Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I agree.
Feeling so helpless...frustrated and frightened for DS
- Thread starter BusynMember
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Well, Im proud of me today. Son called again and I puffed up my chest, ready to listen if he wanted to be nice, but unwilling to obsess with him over the case.
He told me his negatively twisted tale and I stayed upbeat. I did not get involved in his angst. After all, he does this to himself.
Son: The trial wont be until Sept. and I have to make it until then blah, blah, blah.
I decided to speak what I felt would help, knowing hed hang up, but I'm tired of his attitude. He WILL listen or get off the phone. I won't go negative with him.
Me: Instead of living far into the future, you'd relax a lot kore if you stopped to enjoy each day and not catastrophize about weeks ahead. Smell the roses...now, today. Enjoy each moment."
He hung up and I felt good because I gave him the best advice I knew. If he did it, he WOULD get through it. At the very least he'd feel calmer rather than living in his mind's horror of a terrible tomorrow...in his head.. But he won't even try. I cant make him.
He is 38. He is on his own. I'm done listening to a childish rant. I will continue to tell him the best advice I have and he will continue to hang up.
This will avoid long, depressing conversations of "all is lost and I won't do anything to feel better."
I won't even have to be the bad guy ending the call...lol. Good advice repels him like holding up a cross repels a vampire!
I am much calmer. I made the decision to sto trying. It is a good decision.
He told me his negatively twisted tale and I stayed upbeat. I did not get involved in his angst. After all, he does this to himself.
Son: The trial wont be until Sept. and I have to make it until then blah, blah, blah.
I decided to speak what I felt would help, knowing hed hang up, but I'm tired of his attitude. He WILL listen or get off the phone. I won't go negative with him.
Me: Instead of living far into the future, you'd relax a lot kore if you stopped to enjoy each day and not catastrophize about weeks ahead. Smell the roses...now, today. Enjoy each moment."
He hung up and I felt good because I gave him the best advice I knew. If he did it, he WOULD get through it. At the very least he'd feel calmer rather than living in his mind's horror of a terrible tomorrow...in his head.. But he won't even try. I cant make him.
He is 38. He is on his own. I'm done listening to a childish rant. I will continue to tell him the best advice I have and he will continue to hang up.
This will avoid long, depressing conversations of "all is lost and I won't do anything to feel better."
I won't even have to be the bad guy ending the call...lol. Good advice repels him like holding up a cross repels a vampire!
I am much calmer. I made the decision to sto trying. It is a good decision.
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karisma
Member
I think your decision is awesome! You get to give the best of what you know.
And, you don't have to endure any ranting or criticism about your excellent advice.
I love it.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I think my son is anxious and narcissistic. He is not interested in ANYONE but himself, like my Dad. im not in denial. You cant talk to him about ANYTHING if he isnt the topic.
I have generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and have had a ton of phobias, but I am in no way narcissistic. I am very interested in other people.
Anxiety doesn't make anybody only interested in himself. It makes talking to Son very boring. Could be why he has no friends. He also lacks empathy, which saddens me. He treats the girl who is crazy about him like garbage. I dont know why she stays. He is using her because she loves ves him so he can rant about his case to her...plus he doesnt have to be alone if he keeps her around...for now.
He has always treated people who liked him very badly...not just family or girls. What do you call that? Anxiety doesn't make you not nice to people. Apples and oranges. It started in toddlerhood. He would hurt other kids. My other kids were so sweet as toddlers and young kids. Not him.
I have generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and have had a ton of phobias, but I am in no way narcissistic. I am very interested in other people.
Anxiety doesn't make anybody only interested in himself. It makes talking to Son very boring. Could be why he has no friends. He also lacks empathy, which saddens me. He treats the girl who is crazy about him like garbage. I dont know why she stays. He is using her because she loves ves him so he can rant about his case to her...plus he doesnt have to be alone if he keeps her around...for now.
He has always treated people who liked him very badly...not just family or girls. What do you call that? Anxiety doesn't make you not nice to people. Apples and oranges. It started in toddlerhood. He would hurt other kids. My other kids were so sweet as toddlers and young kids. Not him.
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I do not thinks so he has a job does not take drugs loves his son and well does things for others. If he does not care anyone else but him why did he visited you in the hospital why does he not take drugs why does he not live of unemployment why does he uses so much time and money for his son and the detriment of his own health?
