Feeling so helpless...frustrated and frightened for DS

[Albatross]

SWOT, I am sorry you are at the receiving end of this explosion of vitriol.

When Son called to say "SEE I TOLD YOU SHE'D MESS IT UP AND GET HER WAY." I was too stunned to know what to say. Then, as he was escalting, we had this sort of conversation, not verbatom.

Son: See? Don't EVER underestimate J. I aml NOT going to be able to take this!

Me: (trying to think of a positive) Having temp. residential custody could lead to permanant.

Son: You must think I'm stupid. You['re acting as dumb as ex.

Me: Look, it's time for you to be strong and figure out a way to deal with this....

Son: You are so useless (hang up)

Well...I am going to disagree with son here and say I think what you said is really quite smart and spot on. But you know what? You could have been world-renowned trial lawyer, psychologist, and parenting authority all in one and he would have said the same thing because he's scared and panicked and is trying to push it off on someone else.

He is a suicide risk and is letting his body kill him too, but I'm more concerned about suicide. He doesn't bring that up to me because he knows I'll call 911, but I know he is thinking about it.

I am going to indulge myself with one last regret that doesn't help anyone: If Son had only listened to anyone in the family about ex before he married her, we wouldn't be here. But Son always says to that that he is glad he has his son.

This is why I am inclined to think (and certainly hope) suicide is not an option to him. He loves that little guy WAY too much.

Yikes, SWOT. Again, just so sorry you are pulled into the middle of this. I wish he would consider some counseling, or even taking up tae kwon do or racquetball or KICKING TREES or something to burn off some stress and maybe get moving and burn off a little stress. But you sure don't deserve any of that.

Yes ma'am, keep the phone in the drawer. Good advice for pretty much anybody around here a lot of the time.

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you, Albie. He won't do anything except obsess on the case. All suggestions to take a drive, work out, go to a support group, read a book etc are shot down. He just wants to talk about the case every second. Its like he WANTS to obsess and invent worse case scenarios! Says talking about it out loud non stop helps him and is the only thing that helps him and that I need to overlook his nastiness to help him. And my Journaling suggestion did not go over well.. lol

Maybe this method helps him, but it makes a wreck out of me and I matter too. I can't listen to that sort of childish negativity three times a day. I am not a shrink. I am just a person. That's it.

 

[mof]

If did it once...He can do it again

 

[BusynMember]

Honestly...maybe others exist on this earth who are as negative as he is, but nobody could possibly be worse...lol.

 

[FlowerGarden]

Sorry you are going through this with your son. Anxiety seems to send him into overdrive and become obsessed with the situation. Still not an excuse for treating you like he is. I'd tell him not to call unless he's gotten on medication & into therapy because what he is doing is not good for your health. Please take care of yourself and do the things that help you relax. You deserve it with what you have been going through.

 

[BusynMember]

I won't talk to him again for a while. I am not going to get sick over sonething I cant control.bThanks for your kind words.

 

[Copabanana]

When I was being mistreated by that stupid job M told me this: You either change or you leave. You cannot change anybody. Ever. People change themselves or not.

It frustrated me, his saying this. I did not get it. I believed that the employers had an obligation to me to fulfill their promises, because it was the right thing.

Over the past month or so I have been trying to come to grips with what this means to me and for others.

There is an inmate patient at work who is forever battling authority based upon legal codes, on what is right. Guess how successful he is? Fish in a barrel comes to mind. When the predictable happens he is left to self-destruct. Because the issue is never about right and wrong *except in his own head. It is about power. Power trumps right and wrong.

Another man in the same group said this when I asked him what do you do when the world turns against you and you lose what you love: (I posted this in another thread.)

I tell myself that I am worthy.
I tell myself that there are people who love me.
I tell myself G-d loves me.

I have come to see this is genius. Unlike prisoner number one, prisoner number two is fighting his battle where he can win. I did not do that. Until now.

(I know you have no patience with the G-d word.) But I am repeating this to make a point: Because I got an insight in the last day or two I never had--about myself. I have tended to fight battles on terrain I could never win.

That is why M is right.The only terrain we can win is in our own mind.

That is why it is so difficult for us with our kids. We cannot win with them. Because they always control the terrain. And we cannot easily leave (I would argue that we cannot leave at all, but some will disagree.)

Bart is Bart. He will not change (for you.) It can be argued that his best chance is if you set a limit and protect yourself as others have argued. As long as you permit yourself to be his punching bag, he has no incentive to look for an alternative way to deal with himself. Bart is abusing his power in his relationship with you. When I read your post, your response is rooted in love and concern and responsibility. It will always be so. You will always answer Bart's abusive power play with love....you may momentarily become frustrated but the love will always be resurgent.

