then maybe this would not have happened just as it has. But here is the thing: What happened to us did happen and cannot be undone. I can be strong, now. I can try so hard to see everything clearly, now.

Blame isn't going to help any of us.

So.

It just is what it is.

Given the unbelievable rotten things that have happened and happened, we have come through it without (well, actually, we have come through it in such bad shape I could cry and be ashamed).

This really did happen to us.

We really did lose all those good things.

Whatever we have instead, it is not okay. It twisted us in terrible ways. So, back to the naming of things for what they really are. Back to the drawing board to learn how to see it all differently.

I can do that.

Did you know that Joseph Kennedy had his daughter lobotomized without telling her own mother he was going to do so? The surgery was a disaster. That is what happened to that Kennedy daughter.

But they came through it, and created Special Olympics because of it.

No one has been lobotomized in my family. New medications may be developed. A thousand good, strengthening things could happen next.

I need to stand up.

I am feeling better.

None of those good things might happen. Nonetheless, this is my family and it matters what I think, how I think, about them and about me.

But just for today?



I am feeling badly.

Cedar

And I don't care if it's selfish and shallow and self pitying.

Well, okay. Not the self pitying part. This really has sucked so bad.

On the brighter side of this terrible day, FOO therapy truly has worked in changing my belief that I somehow deserve any of this, from FOO to what happened to my children.



So that is the plan: Name what has happened. Learn how to face what has happened correctly.

"Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave."

That was Timothy Shriver. Head of Special Olympics.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

The problem is that he lives in one county and the appointment is in a distant county. Honestly, I do not know how to do this. He does not have a phone because he either loses them or destroys them.

Oh, Copa. I'm sorry this is happening to you. If it were me, I would call Social Services switchboard in your county or in the one son is in. Explain the situation, and ask them who they think you might talk to.

When daughter was here, I did that.

I researched services available in the state daughter was from originally and where she was homeless online, first. In that state (Minnesota) there are specific workers for those with mental illness, and for those with mental illness and homelessness. I set up an appointment for daughter with one of those workers. Just to see, Copa. Just to see what else was out there. I told them I was the mom, told them my daughter's age, told them I wasn't even sure whether they could help us.

They were very nice to me, Copa.

The appointment was set up.

And daughter returned home before she could keep it. And knowing there might possibly be something, she did not try to have the appointment date moved up or stop in there herself.

And that is okay because at least I know. (Nevermind about that last post I posted. Ahem.)

:O)

That is what I would do next Copa, if I were you. Contact social Services and tell them you just don't know what to do and can they help or direct you to someone who can. Do your internet research first on what is available in your state.

In your state, Copa.

That is where you will find the things like the special social workers for those with mental illness. That is where you will find something called 811 Housing, which is HUD housing but for those with disabilities and whose needs are being addressed with more urgency.

At least on the government websites.

After that there is nothing you can do, Copa. But there are services for the homeless, and specific to the homeless mentally ill with disabilities.

I think what I asked for at Social Services was: Mental Health Case Worker. Use that term when you call Copa, okay?

Cedar

Now I am remembering this. When daughter was homeless, she would have been assigned an ARMS worker. That never happened because she was in and out of here and I didn't know where to find her for the ARMS worker to help her and she was incapable for that time. But. An ARMS worker is someone who see to it that the homeless mentally ill with health problems get to their medical appointments. I think they might do safety checks or something, but I don't know because daughter never did get one.

They work with the homeless. So, that would be something to ask Social Services about.

I can't remember what the acronym stands for.

1) Mental Health Case Worker
2) ARMS worker
3) HUD 811 housing voucher. It seemed that these were facilities more than houses, in come cases. The person would have an apartment or a room, but the support system was there for them while they retained their freedom.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I will go by where he lives a little bit later.

Can you text him the information instead, Copa?

I can delay traveling to the BIG CITY and go with him for that appointment.

Maybe you could find someone from Social Services who could help him, Copa.