Do you really think he He is not interested in anyone but himself after all he did?
Do you really think he He is not interested in anyone but himself after all he did?
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Not in the way actual psychopaths do, no. And he most certainly loves his son.
He did not visit me in the hospital. He doesnt leave St. Louis for any reason.I am pretty sure that when my 92 year old dad passes, he wont come in. But he will feel sad and was worried about me after my accident. My dad can care too, although he really has no interest in his kids, his grandkids, etc.
Both my dad and my son live in their own worlds where they are bored and disinterested in hearing about anyone or anything that does not involve them. My son has harmed prople, but claims it never happened. He uses people for what they can do for him. This girl he knows is an example. She loves him, cleans his house top to bottom, mows his enourmous lawn, cooks gourmet meals for him, etc. yet he doesnt care for her. And he expects HER to buy the food for cooking and she doesnt make much money.
"She helps me while I go through my case and lets me vent, but m not attracted to her and will have to find a way to get rid of her after my case. Right now she has her uses...I dont have to worry about the housecleaning and lawn. Most of the time we are in different parts of the house. I tell her the case has me so stressed that I'm not interested in sex. We dont sleep together and it will never happen. But I have to be careful. I dont want to tick her off and have her go running to ex, not while Im in litigation."
We've had a version of this conversation many times and it always makes my heart drop to my stomach. Except for his son, he isn't nice to people. He uses them with no regard to their feelings.
His last girlfriend bought many expensive things for the house. They were really hers. But he wouldnt let her take them when she left. He knew she didnt have enough extra money to take khim to court. She writes to him about once a year about how terrible he is and how he stole from her. His only concern is that she may contact his ex and go into cahoots with her.
He doesnt always talk nice to me either.
He is not a psychpath. But he isnt very nice to people. He never has been, since very young childhood. There was a big difference between his behavior and that of my other young children who showed normal empathy toward others. He didnt and still doesn't. Except for his son. He does desperately loves his son.
He treated his old friends from school in a demeaning way too, so its not women only. He has no friends. And doesn't care. So ai do believe he has a personality disorder.
I think a lot of the difficult kids here have them. They wont kill anyone, but many lack empathy. Some of them are that way due to drugs, but sometimes not. I am a realist, even if it hurts. And it does hurt. But I cant dent truths or feel that a 38 year old who thinks nothing is wrong with how he treats people is going to change. I cant delude myself with hope. Losing girlfriends, his wife, and all his siblings dont phalz him. He blames them.
It is what it is. I love him, but I have a very realistic view of him based on hiw he has always been.bI left out the worst of it.
He did not visit me in the hospital. He doesnt leave St. Louis for any reason.I am pretty sure that when my 92 year old dad passes, he wont come in. But he will feel sad and was worried about me after my accident. My dad can care too, although he really has no interest in his kids, his grandkids, etc.
Both my dad and my son live in their own worlds where they are bored and disinterested in hearing about anyone or anything that does not involve them. My son has harmed prople, but claims it never happened. He uses people for what they can do for him. This girl he knows is an example. She loves him, cleans his house top to bottom, mows his enourmous lawn, cooks gourmet meals for him, etc. yet he doesnt care for her. And he expects HER to buy the food for cooking and she doesnt make much money.
"She helps me while I go through my case and lets me vent, but m not attracted to her and will have to find a way to get rid of her after my case. Right now she has her uses...I dont have to worry about the housecleaning and lawn. Most of the time we are in different parts of the house. I tell her the case has me so stressed that I'm not interested in sex. We dont sleep together and it will never happen. But I have to be careful. I dont want to tick her off and have her go running to ex, not while Im in litigation."
We've had a version of this conversation many times and it always makes my heart drop to my stomach. Except for his son, he isn't nice to people. He uses them with no regard to their feelings.
His last girlfriend bought many expensive things for the house. They were really hers. But he wouldnt let her take them when she left. He knew she didnt have enough extra money to take khim to court. She writes to him about once a year about how terrible he is and how he stole from her. His only concern is that she may contact his ex and go into cahoots with her.
He doesnt always talk nice to me either.
He is not a psychpath. But he isnt very nice to people. He never has been, since very young childhood. There was a big difference between his behavior and that of my other young children who showed normal empathy toward others. He didnt and still doesn't. Except for his son. He does desperately loves his son.
