Forgotten on Mother's Day

[SadMominTx]

I waited patiently until Noon, no text, phone call or anything from my son. He is 23 and has no job, been to jail 3 times for misdemeanor pot arrests, currently has a suspended drivers license unit Jan 2016. He took off to Austin with a bunch of friends last Wednesday and has been doing nothing but partying (smoking pot, drinking, hanging out at the river).

I have no clue how he is managing since he has zero cash. He and his friends stay at some girls apartment in Austin and I guess they feed him and pay for everything. Or he's doing something I don't know about.

He texted me a couple of times since he has been gone to check in but when I try to ask what he's doing he is vague and refuses to give me info. He has no cell phone so we text via Facebook. He doesn't post anything on Facebook (he uses Instagram and it's private).

Anyway, his life revolves around smoking pot and hanging with his pot smoking friends. No car, no job, no money, no cell.... I honestly don't know how his friends don't get tired from him mooching off them.

I thought yesterday or this morning he'd contact me and wish me a Happy Mother's Day but come Noon, no word. I was hurt and angry so I sent him a text "So glad you remembered to wish me a Happy Mother's Day"...

He immediately texted back "Wow - I was just fixing to text you". (Yea right).

His birthday was two weeks ago. He turned 23 and I gave him cash, bought him some new shirts and took him out to eat. I do not give him money or help him otherwise except let him live with me.

He's been a mess since he graduated high school. Arrested 3 times, I always ran and bailed him out of jail and he used up his savings paying me back and towards attorneys fees (who didn't help him at all).

He's lied to me repeatedly, stays secretive and is disrespectful. Now of all days today, I hear nothing until I send an angry text and he immediately happens to be online and can text back.

What was really sad was last night at about 7:30p I had a knock on my door. A lady was standing outside with a small vase of flowers. I actually thought my son had sent me flowers since he was out of town. (Why I don't know since he has no money). When I opened the door she said "Hi, these are for your neighbor but she is not answering her door can you sign for them?" I told her no and to call back whoever sent them. So she goes "I don't have a phone, if I give you the number can you call?". For crying out loud can you make it any worse to throw someone elses flowers in my face? I shut the door and just cried.

I have raised my only son alone and he is my only family. He has no plans on coming home today nor will I get a card or anything so I am going to get dressed and leave for a while. When he comes home I just want to tell him to pack his stuff and leave for good.

 

[BusynMember]

SadMom, I am very sorry. Your story is not unusual. Keep reading. There are some adults who fail to launch and get involved in illegal drugs, bad friends, they get money in illegal ways (very creative and troublesome) and the last thing they think about is Mother's Day. They only come when they need money. Then suddenly you hear from them and they may even try to butter you up and be nice to you until you turn them down (which I hope you have been doing).Why do you let him live with you? Is he contributing to the rent and chores? Is he respectful? Is he drug free in your castle? I personally would have made him leave if he was doing nothing with his life. Has he stolen anything? Assaulted you? Destroyed your property at all? Abused you in any way? If so, in my opinion it's time for him to do it somewhere else.

Most parents on this forum are learning or have learned how to cope with having a dysfunctional adult child and yet enjoy life on our own...for ourselves...because we matter too. We can not control our adult children, but we can control how we act toward them and it doesn't help them if we are so depressed we can't function. It just brings us down to their level and I recommend Al-Anon or some professional theapist to help yourself learn coping skills for YOU.

Do you have a SO? A niece or nephew you are close to? Anyone else you can spend time wih? A good friend? If not, this is just one day and too much importance is placed on holidays, which cause angst and even suicide. Tomorrow will be here soon and Tomorrow is the First Day of the Rest of your Life, no matter how old you are. And you can decide to make that life AWESOME> You can also go lo contact with your adult kid and only talk to him, even on FB, on your terms. If he posts something you don't want to respond to, don't. I personally hate FB and don't even use mine anymore. Texting is the same. YOu don't have to answer anything. You can wait until you are good and ready...and calm enough to talk to him, and iI'd keep the conversations short.

It is hurtful when our adult children are selfish, but we can learn to live a life that is happy and fulfilling without them being a big part of our lives. Many of us are doing well.

Keep posting.

 

[Echolette]

Oh, sadmom, my heart breaks for you. I am sorry your son is so self-involved. He doesn't see you. A lot of 23 year olds do not! In all seriousness, even ideal well behaved kids sometimes forget...