Perhaps I need to accept he will die and there is nothing I can do. The manager asked me why I was not taking responsibility for getting him to all the missed appointments if I was so concerned about it.

This is in the neighborhood of what that nurse said to my daughter about "If you don't want to be brain damaged, don't let people kick you in the head."

The manager should not have spoken to you in that way.

You must have been getting under her skin.

"...if you were so concerned about it."

Ouch, Copa.

roar

I hope you said: "I am concerned. Thank you for understanding that at last. For awhile there, I didn't think you were getting it and wondered who I was going to need to talk to next. Everything takes so much time, doesn't it?"

That's what I would have said, in my imagination. Or would have thought of, later.

Grrr....

How do you explain? My son will not let me be involved. He does not tell me of the appointments. He does not live with me so I cannot control him. I hoped that he could rise to the occasion. I accept it is my fault. Blame me. Please help my son live.

You don't explain maybe, Copa. You say: "Blame me. Please help my son to live."

That would be a perfect response.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

But all at once, I could see all the good things D H and I do not have now, and certainly did not have when our kids were that age.

But there are other good things that you do have. You have an integrity in your relationship with D H. You trust him absolutely, and he you. You know at the deepest level who you are and of what you are capable. You know your mettle which has been tested over and over again. The bonds of your family are unbreakable (talking or not talking.)

Anybody can have a dinner with lovely china. So what?

This society teaches us that the things worth having are material and successes which they designate arbitrarily. I would never begrudge the lady what she has. My sister is like that. The most important thing was to have her children on the fast track with other fast track kids. She lived with movie star neighbors. I cannot tell you where, but guess. So what?

I guess by never having anybody and nobody, I realized that I had plenty just having myself and my self-respect. That gave me the self-confidence to accept the love and care of M, a man who because of his circumstances most other women would not have considered, especially those of my social class.

I think that makes me special, not inferior. At least on my better days I think that.

Building upon my sense of an outsider, I chose work where I saw heroes of another sort.

There are people in this society who are marked from birth for failure and marginalization.

That by the the circumstances of your family you have come to know that pain, bear it and triumph, is the greatest of gifts, looked at from a certain point of view. We are talking about your immortal soul, here, Cedar, if you believe that way. I do. And I am not even religious.

The same Cedar that believes that I soared to heights caring for and loving my mother as she died, believes the same about herself. That this is soul work we are doing here.

That however wonderful are ballerinas and china, we have chosen the path of no less than Virgin Mary and millions like her. Remember Cedar. Don't cheat. You were blessed with the opportunity of this path....you were saved from ballerinas and dinner parties.

All at once, I am really, really angry or disgusted or something at my kids and at myself.

I do not believe you about the kids.

You? What in the world were you supposed to do? There is a heroin epidemic in this country. In of all places Western Massachusetts. I heard about it on Anthony Bourdain's show. He came from a wealthy and influential family in New Jersey. He became a heroin addict and was one for years and years. His mother did not know whether he was better off dead or alive. Things happen to people. Independent of their worthiness and the worthiness of their parents.

I believe in destiny. Things happen for a reason. What can we do but embrace our destiny and believe it to be divine and meaningful? Sounds good to me.

Do we all go off the cliff?

It is a "should" thing, again. I should have been a stronger mom. I should have been Oh for heaven's sake I don't know!

That is exactly it. What could you, should you do? Have done?

Look at me. I am a highly educated woman. I have been around the block. I mean by that I am practical and street smart. Nobody's fool. You know my profession. Highly experienced and regarded. Years and years of therapy.

There was every indication there that my son would have the problems he is having. Still, I was saving for if not Harvard, perhaps Brandeis. (SWOT will kill me here.)

What was I thinking???

I should have known that my son could not handle his medical care. I should have had all of this in place years ago. My son's life is at stake. We could say it is my fault.

I had hope that he could get it together. I saw so many strengths in him. I saw the glass half full, not empty.

