Good things are happening
- Thread starter RN0441
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Yes Leafy! However he decided that welding was not for him this week, hot, loud, earplugs, etc. He also is very fair so has a burn on his lip....so he said he will find a full time job. Applying at large companies. Hopefully he'll work for a while and figure out what he wants to do. Not abusing drugs though so that is all that matters! He's an immature 24 but seems to be on track. Thank you!
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Ha yes that would be wonderful IF he was looking to get away from us. He was close to us before his addiction (he is our only child together; we each have one son from previous marriages) and now we are close again.
However he is now 24 and as we know, those that have "used" are not as mature as their chronological age and he is one of them. We are making sure he is applying for jobs daily. He has $3k saved so at least he can cover his truck payment for now. Ugh this does suck though.
However he is now 24 and as we know, those that have "used" are not as mature as their chronological age and he is one of them. We are making sure he is applying for jobs daily. He has $3k saved so at least he can cover his truck payment for now. Ugh this does suck though.
louise2350
Active Member
louise2350
Active Member
I am so happy for you. Miracles do happen.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Just a quick update.
Son has signed up to get a two year degree in computer science network administration starting in January. He did really well on his book-work and classes for welding school (just did not care for the actual act of welding) so I think it helped inspire him to give college a shot.
He had tried two other times but dropped out due to drug use. Luckily we were able to get it all off his record for medical reasons. He almost finished one semester twice and was getting all A's both times so it was heartbreaking.
I had told him that you cannot use drugs and be a student. In fact you cannot use drugs and do anything!
He had a rough week last week emotionally. Drinking on the sneak. Knowing he had quit welding and quit his job (just part time at Jersey Mikes but still..) and now had nothing again after doing so well at home for a year. I had to talk him off a cliff. Even found a therapist because he said he needed to talk to someone because he is all alone here (other than us of course). I think he was feeling sorry for himself to be honest and no, that does nothing for any of us to do that.
He said he will not use drugs again and that he was only drinking and he also knows that is NOT GOOD. He said it makes you feel better at the moment but then in the end you end up feeling much worse. BINGO!
So now he is in a better place emotionally. Has a therapist picked out but said he is okay now and was having a bad day. I think that once he realized we were still going to be supportive and that college was still an option for him he again felt hopeful. He is very excited about school.
He has an interview today as a line cook. We are hopeful that he will get the job because it is close to home and could work well while he's in school.
Staying positive....just cuz that's what I do.
Son has signed up to get a two year degree in computer science network administration starting in January. He did really well on his book-work and classes for welding school (just did not care for the actual act of welding) so I think it helped inspire him to give college a shot.
He had tried two other times but dropped out due to drug use. Luckily we were able to get it all off his record for medical reasons. He almost finished one semester twice and was getting all A's both times so it was heartbreaking.
I had told him that you cannot use drugs and be a student. In fact you cannot use drugs and do anything!
He had a rough week last week emotionally. Drinking on the sneak. Knowing he had quit welding and quit his job (just part time at Jersey Mikes but still..) and now had nothing again after doing so well at home for a year. I had to talk him off a cliff. Even found a therapist because he said he needed to talk to someone because he is all alone here (other than us of course). I think he was feeling sorry for himself to be honest and no, that does nothing for any of us to do that.
He said he will not use drugs again and that he was only drinking and he also knows that is NOT GOOD. He said it makes you feel better at the moment but then in the end you end up feeling much worse. BINGO!
So now he is in a better place emotionally. Has a therapist picked out but said he is okay now and was having a bad day. I think that once he realized we were still going to be supportive and that college was still an option for him he again felt hopeful. He is very excited about school.
He has an interview today as a line cook. We are hopeful that he will get the job because it is close to home and could work well while he's in school.
Staying positive....just cuz that's what I do.
WiseChoices
Well-Known Member
RN, is there any way that your son would give AA or NA a try? By attending meetings regularly, he gets the very support he needs. He gets to talk to other alcoholics/addicts who know what he is going through and whom he can call when he feels like drinking.
I am concerned because he did drink. And the thing is that once alcohol enters the body, it can very quickly end up in a relapse on drugs. Alcohol creates the physical craving and the mental obsession. It very often starts with drinking once, and we think we have control over it until we very quickly do not. It is incredibly difficult to stay sober/clean without the support of other alcoholics/addicts. I am not saying AA is the only way to get/stay sober but it is a way I am familiar with and that is proven to work effectively for long term sobriety. The fact that your son gave in to the craving and did sneak drink is a sign that he is struggling with coping with his feelings.
How wonderful he decided on college and that is an awesome degree to get. I will pray for your son that everything will work out and that he will get the degree and the job he interviewed for today.