My hope for you is that you can use today to start taking steps to find your own happiness, one that doesn't rely on your son. I hope that you can find your own sweet days and sweet life, and that on Mother's Day you can be happy for whatever happy memories of mothering or being mothered you have.

Relying on others, especially if those others are DCs, but even if they are not, is fraught with pain and hazard. The richness of life comes from within, and it is there for all of us, just waiting.

Read a book today. Go for a walk. Light a candle and say a prayer for your son. Eat your favorite food. Play your favorite song. Pick a goal for next week or next year that makes you smile. Pick one of those things today and do it...be kind to yourself.

I am sorry, sadmom. It has happened to us all, more than once. We are here with you.

Echo

 

[pasajes4]

I am sorry that your son is acting like the backend of a horse. You can still enjoy your day. Do something you enjoy. I mean this in the most loving, and in the gentlest way, it is time to stop having your life hinge on what your ADULT son is doing. I too live in Texas. I am right down the road from Austin. There is a subculture that thrives in Austin. Your son is one of many that live that particular life style. It is more or less tolerated by the citizens of that city. He will be ok as long as he lives by the rules of that culture. It is all a part of "Keep Austin Weird".

You do not have to tolerate his choices in your home.

 

[Iwantpeace]

Sad Mom,
I'm sorry for your pain. I know what it's like to have an only son and him be your only family. You will get some advice on this site that might sound painful at first, but very helpful. I Would suggest also to read others stories and hopefully you can learn from what others have been through. I wish I had found this site when my son was 23. You will read about detachment which I didn't have a clue was until someone posted here. My opinion is young people today who are living like your son are usually not just smoking pot. Please don't take that as a judgement. I just want you to be prepared incase it's more than that.

I made excuses so long for my son and now I can't hide or cover for him. It is not an easy journey and things can get worse when grandchild comes in the picture. Now I have 2 that I love, miss and worry about. I am new to all of this and I can tell you this site has given me a tool. I still waver between tears and trying to function and sorry to say the tears have been winning.

Even though it is so painful for me to sit home alone and cry on mothers day I know that this is the least of my problems. I don't mean to make light of you story of the lady delivering flowers to your home because I know I would have felt the same way! Don't be mad PLEASE but it made me chuckle at the irony of it. I felt a little sorry for the delivery lady. I have come to the place where I know it's better to not have any expectations. I would be shocked if my son had done something nice for me for many of the past few years on Mothers Day.

My hope for you is that you can find something to laugh at or some peaceful moments this Mother's Day. Know that you are not alone, you have found a soft place to fall

 

[nlj]

I'm so sorry Sadmom.
We've all been there and we all know exactly how much sadness this causes.
It doesn't mean that your son doesn't love you.
It just means that he's absorbed in his own stuff and his own disfunctional behaviour and he doesn't realise how much you are hurting.
Have you ever told him how you feel? How you worry? How you weep for him?
Often they have no idea.
But Sadmom, don't forget, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
Even though that's what it feels like.

Don't assume that the woman with the flower delivery has some sort of perfect relationship with her kids. Nothing's what it seems. We often do that don't we? Compare our carcrash of a situation with some perceived notion of other people's perfect families. It's never accurate.

I'm sorry Sadmom.
Do something nice for yourself.

You can't fix him. He has to fix himself. It's not your fault. It's life.
Acceptance and detachment.
It's not easy.
It's a route to peace though.
Peace and ... eventually... a way to smile.

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome SadMom, I'm glad you found this site. I'm sorry your heart is hurting. I have been there, all of us here on this site have been there.

I have lost track of how many years it's been since my son acknowledged me on Mothers Day, my birthday or Christmas. It used to really bother me and I too would be in tears but I've had many years to deal with it.

My son also prefers to party, his focus is on his drugs and drinking, not his mother.

I agree with what all the others have already posted.

It's hard to understand how our own child can be so selfish but the lure of the party lifestyle and the use of drugs and alcohol gets a hold of them, it turns them away from the family that truly loves them.

You will never be able to change your son. Trust me, I've tried with my own son. Our Difficult Child (difficult children) have made a choice in how they want to live their life and nothing we can do will dissuade them. They won't change until they get to a point that they have had enough.

The only person you have any control over is yourself. If you want to survive this heartache you need to start focusing on reclaiming your life. No more sitting around waiting for him to call you and message you on FB. It's time to start doing things for yourself. What is it that you used to do that you really enjoyed but haven't done in a long time, go do that. Find new hobbies, go for a walk, take a bubble bath, buy YOURSELF flowers. It's time to take your life back.

