Feeling heartbroken and helpless

[Beta]

I have read and re-read each comment and will continue to come back often to do that. So much wisdom. I'm so thankful for each of you who took the time to write your thoughts and to share your own situation. Just knowing there are others who understand what this is like lessens the sting a little bit and helps me keep going each day. Thank you.

 

[overcome mom]

I am new to this forum and it is so good to hear that "I am not the only one" I am sure this sounds awful but at times I wish I wouldn't hear from my son(25). Every time he calls all it is about is asking for money and some crisis he is in. The only time in the last year he has called for something other than that is when he was working and driving and enjoying himself but even then he never asked about my husband or myself.( Jobs only last for 6 weeks) It is so very interesting to hear about all the people with adopted children that have problems. My son is also adopted and his birthmother has the same personality traits. He has a personality disorder, ADD and has been diagnosed with bipolar which I also question. I have just told him I am not bailing him out of jail and am a bit worried for my safety as he too blames us and anyone around him for his problems. I try to focus on that my son needs to find his way and that my job was to raise him the best I could. I think I did this with all the love in my heart and I think some where deep down he knows this but his mental illness if preventing him from seeing this. At times I still see the little boy and it breaks my heart. I know he is scared and frighten and that why he lashes out. I am working on realizing that I can't help him by giving him money. It is only a temporary fix for the moment.

 

[Copabanana]

My son is also adopted

Mine is too. Most everything you say in your post applies to me.

Which is to say, welcome, overcome mom.

Why not start your own new thread where people can meet you.? You can go up to forums at the top. To parent support forums. Pick a forum, most likely, Parents Emeritus. You will see instructions which are simple to start a new thread (a blue button, I think), a place of a title and then for text. I will write a note to runawaybunny, the site administrator and alert her that you may want help starting your own thread. You can contact her or most of the rest of us by sending a private message through INBOX. That is up to the top on the right.

You are NOT alone. Most definitely not. Posting helps.

 

[BusynMember]

I have adopted five kids. The ones we adopted older had a lot of problems but our young adoptees are great. How old was your son when you adopted him? Did his birthmother use drugs or drink while pregnant? This is very important. Drugs in utero affect a developing brain. One of my very sweet adopted sons was addicted to crack at birth. He is an adult now and has autism and is doing well and is very lucky that he isnt a mess. But dont fool yourself. Any child who was in a drug or alcohol infested womb will have brain differences and problems in adulthood. That is child abuse before birth and has nothing to do with you. He had these issues before you even met him.

Please take care if yourself first. Your son us an adult. Whatever problems he has, he can make his life better. We can all reach our highest potential, whatever that is .

 

[Snow White]

Beta - sorry to hear of your situation. You have found a wonderful place for support and information. So many have already responded with great comments.

"If I just do this one thing, that will be the thing that makes the difference."

How many times have each one of us said this? Way too many times. It does not help and seems to reinforce their behaviour.

I agree with the others that you should get into therapy to work through your pain. I think a good therapist can help you see that this is not your fault and it's nothing that you did. Perhaps setting some healthy boundaries for your heart would help you deal with this. It could be long term or it could change at some point.

In the meantime you should focus on your husband and your other son and things that make YOU happy. We cannot control our adult children. Period.

Agree so strongly with RN's post. Therapy can help so much. And boundaries...can't say enough about them. We need boundaries to keep ourselves fit and strong. And keep coming here - there is always a shoulder for you.

Watch out for your interaction with your son and maybe I am wrong (shrug). These personality disorders are more new and many doctors are not as familiar with them as bipolar so patients are nabbed as bipolar when it isn't true or is not the whole picture. And personality disordered people can be dangerous.

I have borderline in my family. It is very difficult.

SWOT has a good point - it is important to really know what you are dealing with. Our daughter has borderline personality disorder - it has shattered our family and our hearts. The level of vindictiveness, maliciousness and violence almost can't be described. There is nothing our daughter won't say or do to get her way. She was diagnosed as having ADHD and Bipolar Disorder when younger in order to obtain services - a lot of service providers where we live won't work with borderlines.

Try to take time for the rest of your family. It's important.

Hugs to you.