I am concerned because he did drink. And the thing is that once alcohol enters the body, it can very quickly end up in a relapse on drugs. Alcohol creates the physical craving and the mental obsession. It very often starts with drinking once, and we think we have control over it until we very quickly do not. It is incredibly difficult to stay sober/clean without the support of other alcoholics/addicts. I am not saying AA is the only way to get/stay sober but it is a way I am familiar with and that is proven to work effectively for long term sobriety. The fact that your son gave in to the craving and did sneak drink is a sign that he is struggling with coping with his feelings.
How wonderful he decided on college and that is an awesome degree to get. I will pray for your son that everything will work out and that he will get the degree and the job he interviewed for today.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thank you Wise!
He has been drinking since he got home but usually it is in moderation. He said he has no interest in doing drugs any I do believe him. I think he used it that one time to make himself feel better and it did the opposite which is a good lesson.
Thank you for your prayers. Can never have enough of them.
He has been drinking since he got home but usually it is in moderation. He said he has no interest in doing drugs any I do believe him. I think he used it that one time to make himself feel better and it did the opposite which is a good lesson.
Thank you for your prayers. Can never have enough of them.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
And it breaks down the cognitive barriers we have in place, that help us say no to more, and worse.
Usually in moderation, is not moderation. I think many of us tend to addictive behavior.
I recognize it's hard to say no to "moderate" drinking if we drink.
I am food sensitive. If I have artisan bread (with butter) or pie or cookies in the house, I cannot stop at one. My nutritionist says I can, that I have it within me to stop. I wonder if that's the case. But why would I have a box of Costco chocolate chip cookies here, when the risk is I would eat at least 7. They are not even that good. But something in me is triggered.
Not everybody is like this. M can eat one anything.
My point here is that two different people with alcohol are two different animals.
I don't think as parents we need to be fair and equitable. I think we need to be parents. If your son has trouble moderating his intake of substances, that's a reality. If you don't that's another reality, far different reality. The rules don't have to be the same.
Why look for problems? There is an elephant in the room. I agree with Wise. I think it is unwise to hold one's breath to wait to see if problems emerge. I think it makes better sense to put into place mechanisms, support, contingencies to anticipate what might come.
You guys have been doing so great. All 3 of you. I am wondering if it's time to re-assess the situation and see what else can be put into place to support your son. I think he handled this turning point really, really well. He went back to the drawing board and came up with a powerful new goal. That's maturity and strength. I thing he has the strength and maturity to look at himself and to put into place a tighter recovery plan and to do it.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Yes ladies thank you.
His recovery is in his hands to manage and he has to decide what he needs to do to keep himself on track.
We support him in whatever he chooses to do as we always have as long as he continues to move forward with his life.
I did not think this would be easy and it is not. Everything is a learning experience for him and for us.
His recovery is in his hands to manage and he has to decide what he needs to do to keep himself on track.
We support him in whatever he chooses to do as we always have as long as he continues to move forward with his life.
I did not think this would be easy and it is not. Everything is a learning experience for him and for us.
WiseChoices
Well-Known Member
I just went back through this thread and saw that you also mentioned MJ and that he was detoxing it out of his system in order to pass a drug test. So he is neither sober nor clean. And that can quickly derail into a more serious drug problem. I am wondering how he drank "on the sneak" as you put it when he has been moderately drinking all along since he has been home? What is the difference? Hard liquor?
I hope I am not overstepping here and I don't mean to scare you, but to make you aware. From my experience in AA and NA, I have not seen an addict not relapse with their drug of choice when they drank and smoked pot. Eventually, this won't be enough because addiction is a progressive and fatal illness. It cannot be cured, only arrested one day at a time, by abstinence.
Do you know why he quit his job at the same time that he decided not to pursue welding? He seems to know what to say to ease your mind and when I hear "I was only having a bad day and that is why I drank but I am better now" it raises all kinds of red flags for me.
Feel free to tell me to shut up if I am digging too much here. You know your son, and have been through a lot with him. Love and light!
I hope I am not overstepping here and I don't mean to scare you, but to make you aware. From my experience in AA and NA, I have not seen an addict not relapse with their drug of choice when they drank and smoked pot. Eventually, this won't be enough because addiction is a progressive and fatal illness. It cannot be cured, only arrested one day at a time, by abstinence.
Do you know why he quit his job at the same time that he decided not to pursue welding? He seems to know what to say to ease your mind and when I hear "I was only having a bad day and that is why I drank but I am better now" it raises all kinds of red flags for me.
Feel free to tell me to shut up if I am digging too much here. You know your son, and have been through a lot with him. Love and light!
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
My mother was an alcoholic so I have lived it and am well aware of what that entails - most unfortunate for anyone that has been through that.
