Going Home

[New Leaf]

I was over my head. That is when my depression began. I was truly over my head in a nightmare which has still not stopped.

A binder would have been a good idea. Except if they let her go alone...would they really have respected a binder. How hard is dying. Sometimes.

Leafy, it is painful to read about your mother. Do it anyway. We need to know. Only by sharing will you find a way to do this and to help your mother do so. I am sorry that you are both going through this. I wish it could be easier.

COPA

Oh Copa, I am dredging up memories, I apologize.
It seems to have been the day for that.
Mom is pretty sharp, but I see that she is scared.I wish I could be here to see her through this, I live so far away.
Mom doesn't want anyone to live with her.She wants her independence, but at the same time wants someone there at Dr.s appointments and such. She has always been regimented, clean to a fault. This is not a criticism, just an observation. What was I thinking, bringing this entourage to her home? Big sister came up and gently suggested we go to the farm, that has restrictions, well water, limited showering. I am thankful we could take off to my brothers. Mom was literally hurrying us on our way, then as the car was leaving, instantaneously sad.
She is in the "in between" functioning in the physical world, but doing the heavy work of realizing her eventuality. We are not allowed to mention cancer. " I've still got this "thing" in me you know." She says sternly.
I am thrown into view and review mode. Walking through her house seeing familiar antiques, thumbing through photo albums, past and present intertwine. I am remembering, holding on to thoughts and memories, sewing up patchy areas to understand my life's quilt, and what makes me, me.
We spoke a bit about my two "difficults", not too long, because it is too painful for Mom. "You know I wrote them both letters, telling them family is everything, life is short. They didn't even bother writing me back."
They are in an "in between" of their own. Having a life to live, but numbing reality out with drugs.
We are going through intergenerational parallelisms, Mom walking the tightrope of life and death, I, crossing through past and present, my two girls, in a mystic drug induced hazy zombie world, hovering away from whatever pains them when they are sober.
I am thankful for your comments through your experiences, but sorry to stir up those memories for you. It is definitely a hard time. Another one of life's passages, that ensures we will never remain the same.
Leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

The gang has moved lock, stock and barrel to my brothers. Staying at Moms has proved too difficult for her. First the racking cough, then a stopped up kitchen sink. Poor dear, she needs her space and rest. We are a commotion. She wrestled with hurrying us out, then said, " You will come back before you leave?" "Of course Mom, it is a bit much for you now,we understand!"
So off we went in our "hobo" rental van to brothers.
Life is a series of adjustments.sigh......

This is a difficult time for all of you. I am glad you are there, and that you are together. The cough is scary; so scary.

She finally passed, but a nurse said, "I am sure glad you aren't my daughter".

How awful for her to say something like that to you, Feeling.

She had no right.

I "spoke" to my mother as if she could hear...who knows.

They say our hearing is the last sense to leave us; that our family members can hear our last words to them, and can feel us, touching them.

Leafy, it is painful to read about your mother. Do it anyway. We need to know. Only by sharing will you find a way to do this and to help your mother do so. I am sorry that you are both going through this. I wish it could be easier.

Yes.

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

Dear Feeling, thank you so much for sharing your experience, it's so hard to lose our parents. My father had a long battle. Stoic to the end he looked at me during one visit and said " I am turning into a rock." We would play his favorite music and read passages from books he enjoyed. It was a roller coaster ride for several years. Each time I left, I was afraid it was the last time I would see him alive.
We have reached the half way point in our journey. Just 5 more days and we fly back home. I think my Mom is going to go ahead with the scope, the doctors office is pressing her. Brother thinks she needs to do it to see where she stands in her illness. I have decided to not go to planet catastrophia. I pray for positive outcome, and must have faith, but also be prepared. Once my Moms mind is made up, that is what she will do. May God be with her and bless us with more precious time.
I can't thank you enough, Feeling, Cedar and Copa for your support, good thoughts and prayers. May you all rest well, sweet dreams,
Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thinking of you, dear Leafy.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. All warriors, even the best, need special time with their family....store up more Technicolor memories. You are so lucky to be there.

Take care.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We will be waiting to hear and hold you as you come through this, New Leaf.

I am sorry for the pain of it.

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you Feeling and Cedar. Mom is tired but was convinced by the pulmonologist to go ahead with the procedure on Friday. I am driving her to the hospital and will wait for her in prayer. Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated. I thank God for your loving support.
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

Leafy, I am sorry your mother has to go with this, and you with her.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Leafy, I am sorry your mother has to go with this, and you with her.

COPA

Thank you Copa, I know she is determined to follow her doctors instructions. I pray it is the right thing. It helps to have such wonderful support. Words simply cannot express my gratitude.
Leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We all grow stronger as we share, Leafy.

We will be there with you in spirit.

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

Made it to Boston Airport just in time. Incredibly long security lines, it is way too toasty in here! Stop in Newark, then 10 hours to Hawaii. On the reverse end of our trip going home. Mom sounded much better on the phone last night. Sister asked when we will be coming back to Boston. It may be awhile unless I win the lottery. Until then, back to work to build up the funds. Prayers for Moms continued good health, life is short, the time to live to the fullest is now.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Sister asked when we will be coming back to Boston.

She did?

Oh, that's such a good thing to hear!

Everything for your family has been changed through this visit.



Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Feeling Sad, I would like to know how you are, how the nights are, whether you have heard more about your son.

How has this time been, for you and younger son?

Cedar

 

[Feeling Sad]

I have good and bad nights. I am better since my youngest son returned, but I still wake up screaming. I cannot control my PTSD. I wish that I could...

My youngest son seems to be doing well. He seems more free now...free from worry about my safety.