Do I get the death penalty? Perhaps I should.

Do I deserve condemnation? You decide. Do you? NO.

Of course there had to have been intense deficits in my parenting abilities that I could not even see. Of course that is true...but, this? Part of it is that I am angry at myself.

Where do you want to go with this Cedar? What is this witch hunt really about? Through whose eyes do you see yourself now? Certainly not mine.

I really like the idea of parents' political organization to change the system. Maybe there are some of us who will organize.

But it just seems like D H and I have been so focused on keeping this leaky rowboat afloat when everyone else cruised past on ocean liners they were piloting so masterfully with daughter ballerinas at the front like living figureheads and I just got that.

But the thing is Cedar, where are they going on those ocean liners with ballerinas in the front? (I do want a replica, however.) Everybody lives real life. None of us can escape it. Your real life and that of our children, and mine, well, it is what it is.

There is real love there. There are many, many people who never in their lives experience the giving and receiving of real love. My God, how much must our children know how much we love them, and they, us? How many times has such been tested? And grown deeper and more secure? How much truth and commitment strengthens it, beyond the words and the kisses?

If I had acknowledged the truth of it sooner instead of



instead of being cowardly and insisting on that family dinner I am always posting about then maybe this would not have happened just as it has.

Yes. And this is what you are trying to help me with. And if it wasn't for your wisdom and good-heartedness and generosity, perhaps I would never have learned it. OK. I am still resisting, but there is movement, at least.

"Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave."

Yes. And what a wonderful gift is this.

I just love that you see me as brave, Cedar. I love being brave. I love every second of being brave, valiant. I love that I have had a meaningful life. A life of learning. I feel that every horrible thing that happens I expand. As if the outlines of my self, keep growing and growing bigger and bigger.

I see my life as a triumph. I would never have been who I am know. Without your help, your love, your greatness, your wisdom.

Look at who you are Cedar. You will not recognize yourself. You have greatness. You have achieved greatness. Look. Look for greatness. You will see Cedar there.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

There is a heroin epidemic in this country. In of all places Western Massachusetts. I heard about it on Anthony Bourdain's show. He came from a wealthy and influential family in New Jersey. He became a heroin addict and was one for years and years. His mother did not know whether he was better dead or alive. Things happen to people. Independent of their worthiness and the worthiness of their parents.

Really, Copa?

Huh.

I did not know that. I will look up Anthony B.

OK. I am still resisting, but there is movement, at least.

Ha! Copa, you are so funny.

I just love that you see me as brave, Cedar. I love being brave. I love every second of being brave, valiant. I love that I have had a meaningful life. A life of learning. I feel that every horrible thing that happens I expand. As if the outlines of my self, keep growing and growing bigger and bigger.

I see my life as a triumph. I would never have been who I am know. Without your help, your love, your greatness, your wisdom.

Look at who you are Cedar. You will not recognize yourself. You have greatness. You have achieved greatness. Look. Look for greatness. You will see Cedar there.

"I love that I have had a meaningful life...." Well, that could be true. But it is true that it has been a twisted life, Copa. But I suppose you could be right about the meaningfulness....

Well Copa you are right. It is our perspective that teaches us who we are, who we are creating ourselves to be. I could see myself as brave, Copa. I would like that. I will tell D H that when he comes home today. I was in such a state this morning. Oh, you should have seen me eating things without even having brushed my teeth or combed my hair.

"I see my life as a triumph...." Well, I suppose that could be a true way of seeing too, Copa. We have stayed right with really scary and painful things and done our best and come out the other side.... It will be a very private triumph then Copa because I swear it feels like I am rowing this really ugly little rowboat while everyone else does blast by blowing their yacht horns those dirty buggers.

Grrr....

Thank you, Copa.

I am feeling better.

The lady who hosted last night? Is a lovely person. She would never see herself blowing past as I described it, ever. That was me, being skunky.