I would also give thought to not letting him live with you. If he is not contributing then why is he there? At 23 he should be taking care of himself. From what you posted he doesn't spend much time at your home anyway so it's apparent that he is capable of finding other living arrangements.

I don't want this to sound cold but the longer you allow him to live in your home the easier you are making it for him to not take responsibility for his own life.

Stay close to this site, there are many warrior parents here that have been through the battle with our Difficult Child and we have survived and we thrive.

((HUGS)) to you............

 

[Albatross]

I am sorry, sadmom, sorry that your mother's day was so disappointing and that your son was so selfish and defensive. I agree that even our "normal" kids can be pretty selfish at that age, but it hurts to be ignored (especially when everywhere we go today we are greeted with marquees and radio announcements and restaurant specials touting how very special and loved we are and our own kids aren't even calling us -- really? are you kidding me? -- you couldn't even take 5 seconds to CALL?!?). The marketing of Mother's Day really doesn't help us parents of difficult children one tiny bit. It is best to find happiness within ourselves, I think.

 

[Carri]

You're not alone, sadmom. It's now 9:15 pacific time and I didn't hear a word from my 30 year old son. It's very hurtful. Very selfish. I went on a 6 mile walk at the beach this afternoon and observed countless families enjoying the day with their mothers. Guess I kept thinking he'd call or text. But it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm so disappointed. When he was in prison last Mother's Day and wrote how much he missed me and wished he could be with me. Ha... Actions speak louder than words.

 

[Childofmine]

Sadmom, I would venture to say that nearly every single mom on this site has lived through multiple Mother's Day's like the one you describe.

That doesn't make it any easier, but please know that you are not alone.

And it does hurt, a lot.

For the past six years, until this year, either my Difficult Child was in jail, homeless or just did little to nothing when it came to me and any occasion, Mother's Day, birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving. One Thanksgiving Day he broke into my garage after being told he could not come here (completely out of control, he was, at that time). I rousted him up and out and cried the entire time I was doing it. I called the police to see if they could help. They came, were very kind, took him aside and talked to him for a long time, even videotaped him so he could see himself right then, and how he looked and sounded (completely high and out of control) and to no avail.

Unbelievable, the lengths to which they go.

My son's issue was prescription pills, and he went to jail for use/abuse/selling/stealing multiple times. He has two felonies.

Today he is 25 (almost 26 years old). The only thing I was able to do was to stop helping him in any way whatsoever, and take a huge giant step back physically and emotionally from him. That doesn't mean I didn't still love him but he and I had to have a lot of space, time and distance between us for me to heal and for him to have a chance to start taking responsibility for his own life.

It was very hard for me to make this change----and it was completely up to me to make all of the change---because he NEVER would have changed how "we did things."

He took and I gave. That was how it worked for a long long long time.

Sadmom, maybe something good can come from this Mother's Day experience for you. Maybe...you can stop, spend some time reflecting on how you and your son "do things" and decide if it's time for things to change.

He is 23 years old. If not now, then when?

This change I am talking about will require a lot of work from you. How to do it is outlined through many, many posts on this forum, in the rooms of Al-Anon, in books like Codependent No more by Melody Beattie, and Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend.

This change is a one-day-at-a-time thing and you will, if you decide to start on this journey, take one step forward and two steps back at times.

Over time, your life will improve dramatically and you will be happy, content, joyful and serene, regardless of what he does or does not do.

And we are here for you, every step of the way. Warm hugs on this day-after-Mother's-Day. We care and we get it.

 

[HeadlightsMom]

SadmominTx --- So sorry to hear your pain. I'm also sorry to share that I can absolutely relate. Very hard on loving hearts.

I send you best wishes for peace and comfort. It's not easy. Never was, never will be. For anyone. Anywhere.

I support you in your decision to tell him to pack up and move. We did the same with our son when he was 16 (enough of police at our home.......just enough). He is 25 now and, for the moment, in a good place. We do ok for periods of time. But our boundary for the last 10 years is that he will NOT live with us. We've stuck to it. That's just the way it needs to be for our safety and sanity.

I always hope that all of our kids can find better, happier, healthier lives as autonomous adults.

Boundaries don't limit love. They just limit pain.

Thinking of you.... Take care and do what feels best for YOU.... You matter!