Good girl (on the road to) gone bad

[justgo]

Our issues have been going on for almost 5 years but, I'll stick to the problem at hand.

My almost 17 y.o. daughter who is impulsive has began to smoke pot more often. 3 x in 2 months. But, she does this when she sneaks out at 3 a.m. She did this two nights ago. She came home at 730 a.m. yesterday and wanted to go straight to bed, as usual. Well, I made her put the dishes in the D.W. and go with my mom to do a couple of errands. They got home at 1230 pm and she went to bed. It is now 455 pm and she only comes out to go to the restroom or eat. She knows she will have to do chores if she comes out and possibly hear more about our disappointment and she knows she lost her phone and other privileges so she feels she has nothing to lose by staying in there. How do I get her out or do I just wait?

I hope I did this right. And do I start another thread about all that we are going through? Thanks in advance.

 

[pasajes4]

Does she go to school?

 

[BusynMember]

She may be doing more thsn pot three times in two months. Have you drug tested her?

When my daughter did drugs (and we had no idea how many drugs she was doing) she would sneak out of the house late. I'd call the police each time. Doing chores in my opinion won't be enough.

I never thought of it at the time, but today, if this were happening now, id put alarms on the bedroom and all doors that lead outside. They can get killed at night, even in a small town like we lived in.

I would also insist on therapy.

When did this behsvior start and is Dad sround? Do you have other kids in the house? Did you take away use of your car?

Im kind of mean. If daughter stayed in room all day, I would want to make sure nothing illegal or dangerous was going in in there. I would remove the door and check on her often. In my house, you lose your right to privacy if you seem to be acting in possibly unsafe ways.

 

[justgo]

Does she go to school?

Hi. Thanks for the reply. She has been in public school and homeschooled. This year we haven't started and I was hoping she would do homeschool with day classes with other homeschoolers. She doesn't like the idea. She wants to be where the action is, public school.

 

[justgo]

She may be doing more thsn pot three times in two months. Have you drug tested her?

Yes, she has done other drugs.

When my daughter did drugs (and we had no idea how many drugs she was doing) she would sneak out of the house late. I'd call the police each time. Doing chores in my opinion won't be enough.

I did call the police every time. Twice after she had already returned and twice she returned after I reported her. They have done nothing and haven't even spoken to her. I agree about chores.

I never thought of it at the time, but today, if this were happening now, id put alarms on the bedroom and all doors that lead outside. They can get killed at night, even in a small town like we lived in.

I had alarms in the last house. She found ways around it until I made it to where she didn't even know the code. I hadn't set up an alarm here because we are temporarily living with my folks and they didn't think she would LOL and didn't want it. Now, I think they'll change their minds.

I would also insist on therapy.

Ok good, she used to have it mandatory through a probation officer. He met with her three times a month and both of us together once a month. We went to him voluntarily a week before she snuck out. I will continue to take her if she cooperates. Fingers crossed.

When did this behsvior start and is Dad sround? Do you have other kids in the house? Did you take away use of your car?

She is almost 17 she started sneaking out at 12 one time while my folks watched her she walked right out the door in the daytime. Once she spent the night at a friends' and they snuck out. (she's always denied that). She doesn't know dad because he last visited her at age 1. No other kids. She has a permit but I haven't allowed her to get her driver's license. So, she can only drive with an adult and really doesn't care to drive, because I haven't allowed her to get the license. I tell her if she continues drug use and irresponsibility she won't be getting a d.l. until she's 18.

Im kind of mean. If daughter stayed in room all day, I would want to make sure nothing bad was going in in there. I would remove the door and check on her often.

Ha, we think alike lol it's not mean at all. I plan to do that tomorrow, as soon as we give a crazy cat that stays in her room, back to it's owner.

 

[mof]

Drug test...remove her door from her room, lock Windows, alarm house.

Can u tell some of us has dealt with issues? Sorry for your stress. Our Difficult Child had no privacy, room searched regularly...it's your house.

School is your rules too...it won't matter tho, if she's defiant and won't follow rules, shell find a way. They are sneaky...

Others will have good advice and much more wisdom, so stay tuned!

Hugs

 

[justgo]

I agree. And you are right they are sneaky. Thank you so much!

 

[justgo]

Pasajes 4 Hi. Thanks for the reply. She has been in public school and homeschooled. This year we haven't started and I was hoping she would do homeschool with day classes with other homeschoolers. She doesn't like the idea. She wants to be where the action is, public school.