But the thing is. For the love to be the truest, it has to be extended to yourself, too. If it is not it is not a pure thing, because it has been diluted by fear, or guilt or other emotions, maybe even doubt or a lack of confidence in Bart or his potential. Because that is the pit we always fall into when we cannot meet our children's actions with the honesty they deserve.

Bart insulted you, he disrespected you, he hurt you. Your love for him is big enough to answer him with the truth. Maybe not today or this week. But sometime. That is what I think.

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you Copa.

by the way I am a big believer of a higher power. I don't mind prayers or hearing God. I dont care what it is called.Something bigger than me...I do know it's there.

I agree with your helpful post it's up to others to change and up to us to change ourselves.

Thanks again.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

SWOT,

I am angry for you. You shouldn't tolerate this behavior. Lil is right, he is making himself feel better by taking his anger out on you instead of dealing with it in a rational adult manner.

Honestly, I would head this off at the pass. I would call him and tell him that you absolutely support him, but you will not tolerate any type of verbal abuse, and that if he can't deal with this issue constructively, or discuss it in a calm, rational manner not to call.

I would, then, proceed to hang up on him every single time he steps out of line.

Every. Single. Time.

You can't help someone who refuses to be helped, and he doesn't want help, he wants a punching bag. It is totally unacceptable.

 

[Childofmine]

M is right.

You either change or you leave. You cannot change anybody. Ever. People change themselves or not.

Telling an employer that something they are doing is not right is for sure the right thing to do. Then, if it doesn't change, you have a decision to make.

M is right. Maybe this situation is another way to learn about boundaries and letting go. Maybe something really good will come from this, for you.

Hang in there. You have made remarkable progress. It is very clear. (this should be the headline). You are growing and changing and learning. Don't lose sight of that. Change is very uncomfortable and doesn't go in a straight line.

 

[Lil]

He thinks about the case 24/7 and is all about how NOBODY deals with this extreme a legal battle after a divorce lol. Lil, Im sure you are laughing with me.

ROFLMAO!

He should do my job ONE WEEK and he'd find out that his life is pretty darn golden.

So I got confused...was the continuance granted? If not, is today the day? (And he could go to court and have the judge continue it anyway...be prepared.)

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, I was sure youd laugh at his point of view...lol.

He has no idea why...his lawyer was in court all day yesterday...but he has a call into the lawyer for today with a laundry list of questions (poor man). One of sons biggest fears is being cross examined or having to speak in court. One of his questions is, "Will I have to tslk in court now?" I tried to tell him that his lawyer won't know, but he wants to ask everything he listed. Whatevah!!!

Right now Son has no idea if he got temp legal custody or if ex agreed to enroll him in the school he has always gone to until the final ruling. This case is all about how ex moved and unilaterally signed him up at her school district.

Son had bought a house in son's school district and did not want Grandson to be forced to move to a new school so he filed for residential custody. Ex went pro ce until last week and her new attorney asked for a continuance. At first rhe Judge said not unless the other counsel agreed or if there was a hearing. Well, Son's lawyer hasnt been in touch with Son. There was no hearing listed on Casenet. And all Son knows is that lawyer's office called yesterday to say a continuance was granted. it's driving him nuts. Hes driving ME nuts...lol.

 

[GoingNorth]

What more does your son WANT fro his attorney? He got the contiinuance and was notified of same.

He's too self-centered to realize he isn't his lawyer's only client, and in fact, if his lawyer is a good divorce and family law attorney, he's got LOT'S of other clients that he has to take care of as well.

I think you are right, SWOT: this is narcissism you are dealing with. I'm sorry.

 

[BusynMember]

He didn't want a continuous. Ex did.

 

[Lil]

And all Son knows is that lawyer's office called yesterday to say a continuance was granted.

Ah...so it was continued. I imagine there was a hearing. Bart would not have been present. That type of a motion hearing is simply the two lawyers showing up and arguing their side to the judge. Generally it's on a "law day" docket where dozens of lawyers appear. There's nothing evidentiary and so no witnesses, it's purely legal maneuvering.

Yes, Bart does need to know if there was any ruling other than the continuance. So he should ask the lawyer if he can enroll Jr. in school, etc.

Of course he will be testifying if they have a custody hearing and he will be crossed examine. He better get used to that idea quick, fast and in a hurry. Take a deep breath, tell the truth. It's answering questions, not rocket science.

