Going Home

[Feeling Sad]

It is moving foward...slowly...but foward.

I am sending out all of my positive thoughts. I will pray that he keeps his 'crazy ideas' at bay.

Take care. For whatever reason...perhaps talking to his past psychologist or knowing your health should not be compromised by stress or he is having clarity about the true importance of treating his illness. But, he seems better.

 

[Copabanana]

knowing your health should not be compromised by stress

Feeling, I had forgotten about that. Several times during the call, he said he should not be telling me stuff.

He has what most therapists would call Body Dysmorphic diagnosis.

He believes he is prematurely balding (NOT.) He developed this preoccupation right about the time his Hep B got worse. I think it is a displacement of anxiety from his illness.

He is absolutely drop dead gorgeous. When he is bad, he goes around with a hoodie covering his face. He says he is too anxious to stand in line, etc. He cannot go to college, because of it, he says. When I suggest attending on internet (I forgot that I am not supposed to do that) he says he wants to go to regular college to be around people. There is just no way out of his circular reasoning. It breaks my heart.

He is adamant nothing will help.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Cedar, thank you for your wonderful ideas on complex ptsd. I will try them out. I am very gradually starting to feel better.

I just cannot control my thoughts when I am asleep. I started waking up and screaming after I realized that the holding the jagged bottle out to my throat was not a joke. I was trying very hard to convince myself that it WAS just a joke, like my son had said. It is not just scary...but it is my son that I am afraid of...my son who has little or no control when he is psychotic.

I keep on picturing that expression on my ill son's face that night. Fierce, crazy, otherworldly comes to mind. Then...did he see my look of surprise or sheer terror? His expression changed instantly to a smile and he just laughed...nervously.

I guess I do not want to 'face' that trauma. I would rather shove it down deep. But, my own mind is betraying me...it keeps coming back up to the surface in my dreams...

Maybe, the use of my haptic modality...writing it down, will help me to face it and release some of its power over me...

All of those feelings are inside and it is hard to make any sense out of it. It feels like I am having a bad dream and I want to wake up. I have kept saying that to myself.

Funny, now I AM having a bad dream and waking up...screaming. I should watch what I wish for.

 

[Copabanana]

I just cannot control my thoughts when I am asleep.

Feeling, nobody can. To dream, even badly, is one reason we sleep.

Your mind is processing all that you have dealt with and trying to work it through, assimilate it.

I do not remember a time in my life when I have remembered so many of my dreams. I usually suppress them immediately upon waking. I think it is a good sign that I am remembering a little bit. A sign that I am getting better.

Your mind is not betraying you. It is helping you, working through in your dreaming, what you try to suppress in your thoughts.

You are getting better too.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you. We are all getting a little better each day...little by little.

Thank you for always having my back. A true warrior in battle!

May our dreams heal.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Post Script: I bought several warrior tunics...fashionable, yet classically tailored.

 

[Copabanana]

Post Script: I bought several warrior tunics...fashionable, yet classically tailored.

I found a whole bunch (looked, did not buy) on Ebay.

What brands did you get, Feeling? I love those tunics you told me about. Finances are low. For now I am buying Fleece Sleep Shirts on Walmart.com which are tunic length.

 

[New Leaf]

Steps my dear Copa, baby steps, you have given him his responsibility, and he is taking it. It is a good thing, for you and for him.
Leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Which makes me remember. I had a dream about the psychiatrist that I fired. During our visit, he let a man sit in his office, who was working at a desk. He did not justify it or introduce him. I did confront the man, saying, this is not proper that you are here, and I would like you to leave. He did not.

Then, I went to the bathroom. After I went in, the psychiatrist pushed the door open, and pushed me out of the way to use the toilet, saying, I have to use it first.

I may have said, this is not proper. Or I may have been stunned.

I cannot imagine what this means. But I do not think it is anything good.

Could it mean Copa that you are beginning to see the psychiatrist as a selfish, fraudulent person who always had only his own interests at heart?

Could the man at the desk be a representation of the psychiatrist's attitude toward you during therapy? And your insistence that the man should not be there ~ that you mattered, that your heart and your story mattered, was disregarded. Going to the bathroom could represent your processing of repressed (or frozen) material you had courageously processed even in an environment like the one the psychiatrist set up. And even in that, he discounted your healing, making you unimportant and making himself the authority, the one who mattered.

I remember you posting Copa that the psychiatrist you had been seeing by phone insisted "this is going to take a long time". And that he was sure you were not ready to go on without him.

To me, the dream represents how it felt to be you, in that time. How it felt, to have been seen and cataloged and treated as you were, and to feel you had no say even in the most basic, human rights to respect, and to being heard, and to privacy.

So I think it was an excellent dream.

You are processing how that all felt, and how wrong and awful it was.

And if the person had been able to help you Copa, that would be one thing. But you have made more progress in a shorter time here, with us, than you did with him. Have you made an appointment with the female therapist, Copa?

I hope you find one like the one Serenity posted to us about.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

are beginning to see the psychiatrist as a selfish, fraudulent person who always had only his own interests at heart?

This is so scary, Cedar, that I have been in my life so willing to turn it over to powerful men, who are in it for themselves.

Maybe, had I had one parent who could have held me in their heart with some constancy, I could have done so for myself. But even that, anymore, has not so much hurt.

And your insistence that the man should not be there ~ that you mattered, that your heart and your story mattered

I do matter. Thank you. My voice matters.

Have you made an appointment with the female therapist, Copa?

I will call today. Thank you.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Cedar, I agree with your excellent evaluation. Copa's feelings and opinions in the dream did not matter.

I love my nicer therapist. I was approved for 10 more weekly sessions. She is very calming...like you guys...and I am able to start to relax a bit and see some hope...some possible hope.

This site...my fellow warriors.. have helped me much more than anything.

A crisis does not just occur once a week at a particular time. All if us have emotions that ebb and flow. Blessedly, we have not all 'fallen apart' at the same time!