 

[justgo]

Somewhereoutthere: Yes, she has done other drugs. I did call the police every time. Twice after she had already returned and twice she returned after I reported her. They have done nothing and haven't even spoken to her. I agree about chores. I had alarms in the last house. She found ways around it until I made it to where she didn't even know the code. I hadn't set up an alarm here because we are temporarily living with my folks and they didn't think she would LOL and didn't want it. Now, I think they'll change their minds. she used to have mandatory counseling through a probation officer. He met with her three times a month and both of us together once a month. We went to him voluntarily a week before she snuck out. I will continue to take her if she cooperates. Fingers crossed. She is almost 17 she started sneaking out at 12 one time while my folks watched her she walked right out the door in the daytime. Once she spent the night at a friends' and they snuck out. (she's always denied that). She doesn't know dad because he last visited her at age 1. No other kids. She has a permit but I haven't allowed her to get her driver's license. So, she can only drive with an adult and really doesn't care to drive, because I haven't allowed her to get the license. I tell her if she continues drug use and irresponsibility she won't be getting a d.l. until she's 18. Ha, we think alike lol it's not mean at all. I plan to do that tomorrow, as soon as we give a crazy cat that stays in her room, back to it's owner.

 

[susiestar]

I guess the response needs to be based on how big a deal you think her behavior is. I have always been a stickler for safety rules and breaking those got the biggest consequences in our home. I would probably end life as she knows it if she were my daughter. The drug use is a major issue for me, and sneaking out in the dark is a close 2nd.

Personally, I would plan very logical consequences for her, and some might be creative. My mother used to use much creativity when disciplining my brother and I. The more creative she got, the more memorable the consequences and the more I would do to avoid them in the future. A big part of the problems going forward are going to be to get the rest of the family to go along with your consequences for your daughter. That can get tricky, esp with grandparents who only see their little angel when they look at her.

I strongly suggest the book, "Raising Your Teen with Love & Logic" to help you with figuring out a plan and some enforceable consequences. It also might help get your parents to cooperate more with the plan that you come up with. Know that it will be important for the grandparents to cooperate because if your daughter can triangulate so that it is you against your parents, she has a whole heck of a lot more room to do what she wants.

You are NOT required to provide many of the things that most kids think are 'crucial' to having a good life. She needs clothing, but not clothing she really wants to wear. She needs a mattress, sheets, a blanket, a pillow and a light in her room. She does not need games, stuffed animals, electronics, or probably 95% of what is in her room. You are well within your rights to go and take it ALL out of there. She needs food, but not food she likes, just nutritious, healthy food. I always felt that books were a basic human right, so unless a book had inappropriate content, I didn't take those away from my kids. There were times that I took a large portion of the fiction they preferred away, but usually that was for refusing to do school work because they would rather read instead.

Between the drug use and the sneaking out, that girl would lose much of her possessions and privileges until she made safer choices if she were mine. There would be a list of chores that she would be getting up early to complete each day. I would start with the chores I most hated for the first ones for her. If I have to go through the hassle of making you do chores, well, I can at least make it chores that I don't want to do. Making her do the chores is enough extra work, it is only fair that she take the ones you dislike off of your hands. It isn't like she is going to be happy to do them anyway, Know what I mean??

One thing that we did when my kids were younger was give them each one, and ONLY one, item that would not EVER be taken away as a punishment. My oldest had a stuffed bear, my other 2 each had a special blanket. These items were something they used to calm themselves when they were upset. I always thought that each of us should have one item like that.

I hope you find some of these ideas helpful. Trust your instincts when it comes to your daughter. I have yet to find that it was a mistake to trust those instincts. The biggest parenting mistakes that I made always were related to not trusting my instincts. Even when it made me mean or unpopular, it always worked out for the best if I stuck with the instincts and NOT the arguments of my husband or even my parents.

 

[RN0441]

What you are dealing with seems very hard. SHE seems to be running the show doesn't she?

If I were you I'd seek out a professional for yourself to help you to navigate through these rough waters. Since you do not have a spouse you really need to have someone you can look to for guidance and advice. Not that a spouse always has the answers but it's someone there to bounce things off of and offer support. I do not think for one minute I could handle our Difficult Child alone. I'd crack.

I have a son but if I had a daughter I'd be concerned about rape or worse for her. This is probably not a quick fix. She seems hell bent on making bad decisions and not learning from them. My son was the same way. He is an adult now but still not motivated to live the life we know he is capable of living.

What do do? She is a minor so you have to bide your time and keep your home peaceful and try to keep her safe. The most important thing is taking care of yourself. You deserve to have a good life too.

 

[justgo]

@susiestar Thank you that was so very helpful.

 

[justgo]

@RN0441 Exactly, about to crack. Thanks for the kind words.