He quit the job because they were taking advantage of him. He had been only working a few days per week most recently due to night school. His boss (the manager of 2 years) wanted to give him a raise but the owners were not good business people and would not give my son a raise even though he was opening the store alone most days and had a lot of responsibility. His boss actually gave him $40 per week out of his own pocket for several weeks because my son worked very hard and his boss knew he deserved it. When my son went to work one morning he found out that his boss had quit a few days before. My son only stayed there because he liked his boss and felt loyal to him. He felt that he had no where to turn now that his boss was gone. The store was a mess and he was alone and nothing had been done to open and he did not know who was coming in to help. Absolutely no communication. So he left. We supported this because of events that led up to it. He never was late and called in sick only once in the 5 months he was there. They were very understaffed and two people did the work of three most days. He was an excellent employee.
Welding was never something he chose but my husband chose it for him. We wanted him to finish and were not happy that he did not but he did not like it. He is very fair and was burned twice. I did not feel he was cut out for it and want him to do something he likes. He is not married or have any children to support. He should do something that he has an interest in. This is the time for him to decide what he wants to do/to find his niche. It did help him to realize that he is a good student and he did get certifications for four courses he finished. He could always go back to it if he chooses to.
Correct, no one knows my son like I do and there have been many conversations and I have had concerns but I do feel he is doing very well and he knows that if he does not, he will no longer be able to live with us. He realizes that he probably should have stayed at his job until he found something else. He still has a lot of maturing to do. We are fine with him drinking beers at home and there have been a few times that we have called him to the carpet. He is not allowed to smoke MJ in our home and he said he is no longer doing that as he knows he could be drug tested for jobs.
Everyone is different and every family is different. Every situation is different. I do understand your concerns but we've got this. I am humble and would certainly ask for advice if I felt we needed it.
He quit the job because they were taking advantage of him. He had been only working a few days per week most recently due to night school. His boss (the manager of 2 years) wanted to give him a raise but the owners were not good business people and would not give my son a raise even though he was opening the store alone most days and had a lot of responsibility. His boss actually gave him $40 per week out of his own pocket for several weeks because my son worked very hard and his boss knew he deserved it. When my son went to work one morning he found out that his boss had quit a few days before. My son only stayed there because he liked his boss and felt loyal to him. He felt that he had no where to turn now that his boss was gone. The store was a mess and he was alone and nothing had been done to open and he did not know who was coming in to help. Absolutely no communication. So he left. We supported this because of events that led up to it. He never was late and called in sick only once in the 5 months he was there. They were very understaffed and two people did the work of three most days. He was an excellent employee.
Welding was never something he chose but my husband chose it for him. We wanted him to finish and were not happy that he did not but he did not like it. He is very fair and was burned twice. I did not feel he was cut out for it and want him to do something he likes. He is not married or have any children to support. He should do something that he has an interest in. This is the time for him to decide what he wants to do/to find his niche. It did help him to realize that he is a good student and he did get certifications for four courses he finished. He could always go back to it if he chooses to.
Correct, no one knows my son like I do and there have been many conversations and I have had concerns but I do feel he is doing very well and he knows that if he does not, he will no longer be able to live with us. He realizes that he probably should have stayed at his job until he found something else. He still has a lot of maturing to do. We are fine with him drinking beers at home and there have been a few times that we have called him to the carpet. He is not allowed to smoke MJ in our home and he said he is no longer doing that as he knows he could be drug tested for jobs.
Everyone is different and every family is different. Every situation is different. I do understand your concerns but we've got this. I am humble and would certainly ask for advice if I felt we needed it.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I thought awhile about responding. What held me back, was, RN seems to be making clear she is not seeking input about her son's drinking.
After all, I couldn't leave it alone because to me these threads after we post become a public conversation. We often get a little more than we bargained for, or believe we need when we post and create a thread.
That has been true for me since I arrived on this forum. I have insisted in staying involved with my son, and posters have expressed that I stayed in the mix too long, and too much. It stings when I get questioned. Or if there is sarcasm. Or the sense that others can see the truth of things, a truth that I can't see.
It's very hard to stay in the mix. But as you say, RN, sometimes we believe in our guts it is the right thing to do. It's difficult to stay open to the growing edge of our children, especially when our kids are backsliding or not sailing full steam ahead. It's also very hard when we want to be open to permitting our kids their learning, their autonomy, their humanity...their ability to negotiate and to make mistakes, while we continue to offer support and shelter. This takes a special kind of courage on this board, to open to that. Like this:
Ultimately I am posting because I believe that once we post a thread it ceases to be ours alone. It belongs as much to the forum and to everybody, members or not. And this is the viewpoint that won out for me. That we can have a dialog here on this and every other thread, and that everybody can benefit from that, agree or not. Because the lives of all of our kids are at stake, and ours too.
