Getting from point A-B

[newstart]

My daughter's creepy boyfriend is gone all the way (I think). I have not seen any of his things over at my daughters house and she is/was staying somewhat on track. I believe she is now dating a new person. This makes me nervous for several reasons. In the past when the guy finds out she lies about everything, sometimes they get so dangerously angry that I get worried for her life. I have seen this in the past and I have had to get involved so she would not be harmed.

Lately she is completely gone in her head. She talks constantly but does not say anything. She is on edge, lies flying right and left. It is horrible because I thought maybe she is getting a bit more balanced. I do understand that the feeling of falling in love changes all of us but when the person is bipolar/borderline it is a real mess.
The amount that she falls back during times like this are horrific. She quits working, does not keep herself or her house up and starts acting rude to everyone.
My deepest prayer has always been that she meets a decent man that does not effect her mania in such horrific and damaging ways.
I believe when a decent man see's her off/on personality he will not want to do so much work. I can't even imagine living as a partner with a habitual/compulsive liar and having any financial ties to such a person.
I know she can do something about it. I know she has studied a lot about it in the past year because she has talked to me about it. Even though she has studied it and is a very educated woman, she can't get from point A to B.
The very weird thing she does when she falls in love is tell the new man what a horrible person I am. She goes through this 'I hate my mom' stage. She is still ok with her dad but is really ugly to me. She calls me at least 3 times a day or texts. Somedays more. I know she needs me but tries to cut the ties. In the past when she cut the ties I felt some type of freedom like I don't have to listen to constant lies or feel used. I love her deeply and try to work with the constant BS that is thrown on me. It is a rough ride to say the least.

 

[lovemysons]

It does sound very rough newstart. She sounds like she is being abusive to you. I am sorry you are dealing with all of this.

Is your daughter taking medication for Bipolar Disorder? Does she see a psychiatrist? She definitely sounds like she needs help…help that is beyond what the most loving mom can give.

Even though your daughter has researched or is educated about her condition she is not a Dr and it definitely sounds like she needs professional help.

I have Bipolar Disorder and see a DR. I cannot go without the right medication. This is my condition for the rest of my life lest I ever go psychotic again. They have told me next time they may not be able to bring me back.

Your daughter needs to take her mental health extremely seriously for the rest of her life and get professional help in my opinion or she may never make any progress or maintain a healthy relationship with anyone.

Mental illness can be so hard to treat. For both the one with it and those that love them.

 

[newstart]

Thank you lovesmysons. My daughter does not medicate or as far as I know see a Dr. In the past I have spent thousands of dollars on trying to help her. My days were spent trying to find the right Dr and trying to help her help herself. She is now 41 and I have done all I can and more. Unless she picks it up on her end it will go round and round. There is a book called 'I hate you, don't leave me' I have not read it yet but have lived those words. My mother in law had bipolar and being around her almost made me end up in the hospital. My husband's sister and two brothers have it also. I truly believe that everyone is on the spectrum depending on their hormones. I think it runs in every family. I think my paternal grandfather may have had it, no sure but from the stories I have read, I think so. Other members of my husbands family and my family may have had it or some other 'something'. Thank you.

 

[Crayola13]

It’s extremely hard on family when someone in the household has a mental illness. If it runs in the family, those who don’t carry the gene are very fortunate. A family curse like mental illness can go on for generations before that gene finally fizzles itself out.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Newstart
My son is mentally ill and I suffer horribly the effects. I have found that strict boundaries help. My son knows he can't be around me if he is abusive or acts crazily. I am not equipped to deal with either on my home turf.
Your daughter will do what she will do. Nothing you can do, say, or think (as you know) will change this. The only potential control you have is over how you think and what you do.
If she is abusive to you, stay away, and don't talk to her. That is what I think.
As far as what she does with men, how in the world can you influence that?
Your hopes and dreams for you, have a chance of coming true. Your dreams for her, try to let them go.
Unless they are her dreams for herself, they are only your fantasies. Our fantasies while they seem self-protective, actually set us up to crash and burn, when reality sets in. And it always does. That is what I have come to for myself. It is very, very hard.

 

[Nomad]

I was wondering her age, but you answered it in your second post. 41. Oh my.

“ She is now 41 and I have done all I can and more. “

I think that comment kind of says it all.

I made the mistake for years thinking I just hadn’t helped enough or in the right away. Wrong. A horrible error in my thinking.

What May have helped a little bit recently in my situation is : 1. Detachment 2. Letting her suffer the consequences of her actions (scary…but needed)

And ironically snd sadly, she likely will have to repeat suffering the consequences of her poor decisions repeatedly. I hope not…but it is what it is.

Mental illness is an extraordinarily difficult thing. But like with all very difficult things, the person affected will have to decide on their own to seek help and push hard to do better…get healthier.

You can’t do it for them. You can’t control another adult. You have tried. We all have. You can only control yourself.

You can control your own thoughts, behaviors, actions and MUCH of your life. It’s hard as heck…but can you detach from this worry? What do you like to do? What brings you joy? Happiness?

As a side note…my daughter often tells people how terrible I am. I think in recent times it backfired on her a bit so she is doing it less. But…who knows. It’s just an immature (for lack of a better word) way of them not able to cope with reality in any way, shape or form. Honestly, I no longer care. Detachment is great. This and setting boundaries are very empowering/strengthening.

Sending loving thoughts.

 

[newstart]

Thanks Crayola, Copa & Nomad. I have studied and studied even more how I can deal with my daughter. All your words of wisdom are true and you have lived through it. It is healing for me to type out my anguish and concern. Today my daughter brought over all kinds of 4th of July celebration foods. She was in a good mood and talking non stop about politics again. A few years ago she played the stock market and made a huge amount of money and took the year off and did political stuff the entire year. She is obnoxious with her political views and it is draining to listen to, yet my husband keeps up with all that and says she has very well educated herself in that area. I just can't believe what I hear on TV or read anymore so I can't get so worked up about it. I believe she has finally left the nasty boyfriend.. I went over to her house today and it looked clean, clean for her.
I have taken a few out of the country trips with my daughter and things worked out ok. She even bought us matching shirts to wear. I could see she tried to be kind. She has to work hard at it. I have my boundaries set and have had them set for a while now. So good to see all of you posting again.