He treated his old friends from school in a demeaning way too, so its not women only. He has no friends. And doesn't care. So ai do believe he has a personality disorder.
I think a lot of the difficult kids here have them. They wont kill anyone, but many lack empathy. Some of them are that way due to drugs, but sometimes not. I am a realist, even if it hurts. And it does hurt. But I cant dent truths or feel that a 38 year old who thinks nothing is wrong with how he treats people is going to change. I cant delude myself with hope. Losing girlfriends, his wife, and all his siblings dont phalz him. He blames them.
It is what it is. I love him, but I have a very realistic view of him based on hiw he has always been.bI left out the worst of it.
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Wow the worst kind of couple the self interest one with low self esteem one none will ever grow from this relationship. But yeah I was thinking at the extreme kind of narcissist. But its harder and harder to find people who do not want to talk about themselves. Really hard.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I know nobody beside my son snd my dad who never talk about anything but them. Nobody. And I never tell my kids what to do. Hard and fast rule of mine...we are all adults here. But I wish he would tell this woman the truth, even though she serves a selfish purpose in his life. He wouldn't listen anyway. Literally. He'd hang up.
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
SWOT, there's no way to say this nicely, but hearing about the way your son is exploiting this woman just proves it: he's an a**hole through and through.
And, it sounds like, so is your father.
And, it sounds like, so is your father.
Its funny how easily he tells you this things you are his mother and teached him better yet he has no problem telling you how he well ignores (to not use harsher a word) what you teached him for so long. Where is the shame?
Its funny for me because this things I find funny for some reason like irony.
But on the other hand he did not view his son as he views him now who is gonna love the child considering what I heard about the mother.
Ironbutterfly
If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree
SWOT, I found an article on Narcisssts: At the end of this article is Knowing when to stay or leave with these type of people. I am so sorry things came to a head. It sounds like you have a good understanding of your son and his personality. I feel bad for you and your family and his girlfriend.
http://narcissistsupport.com/word-salad-narc-speak/
http://narcissistsupport.com/word-salad-narc-speak/
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Oh, dont feel bad. Hes not a malignant narcissist. He doesnt physically harm pr steal. He uses. The only people who are in touch with him on the family are me and ex. He is pvetly attached to his spn, pethaps as an extension of himsrlf, but he does lvr him desperately. And the boys mother is really cruel to the boy.
I am very aware of how he is. I am aware of how my father is. I choose to have a relationship with both. I have dealt with people like this all my life. Hence my strongly wondering if I should have had any kids. I think its genetic. My mother was a real piece of work too. I do see so goodin him too. He honestly did care about my accident and called a lot and I know he loves me. But he really doesnt take the needs of others into consideration.
I am very aware of how he is. I am aware of how my father is. I choose to have a relationship with both. I have dealt with people like this all my life. Hence my strongly wondering if I should have had any kids. I think its genetic. My mother was a real piece of work too. I do see so goodin him too. He honestly did care about my accident and called a lot and I know he loves me. But he really doesnt take the needs of others into consideration.
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
Well, hopefully, your son will let your grandson participate in activities after the court case is decided. That is the part that worries me about his relationship with his boy (and it obviously worries you, too). That is what led me to say the part about the unhealthy attachment. But, it could be just a temporary thing.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I dont know. If Grandson asked to be in activities, Son would do it in a heartbeat. But he always says he doesnt want to go. I think Grandson doesnt like to be away from him either. My son offers him tons of unconditional love and attention. And I am proud of him for that.
I hope things improve after the trial. Grandson has revealed terror to me sbout his mon and step dad and I know stepdad slaps him, even across the face. But hes too afraid of them to tell the police or cps. I called anyway, but they were sympathetic, but said they had no proof. They make sure he doesnt have marks on him.
Three of my four kids loathed activities. I did make them try them, but only Jumper kept them up.
I hope things improve after the trial. Grandson has revealed terror to me sbout his mon and step dad and I know stepdad slaps him, even across the face. But hes too afraid of them to tell the police or cps. I called anyway, but they were sympathetic, but said they had no proof. They make sure he doesnt have marks on him.
Three of my four kids loathed activities. I did make them try them, but only Jumper kept them up.
