witzend
Well-Known Member
I understand. I'm sure that from outside there seems like there might be other reasons for the things that have happened and continue to happen and what people's motivations are.
I know from experience that his walking out the door has to do with seething disgust and hatred. I've been with him when he's done it to others and know what he says when he gets to the car. There isn't any room for an honorable interpretation of what he does. My father really does at the very least dislike all of his children other than S the golden girl. He hates some of us. His loss.
I wish there was some way to make my mother understand that she only makes it worse when she does this. It's like the mirror image of her silence when he tears your soul to bits, and then she says "We love you" as you walk away crying. Her answering his letter and signing his name is just mom stepping in for dad again, trying to make it something that it's not. I think it's good that your husband can say what he means, even if it's something awful. Your kids know that you are two seperate people with your own feelings and opinions. You're not letting the other speak for you. For me that's a knife that cuts both ways.
I wish that I could explain to her that I wouldn't give a rip if she just would admit that it is what it is. He was and is a terrible father. So long as she stands silent when he's abusive to us, and signs his name, I believe that she's ok with everything he does.
I think it was Totoro (sorry if I have it wrong) who asked whether her co-worker who was older was grumpy because she was older, and we agreed that it's not because the person got grumpy as they got older, they just got older. They were always grumpy.
I've heard from outside observers that "maybe" my mom doesn't say anything against my dad because she's older, and that's what older women do. That doesn't hold water either. It's not what her mother did with her father. There are and always have been women who stand up to their husbands when they are bullies, and there are women who let their husbands bully their children Maybe it keeps the husband from bulllying them, or maybe they agree with the husband but aren't willing to verbalize it. Either way, the woman (my mom in this case) is not (is never) saying "I love you" or "I'm sorry" or "I miss you". She's saying "We", and I know that "we" is a lie. I really believe my mom could have put a stop to all of this 40 years ago by telling my dad she wouldn't tolerate it. She chose her own comfort over her children's without an explanation. The only thing we can do is come to a logical conclusion as to what drives her. Sad to say, what drives him is without question because he says it straight to your face. "Everyone knows you're garbage." You can disagree with that opinion, but it's pretty plain where he stands!
Oh well, enough of that. I didn't mean to ramble. I know you all want me to feel better about it, but there really isn't any way to feel better about it, other than to do my best to be a good person in spite of it. Hopefully, neither of them will feel compelled to respond to my "glad you're better, I'm sorry we don't get along, I do love you" note unless they are speaking for themselves.
I know from experience that his walking out the door has to do with seething disgust and hatred. I've been with him when he's done it to others and know what he says when he gets to the car. There isn't any room for an honorable interpretation of what he does. My father really does at the very least dislike all of his children other than S the golden girl. He hates some of us. His loss.
I wish there was some way to make my mother understand that she only makes it worse when she does this. It's like the mirror image of her silence when he tears your soul to bits, and then she says "We love you" as you walk away crying. Her answering his letter and signing his name is just mom stepping in for dad again, trying to make it something that it's not. I think it's good that your husband can say what he means, even if it's something awful. Your kids know that you are two seperate people with your own feelings and opinions. You're not letting the other speak for you. For me that's a knife that cuts both ways.
I wish that I could explain to her that I wouldn't give a rip if she just would admit that it is what it is. He was and is a terrible father. So long as she stands silent when he's abusive to us, and signs his name, I believe that she's ok with everything he does.
I think it was Totoro (sorry if I have it wrong) who asked whether her co-worker who was older was grumpy because she was older, and we agreed that it's not because the person got grumpy as they got older, they just got older. They were always grumpy.
I've heard from outside observers that "maybe" my mom doesn't say anything against my dad because she's older, and that's what older women do. That doesn't hold water either. It's not what her mother did with her father. There are and always have been women who stand up to their husbands when they are bullies, and there are women who let their husbands bully their children Maybe it keeps the husband from bulllying them, or maybe they agree with the husband but aren't willing to verbalize it. Either way, the woman (my mom in this case) is not (is never) saying "I love you" or "I'm sorry" or "I miss you". She's saying "We", and I know that "we" is a lie. I really believe my mom could have put a stop to all of this 40 years ago by telling my dad she wouldn't tolerate it. She chose her own comfort over her children's without an explanation. The only thing we can do is come to a logical conclusion as to what drives her. Sad to say, what drives him is without question because he says it straight to your face. "Everyone knows you're garbage." You can disagree with that opinion, but it's pretty plain where he stands!
Oh well, enough of that. I didn't mean to ramble. I know you all want me to feel better about it, but there really isn't any way to feel better about it, other than to do my best to be a good person in spite of it. Hopefully, neither of them will feel compelled to respond to my "glad you're better, I'm sorry we don't get along, I do love you" note unless they are speaking for themselves.
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