***

It is easy to see your bravery and heroism.

Maybe I am secretly a hero, and very brave, too.

Okay.

Where is my pirate skirt, right everyone? I will have to change the logo from dollar signs to the Superman "S".

I do feel better Copa. Thank you. I liked the part about being brave.

I am brave.

So I will just go about doing brave things then.

Right after I have one more snack.

Copa? I just remembered you posted that you had disappeared fifteen pounds and had your facial bones back.



Cedar

Maybe I will not have that snack. I am actually like, really full.

Brave, but very full.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Can you text him the information instead, Copa?

I believe he doesn't have a phone. (I know, most of us have one now, so we assume everybody does)

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

What was I thinking???

I should have known that my son could not handle his medically care. I should have had all of this in place years ago. My son's life is at stake. We could say it is my fault.

I had hope that he could get it together. I saw so many strengths in him. I saw the glass half full, not empty.

Do I get the death penalty? Perhaps I should.

Do I deserve condemnation? You decide. Do you? NO.

Well no, of course you don't.

Oh.

This is a good way to see it, Copa.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

Oh, you should have seen me eating things without even having brushed my teeth or combed my hair.

I do not think I have ever in my life eaten in the privacy of my own home observing the Emily Post Rules of Etiquette of brushing my teeth and combing my hair or getting dressed. OK. I do brush my teeth after I eat. But not to be socially acceptable. Because it feels yucky.

Nor did my extremely lovely and oh so elegant mother worry about those things in her own home, where after all, we rule. She wore the rattiest of bathrobes.

Where did you learn that? Now after 3 or 4 days I may come to think M will leave me, if I do not comb my hair, but he has not done so yet. Maybe his sister is right. He is after my money.

Cedar. Why do you use that term, a "twisted" life? Twisted evokes some kind of aberration...Your life has had crisis and sadness and pain. That your life became something that you could not anticipate. True. But you responded. And you defined yourself by this. Not many people have this opportunity to be heroes. You do. You seized the opportunity to define yourself in your life. You became a hero.

Life does not get better than that, if you look at it that way. I do.

For all the tea in China I would not want to be my sister. Do I envy her that her kids are completing college and grad school? Yes? Would I want her life? No. Would I want her kids? No. Would I want my own? Maybe. (A joke.)

 

[Copabanana]

Cedar, I want to tell you one more thing about me.

The only reason I am who I am is because I suffered and I learned.

Even as a girl I had the same values as I do now. In my mother's stuff I read her description of me as non-materialistic, and selfless, I think. But I have a personality type that makes me easily dismissed and would have predicted that I remain quite ineffectual and unsubstantial as a person.

Exaggeratedly female. Hysterical they call it. Histrionic is another bad word that people would have thrown at me and they did. Overly emotional. Driven by emotions. (I had a friend who I had asked write a letter of reference to adopt a child. She wrote that because I was emotional, this should disqualify me as a parent. Gee. Maybe she was right, after all.) Shallow. Inconstant. Timid. Fearful.

I am often dismissed by colleagues. Until they know me and my work. Then they either respect me or try to hurt me because of envy or jealousy.

Had I not been traumatized as a girl I would have been the kind of woman who is attention seeking, dramatic, focused on her appearance, attracting men. Maybe even a diva-type. (Wow, would I have loved all of that.)

All of this is to say nothing in my personality makeup or my background would have predicted I would have had the depth I have come to have. The steadfastness. The commitment.

I became who I am because I faced problems. By doing so I became more than I ever could have or would have been. So, that is my philosophy of life.

I see so many people on this board doing the same thing. Post by post. Taking stand after stand. They build themselves into people they could not have dreamed of becoming. Every day you are here helping them do that. We could not do it without you. See yourself through our eyes, Cedar.

Cedar, I counted 7 smiley faces on that first post. I feel bad I did not put smiley faces for you. Later, when I come home, I will try to edit. I am sorry. You deserved lots of smiley faces.