What I am saying is that these threads become about all of our sons and daughters. There is a legitimate conversation in our society about addiction and how to respond to and treat it. At one end of the spectrum is the abstinence model espoused by 12 step groups, and assumptions about hitting bottom; at the other end, Harm Reduction, the position that we can and should support and stay connected to our substance abusing family members, and this will contribute to their being safe, and ultimately reduce consumption or stop it, and is more likely to enable them to function and to develop.
Implicit in your decisions, RN, seems to be this perspective.
I think the harm reduction perspective might espouse this:
AA and NA might come from the perspective that an addict is an addict, that every addict is alike, and that there is no safe substance abuse for an addict. This perspective is more commonly held in psychology, too, I think.
I am not writing all of this to educate anybody here on this board and anyway I don't know much about either perspective. But I wanted there to be on this thread some narrative about the context here, so that people who come along will understand that there are options on how to respond as a family member. And that they will be supported here on this board however they choose to respond.
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I do not disagree with your post Copa. I write honestly and openly to anyone that is interested as to how we handle our family, our son. We all do what we feel is right for us.
Ultimately we cannot control another person. We can only control ourselves and how we react to a situation.
I do believe the worst is over for our son. He has grown so much during this ordeal and has continued to make better decisions. We will continue to groom him to be the man that I know he can be.
I will continue to pray for him because there is nothing that God cannot do. I also will pray for myself and for all of us on this forum seeking knowledge and strength. I think I will spend the rest of my life seeking both.
Ultimately we cannot control another person. We can only control ourselves and how we react to a situation.
I do believe the worst is over for our son. He has grown so much during this ordeal and has continued to make better decisions. We will continue to groom him to be the man that I know he can be.
I will continue to pray for him because there is nothing that God cannot do. I also will pray for myself and for all of us on this forum seeking knowledge and strength. I think I will spend the rest of my life seeking both.
louise2350
Active Member
RN: This quote is so true. When my d.d. was living at home, there was nothing I could do at the time regarding her drinking and I think drug abuse. It has to be the addicted person who wants the help. Parents try so hard to get their addicted daughter/son the help they need but if it isn't what the addicted child wants, then nothing will help. You're doing good work with your son. I hope it continues. I'm not sure how this "quote a phrase" from your share works and I know I didn't do the quote right, but you get it.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I have just a minute right now but I wanted to say how valuable I find this thread. I was talking just now to M and he said something that RN points us to. Which is more or less, this: We create our relationships by our intentions and our commitments with regards to those we love.
Our hope is one way that we can support the channel through which our beloveds, can change themselves. Yes. We can't change them. Yes. We should not tolerate their abuse of us. But I would want to be a mother who permits my son to change in relation to me, near me, and through my ability and willingness to imagine him becoming what he needs to become.
Conversely by our doubt and our fears, we can undermine those we love too. And in this way we block the best of ourselves.
Our hope is one way that we can support the channel through which our beloveds, can change themselves. Yes. We can't change them. Yes. We should not tolerate their abuse of us. But I would want to be a mother who permits my son to change in relation to me, near me, and through my ability and willingness to imagine him becoming what he needs to become.
Conversely by our doubt and our fears, we can undermine those we love too. And in this way we block the best of ourselves.
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RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I just had lunch with my son. He just got a job and was near my office doing new hire paperwork. He is very happy to be working again. It seems the management will be much better at the new place and he knows the GM from his Jersey Mike days so was hired on the spot.
It's close to home and will keep him busy until school starts. He was down because he was not working but I do believe that now things will go well. I told him that most of us work because we need the money obviously but it also gives our lives organization. He feels relieved. He learned a lesson I believe.
My husband is out of town so he is making us dinner tonight. He just volunteered to cook for me.
So he is back on track. I just wanted to let you ladies know that we are good!
It's close to home and will keep him busy until school starts. He was down because he was not working but I do believe that now things will go well. I told him that most of us work because we need the money obviously but it also gives our lives organization. He feels relieved. He learned a lesson I believe.
My husband is out of town so he is making us dinner tonight. He just volunteered to cook for me.
So he is back on track. I just wanted to let you ladies know that we are good!
WiseChoices
Well-Known Member
I am so glad to hear this, and that you feel very comfortable with the way things are. I hope things will continue to go well for him and your family.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks. Yes I feel comfortable with things.
He is bored here with no job or friends. Not always making the best choices but I do feel he is learning. He is not the person he was when we sent him to Florida 3.5 years ago. He cares now about everything and wants to be successful. I have always loved him but I did not like the person he had become.
His job will help keep him busy and he starts classes in January. I think he learned a lesson that he needs to stay busy and he is happier when he is.
He is bored here with no job or friends. Not always making the best choices but I do feel he is learning. He is not the person he was when we sent him to Florida 3.5 years ago. He cares now about everything and wants to be successful. I have always loved him but I did not like the person he had become.
His job will help keep him busy and he starts classes in January. I think he learned a lesson that he needs to stay busy and he is happier when he is.