 

[GoingNorth]

It is scary to be cross-examined, to be a witness, or to be deposed. I've been through all of them. I gave my first deposition when I was 11 years old and i was petrified. I have also been through a polygraph exam.

They're all scary. But, son is going to HAVE to speak in front of the court as part of his custody battle. He needs to let his lawyer know this terrifies him,. The lawyer should be able to, or more likely, assign someone to, coach him and calm him down some.

My lifesaver was an older, female paralegal who put me through a "pretend" deposition, complete with court stenographer. By the time she got done coaching me, AND I knew whicih questions I didn't have to answer. I walked into the actual deposition feeling sure of myself and empowered.

SWOT, the best gift you can give your son riight now is to back off of being his whipping boy. Despte what he thinks, it isn't the help he needs. He needs to reach out to his legal team for support, reach out to MH Pros, and bulding a more empowered life for himself.

 

[rebelson]

Honestly, I would head this off at the pass. I would call him and tell him that you absolutely support him, but you will not tolerate any type of verbal abuse, and that if he can't deal with this issue constructively, or discuss it in a calm, rational manner not to call.

I would, then, proceed to hang up on him every single time he steps out of line.

Every. Single. Time.

I agree with SK. Set down the boundary and then stick with it. That way, no guilt for you. I mean, doing it this way you are clearly and calmly letting him know that you will support him IF he can talk to you in a respectful manner. And that if he does not follow through with this, it is on him. He can then do it solo.

I think you were one of the ones who gave me this same advice.

Sorry you are going through this. You have a lot of wisdom, I can see why son relies on you. When my (histrionic) mom was alive, I called her all the time, for advice. I miss her, and even all her drama.

Did you make the Al Anon meeting?

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you all.

I didnt go to Al Anon because its so hot I just stayed in. I did keep the phone off durigng is drive time to work. Turns out he tried cslling three timed in a row. Too bad.

Later I heard from him once and figured he'd be okay becsuse he was at work and has to keep the voice down. It was a fast call. Nothing new. I really sm not going to live his case with him. He needs to figure out another way. I will cut back my availability. if hed listen and not call me names, I'd be happy to lend an ear. But he isn't so I can't.

if he calls later, on the drive home, I won't answer. I've always tried to talk to him only when I'm feeling strong and up for him to biotch. If I am not up to him, I dont answer. I never keep my phone on after 9pm.

Today I am feeling like I need a break. I feel bad that I don't like to talk to him like I do with my other kids, but that in my opinion is on him.

Like most d c, he doesnt care about anyone else in the family, only talks about himself and in his case has the narcissist trait of being bored talking about anything that isn't about him.

My Dad is just like that and Dad goes off the rails too when he is angry. in fact, my dad is worse!

Anyhow going to enjoy Skyping with my daughter and grand as soon as grand wakes up. Princess and I are really close now that theres a grandchild that I adore in the picture. I will focus on those I love who are loving. It may be lazy, but its easier.

 

[Copabanana]

Telling an employer that something they are doing is not right is for sure the right thing to do. Then, if it doesn't change, you have a decision to make.

COM. Thank you. I am replying in a new thread. Hope Bart is OK, SWOT.

 

[A dad]

Your son sufers from cripling anxiety or at least close to that as he can keep a job and moved away

Thank you all.

I didnt go to Al Anon because its so hot I just stayed in. I did keep the phone off durigng is drive time to work. Turns out he tried cslling three timed in a row. Too bad.

Later I heard from him once and figured he'd be okay becsuse he was at work and has to keep the voice down. It was a fast call. Nothing new. I really sm not going to live his case with him. He needs to figure out another way. I will cut back my availability. if hed listen and not call me names, I'd be happy to lend an ear. But he isn't so I can't.

if he calls later, on the drive home, I won't answer. I've always tried to talk to him only when I'm feeling strong and up for him to biotch. If I am not up to him, I dont answer. I never keep my phone on after 9pm.

Today I am feeling like I need a break. I feel bad that I don't like to talk to him like I do with my other kids, but that in my opinion is on him.

Like most d c, he doesnt care about anyone else in the family, only talks about himself and in his case has the narcissist trait of being bored talking about anything that isn't about him.

My Dad is just like that and Dad goes off the rails too when he is angry. in fact, my dad is worse!

Anyhow going to enjoy Skyping with my daughter and grand as soon as grand wakes up. Princess and I are really close now that theres a grandchild that I adore in the picture. I will focus on those I love who are loving. It may be lazy, but its easier.

For someone who has no friends or social life with everything revolving around him and his son not much else to talk about. This is more the fault of anxiety then narcicism.