My second son who lives in Monterey is down about things. He was going to take care of his eldest brother when I was gone. He took on that role himself. He knows that we are all trying our best. But, he has always taken the weight of the world on his shoulders and is depressed.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I have good and bad nights. I am better since my youngest son returned, but I still wake up screaming. I cannot control my PTSD.

Brene Brown writes that if we sit with the feelings ~ just have the feelings, naming them if we can or just sitting there if we can't name them ~ then we will be less afraid, the next time. It is as much the fear of the horror in it as it is what is actually happening that creates PTSD.

I think that is true.

For me, that is definitely true.

I hope that soon there are more good nights, or at least, better nights, than bad nights. Do you think it would help you to name the bad nights? To say, "I am having a bad night." I do that, sometimes. It helps me to name whatever I can about our situation.

"I am having a bad night, tonight."

It seems like such a simple thing, but sometimes, that helps me very much.

I crank up the Serenity Prayer, and say it and say it. Then, either I fall asleep or morning comes.

What is happening to all of us is very, very hard.

I think PTSD is not controllable.

But like I posted, it helps me very much to name where I am.

Then, I can know it will pass.

I think you are experiencing Complex PTSD. (Splitting hairs is my specialty.)



They say the practice of yoga helps release the places our muscles are holding unresolved tension. This is what I use:

My second son who lives in Monterey is down about things. He was going to take care of his eldest brother when I was gone. He took on that role himself. He knows that we are all trying our best. But, he has always taken the weight of the world on his shoulders and is depressed.

It might help him Feeling, if you could explain to him the theory about believing he can do this and reflecting that to him.

It has made a very nice difference for my kids, to express belief in their abilities to create success in their lives. If I am overwhelmed with worry for them, they seem to be, too. It gets to be a vicious circle where I am trying to find answers they can only provide for themselves.

It is very hard to let them go to learn this.

As you know.

But maybe, that kind of thinking could be helpful for your son. It might also give him a way to know how to speak with his brother in a strengthening way.

It is very hard not to let our fears for them come through in our speech, but I think it helps the kids when we can express belief in them, and confidence that though we get it that they don't know how to do this, we do know that they can.

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

She did?

Oh, that's such a good thing to hear!

Everything for your family has been changed through this visit.



Cedar

Yes, indeed things have changed. It is a good thing. I remember my Dad saying to me as a rebellious teenager,
"You have got to change what you are doing." In the same breath he said, " I cannot change, I am set in my ways."

I have come to learn that life is all about change and adjustment to it. We adjust our attitudes, our thinking, emotions and responses.

Life is a great adventure of learning, doing.

I think until we learn how to change our responses and reactions, we are destined to repeat similar pathways.

Thank you Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

I would rather it had been something I had done, something I could address or at least, apologize for.

I know. Because if it was you, you could change, and you could fix it.

I think that is why we hold on to the responsibility and even the guilt. Because it gives us a false sense of control over something in the face of which we are powerless.

Like children are neglected or abused. The feel it is their fault because they are bad. So that they do not have to face that no one loves them enough to take care of them, or to do so, well.

And when that happened, I lost whatever was still holding me up. Hope, faith, belief that loving them and ourselves enough mattered; that love would get us through it ~ gone.

It is like that game of children. You hold onto the rope and pull. And another child or children is pulling on the other side--and they let go, and you fall.

Everything in us has been pulling on that rope--with our children on the other side. They learn to believe that their choices, even identities are tied to our pulling our weight in their lives, for them. When we let go, they have to carry their weight.

And us? We fall.

My son did go to the University Liver clinic and did get his blood work done. It was pending whether or not the doctor would accept him back as a patient. On Friday the clinic called here for my son. The doctor will give him an appointment.

I am fearful that the blood work shows his liver is in trouble.

Be careful what you wish for: My wish was that he get his blood work done. Because that is facing reality. Now I am afraid of what the reality will be. I have not called him.

I will try not to call as long as I can hold out.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Be careful what you wish for: My wish was that he get his blood work done. Because that is facing reality. Now I am afraid of what the reality will be. I have not called him.

I will try not to call as long as I can hold out.

He did? Oh, good, good for him, Copa. It is good for you to wait, and let him call you, and let him take charge of this. You could even tell him that. That you knew he had had the blood drawn, but that you waited for his call, so he could be the adult in charge.

:O)

Fingers crossed that the results are good, Copa.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

He did? Oh, good, good for him, Copa.

I think I told you this but it tickles me, so I will tell you again.

A few phone calls ago my son said something like this: I will no longer be fearful of what may be. I will be alert and ready to respond to whatever comes. (Paraphrasing.)

I think he must have spoken to the psychoanalyst/psychiatrist who we worked with throughout his childhood.

Which makes me remember. I had a dream about the psychiatrist that I fired. During our visit, he let a man sit in his office, who was working at a desk. He did not justify it or introduce him. I did confront the man, saying, this is not proper that you are here, and I would like you to leave. He did not.

Then, I went to the bathroom. After I went in, the psychiatrist pushed the door open, and pushed me out of the way to use the toilet, saying, I have to use it first.

I may have said, this is not proper. Or I may have been stunned.

I cannot imagine what this means. But I do not think it is anything good.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, I am so very glad that your son had his blood tested. He also sounds more responsible. Great news.

My prayers will be with you for good results. Stay stong, my fellow warrior.

He is walking down the right path...on his own. I love, "I will be alert and ready to respond to whatever comes". Just fantadtic!!!

 

[Copabanana]

Copa, I am so very glad that your son had his blood tested. He also sounds more responsible. Great news.

He still has his crazy ideas. It just seems he is not leading with them.

He called a few minutes OK. I did ask if Helen from the clinic was able to reach him.

He had not called her, but said he would tomorrow. Who knows?